Stargate SG1: Beloved (1/5)
All disclaimers, notes, warnings and summary are in the Master post: Beloved
Chapter One
The mood in the locker room was much lighter than it had been minutes before. Sam and Janet had escaped what they'd apparently thought would be serious consequences for going to any lengths necessary to stop Hathor. Hammond had said he was putting them up for commendation medals, and Jack didn't disagree.
They'd stopped Hathor. Unlike some people who hadn't even tried.
Janet and Sam exchanged a look of pleasant surprise, followed by an almost conspiratorial giggle. "Oh my," Sam said with a smile. "Feel like a woman, Doc?"
"Oh yeah," Janet returned lightly. Her own smile still shining, Janet gathered up her specimen containers and stood. "I'll just get these down to the lab, and hope that we'll get something useful from them." She walked toward the door, nodding at Jack and Teal'c before turning her full attention to Daniel. "Dr. Jackson, I do expect to see you in the infirmary before you leave the base for the night. You've still not reported for that physical I ordered."
Daniel nodded wordlessly and without looking up; he seemed intent on studying his own feet.
Janet returned the nod with a small smile and left the locker room.
Sam walked over to her teammates, pulling off the gloves she'd been wearing while helping Janet with the specimen collection. Jack took a step toward her. "Great job, Carter."
"Thank you, sir," Sam replied, her voice filled with relief.
"Indeed, Captain Carter, you performed most admirably at a time of great confusion and peril."
"Thanks, Teal'c."
They all waited for Daniel to echo the sentiment. When no congratulations were forthcoming, three pair of eyes turned toward where he had been standing only to find he was no longer there. The three of them had moved closer together, forming a tight circle, but Daniel had moved away from them. He stood with his arms wrapped around himself, staring at the remains of the Goa'uld larva that had filled the Jacuzzi only hours before.
"Daniel? You okay?"
Daniel closed his eyes, and seemed to be concentrating. He shook his head and said, "Hm? Oh yeah ... yeah, I'm fine." He opened his eyes and glanced at Sam. "Just thinking."
"Thinking 'bout what?" Jack asked, stepping forward. Daniel turned away, but not fast enough that Jack didn't see the shamed flush that had risen to his cheeks.
"Nothing."
"Come on ... if you're thinking, you have to be thinking about something, right? So what is it?"
He didn't know what he wanted Daniel to say in response to that, didn't know if anything he said would or even could start to make up for what he'd done.
Daniel shook his head, never taking his eyes from the blackened mess on the side of the metal tub.
"Come on, Daniel, give. Are you missing your girlfriend or mourning your children?"
The anger had been there all along, simmering just beneath the surface, but it chose that time to explode in full force. He could feel his face reddening at an alarming pace, forming itself into a mask of pure rage. He took a few deliberate steps in Daniel's direction, and Daniel shrank back instinctively.
"Colonel, I think that maybe we should ..."
"Tell me, Daniel, was she worth it? I mean, with everything it almost cost us, was she at least good in bed?"
Jack watched the color drain from Daniel's face, leaving him ashen and visibly shaken, but for the first time in recent memory, he didn't care.
"Colonel, I really don't think this is a good ..."
"Was it good for you, Daniel?" Jack's voice was biting now. He wanted to sting Daniel to the very core, wanted to hurt him the way he'd been hurt, and he didn't care how he did it.
Daniel retreated from Jack's advancing anger one step at a time. His eyes darted around frantically as he searched for an escape that he knew did not exist, and Jack's measured steps continued to narrow the gap between them.
"Colonel, please ..."
"No," Daniel whispered, his response almost inaudible. With an obvious effort, he cleared his throat and raised his head, stepping back again. "No, it wasn't."
"You mean you risked the lives of everyone on this base, everyone on this planet, and you didn't even enjoy it?" Jack took another angry step forward.
"Colonel! There's something you need to know ..."
"Nothing to enjoy," Daniel answered evenly.
"Oh, come on, Daniel!" Jack continued, stepping forward once more, ignoring Carter's increasingly frantic attempts to divert his attention and gesturing angrily at the Jacuzzi. "A lot of that will probably be yours. That's what you said. What the hell else could that possibly mean?"
Daniel's retreat was suddenly halted by the wall at his back. "You don't understand." His voice was emotionless, his words as dull as his eyes were becoming.
"Understand what, Daniel? I think I understand just fine. I took Sex Ed a long time ago, kiddo."
"Colonel!" Sam reached out, grabbed Jack's arm, and tried to pull him away, but he shrugged her off easily. He had Daniel backed up against the wall, and Daniel's growing distress meant nothing to him. Daniel's eyes were glazing over and glistening with unshed tears; twelve hours earlier, that would have been more than enough to make him stop, and he knew it. But he couldn't stop. Once he'd let himself start, all the rage and hatred he'd been holding back was boiling over, and he couldn't have stopped it if he'd wanted to.
Teal'c stepped forward.
"O'Neill, perhaps if you would allow Daniel Jackson to speak ..."
"Oh, yeah, Teal'c! That's a great idea! Let's let him talk. Maybe he can talk himself out of this, the same way he talked that damn bitch out of those cuffs! That worked out just great for you, didn't it, Danny?" Jack spat the name out, using it as a weapon rather than the term of endearment that it normally was, and he took another step forward. His face was only inches from Daniel's, close enough that he could feel the man's even but slightly quivering breaths against his skin, but instead of making him back off, it only served to anger him more. "What the hell were you thinking? Did you think she was another present for you?"
Daniel flinched and gritted his teeth; Sam gasped and Teal'c's posture stiffened. He had a feeling in the back of his mind that he was going too far - way too far.
But he wasn't done.
"What, a former slave isn't enough for you? Thought you'd go for a real goddess this time? Did you see her and immediately start thinking, 'Gee, maybe if I'm nice to her I'll get some today.'?"
Daniel simply stared straight ahead, his eyes locked on the space above Jack's right shoulder.
"Colonel, stop!"
"Do you know what you almost did to this planet, Daniel?" Jack raised his right hand and jabbed his index finger into Daniel's sternum. "You! You alone almost handed this entire planet to the Goa'uld!"
There was no answer. The blue eyes were wide and filled with fear and pain, but unseeing. The open palms were shaking. Jack's anger grew at the lack of response, and he pressed harder.
"Why did you do it, Daniel?" Jack demanded. He knew that his face was getting redder, because he could feel the flush that had risen into it. "Why the hell did you sleep with her?"
Daniel was trembling all over now, and Jack knew it was more from fear than anger. He had his arms wrapped around his stomach, and he closed his eyes. Jack could hear his gasping, shaking breaths, and he knew that Sam and Teal'c could hear them, too.
"Colonel, you're scaring him!"
"O'Neill!"
Sam and Teal'c moved forward as one, stepping in front of him and trying to block his view of Daniel.
"Colonel, Teal'c and I really need to talk to you."
"Indeed, O'Neill. At this moment exactly."
"Hang on a minute," Jack responded, waving them off. "I asked you a question, Daniel. Answer me!"
Daniel didn't speak, didn't move. He opened his eyes, stared at nothing, and took another deep breath. The trembling had started to subside. Jack had seen it before.
Daniel was shutting himself down.
"Colonel, leave him alone!"
"No, Captain!" Jack answered with venom without taking his eyes from Daniel's face. "Not this time!"
"O'Neill, this conversation is causing Daniel Jackson great distress."
"Oh, well, gee ... I really don't give a damn, Teal'c!" Jack spun to face them. "How can you two stand there and defend him after what he did?" Jack turned back to Daniel, reaching out suddenly to grip the younger man's jaw in his hand.
"Colonel, no!"
"What you did, Daniel ... no defense. The greatest threat this planet has ever known walked through the front door, and you decided to take it to bed!"
Daniel closed his eyes one more time. When he opened them again, they were empty. The fear was gone, as were the pain and the unshed tears.
"You screwed up, Dannyboy! You screwed up, and then you screwed her!"
Jack was beyond mad. He was irate. His anger, frustration, and helplessness at the way Hathor had treated him, at the wound that had been inflicted upon him, at the casual way Daniel had mentioned that the DNA would be his, at the fact that Daniel had been part of it, had helped her convince the men on the base to listen to her, follow her, belong to her … It all boiled to the surface, and he erupted. He grabbed Daniel by the collar of his jacket and pushed him up against the wall.
"Talk to me, damn it! Explain yourself! Give me a reason, Daniel, give me your excuse!"
Sam grabbed Jack's arm again and pulled against him as hard as she could. "Colonel! Let go of him!"
Jack shrugged her off and pulled Daniel forward until their faces were only inches apart. "You helped her turn me into one of them!"
"Colonel, you're hurting him!"
"Not yet, Carter. But I'm seriously thinking about it!"
"O'Neill, your behavior is most irrational. If you continue, you will cause harm to Daniel Jackson."
Jack roared his fury at Daniel's lack of defense and shook him bodily. Daniel offered no resistance, and his deafening silence served only to infuriate Jack more. "Say something, damn you! Answer me!"
Jack punctuated his demand by slamming Daniel into the wall. His head bounced off, and the sound of it seemed to echo through the locker room.
"No!" Sam cried out.
Daniel didn't even flinch.
Jack growled, released his right hand from Daniel's jacket, and pulled his fist back. Before he could throw it, Teal'c had stepped between the two men, gripped Jack around the chest, and pushed him away.
"Why didn't you stop her, Daniel? Why the hell didn't you stop her!"
