(no subject)
So this weekend I dropped everything, rid myself of responsibility and went out of town.
Amazing.
On Friday night I had a cleaning shift, which I haven't ever tried to trade but I can't imagine is easy and I don't mind so much anyhow... Saturday I wasn't scheduled & this nice guy at work picked up my Sunday shift for me. Friday I cleaned my ass off until 9ish, changed, and drove straight to the middle-of-nowhere Washington- my friend's family has a cabin there.
The friend and her partner have both formerly been kind of forbidden to me and I only had in my life and was in their lives kind of peripherally. They have been there for me through a whole hell of a lot- just emotionally in that I knew they were always there but also in actuality in some extreme cases- and invited me to come up this weekend with a couple other people.
Mountain cabin. Fireplace. Texas Hold-em. Alcohol. Fabulous food. Good company... I knew I wanted to reconnect with them, but I really didn't expect to have such a fun, amazing, relaxing weekend. I got back into town last night around 7:30, did laundry, ran a couple errands and was still smiling when I got home.
If you know me, you know that I'm kind of (at least, in my opinion- I suppose others would put it more positively though most I think would put it far more negatively) a dry, sarcastic, outwardly pessimistic person. Say the worst & hope for the best. It's worked for me so far. I tend to not smile or laugh without cause. Outside of the workplace I'm not prone to initiating conversation or chatting it up with strangers... and in the workplace, I have to focus on it to make it happen unless I'm working with one of a couple people who are a lot of fun just to be around.
In the last couple weeks, I've found myself talking a lot more, which I had kind of chalked up to necessity... but man, today I was still happy, still smiling, still so relaxed and at ease with myself. I talked a little about a couple things this weekend that I've kind of kept pent up... with people who knew background of everything. I discovered that I'm not afraid when I come home anymore. The inward seed of dread that kind of lived in me for so long and was agitated whenever I got nearer home... it's still around, I still don't feel safe all the time... but for the first time in so long that I don't remember when the last time was, I don't worry about what's on the other side of the front door to my apartment. Or not there, even. I feel secure & happy... and so thankful for that.