glosoli
So here I am on my balcony. Listening to sigur ros with a full pot of tea on my left, cup on my right, sitting on the pillow debi made me for graduation; wearing my white tshirt, robe, and slacks. This is the most romantic night ever.
I'm going over my memories, started with the balcony. Midnight society and Their Beauty Fades sleeping on my balcony. The night josh and I were out here and I played "The Rain Song". A powerful piece that I haven't the foggiest memory of how it went. I just remember that as I played, the rain changed to it. And josh seemingly in awe of the natural spectacle. I also remember good times with amber, J, and B-rad. I also remember hanging baloons after a red robin birthday. And countless evenings of playing guitar alone. Just waiting for someone to come out and say "Hey, I kinda liked that. What's it called?"
Brad. I don't hate you man. I don't know where we got off on that. Probably with me telling you I'm done with you. I didn't mean I hate you. Point to fact I wonder about you often and hope you're ok. I'm just not going to invest anything in you. I can't. Because I don't think you can. And I don't want to deal with that. I miss you man. I keep thinking of my clearest and best memory of you. Not the roadtrip, not the club, not the drives to spokane, not meeting people, not going to canada even. My best memory is when we would walk around during church. Just exploring the town and being friends. Talking, not talking, and laughing the whole way. I miss those times. The times I truly felt like you were my only friend.
Brandon, I don't know what happened. You and my father got in a fight and you left. The drugs? The money? Me? What was it? I'll always wonder. I know I've never given you this journal address. But I'm still putting it out there. Just to say I asked.
Mike. Lately I feel like we're not on the same page anymore. you're still family. You're still my brother. And I'll come to virginia soon. I don't know if we just lack conversational material, or my phone really has the shittiest service known to man. Probably a combination of the two. But excuses aside I still love you and wonder. I'm always worried man. I won't bullshit you with the stuff I know you hear all the time. I tell it to you straight. but if you just need the small details, no matter how small, i'll tell you. Because I know that kind of stuff keeps us alive.
Lisa. Somewhere we've grown apart. But we're still close, I don't know how thats possible. It seems like tension builds up and is gone the second I see you. I miss snuggles greatly. And will visit. someday. When you need it without knowing.
Everyone. Let me know how you feel. I don't want tensions. I don't want anything negative. Or maybe thats what we need as friends. Who knows? I don't know what the plan is nor would I even consider I did. But I really miss you all. Even if I saw you four hours ago.
I'm at that point where I don't consciously feel stressed anymore. It's just this numbing feeling in the depths of my stomach. That unknowing tension that drags you down. I wouldn't say I've fallen. that would mean I've burnt bridges or messed up again. No. I think I'm just experiencing a lot and changing who I am again. I know I've changed so much since even five months ago. It's just weird I suppose. I'm having a hard time expressing everything tonight. But the tea is getting better as it cools. Perhaps I could infer my life to the tea tonight. And just drink until I'm satisfied. Could be the one glass, could be never. I'm a post modernist. Nothing is certain, or is there? Anyway. If you want to find me. And make my night even more incredible. I'm on my balcony, I'm the guy with the tea kettle wearing a robe. With bigass headphones on. you may have to lean over the railing. But I'll see you.
<3
-b