He struggled against Teal'c's grasp, reaching out to grab Daniel again. Daniel's expression hadn't changed at all; his gaze remained locked on nothing, his eyes as dull and lifeless as they had been in the VIP room. He knew that Sam and Teal'c were confused and shocked by his behavior, but they didn't understand. They couldn't understand.
They hadn't been there.
"O'Neill, you would be wise to be silent at this point."
"Oh really, Teal'c? And why would that be?"
"Daniel Jackson is your friend, O'Neill, as you are both mine. He has been gravely mistreated by our enemy, as have you. He is not to blame for what has transpired here, and I will not allow you to injure him further."
Silence descended again, and a few seconds later, Daniel's eyes rolled back in his head and he started sliding down the wall none-too-gracefully.
"Daniel?" Sam asked in concern, stepping forward. "Daniel!"
Sam tried to make a grab for him, but Teal'c was faster. He released his grip on Jack and wrapped his arms gently around Daniel, lowering him to the floor slowly. Sam knelt beside him, checking his pulse and breathing. Jack groaned and threw his arms in the air in frustration.
"Oh, great. Now he's fainting."
Sam looked up at Jack, daggers flying from her suddenly cold blue eyes. "Sir, with all due respect, shut the hell up."
"That's insubordination, Captain!"
"Yes, sir, it probably is. But at the moment, I think it's entirely justified. What the hell is wrong with you?" Sam looked back down at Daniel and started loosening the collar of his shirt. "With everything he's been through in past twenty-four hours ..."
"Oh, get off it, Carter! He's not the victim here. He hasn't been through anything!"
"Really?" Sam's voice dripped with sarcasm when she answered. She closed her eyes, placed a gentle hand against Daniel's cheek, and turned his head to the side. "Then what exactly are those?"
Jack stepped forward to see what she was talking about, and as her fingers brushed Daniel's hair away from his face, he saw them. Five deep bruises, the size and shape of fingerprints, marred the side of Daniel's neck. Jack shook his head at the implication of that; it didn't make any sense. Daniel had bruises on his neck. Bruises implied a struggle, a fight.
The realization dawned with sudden, perfect clarity, and the anger that Jack had allowed to consume him faded into nothingness, leaving him completely drained. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back as he sank to his knees on the floor.
Teal'c gently lifted Daniel's right wrist from the floor, pushing the sleeves of his shirt and jacket out of the way and motioning toward it with his head. More bruises, more fingerprints, all around his wrist. When he saw the look of horror that crossed Jack's face, Teal'c spoke again. "It does not appear that Daniel Jackson was as willing as you claim, O'Neill."
"Oh, gee, Teal'c, ya think?" There was anger in his voice again, but it wasn't directed at Daniel. He was mad at himself, at Hathor, at every other man on the base, at everyone on the planet except Daniel. "Shit," he whispered as he pushed Daniel's other sleeves up, closing his eyes when he saw identical bruising around his left wrist. "I just fucked up."
A moan from the floor called their attention to the fact that Daniel was starting to rouse. Sam leaned forward, laying her hand against his cheek again. "Daniel? Can you hear me?"
Blue eyes fluttered open slowly and glanced around in confusion. "Hey, Sam." Daniel looked from Sam to Teal'c to Jack, apprehension and uncertainty plain on his face. "Um ... what happened?"
"Well," Jack began. He caught the warning look that Sam aimed in his direction, and he softened his voice. "You blanked out for a bit there, Daniel."
"Blanked out?" Daniel looked around again. He pressed his hands against the cold tiles of the floor and tried to push himself up. Teal'c grabbed his right arm to steady him as Sam pushed past Jack to do the same on his left. They helped him into a sitting position, then let him lean against the wall.
"Do you feel any pain, Daniel Jackson?"
Daniel's eyebrows lowered in concentration as he assessed himself. Jack knew that he was searching his memory for some explanation of how he had ended up on the floor, but apparently he found nothing. "My head hurts," he answered with a shrug. "Other than that, I'm fine."
"Yeah, you kinda ... um ... hit your head," Jack explained softly.
Sam and Teal'c exchanged a glance, and Daniel's eyes narrowed. He'd seen the way they looked at each other, and it was obvious that he knew that there was more to the story than they were telling him.
"We should probably get you down to the infirmary," Jack continued. "You smacked it pretty hard."
Something flashed in Daniel's eyes, just for a second, but Jack noticed it. Confusion he'd have expected, but that's not what it was. It was fear. Why would Daniel be afraid of the infirmary?
"Uh ... no. No, I don't need to go to the infirmary."
"You passed out, Daniel," Sam said gently. "You might have a concussion. You really should go see Janet."
Jack gave Daniel a weak smile and patted him on the arm, and he had to force himself to ignore the glares that Sam and Teal'c shot at him. "Besides, you've got to go down and have that physical before we leave, right?"
Daniel turned his head quickly and focused on him. "Why do I need a physical? I just had one last week, remember? Nem, that whole mind probe thing? Janet had me down there for hours, poking and prodding and ..." Daniel's voice drifted off when he saw varying degrees of alarm and concern on the faces of his friends. "What?" he almost demanded. "What's going on?"
"Daniel, do you remember Hathor?" Sam asked softly.
"Hathor? Sure. Why?"
"What do you remember about her?" Jack tried to keep his voice gentle, but it only served to raise the alarm on Daniel's face.
"She's the Egyptian goddess of fertility, inebriety, and music. Daughter and wife to Ra, mother of Horus the ... what?" The alarm was beginning to transform into panic. "Jack, what's wrong? What happened?"
"Hathor is a Goa'uld," Jack whispered.
"Okay. We probably shouldn't be surprised at that. But why are you asking me about her?"
"Hathor was here, in the SGC, for almost twenty-four hours," Teal'c explained.
"We had a Goa'uld on the base?" Daniel looked directly at Jack as panic and alarm seemed to give way to curiosity. "You'd think I'd remember something like that."
"Yeah," Jack agreed softly. "Ya'd think."
"Daniel," Sam interrupted. "Janet ordered full physicals for everyone who came in direct contact with Hathor. You haven't reported in for yours yet."
Daniel closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead with his right hand. "There was a Goa'uld on the base, I came in direct contact with her, and I don't ...?"
Daniel faltered, and his voice trailed off. He pressed his hand to his forehead as though he was pushing away a sudden headache. A shudder ran through him, and his breathing sped up again. Then he gasped, loudly, and pressed his back against the wall.
"Daniel?" Sam asked in alarm, leaning forward to place her hand on his arm. He flinched away from her touch.
Jack could see how much that reaction upset her, so he touched her arm by way of offering comfort, and he took over asking the questions.
"You don't what, Daniel?"
The sound of Jack's voice made Daniel jump, and he shivered, obviously trying to bring himself back under control. "Remember," he managed to force out. After taking another deep breath, he raised his head and looked Jack straight in the eye. He flashed a weak smile that didn't reach his eyes. "I don't remember."
Jack didn't believe him. None of them did, and it showed on their faces. Daniel was wound tighter than a spring and looked ready to shatter into a thousand pieces at the slightest provocation. Jack had some experience with traumatic flashbacks, and he was willing to bet a year's pay that he'd just watched Daniel have one. Daniel took a deep breath, visibly forced himself to relax, and the smile became more seemingly sincere.
"Sorry about drifting off. My head really does hurt quite a bit. I think that maybe going to the infirmary isn't such a bad idea after all."
Sam moved aside and allowed Jack to take her place at Daniel's left side. He and Teal'c took Daniel's arms and helped him to his feet, keeping their hands on him while he regained his balance.
"Do you wish for one of us to accompany you?"
Daniel smiled again. "No, Teal'c, I'm fine. It's just a headache. And I do remember the way to the infirmary." He reached out for Sam's hand, gently squeezing it in his own before turning to Teal'c and patting his arm. Having reassured both of them, he glanced at Jack before pulling away quickly and walking out the door.
Jack watched Daniel leave, trying to force down the strange feeling of fear that had come over him when he'd looked into Daniel's eyes seconds before. He ignored what he thought he'd seen and convinced himself that it was just the harsh lights of the locker room playing tricks on him, dismissing it so he could concentrate more fully on the subject that had taken center stage in his mind. He waited only until he knew Daniel was far enough away that he wouldn't hear the conversation before he spun on Sam.
"You knew?"
Sam nodded her head, glancing across at Teal'c. "I had a pretty strong suspicion, yeah."
"Why? How?"
Sam opened and closed her mouth a few times, unable to speak. Teal'c noticed her difficulty and interceded.
"When we encountered Daniel Jackson in Hathor's quarters, his condition was most alarming."
"One of you tell me what you're talking about!"
Sam took a deep breath and opened her eyes, focusing on Jack. "He was just ... sitting there, staring at the wall. I must have said his name three or four times, sir, but he didn't look at me. It was like he didn't hear me, didn't know I was there ... like he wasn't there. I couldn't tell if he was drugged or in shock or what. It looked like he'd been crying."
"Damn ..." Jack faltered, his eyes darting back and forth between Carter and Teal'c. "What else?"
"The room was ... well, it was a mess. The lamps were knocked over, and the bed ..." She closed her eyes and swallowed hard, unable to continue.
"What about the bed?"
"It was ... the mattress had been knocked sideways. The pillows were everywhere. Furniture was overturned. The sheets ..." Sam looked away, unable to put what she'd seen into words.
"What?" Jack demanded.
