ABRACADABRA, Guest Post Kim
I can’t stop thinking about the encounter in the snow. The man who wanted to hurt me. The way I stopped him and then…the other. The one in black. The one with blue eyes that seemed to look right through me, searching for something that wasn’t there. I walk to the window, but they are gone. Even the squirrels are gone, for it’s started to snow again and the snow blurs everything on the landscape, makes it all seem not quite real.
That’s my life. Not quite real. Like the snow, it’s peaceful and soft, but cold and transient, melting quickly into nothingness. I feel as if I live on the verge of extinction, like the last saber toothed tiger. I feel as if important chunks of me are already gone. They left room in my skull for my brain to rattle around and I come up with nothing useful.
I look in the mirror. My face is impassive. I don’t look like most of the people here. My eyes are more almond in shape and yet not quite Asian. My hair is very black. I’m tall and rather too thin. There is no evidence of tension or unhappiness in this face. Only calm. And yet….standing behind me, almost as if in shadow, is a darker, ephemeral image of myself. That image shimmers as if not quite real. His face, which is also my face, is hard and cruel. He’s frustrated that he can’t quite reach me although he keeps trying. He keeps reaching but his hands can’t make contact. And then he fades away completely. But even after he’s gone, I smell the faint brimstone of his rage.
A man comes in with my dinner tray. I can no longer eat meat for some reason. The idea of it makes me ill. So they’ve concocted vegetarian dishes that are quite tasty. But tonight there’s no hunger. Tonight, I’ll fast. A word floats to the surface and I instantly know what it means. I touch my scalp. I feel the scars left by surgical tools.
“Lobotomy,” I say and the man looks confused.
“What?”
“You gave me a lobotomy at this place, didn’t you?”
Now he looks wary. “I don’t know what they do. I’m just an orderly.”
“I want to talk to the doctor.”
“I’ll tell the duty nurse.”
“No, I’ll tell her myself.”
He steps between the door and me, silently threatening. I smile. “You don’t want to do that,” I tell him.
“I can’t let you go out there now. Open hours are over. You’re in lockdown.”
“You should just let me walk past you. I only want to talk to the nurse.”
“Be a good boy and go over there and eat your dinner.”
His condescending tone hurts me. I take a step towards the door and he places a hand on my chest and pushes me back. I shake my head. When he reaches for me again, I easily drop him to the floor. He has a ball point pen in his pocket. I whip it out and lace it between two of my fingers and poise it over his eye. He looks frightened and that makes me sad. “You don’t want to make me hurt you, now do you?”
He shakes his head. His expression is one of terror. I go on to say, “Good, because I don’t want to hurt you, either. I really don’t. But I need to talk to the nurse and you need to let me go, do you see?”
He nods.
“If I let you up are you going to raise a fuss?”
He shakes his head. I stand, and offer my hand to help him rise. His hand is trembling. I feel bad about that. He flinches when I put the pen back in his pocket. I hold a finger up to my lips and he nods. The last sound I hear from him as I go is a deep groan.
I walk down the quiet, marble corridor to the nurses’ station, near the elevators. I know most of these ladies. They’re very nice and caring. They look up at me, and they seem surprised but not worried. “Kim, you shouldn’t be out here. Open hours are over. Time for dinner and rest.”
“I know and I’ll go back, but can you tell me if they gave me a lobotomy?”
The ladies look at each other and then their leader says, “Of course not. Why would you even think such a thing? Who put that idea in your head? Where did you come up with that word?” She leaves the desk and she takes my arm and leads me over to the sofa near the windows, where she sits with me. She is very kind, I feel safe with her. I feel like she could be my mother. Maybe she is. I don’t remember my mother.
“I don’t know where the word came from, but I know it’s an operation they give people to calm them down. I feel like there was a very angry part of me that is dying, now. I don’t feel anger anymore. I don’t feel much of anything. I think maybe they drilled all of that out of my brain. Is that what they did?”
“No, Kim. They don’t do lobotomies like that, not for years. You had some very serious brain surgery, due to a condition that would have killed you if they didn’t operate. A small portion of your brain had to be removed. It may have some continuing effect on your emotions, and memory. Slowly, we hope, much of your memory will return. Already you’ve recovered all your basic motor skills and most of the refined skills, too. You can read, comprehend, your vocabulary is normal, your vision is steadily improving, your hearing is fine, we consider you a great success. We were afraid we would lose you. Now you’re out of the woods.”
“What does this mean?” I speak a few sentences in Korean. I know what I’m saying but I’m not sure why I can say it. She calls over an Asian nurse. I repeat the sentences. The nurse shrugs.
“Sounds like Korean. I speak Cantonese, no relation. But it sounds like Korean to me.”
“What is Korean?” I ask and the older nurse smiles.
“I’ll bring you a book from the library if you go back to your room. It will tell you all about Korea.”
“Am I from Korea?”
“No, dear. You’re from America. But you may have Korean roots.” She stood and looped her arm through mine as we walk towards my room. The orderly who brought me my dinner tray is in the hall, and he stands flat against it, staring at me with fear on his face. I feel sad about that fear. I didn’t mean to scare him, I just wanted out of my room.
Once I’m back in my suite, I feel safe. I feel like I’m home. I don’t want to leave it again. “The man in the black coat with the gun, who is he?”
“What are you talking about, Kim? There is no such man.” She tucks me into my bed, and under the covers. It’s cold. The snow outside has made the room inside feel it’s chill.
“But there is. I saw him today. His name is Princess.”
She strokes her soft fingers through my dark hair and smiles. “You’ve had a confusing day, Kim. Too much activity all at once, perhaps. Where do you think you saw this Princess?”
“Where I feed the squirrels. Another man in a puffy coat tried to hurt me. I wouldn’t let him. And then Princess came along and took away his gun. I felt tired so I went inside.”
“Where was your attendant through this activity?” She asked. I sense she doesn’t believe me but that’s alright.
“He went inside. He said he forgot his cigarettes and he would be back, but he never came back. He left me there alone.”
Her face looked suddenly unkind. “Who was he?”
“Henri.”
“I see. You’re never supposed to be on the grounds alone, Kim, you know that. You could wander off, become confused, get quite ill from the cold.”
“I just wanted to feed the squirrels.”
She changed the subject. “Don’t you want your nice supper?”
“No, I want to fast tonight.”
“Only if you drink all this water, Kim. We don’t want you to dehydrate.”
I nod. “Will you bring me that book?”
“Of course I will. Here, take this.” She puts a little white pill on my tongue and I swallow it. I know this pill. It will make me sleepy. And before I get my book, I’ll be asleep. “The Princess…” I say to her as I start to relax against the sheets. “I must see him again.”
“Yes, dear. Of course.” She shuts the door. I see a dark shadow in the corner. Dark and transparent, as if made of smoke. A shadow with my angry face. He scares me. He takes a step towards me but he dissolves before he reaches the bed. He wants back in. He wants to come back inside of me, I know that’s what he wants. But I don’t want him back because I know if he gets in, people will be hurt. People will die.
“They carved you out of my brain,” I whisper to him as sleep draws closer.
“Sucker,” I hear him laugh, and then there is nothing but sleep.