AFTER SHOCK, Guest post Brog
As it turned out, Parker was right. We shouldn't have dropped in on Brian unannounced. If we hadn't done that, Brian wouldn't have taken me aside to tell me Crazy Bob was around and was deconstructing. Of course, it doesn't really matter when I heard about it. I would have heard sooner or later. Brian was right to warn me. But it hit me a lot harder than I though it would.
At Parker's place, Clara is offering me unconditional doggie solace as she rests her head on my thigh and begs me with wounded eyes to feel better. She promises silently that petting her will help, and it does. So does Parker's offer of scotch and his gentle massaging of the back of my neck. It's nice to be with people (and animals) who care when you feel the shit just got kicked out of you.
"Would he seek you out?" Parker asks and I shrug.
"I can't imagine why he would. I wasn't important to him then, and I'm even less important to him now. Then, I think it had something to do with Brian, I'm not sure what was going on in that twisted mind of his. Now he seems to have shifted his obsession to Teri, Phillip's assistant. But Brian isn't safe. Bob has an unnatural fixation on him that seems to transcend his other involvements. I don't pretend to understand it. But if he thought he could get some reaction from Brian by hurting me or Justin or anyone close to him...I don't know what he would do. He doesn't think like a normal human being."
"I don't understand why this man is still free and walking amongst us. Why isn't he locked up?"
"I didn't charge him, Parker. Nor would I. What he does...I don't know who he does it for. He used to be a cop. I think he went out on some psych leave and never looked back. Maybe he does these things for the government, I don't know. I just know he's nuts and he's dangerous."
"I have friends in the police department here. Guys Hero and I used to know, and people I met while working on my novel and working as a consultant on a few big trials. I could make some calls."
I turn so abruptly that Clara is dislodged and she goes over to sleep by the fire, her comforting work done. "Don't you dare! Don't you get involved in this mess at all, Park! The last thing I need is for Bob to even know you exist."
"Okay, okay," he strokes my arm in a soothing manner. "Relax. I just don't want you to be afraid or upset. I don't know how to help."
I sigh and lean over to kiss him. "You are helping just by saying that. I'm sorry to be such a girl."
"A girl?" He looks quietly miffed. "I hate it when men say that. They say it the same way they say 'you're such a fag'. It's supposed to indicate weakness or vulnerability. Do you know how strong women are? It was mostly my female friends and people like Hero's sister, who also suffered a terrible loss, who were there for me when he was killed. Be a girl. Girls cope. Girls survive. Girls deal with issues like rape and physical threat from men every day. Girls don't find it a weakness to express a genuine emotion. You're the father of two girls. They deserve better than that."
I smile. I love it when he gets righteous on my ass. "Okay, you read me."
He sighs. "Sorry. I should be supportive right now, not attacking. You just pushed a hot button for me."
"You're right about it. Someday I want my girls to meet you."
His smile was sad. "Yeah, 'someday'. Over the rainbow. It's okay, Brog. I don't expect you to bring me around your children."
"I's still dealing with my own feelings for you. Once I get that sorted out, I want them to know you. You happen to be a wonderful person."
"That's not the issue. The issue is 'Daddy has a boyfriend'. Let's not push the envelope just yet."
"You don't want to meet them?"
"Of course I do. But at the right time. This isn't it. You'll know if it's right. I'm not one of those men who will nag at you and insist you spring me on everyone you know or else I'll feel dissed. Not sharing you too widely is just fine with me right now," he reaches over and pushes my hair off my forehead. I smile and bring his fingers to my lips.
"I feel so at peace with you."
His ice-blue eyes sparkle as he gives me that smile. "Peace is nice, but what about lust?"
"That too."
"I understand if the news Brian gave you took away the mood for tonight, Brog."
"No such luck," I tell him as I guide his hand to my lap. He knows what to do when it lands there and my eyes close as he fondles me with the knowledge of what works best. Anderson Cooper comes on CNN. I look at him and then at Parker. I see the resemblance but Parker is much hotter. He switches it off with a groan.
"Not him."
We kiss. The horror of being thrown against a wall and violated by Hanrahan slowly fades in the mysterious healing touch of a very different man. The chill I felt before is replaced by the warmth of lust. The alienation of rape is eased by the soothing caress of a lover. I want to lose myself in Parker. I want to forget Hanrahan and the way he treated me as I bask in the pleasure of another man. I want to feel fear fade out to love. We head for the bedroom, but I pause and double check the locks on the door first.
I really don't think Hanrahan is around to menace me. Not intellectually. But something at my core fears him, still, and I think he is out to menace someone. From what Brian said, he's losing control. I can only pray it's not Kinney he's after this time. I don't wish him on anyone. No one deserves Bob Hanrahan in the middle of a psychic break. No one. But don't let his target be anyone I love. Don't let it be me. Better that no one suffer because of him, but if they must, let it be someone who deserves what they get.
Parker takes my hand and leads me away from the door, saying, "It's locked."
Yes, it's locked. And I know that is meaningless against a man like Hanrahan. I put an arm around Parker as we walk to the bedroom together. It's too bad Hanrahan couldn't find this in his life. Maybe that would've calmed him down, because it's difficult to hate anything when you feel this happy, this connected. But then, maybe he did. Maybe he did find love and maybe he did feel connected and maybe the loss of that connection is what turned him into a tormented soul. A killer. A rapist. A mutant. I shudder at the idea of being Hanrahan's lost love. If that person exists and is still breathing, it's only at Hanrahan's bequest. Borrowed time.
Fucking over Crazy Bob is not an option a man can take and live to brag about it. But then loving Crazy Bob seems just as impossible to me. How does one love a demon? Parker begins undressing me and I let go of my thoughts about Bob Hanrahan. I don't want him in the bedroom with us. I don't want him to invade our delicate union.
"Just let go," Parker whispers to me as his hands find my center. And I do. And the pain vanishes in the heat.