"There were dark stains on the sheets, O'Neill," Teal'c replied quietly. Bowing his head, he continued. "From where I stood, they appeared to be blood."
"Blood?!"
Sam sighed again and nodded. "That's what I thought it was too."
"So you walk in to Hathor's quarters, and you find Daniel just sitting there, either drugged out of his mind or in shock, or maybe both, on a crooked bed, in a trashed room, with blood on the sheets … and you left him there?" Jack redirected his anger again, this time throwing it all at the two people who stood beside him. "You had a 'pretty strong suspicion' that she'd ... that he'd ... that that snakehead bitch had hurt him, and you just walked out and left him there? How could you do that to him? Leave him behind, leave him to her like that?!"
The color rose in Sam's cheeks when she answered him. "Sir, we didn't have a choice! We had a chance to take Hathor out, and we had to take it."
"Captain Carter is correct, O'Neill. The fate of your world was at stake. Had we succeeded, we would have both rid the SGC of the Goa'uld threat and protected Daniel Jackson from further harm by eliminating the cause of his pain."
"I never would have left him there if I'd thought ... if I'd known ... if I'd believed for even one second that we wouldn't be successful."
"But you weren't successful, were you, Captain?" Jack saw her flinch and knew that he was hurting her, but he couldn't seem to stop the words that flew from him lips. "You left him behind, you failed, and she went back! How many more times did she ... how many more times did he go through that?"
"I don't know," Sam whispered, turning away.
"Why didn't you blow the bitch away? Not just for what she did to him, but for everything? Good God, what stopped you from just ...?"
"You did."
Jack's mouth snapped closed at the quiet statement, and he looked across at Sam only to find her staring down at her own feet. "I ... what?"
"It was you who stopped us in our endeavor to neutralize Hathor, O'Neill. General Hammond, several of your airmen, and you."
"It ... I ... it was?"
Sam nodded her head wordlessly, and Teal'c said softly, "Indeed."
Jack sat down hard on the bench, staring first at Carter and then at Teal'c. His memories were still hazy in spots; this was one of them. But he knew that they weren't lying to him.
"Damn it," Jack muttered. "You didn't do this to him then." He buried his face in his hands and rested his elbows on his knees. "I did."
"No, sir," Sam said softly. Jack looked up at her in surprise. "Hathor did."
Chapter Two
Daniel walked quickly along the corridor. He stayed close to the wall, so close that his hand and arm brushed against it as he moved. He kept his eyes on the floor in front of him, refusing to lift his head even to return the greetings he received from passersby. He was nearly to his office - just another few feet and he could hide away again, if only for a few moments.
He could feel the memories sneaking up on him, poised at the edge of his consciousness and waiting to pounce on him. If that happened in the corridor, if that happened while people were looking at him ... and damn it, why were they all looking at him? He heard voices whispering to each other as they passed, and he knew what they were talking about. What else could they be talking about?
"Did you hear about Dr. Jackson ...?"
"He went with her willingly ..."
"Followed her right into that room ..."
"Didn't fight ..."
"Didn't scream ..."
"Didn't run ..."
"No," Daniel whispered. "No, that's a lie ... I did. I tried. I couldn't ..."
Colors erupted before his eyes, swirling pinks and purples, overshadowed by blackness and tinged red with blood and flames. Red hair and flashing eyes, the sound of ripping cloth, the feel of hands on his skin, fingernails like claws raking down his back, teeth sinking into the flesh of his chest, fear and shame and pain...
Daniel stumbled and grabbed for the wall, fighting to keep himself on his feet long enough to reach the door to his office. The corridor was suddenly filled with people, all of them pressing against him, pushing, shoving - their faces wavered and warped in front of him, their wide, empty eyes stared at him, their lips formed wordless accusations of his crime. Some pointed fingers at him, some laughed, some screamed, and others simply snapped at him in anger.
"You ..."
"Dr. Jackson ..."
"Daniel Jackson ..."
"You did this to us!"
"You gave us to her!"
"You belong to her ..."
"No!" Daniel cried out, fighting his way through the sea of bodies that blocked his way. Hands grabbed for him, tearing at his clothes, bruising his flesh, pulling his hair. "No, let me go! Leave me alone!"
Four men stepped forward, placing themselves between Daniel and the refuge he sought. They lifted their shirts and there, dark and angry against the skin of their stomachs, the deep, penetrating Xs that marked them forever as Hathor's Jaffa were clearly visible. Daniel stared in open horror, backing away slowly as one by one the wounds were ripped open from the inside out. Goa'uld larva - larva that carried his own genetic code - stretched out toward him. Their jaws opened, and the light shone back at him from their horrible teeth.
"Our Chosen ..."
"Our Beloved ..."
"Our Pharaoh ..."
"Our Father ..."
"NO!"
"Do you feel any pain, Daniel Jackson?"
"Daniel, you okay?"
"You screwed her, Dannyboy. You screwed us all."
"No, Jack ... please ..." Daniel let himself fall back against the wall, pressing his hands flat against it to hold himself up.
"Help me, Daniel!"
"I ... I can't ..."
"Don't just sit there. Help me!"
"Dr. Jackson, please, help me!"
"I want to ... I will ..."
"You dare defy us!"
The hands were back. He felt them pulling him up, pushing him back, holding him down. Fingers in his hair pulled his head up and held it still; fingers on his shoulders pressed against the nerves and forced him to his knees; fingers around his throat pinned him to the wall and choked him; fingers against his ribs dug into the tender flesh and drove what air was left in his lungs away. Blackness danced at the edges of his vision, his lips went numb and he struggled against the disembodied hands that held him, throwing himself across the corridor and into the opposite wall.
"Daniel ..."
"Dr. Jackson ..."
"No!" Daniel screamed again, dropping to his knees and wrapping his arms around his head. "No! Leave me alone!"
"Dr. Jackson ..."
"Dr. Jackson!" Sergeant Siler knelt in front of him and grabbed his shoulders. "Dr. Jackson, what's wrong?"
"Don't touch me!" Daniel cried out, shoving Siler back and knocking him to the ground. "Get away from me!"
"Dr. Jackson ..." Siler pushed himself back to his knees and reached out once more. "I'm not going to hurt you, sir. I just want to help."
"No!" Daniel lurched to his feet and bolted down the corridor toward his office.
Siler stared after him in momentarily stunned silence, then pushed himself to his feet and ran in the opposite direction.
Janet strode purposefully into the locker room. Her determined pace faltered when she saw three-fourths of SG-1 seated on the bench, all staring at the charred remains of the Goa'uld larva that continued to ooze down the side of the Jacuzzi.
Jack glanced up at her, and then jumped to his feet. "Hey, Doc," he said quickly. "How's Daniel?"
Janet looked from Jack to Sam and Teal'c and then back to him again. "I was just about to ask you the same question, Colonel."
He met her gaze with open confusion. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about Daniel," she answered simply. "He still hasn't been to the infirmary." Janet glanced around the locker room once more. "Where is he?"
"He's not here, Janet," Sam replied.
"I can see that. That's why I asked where he is."
"Daniel Jackson has gone to the infirmary."
"When?"
Jack glanced down at his watch, and then at his teammates standing at his shoulders. "It had to be at least half an hour ago now."
Janet shook her head. "I just left there, and I haven't seen him."
"Well, he can't have gone too far. We'll just have to ..." Jack began, but Janet cut him off with a wave of his hand.
"We'll have to worry about Daniel later. Right now, Colonel, it's vital that you come back to the infirmary with me."
"Why?"
"There's been a development, sir, a complication ..."
"Damn it, Doc, what's going on?" His anger flashed again, and Janet took a step back.
"Colonel," she answered evenly, her voice calm and steady. "It's Hathor's control drug. It appears to have a side effect that I hadn't anticipated. It's becoming obvious to me that as the body tries to metabolize it, the drug somehow fights to keep control. And it manifests that fight by amplifying the negative emotions of the ..."
"Meaning what?" Jack hissed.
"Meaning that I've got General Hammond in the infirmary in the middle of a full-blown panic attack. Some of the other men have been in complaining of mood swings, but none of them have had reactions nearly as severe as General Hammond's. That leads me to believe that the emotional response to the withdrawal is directly proportional to the amount of drug in the system ..."
"In English, Doc!"
"The higher the amount of the drug being eliminated, the more severe the emotional reactions."
Sam's eyes widened and she stared at Jack. "Mood swings?"
Janet nodded her head slightly. "That is how I would describe the reaction that most of the men seem to be having - mild to moderate mood swings. But with higher exposure, I think we're talking about something much more dangerous. Totally irrational emotional outbursts, manic-depressive tendencies ..."
"Um … unprovoked murderous rages?" Jack ventured.
"Definitely possible," Janet answered.
"This would explain your earlier treatment of Daniel Jackson," Teal'c observed, intentionally ignoring the angry look that Jack directed at him.
"What earlier treatment of Daniel?" Janet asked, her concern mounting. "Colonel, what did you do?"
"I just ... I kinda got mad at him ..."
"You slammed his head into the wall, Colonel." Obviously Sam wasn't going to be taking up for him, either.
"What?" Janet stepped forward immediately and grabbed Jack's arm. "You're having emotional outbursts?"
Jack grimaced and dropped his head. "Yeah, you could say that."
"You spent more time with Hathor than the general did, sir. I'd venture to say you got a higher dose of that drug than he did. For your own protection, and for the safety of the base, I think it's imperative that you ..."
"Daniel!" Sam cried out suddenly, causing three heads to snap in her direction. She stared back at them all in turn, her eyes wide with fear. "Daniel spent more time with Hathor than anyone did."
Teal'c picked up on the implication immediately. "Daniel Jackson would have received the highest amount of exposure to the drug."
Jack finished the thought. "And now Daniel's disappeared." He jerked his head to the side and pulled his arm out of Janet's grasp. "Shit!"
Janet reached out for his arm again. "Colonel, I have to insist that you come with me to the infirmary."
"I'm not going anywhere until I know where Daniel is!" he snapped. "Carter ..."
"Colonel O'Neill!" Sergeant Siler's normally steady voice was shaking with exertion and emotion as he burst through the door. "Colonel O'Neill, thank God I found you!"
"What is it, Sergeant?"
"It's Dr. Jackson, sir."
"Daniel?" Sam took an anxious step forward.
"What about Daniel?" Jack demanded.
Siler shook his head. "I don't know ... I can't describe it. One minute, he was walking down the hall and the next he was ..."
"Was what?" Teal'c asked, his voice calm despite the noticeable pinch between his eyebrows.
"He just started screaming. He was ... I can't describe it, sir. He looked like he was fighting something, and he was so scared. He threw himself into the wall, and he fell, but when I went to try and help him, he pushed me down ..."
"Daniel pushed you down?" Sam couldn't hide the disbelief in her voice.
He crossed to the door in three brisk steps and grabbed Siler's arms. "Where is he?" he hissed. When Siler recoiled from the harshness of the question without answering, Jack shook him. "Where is he!"
"I ... he ...," Siler stammered.
"Where!"
"I don't know, sir," Siler finally managed to answer. "I don't know. He ran away, toward his office."
"Why didn't you follow him?"
"I thought it best that I find you first ..."
Jack growled and pulled Siler toward him.
"Colonel!" Janet called in alarm. "Irrational emotions, sir!"
He looked across his shoulder at her, and then back at the clearly frightened features of Sergeant Siler in front of him. He closed his eyes and shook his head, forcing the anger away. He released Siler's arms and stepped back. "No, you did the right thing," he said slowly. "You're right. Thank you."
He opened his eyes and turned toward his team. "Carter, notify the front gate that under no circumstances is Daniel to leave this mountain, and then start a sweep of the base."
"Yes, sir," Carter responded, dashing from the room.
"Teal'c, you go to Daniel's office. He's looking for somewhere safe. That's the direction he was heading, so we start there first."
Teal'c nodded once and strode briskly through the door.
"Siler, I want you to go up to security. Watch the cameras. If Daniel shows up on any of them, notify us immediately."
With a quick nod of his own, Siler ran into the corridor.
"Doc ..." He paused, unsure of just what to say. Janet was already wounded and had probably seen more action in the past day than she'd seen in her entire career. "You head back down to the infirmary. If you think the general can handle what's going on, let him know. Otherwise, just ... do your thing."
"Colonel, what about you?" Janet asked. "I can't just ignore your outbursts, sir. I'm worried that you might be a danger to others ..."
Jack silenced her with a hard stare. "I'm mad about what happened, Doc. Okay? I am pissed as hell about what happened to me and Daniel. So yeah, I might snap at a few people, but I know what's going on, and I'll be able to control it."
"But, sir ..."
"Daniel doesn't know what's happening to him. He has no idea that his emotions are out of whack. So yeah, I might be having a few irrational responses or homicidal thoughts about other people, but I'm not going to kill anyone. But Daniel ... think about it. If he's alone, and I'm sure he is, he's going to direct those irrational and homicidal thoughts at himself. If you knew, Doc …"
Jack took a deep breath. It would only be a matter of time before Janet knew everything, because someone was going to have to tell her what she was dealing with once she had Daniel in the infirmary. But the immediate priority was finding him and getting him there, so for the time-being the abbreviated version would have to do. She was a smart woman; she'd understand what he wasn't saying, anyway.
"I know he knocked his head pretty bad, because I'm the one who did it, but there's more than that. He's hurt - bad - in places you can't even see, and ways you don't wanna imagine, and he's scared."
Janet's gasp was soft and not entirely surprised-sounding. "I was worried that might be a possibility, after what he said …"
"He's in shock," he continued, cutting her off before she could say any more. "He's gone catatonic at least twice. What are the odds that he's going to end up suicidal?"
"Very good, sir," Janet answered softly. "But there's a chance that he won't."
"There's a bigger chance that he will. And it's a chance that I'm not willing to take." He turned toward the door.
"What are you going to do, Colonel?"
He paused for only a second, turning his head slightly to the side and speaking to Janet over his shoulder. "I'm going to find Daniel," he answered. "If that's a problem, well ... that's just too damn bad."
Before Janet could speak again, Jack was gone.
He didn't know exactly know how he ended up in the sub-levels.
Carter had reported in already and had told him that Daniel hadn't tried to leave the mountain, so that meant he was still in it - somewhere. Siler hadn't seen him on any of the security cameras, so wherever he was he was either staying very well hidden, or he was somewhere the cameras didn't look very often. Teal'c hadn't reported from his office yet, so he might still be there, but for some reason Jack was beginning to doubt it.
Under normal circumstances, he knew Daniel well enough to know where the man would go in any given situation … but circumstances were so far from normal that it wasn't even funny. So he was wandering around the sub-levels, with only his flashlight to keep him company.
How the hell had such a normal day gone so wrong?
It had all started when the snakebitch had walked through the door. Everything that had come after had been entirely her doing and was completely her fault. He'd been turned into a Jaffa - gutted like a fish, really - stripped of his immune system and left completely defenseless. And Daniel …
Jack decided that the darkness of the sub-levels was an appropriate place for him to be; it set the tone for his thoughts. He understood where the outburst in the locker room had come from, but understanding it didn't mean that he didn't feel guilty about it. Daniel had just been through what had to be one of the most traumatic experiences of his life, and he'd made it worse. There was nothing like taking someone who he knew would already be blaming himself for the entire fiasco and compounding that guilt a hundred times over. And using Sha're like he had … there was no excuse for it. No matter how angry he'd been, no matter how many alien drugs coursed through his system and messed with his emotions, there was nothing that could justify treating Daniel the way he had.
He hadn't been strong enough to resist Hathor, and he'd spent his whole life being trained to do just that. There hadn't been a single man in that mountain who'd been able to fight her. How could he have ever expected Daniel to stop her by himself? How could he have blamed him for not being able to?
"O'Neill."
Jack reached up with his right hand, grasped the radio with his fingers, and lowered his lips toward it. "Teal'c," he said. "You find him?"
He could almost see Teal'c shaking his head in the silence that followed the question. "I have not. However …"
"What?" he demanded, and then he sighed. "Sorry, Teal'c," he said. "That drug is making me a bit touchy."
"Indeed, O'Neill."
Jack imagined the eyebrow raising and in his mind he heard the unspoken, ‘That is an understatement.' He shook his head and pressed the talk button on the radio again as he shone his flashlight into yet another of the darkened storerooms. "You were saying, Teal'c?"
"I have not yet located Daniel Jackson, but he has been in his office recently."
He stepped into the storeroom, sweeping his flashlight across it in wide strokes. "How long ago?"
"I am not certain; however, the jacket he wore in the locker room is here." Another pause, and Jack imagined Teal'c tilting his head and lowering his eyebrows as he considered how best to impart the next piece of information. Jack made the decision for him, opting for the direct approach.
"What?" he asked.
There was only a second's hesitation before Teal'c spoke again. "O'Neill, it is imperative that we locate Daniel Jackson immediately."
He sighed angrily. Was that all Teal'c wanted to tell him? He snapped his radio back on as he slowly searched through the darkness. "I knew that, Teal'c!"
"Indeed. Nonetheless, it is now a matter of even greater import."
He knew why Teal'c was being so evasive; his emotional stability had proven itself to be virtually non-existent since Hathor's departure. There was no doubt in Jack's mind that Teal'c was simply attempting to keep him as calm as possible. Unfortunately, the Jaffa's deliberately vague answers were having the exact opposite effect.
"Will you just give me a straight God damned answer!"
Even as he snapped at Teal'c, Jack saw his flashlight beam reflecting back at him from something in the back corner of the dark room, and he stepped forward to investigate.
"There is an artifact missing from Daniel Jackson's office," Teal'c finally said.
He had advanced far enough to see clearly what occupied the corner, and he froze.
Teal'c continued his explanation, his voice suddenly obscenely loud to Jack's ears. "He only just acquired it three weeks ago, from P3X-159. It is a ceremonial dagger, used by Goa'uld priests during the Prim'ta."
He stared into the corner, frozen in shock and horror, and swallowed hard. He pressed the radio once again, lowered his voice to a whisper, and said, "Big dagger? Gold handle, jewels, split blade, looks really sharp?"
Teal'c obviously noticed the change in Jack's voice, because he answered just as softly. "Indeed, O'Neill. You know the weapon?"
He swallowed the bile that had risen in his throat. "I do now," he whispered. Oh yeah, he knew the weapon.
He knew where the dagger that was missing from Daniel's office had gone. He knew who had taken it, and he knew what was about to be done with it. He spoke into the radio once more, wanting to alert Teal'c to the situation, but unwilling to risk frightening the man in front of him - a man with long brown hair and tear stains on his cheeks who was sitting folded up on himself in that dark corner, his knees drawn up to his chest, pressing the blade of that dagger against his own wrist.
"I'm looking right at it."
Part Two
Chapter One
The mood in the locker room was much lighter than it had been minutes before. Sam and Janet had escaped what they'd apparently thought would be serious consequences for going to any lengths necessary to stop Hathor. Hammond had said he was putting them up for commendation medals, and Jack didn't disagree.
They'd stopped Hathor. Unlike some people who hadn't even tried.
Janet and Sam exchanged a look of pleasant surprise, followed by an almost conspiratorial giggle. "Oh my," Sam said with a smile. "Feel like a woman, Doc?"
"Oh yeah," Janet returned lightly. Her own smile still shining, Janet gathered up her specimen containers and stood. "I'll just get these down to the lab, and hope that we'll get something useful from them." She walked toward the door, nodding at Jack and Teal'c before turning her full attention to Daniel. "Dr. Jackson, I do expect to see you in the infirmary before you leave the base for the night. You've still not reported for that physical I ordered."
Daniel nodded wordlessly and without looking up; he seemed intent on studying his own feet.
Janet returned the nod with a small smile and left the locker room.
Sam walked over to her teammates, pulling off the gloves she'd been wearing while helping Janet with the specimen collection. Jack took a step toward her. "Great job, Carter."
"Thank you, sir," Sam replied, her voice filled with relief.
"Indeed, Captain Carter, you performed most admirably at a time of great confusion and peril."
"Thanks, Teal'c."
They all waited for Daniel to echo the sentiment. When no congratulations were forthcoming, three pair of eyes turned toward where he had been standing only to find he was no longer there. The three of them had moved closer together, forming a tight circle, but Daniel had moved away from them. He stood with his arms wrapped around himself, staring at the remains of the Goa'uld larva that had filled the Jacuzzi only hours before.
"Daniel? You okay?"
Daniel closed his eyes, and seemed to be concentrating. He shook his head and said, "Hm? Oh yeah ... yeah, I'm fine." He opened his eyes and glanced at Sam. "Just thinking."
"Thinking 'bout what?" Jack asked, stepping forward. Daniel turned away, but not fast enough that Jack didn't see the shamed flush that had risen to his cheeks.
"Nothing."
"Come on ... if you're thinking, you have to be thinking about something, right? So what is it?"
He didn't know what he wanted Daniel to say in response to that, didn't know if anything he said would or even could start to make up for what he'd done.
Daniel shook his head, never taking his eyes from the blackened mess on the side of the metal tub.
"Come on, Daniel, give. Are you missing your girlfriend or mourning your children?"
The anger had been there all along, simmering just beneath the surface, but it chose that time to explode in full force. He could feel his face reddening at an alarming pace, forming itself into a mask of pure rage. He took a few deliberate steps in Daniel's direction, and Daniel shrank back instinctively.
"Colonel, I think that maybe we should ..."
"Tell me, Daniel, was she worth it? I mean, with everything it almost cost us, was she at least good in bed?"
Jack watched the color drain from Daniel's face, leaving him ashen and visibly shaken, but for the first time in recent memory, he didn't care.
"Colonel, I really don't think this is a good ..."
"Was it good for you, Daniel?" Jack's voice was biting now. He wanted to sting Daniel to the very core, wanted to hurt him the way he'd been hurt, and he didn't care how he did it.
Daniel retreated from Jack's advancing anger one step at a time. His eyes darted around frantically as he searched for an escape that he knew did not exist, and Jack's measured steps continued to narrow the gap between them.
"Colonel, please ..."
"No," Daniel whispered, his response almost inaudible. With an obvious effort, he cleared his throat and raised his head, stepping back again. "No, it wasn't."
"You mean you risked the lives of everyone on this base, everyone on this planet, and you didn't even enjoy it?" Jack took another angry step forward.
"Colonel! There's something you need to know ..."
"Nothing to enjoy," Daniel answered evenly.
"Oh, come on, Daniel!" Jack continued, stepping forward once more, ignoring Carter's increasingly frantic attempts to divert his attention and gesturing angrily at the Jacuzzi. "A lot of that will probably be yours. That's what you said. What the hell else could that possibly mean?"
Daniel's retreat was suddenly halted by the wall at his back. "You don't understand." His voice was emotionless, his words as dull as his eyes were becoming.
"Understand what, Daniel? I think I understand just fine. I took Sex Ed a long time ago, kiddo."
"Colonel!" Sam reached out, grabbed Jack's arm, and tried to pull him away, but he shrugged her off easily. He had Daniel backed up against the wall, and Daniel's growing distress meant nothing to him. Daniel's eyes were glazing over and glistening with unshed tears; twelve hours earlier, that would have been more than enough to make him stop, and he knew it. But he couldn't stop. Once he'd let himself start, all the rage and hatred he'd been holding back was boiling over, and he couldn't have stopped it if he'd wanted to.
Teal'c stepped forward.
"O'Neill, perhaps if you would allow Daniel Jackson to speak ..."
"Oh, yeah, Teal'c! That's a great idea! Let's let him talk. Maybe he can talk himself out of this, the same way he talked that damn bitch out of those cuffs! That worked out just great for you, didn't it, Danny?" Jack spat the name out, using it as a weapon rather than the term of endearment that it normally was, and he took another step forward. His face was only inches from Daniel's, close enough that he could feel the man's even but slightly quivering breaths against his skin, but instead of making him back off, it only served to anger him more. "What the hell were you thinking? Did you think she was another present for you?"
Daniel flinched and gritted his teeth; Sam gasped and Teal'c's posture stiffened. He had a feeling in the back of his mind that he was going too far - way too far.
But he wasn't done.
"What, a former slave isn't enough for you? Thought you'd go for a real goddess this time? Did you see her and immediately start thinking, 'Gee, maybe if I'm nice to her I'll get some today.'?"
Daniel simply stared straight ahead, his eyes locked on the space above Jack's right shoulder.
"Colonel, stop!"
"Do you know what you almost did to this planet, Daniel?" Jack raised his right hand and jabbed his index finger into Daniel's sternum. "You! You alone almost handed this entire planet to the Goa'uld!"
There was no answer. The blue eyes were wide and filled with fear and pain, but unseeing. The open palms were shaking. Jack's anger grew at the lack of response, and he pressed harder.
"Why did you do it, Daniel?" Jack demanded. He knew that his face was getting redder, because he could feel the flush that had risen into it. "Why the hell did you sleep with her?"
Daniel was trembling all over now, and Jack knew it was more from fear than anger. He had his arms wrapped around his stomach, and he closed his eyes. Jack could hear his gasping, shaking breaths, and he knew that Sam and Teal'c could hear them, too.
"Colonel, you're scaring him!"
"O'Neill!"
Sam and Teal'c moved forward as one, stepping in front of him and trying to block his view of Daniel.
"Colonel, Teal'c and I really need to talk to you."
"Indeed, O'Neill. At this moment exactly."
"Hang on a minute," Jack responded, waving them off. "I asked you a question, Daniel. Answer me!"
Daniel didn't speak, didn't move. He opened his eyes, stared at nothing, and took another deep breath. The trembling had started to subside. Jack had seen it before.
Daniel was shutting himself down.
"Colonel, leave him alone!"
"No, Captain!" Jack answered with venom without taking his eyes from Daniel's face. "Not this time!"
"O'Neill, this conversation is causing Daniel Jackson great distress."
"Oh, well, gee ... I really don't give a damn, Teal'c!" Jack spun to face them. "How can you two stand there and defend him after what he did?" Jack turned back to Daniel, reaching out suddenly to grip the younger man's jaw in his hand.
"Colonel, no!"
"What you did, Daniel ... no defense. The greatest threat this planet has ever known walked through the front door, and you decided to take it to bed!"
Daniel closed his eyes one more time. When he opened them again, they were empty. The fear was gone, as were the pain and the unshed tears.
"You screwed up, Dannyboy! You screwed up, and then you screwed her!"
Jack was beyond mad. He was irate. His anger, frustration, and helplessness at the way Hathor had treated him, at the wound that had been inflicted upon him, at the casual way Daniel had mentioned that the DNA would be his, at the fact that Daniel had been part of it, had helped her convince the men on the base to listen to her, follow her, belong to her … It all boiled to the surface, and he erupted. He grabbed Daniel by the collar of his jacket and pushed him up against the wall.
"Talk to me, damn it! Explain yourself! Give me a reason, Daniel, give me your excuse!"
Sam grabbed Jack's arm again and pulled against him as hard as she could. "Colonel! Let go of him!"
Jack shrugged her off and pulled Daniel forward until their faces were only inches apart. "You helped her turn me into one of them!"
"Colonel, you're hurting him!"
"Not yet, Carter. But I'm seriously thinking about it!"
"O'Neill, your behavior is most irrational. If you continue, you will cause harm to Daniel Jackson."
Jack roared his fury at Daniel's lack of defense and shook him bodily. Daniel offered no resistance, and his deafening silence served only to infuriate Jack more. "Say something, damn you! Answer me!"
Jack punctuated his demand by slamming Daniel into the wall. His head bounced off, and the sound of it seemed to echo through the locker room.
"No!" Sam cried out.
Daniel didn't even flinch.
Jack growled, released his right hand from Daniel's jacket, and pulled his fist back. Before he could throw it, Teal'c had stepped between the two men, gripped Jack around the chest, and pushed him away.
"Why didn't you stop her, Daniel? Why the hell didn't you stop her!"
He struggled against Teal'c's grasp, reaching out to grab Daniel again. Daniel's expression hadn't changed at all; his gaze remained locked on nothing, his eyes as dull and lifeless as they had been in the VIP room. He knew that Sam and Teal'c were confused and shocked by his behavior, but they didn't understand. They couldn't understand.
They hadn't been there.
"O'Neill, you would be wise to be silent at this point."
"Oh really, Teal'c? And why would that be?"
"Daniel Jackson is your friend, O'Neill, as you are both mine. He has been gravely mistreated by our enemy, as have you. He is not to blame for what has transpired here, and I will not allow you to injure him further."
Silence descended again, and a few seconds later, Daniel's eyes rolled back in his head and he started sliding down the wall none-too-gracefully.
"Daniel?" Sam asked in concern, stepping forward. "Daniel!"
Sam tried to make a grab for him, but Teal'c was faster. He released his grip on Jack and wrapped his arms gently around Daniel, lowering him to the floor slowly. Sam knelt beside him, checking his pulse and breathing. Jack groaned and threw his arms in the air in frustration.
"Oh, great. Now he's fainting."
Sam looked up at Jack, daggers flying from her suddenly cold blue eyes. "Sir, with all due respect, shut the hell up."
"That's insubordination, Captain!"
"Yes, sir, it probably is. But at the moment, I think it's entirely justified. What the hell is wrong with you?" Sam looked back down at Daniel and started loosening the collar of his shirt. "With everything he's been through in past twenty-four hours ..."
"Oh, get off it, Carter! He's not the victim here. He hasn't been through anything!"
"Really?" Sam's voice dripped with sarcasm when she answered. She closed her eyes, placed a gentle hand against Daniel's cheek, and turned his head to the side. "Then what exactly are those?"
Jack stepped forward to see what she was talking about, and as her fingers brushed Daniel's hair away from his face, he saw them. Five deep bruises, the size and shape of fingerprints, marred the side of Daniel's neck. Jack shook his head at the implication of that; it didn't make any sense. Daniel had bruises on his neck. Bruises implied a struggle, a fight.
The realization dawned with sudden, perfect clarity, and the anger that Jack had allowed to consume him faded into nothingness, leaving him completely drained. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back as he sank to his knees on the floor.
Teal'c gently lifted Daniel's right wrist from the floor, pushing the sleeves of his shirt and jacket out of the way and motioning toward it with his head. More bruises, more fingerprints, all around his wrist. When he saw the look of horror that crossed Jack's face, Teal'c spoke again. "It does not appear that Daniel Jackson was as willing as you claim, O'Neill."
"Oh, gee, Teal'c, ya think?" There was anger in his voice again, but it wasn't directed at Daniel. He was mad at himself, at Hathor, at every other man on the base, at everyone on the planet except Daniel. "Shit," he whispered as he pushed Daniel's other sleeves up, closing his eyes when he saw identical bruising around his left wrist. "I just fucked up."
A moan from the floor called their attention to the fact that Daniel was starting to rouse. Sam leaned forward, laying her hand against his cheek again. "Daniel? Can you hear me?"
Blue eyes fluttered open slowly and glanced around in confusion. "Hey, Sam." Daniel looked from Sam to Teal'c to Jack, apprehension and uncertainty plain on his face. "Um ... what happened?"
"Well," Jack began. He caught the warning look that Sam aimed in his direction, and he softened his voice. "You blanked out for a bit there, Daniel."
"Blanked out?" Daniel looked around again. He pressed his hands against the cold tiles of the floor and tried to push himself up. Teal'c grabbed his right arm to steady him as Sam pushed past Jack to do the same on his left. They helped him into a sitting position, then let him lean against the wall.
"Do you feel any pain, Daniel Jackson?"
Daniel's eyebrows lowered in concentration as he assessed himself. Jack knew that he was searching his memory for some explanation of how he had ended up on the floor, but apparently he found nothing. "My head hurts," he answered with a shrug. "Other than that, I'm fine."
"Yeah, you kinda ... um ... hit your head," Jack explained softly.
Sam and Teal'c exchanged a glance, and Daniel's eyes narrowed. He'd seen the way they looked at each other, and it was obvious that he knew that there was more to the story than they were telling him.
"We should probably get you down to the infirmary," Jack continued. "You smacked it pretty hard."
Something flashed in Daniel's eyes, just for a second, but Jack noticed it. Confusion he'd have expected, but that's not what it was. It was fear. Why would Daniel be afraid of the infirmary?
"Uh ... no. No, I don't need to go to the infirmary."
"You passed out, Daniel," Sam said gently. "You might have a concussion. You really should go see Janet."
Jack gave Daniel a weak smile and patted him on the arm, and he had to force himself to ignore the glares that Sam and Teal'c shot at him. "Besides, you've got to go down and have that physical before we leave, right?"
Daniel turned his head quickly and focused on him. "Why do I need a physical? I just had one last week, remember? Nem, that whole mind probe thing? Janet had me down there for hours, poking and prodding and ..." Daniel's voice drifted off when he saw varying degrees of alarm and concern on the faces of his friends. "What?" he almost demanded. "What's going on?"
"Daniel, do you remember Hathor?" Sam asked softly.
"Hathor? Sure. Why?"
"What do you remember about her?" Jack tried to keep his voice gentle, but it only served to raise the alarm on Daniel's face.
"She's the Egyptian goddess of fertility, inebriety, and music. Daughter and wife to Ra, mother of Horus the ... what?" The alarm was beginning to transform into panic. "Jack, what's wrong? What happened?"
"Hathor is a Goa'uld," Jack whispered.
"Okay. We probably shouldn't be surprised at that. But why are you asking me about her?"
"Hathor was here, in the SGC, for almost twenty-four hours," Teal'c explained.
"We had a Goa'uld on the base?" Daniel looked directly at Jack as panic and alarm seemed to give way to curiosity. "You'd think I'd remember something like that."
"Yeah," Jack agreed softly. "Ya'd think."
"Daniel," Sam interrupted. "Janet ordered full physicals for everyone who came in direct contact with Hathor. You haven't reported in for yours yet."
Daniel closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead with his right hand. "There was a Goa'uld on the base, I came in direct contact with her, and I don't ...?"
Daniel faltered, and his voice trailed off. He pressed his hand to his forehead as though he was pushing away a sudden headache. A shudder ran through him, and his breathing sped up again. Then he gasped, loudly, and pressed his back against the wall.
"Daniel?" Sam asked in alarm, leaning forward to place her hand on his arm. He flinched away from her touch.
Jack could see how much that reaction upset her, so he touched her arm by way of offering comfort, and he took over asking the questions.
"You don't what, Daniel?"
The sound of Jack's voice made Daniel jump, and he shivered, obviously trying to bring himself back under control. "Remember," he managed to force out. After taking another deep breath, he raised his head and looked Jack straight in the eye. He flashed a weak smile that didn't reach his eyes. "I don't remember."
Jack didn't believe him. None of them did, and it showed on their faces. Daniel was wound tighter than a spring and looked ready to shatter into a thousand pieces at the slightest provocation. Jack had some experience with traumatic flashbacks, and he was willing to bet a year's pay that he'd just watched Daniel have one. Daniel took a deep breath, visibly forced himself to relax, and the smile became more seemingly sincere.
"Sorry about drifting off. My head really does hurt quite a bit. I think that maybe going to the infirmary isn't such a bad idea after all."
Sam moved aside and allowed Jack to take her place at Daniel's left side. He and Teal'c took Daniel's arms and helped him to his feet, keeping their hands on him while he regained his balance.
"Do you wish for one of us to accompany you?"
Daniel smiled again. "No, Teal'c, I'm fine. It's just a headache. And I do remember the way to the infirmary." He reached out for Sam's hand, gently squeezing it in his own before turning to Teal'c and patting his arm. Having reassured both of them, he glanced at Jack before pulling away quickly and walking out the door.
Jack watched Daniel leave, trying to force down the strange feeling of fear that had come over him when he'd looked into Daniel's eyes seconds before. He ignored what he thought he'd seen and convinced himself that it was just the harsh lights of the locker room playing tricks on him, dismissing it so he could concentrate more fully on the subject that had taken center stage in his mind. He waited only until he knew Daniel was far enough away that he wouldn't hear the conversation before he spun on Sam.
"You knew?"
Sam nodded her head, glancing across at Teal'c. "I had a pretty strong suspicion, yeah."
"Why? How?"
Sam opened and closed her mouth a few times, unable to speak. Teal'c noticed her difficulty and interceded.
"When we encountered Daniel Jackson in Hathor's quarters, his condition was most alarming."
"One of you tell me what you're talking about!"
Sam took a deep breath and opened her eyes, focusing on Jack. "He was just ... sitting there, staring at the wall. I must have said his name three or four times, sir, but he didn't look at me. It was like he didn't hear me, didn't know I was there ... like he wasn't there. I couldn't tell if he was drugged or in shock or what. It looked like he'd been crying."
"Damn ..." Jack faltered, his eyes darting back and forth between Carter and Teal'c. "What else?"
"The room was ... well, it was a mess. The lamps were knocked over, and the bed ..." She closed her eyes and swallowed hard, unable to continue.
"What about the bed?"
"It was ... the mattress had been knocked sideways. The pillows were everywhere. Furniture was overturned. The sheets ..." Sam looked away, unable to put what she'd seen into words.
"What?" Jack demanded.
"There were dark stains on the sheets, O'Neill," Teal'c replied quietly. Bowing his head, he continued. "From where I stood, they appeared to be blood."
"Blood?!"
Sam sighed again and nodded. "That's what I thought it was too."
"So you walk in to Hathor's quarters, and you find Daniel just sitting there, either drugged out of his mind or in shock, or maybe both, on a crooked bed, in a trashed room, with blood on the sheets … and you left him there?" Jack redirected his anger again, this time throwing it all at the two people who stood beside him. "You had a 'pretty strong suspicion' that she'd ... that he'd ... that that snakehead bitch had hurt him, and you just walked out and left him there? How could you do that to him? Leave him behind, leave him to her like that?!"
The color rose in Sam's cheeks when she answered him. "Sir, we didn't have a choice! We had a chance to take Hathor out, and we had to take it."
"Captain Carter is correct, O'Neill. The fate of your world was at stake. Had we succeeded, we would have both rid the SGC of the Goa'uld threat and protected Daniel Jackson from further harm by eliminating the cause of his pain."
"I never would have left him there if I'd thought ... if I'd known ... if I'd believed for even one second that we wouldn't be successful."
"But you weren't successful, were you, Captain?" Jack saw her flinch and knew that he was hurting her, but he couldn't seem to stop the words that flew from him lips. "You left him behind, you failed, and she went back! How many more times did she ... how many more times did he go through that?"
"I don't know," Sam whispered, turning away.
"Why didn't you blow the bitch away? Not just for what she did to him, but for everything? Good God, what stopped you from just ...?"
"You did."
Jack's mouth snapped closed at the quiet statement, and he looked across at Sam only to find her staring down at her own feet. "I ... what?"
"It was you who stopped us in our endeavor to neutralize Hathor, O'Neill. General Hammond, several of your airmen, and you."
"It ... I ... it was?"
Sam nodded her head wordlessly, and Teal'c said softly, "Indeed."
Jack sat down hard on the bench, staring first at Carter and then at Teal'c. His memories were still hazy in spots; this was one of them. But he knew that they weren't lying to him.
"Damn it," Jack muttered. "You didn't do this to him then." He buried his face in his hands and rested his elbows on his knees. "I did."
"No, sir," Sam said softly. Jack looked up at her in surprise. "Hathor did."
Chapter Two
Daniel walked quickly along the corridor. He stayed close to the wall, so close that his hand and arm brushed against it as he moved. He kept his eyes on the floor in front of him, refusing to lift his head even to return the greetings he received from passersby. He was nearly to his office - just another few feet and he could hide away again, if only for a few moments.
He could feel the memories sneaking up on him, poised at the edge of his consciousness and waiting to pounce on him. If that happened in the corridor, if that happened while people were looking at him ... and damn it, why were they all looking at him? He heard voices whispering to each other as they passed, and he knew what they were talking about. What else could they be talking about?
"Did you hear about Dr. Jackson ...?"
"He went with her willingly ..."
"Followed her right into that room ..."
"Didn't fight ..."
"Didn't scream ..."
"Didn't run ..."
"No," Daniel whispered. "No, that's a lie ... I did. I tried. I couldn't ..."
Colors erupted before his eyes, swirling pinks and purples, overshadowed by blackness and tinged red with blood and flames. Red hair and flashing eyes, the sound of ripping cloth, the feel of hands on his skin, fingernails like claws raking down his back, teeth sinking into the flesh of his chest, fear and shame and pain...
Daniel stumbled and grabbed for the wall, fighting to keep himself on his feet long enough to reach the door to his office. The corridor was suddenly filled with people, all of them pressing against him, pushing, shoving - their faces wavered and warped in front of him, their wide, empty eyes stared at him, their lips formed wordless accusations of his crime. Some pointed fingers at him, some laughed, some screamed, and others simply snapped at him in anger.
"You ..."
"Dr. Jackson ..."
"Daniel Jackson ..."
"You did this to us!"
"You gave us to her!"
"You belong to her ..."
"No!" Daniel cried out, fighting his way through the sea of bodies that blocked his way. Hands grabbed for him, tearing at his clothes, bruising his flesh, pulling his hair. "No, let me go! Leave me alone!"
Four men stepped forward, placing themselves between Daniel and the refuge he sought. They lifted their shirts and there, dark and angry against the skin of their stomachs, the deep, penetrating Xs that marked them forever as Hathor's Jaffa were clearly visible. Daniel stared in open horror, backing away slowly as one by one the wounds were ripped open from the inside out. Goa'uld larva - larva that carried his own genetic code - stretched out toward him. Their jaws opened, and the light shone back at him from their horrible teeth.
"Our Chosen ..."
"Our Beloved ..."
"Our Pharaoh ..."
"Our Father ..."
"NO!"
"Do you feel any pain, Daniel Jackson?"
"Daniel, you okay?"
"You screwed her, Dannyboy. You screwed us all."
"No, Jack ... please ..." Daniel let himself fall back against the wall, pressing his hands flat against it to hold himself up.
"Help me, Daniel!"
"I ... I can't ..."
"Don't just sit there. Help me!"
"Dr. Jackson, please, help me!"
"I want to ... I will ..."
"You dare defy us!"
The hands were back. He felt them pulling him up, pushing him back, holding him down. Fingers in his hair pulled his head up and held it still; fingers on his shoulders pressed against the nerves and forced him to his knees; fingers around his throat pinned him to the wall and choked him; fingers against his ribs dug into the tender flesh and drove what air was left in his lungs away. Blackness danced at the edges of his vision, his lips went numb and he struggled against the disembodied hands that held him, throwing himself across the corridor and into the opposite wall.
"Daniel ..."
"Dr. Jackson ..."
"No!" Daniel screamed again, dropping to his knees and wrapping his arms around his head. "No! Leave me alone!"
"Dr. Jackson ..."
"Dr. Jackson!" Sergeant Siler knelt in front of him and grabbed his shoulders. "Dr. Jackson, what's wrong?"
"Don't touch me!" Daniel cried out, shoving Siler back and knocking him to the ground. "Get away from me!"
"Dr. Jackson ..." Siler pushed himself back to his knees and reached out once more. "I'm not going to hurt you, sir. I just want to help."
"No!" Daniel lurched to his feet and bolted down the corridor toward his office.
Siler stared after him in momentarily stunned silence, then pushed himself to his feet and ran in the opposite direction.
Janet strode purposefully into the locker room. Her determined pace faltered when she saw three-fourths of SG-1 seated on the bench, all staring at the charred remains of the Goa'uld larva that continued to ooze down the side of the Jacuzzi.
Jack glanced up at her, and then jumped to his feet. "Hey, Doc," he said quickly. "How's Daniel?"
Janet looked from Jack to Sam and Teal'c and then back to him again. "I was just about to ask you the same question, Colonel."
He met her gaze with open confusion. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about Daniel," she answered simply. "He still hasn't been to the infirmary." Janet glanced around the locker room once more. "Where is he?"
"He's not here, Janet," Sam replied.
"I can see that. That's why I asked where he is."
"Daniel Jackson has gone to the infirmary."
"When?"
Jack glanced down at his watch, and then at his teammates standing at his shoulders. "It had to be at least half an hour ago now."
Janet shook her head. "I just left there, and I haven't seen him."
"Well, he can't have gone too far. We'll just have to ..." Jack began, but Janet cut him off with a wave of his hand.
"We'll have to worry about Daniel later. Right now, Colonel, it's vital that you come back to the infirmary with me."
"Why?"
"There's been a development, sir, a complication ..."
"Damn it, Doc, what's going on?" His anger flashed again, and Janet took a step back.
"Colonel," she answered evenly, her voice calm and steady. "It's Hathor's control drug. It appears to have a side effect that I hadn't anticipated. It's becoming obvious to me that as the body tries to metabolize it, the drug somehow fights to keep control. And it manifests that fight by amplifying the negative emotions of the ..."
"Meaning what?" Jack hissed.
"Meaning that I've got General Hammond in the infirmary in the middle of a full-blown panic attack. Some of the other men have been in complaining of mood swings, but none of them have had reactions nearly as severe as General Hammond's. That leads me to believe that the emotional response to the withdrawal is directly proportional to the amount of drug in the system ..."
"In English, Doc!"
"The higher the amount of the drug being eliminated, the more severe the emotional reactions."
Sam's eyes widened and she stared at Jack. "Mood swings?"
Janet nodded her head slightly. "That is how I would describe the reaction that most of the men seem to be having - mild to moderate mood swings. But with higher exposure, I think we're talking about something much more dangerous. Totally irrational emotional outbursts, manic-depressive tendencies ..."
"Um … unprovoked murderous rages?" Jack ventured.
"Definitely possible," Janet answered.
"This would explain your earlier treatment of Daniel Jackson," Teal'c observed, intentionally ignoring the angry look that Jack directed at him.
"What earlier treatment of Daniel?" Janet asked, her concern mounting. "Colonel, what did you do?"
"I just ... I kinda got mad at him ..."
"You slammed his head into the wall, Colonel." Obviously Sam wasn't going to be taking up for him, either.
"What?" Janet stepped forward immediately and grabbed Jack's arm. "You're having emotional outbursts?"
Jack grimaced and dropped his head. "Yeah, you could say that."
"You spent more time with Hathor than the general did, sir. I'd venture to say you got a higher dose of that drug than he did. For your own protection, and for the safety of the base, I think it's imperative that you ..."
"Daniel!" Sam cried out suddenly, causing three heads to snap in her direction. She stared back at them all in turn, her eyes wide with fear. "Daniel spent more time with Hathor than anyone did."
Teal'c picked up on the implication immediately. "Daniel Jackson would have received the highest amount of exposure to the drug."
Jack finished the thought. "And now Daniel's disappeared." He jerked his head to the side and pulled his arm out of Janet's grasp. "Shit!"
Janet reached out for his arm again. "Colonel, I have to insist that you come with me to the infirmary."
"I'm not going anywhere until I know where Daniel is!" he snapped. "Carter ..."
"Colonel O'Neill!" Sergeant Siler's normally steady voice was shaking with exertion and emotion as he burst through the door. "Colonel O'Neill, thank God I found you!"
"What is it, Sergeant?"
"It's Dr. Jackson, sir."
"Daniel?" Sam took an anxious step forward.
"What about Daniel?" Jack demanded.
Siler shook his head. "I don't know ... I can't describe it. One minute, he was walking down the hall and the next he was ..."
"Was what?" Teal'c asked, his voice calm despite the noticeable pinch between his eyebrows.
"He just started screaming. He was ... I can't describe it, sir. He looked like he was fighting something, and he was so scared. He threw himself into the wall, and he fell, but when I went to try and help him, he pushed me down ..."
"Daniel pushed you down?" Sam couldn't hide the disbelief in her voice.
He crossed to the door in three brisk steps and grabbed Siler's arms. "Where is he?" he hissed. When Siler recoiled from the harshness of the question without answering, Jack shook him. "Where is he!"
"I ... he ...," Siler stammered.
"Where!"
"I don't know, sir," Siler finally managed to answer. "I don't know. He ran away, toward his office."
"Why didn't you follow him?"
"I thought it best that I find you first ..."
Jack growled and pulled Siler toward him.
"Colonel!" Janet called in alarm. "Irrational emotions, sir!"
He looked across his shoulder at her, and then back at the clearly frightened features of Sergeant Siler in front of him. He closed his eyes and shook his head, forcing the anger away. He released Siler's arms and stepped back. "No, you did the right thing," he said slowly. "You're right. Thank you."
He opened his eyes and turned toward his team. "Carter, notify the front gate that under no circumstances is Daniel to leave this mountain, and then start a sweep of the base."
"Yes, sir," Carter responded, dashing from the room.
"Teal'c, you go to Daniel's office. He's looking for somewhere safe. That's the direction he was heading, so we start there first."
Teal'c nodded once and strode briskly through the door.
"Siler, I want you to go up to security. Watch the cameras. If Daniel shows up on any of them, notify us immediately."
With a quick nod of his own, Siler ran into the corridor.
"Doc ..." He paused, unsure of just what to say. Janet was already wounded and had probably seen more action in the past day than she'd seen in her entire career. "You head back down to the infirmary. If you think the general can handle what's going on, let him know. Otherwise, just ... do your thing."
"Colonel, what about you?" Janet asked. "I can't just ignore your outbursts, sir. I'm worried that you might be a danger to others ..."
Jack silenced her with a hard stare. "I'm mad about what happened, Doc. Okay? I am pissed as hell about what happened to me and Daniel. So yeah, I might snap at a few people, but I know what's going on, and I'll be able to control it."
"But, sir ..."
"Daniel doesn't know what's happening to him. He has no idea that his emotions are out of whack. So yeah, I might be having a few irrational responses or homicidal thoughts about other people, but I'm not going to kill anyone. But Daniel ... think about it. If he's alone, and I'm sure he is, he's going to direct those irrational and homicidal thoughts at himself. If you knew, Doc …"
Jack took a deep breath. It would only be a matter of time before Janet knew everything, because someone was going to have to tell her what she was dealing with once she had Daniel in the infirmary. But the immediate priority was finding him and getting him there, so for the time-being the abbreviated version would have to do. She was a smart woman; she'd understand what he wasn't saying, anyway.
"I know he knocked his head pretty bad, because I'm the one who did it, but there's more than that. He's hurt - bad - in places you can't even see, and ways you don't wanna imagine, and he's scared."
Janet's gasp was soft and not entirely surprised-sounding. "I was worried that might be a possibility, after what he said …"
"He's in shock," he continued, cutting her off before she could say any more. "He's gone catatonic at least twice. What are the odds that he's going to end up suicidal?"
"Very good, sir," Janet answered softly. "But there's a chance that he won't."
"There's a bigger chance that he will. And it's a chance that I'm not willing to take." He turned toward the door.
"What are you going to do, Colonel?"
He paused for only a second, turning his head slightly to the side and speaking to Janet over his shoulder. "I'm going to find Daniel," he answered. "If that's a problem, well ... that's just too damn bad."
Before Janet could speak again, Jack was gone.
He didn't know exactly know how he ended up in the sub-levels.
Carter had reported in already and had told him that Daniel hadn't tried to leave the mountain, so that meant he was still in it - somewhere. Siler hadn't seen him on any of the security cameras, so wherever he was he was either staying very well hidden, or he was somewhere the cameras didn't look very often. Teal'c hadn't reported from his office yet, so he might still be there, but for some reason Jack was beginning to doubt it.
Under normal circumstances, he knew Daniel well enough to know where the man would go in any given situation … but circumstances were so far from normal that it wasn't even funny. So he was wandering around the sub-levels, with only his flashlight to keep him company.
How the hell had such a normal day gone so wrong?
It had all started when the snakebitch had walked through the door. Everything that had come after had been entirely her doing and was completely her fault. He'd been turned into a Jaffa - gutted like a fish, really - stripped of his immune system and left completely defenseless. And Daniel …
Jack decided that the darkness of the sub-levels was an appropriate place for him to be; it set the tone for his thoughts. He understood where the outburst in the locker room had come from, but understanding it didn't mean that he didn't feel guilty about it. Daniel had just been through what had to be one of the most traumatic experiences of his life, and he'd made it worse. There was nothing like taking someone who he knew would already be blaming himself for the entire fiasco and compounding that guilt a hundred times over. And using Sha're like he had … there was no excuse for it. No matter how angry he'd been, no matter how many alien drugs coursed through his system and messed with his emotions, there was nothing that could justify treating Daniel the way he had.
He hadn't been strong enough to resist Hathor, and he'd spent his whole life being trained to do just that. There hadn't been a single man in that mountain who'd been able to fight her. How could he have ever expected Daniel to stop her by himself? How could he have blamed him for not being able to?
"O'Neill."
Jack reached up with his right hand, grasped the radio with his fingers, and lowered his lips toward it. "Teal'c," he said. "You find him?"
He could almost see Teal'c shaking his head in the silence that followed the question. "I have not. However …"
"What?" he demanded, and then he sighed. "Sorry, Teal'c," he said. "That drug is making me a bit touchy."
"Indeed, O'Neill."
Jack imagined the eyebrow raising and in his mind he heard the unspoken, ‘That is an understatement.' He shook his head and pressed the talk button on the radio again as he shone his flashlight into yet another of the darkened storerooms. "You were saying, Teal'c?"
"I have not yet located Daniel Jackson, but he has been in his office recently."
He stepped into the storeroom, sweeping his flashlight across it in wide strokes. "How long ago?"
"I am not certain; however, the jacket he wore in the locker room is here." Another pause, and Jack imagined Teal'c tilting his head and lowering his eyebrows as he considered how best to impart the next piece of information. Jack made the decision for him, opting for the direct approach.
"What?" he asked.
There was only a second's hesitation before Teal'c spoke again. "O'Neill, it is imperative that we locate Daniel Jackson immediately."
He sighed angrily. Was that all Teal'c wanted to tell him? He snapped his radio back on as he slowly searched through the darkness. "I knew that, Teal'c!"
"Indeed. Nonetheless, it is now a matter of even greater import."
He knew why Teal'c was being so evasive; his emotional stability had proven itself to be virtually non-existent since Hathor's departure. There was no doubt in Jack's mind that Teal'c was simply attempting to keep him as calm as possible. Unfortunately, the Jaffa's deliberately vague answers were having the exact opposite effect.
"Will you just give me a straight God damned answer!"
Even as he snapped at Teal'c, Jack saw his flashlight beam reflecting back at him from something in the back corner of the dark room, and he stepped forward to investigate.
"There is an artifact missing from Daniel Jackson's office," Teal'c finally said.
He had advanced far enough to see clearly what occupied the corner, and he froze.
Teal'c continued his explanation, his voice suddenly obscenely loud to Jack's ears. "He only just acquired it three weeks ago, from P3X-159. It is a ceremonial dagger, used by Goa'uld priests during the Prim'ta."
He stared into the corner, frozen in shock and horror, and swallowed hard. He pressed the radio once again, lowered his voice to a whisper, and said, "Big dagger? Gold handle, jewels, split blade, looks really sharp?"
Teal'c obviously noticed the change in Jack's voice, because he answered just as softly. "Indeed, O'Neill. You know the weapon?"
He swallowed the bile that had risen in his throat. "I do now," he whispered. Oh yeah, he knew the weapon.
He knew where the dagger that was missing from Daniel's office had gone. He knew who had taken it, and he knew what was about to be done with it. He spoke into the radio once more, wanting to alert Teal'c to the situation, but unwilling to risk frightening the man in front of him - a man with long brown hair and tear stains on his cheeks who was sitting folded up on himself in that dark corner, his knees drawn up to his chest, pressing the blade of that dagger against his own wrist.
"I'm looking right at it."
Part Two