Stargate SG1: Where the Hell Were You? (4/5)
All disclaimers, notes, warnings and summary are in the Master post: Where the Hell Were You?
Part Three : Reformations
Jack could hear the shouting long before he reached its source, and he quickened his pace.
The reporter had told him that he'd left Daniel alone in the isolation room after Daniel had insisted that he keep and use the tape of Janet's death. Jack had hoped to find Daniel there, alone, as he had been for the majority of the past two days, but that obviously wasn't going to happen. The voices floated out from the room at the end of the corridor, and Jack knew who it was that had intruded on Daniel's corner without permission.
"Daniel, don't do this!"
"Go away, Sam."
"Daniel Jackson, your behavior is most unhealthy."
"Leave me alone, Teal'c."
"Daniel, talk to us. Please. Let us help."
"You can't help. No one can help."
"You must allow us to try."
"I don't have to do anything."
"We all lost her, Daniel. We're all hurting. And we need you."
"You don't understand."
"Doctor Fraiser is dead, Daniel Jackson, but we still live."
"Not all of us."
"Daniel, what are you...?"
"Stop! Stop calling me that! I'm not him!"
"Enough!" Jack bellowed.
Teal'c and Sam turned to look at him, and in their eyes he saw the despair that he knew had to also be in his. Daniel couldn't really believe what he'd just said, could he? Had they really pushed him so far away that he thought he wasn't Daniel Jackson any more?
Jack thought back over the months since Daniel's return, trying to pinpoint the moment when it had all gone so horribly, terribly wrong. He'd been overwhelmed at having Daniel back with them, but Arrom had pushed them away. Jack had tried to connect with Daniel again, had gone to his tent and tried to explain to him who and what he was, but Arrom hadn't seemed willing to listen.
And Jack had left. He knew he hadn't tried hard enough to break through - he'd wanted Daniel back so badly, but Arrom wouldn't let him have him, and he'd felt the pain building up inside of him again, and he'd just left. He'd sent Carter in to finish what he'd started, and she had succeeded where Jack had given up.
And now it seemed that Arrom was back again, pushing them all away just when they needed to pull Daniel close.
Months of memories flashed in an instant, and Jack understood. Daniel standing at the foot of the Gate, wrestling with the memories and emotions and trying to make sense of them - alone - while Jack made a joke about Teal'c's blood sugar and turned away. Daniel standing in the isolation room, terrified, desperate for someone to reach out to, someone to help him understand what was happening to his mind - while Jack sat in the observation room, silent, and simply watched it happen. Daniel cowering against the base of a tree in Honduras with a bullet in his leg, beaten, bloody, and just barely hanging on by a thread - while Jack treated his wounds efficiently and offered no words of comfort or understanding.
Months of Daniel needing reassurance that he was alive and that someone cared about him, and months of Jack refusing to give him those two simple things.
No wonder he was hiding in the darkness of his corner.
"Get out here, Daniel," Jack commanded.
"I'm not..."
"Shut up," Jack said hotly. "Stand up and get your ass out here."
Daniel sighed deeply, and Jack heard the pain that the resignation tried to hide. He watched as Daniel slowly pulled himself to his feet and took a few hesitant steps out of the darkness. The pain and despair on Daniel's face was immeasurable, and Jack had to force himself to ignore it.
"Explain what you just said."
"Which part?" Daniel asked tiredly.
"The part about you not being you."
Daniel shook his head. "I didn't say I'm not me. I said I'm not him."
"Him who?"
"Him," Daniel repeated. "Daniel Jackson."
"Daniel, that's absurd," Sam began, but Jack cut her off with a wave of his hand.
"I am me," Daniel continued. "But I'm not him."
"For crying out... of course you're him, Daniel!" Jack insisted.
Daniel shook his head slowly. "It's weird, actually. I mean, I remember him. I remember being him. But I'm not him. He died, and I came back."
"Would you please stop talking about yourself like you're two different people?"
"Jack..."
"No, Daniel!" Jack cried out. "He's not dead! You're not dead!"
Daniel turned away slowly, and the darkness swallowed him again. "You're wrong, Jack. He is, and I was. You didn't get him back; you got me in his place."
Jack stepped closer. "No, Daniel. We got you back. Where you went, what you did, who you were... none of that matters now. You're home."
Daniel closed his eyes and sank further into the corner. "Am I?"
"Of course you are, Daniel," Sam answered.
"This is where you belong, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c added. "This is where you have always belonged."
Daniel opened his eyes again and looked back at them with a sad smile. "Then why does it hurt so much?"
Jack felt the need to run again, the need to pretend that Daniel was okay and that everything would be fine, but he refused to give into it this time. "Janet was a good friend, Daniel, but..."
"No," Daniel interrupted softly. "I'm not talking about Janet."
Jack tilted his head and raised his eyebrows. "You're not?"
"No. Well, at least, not just her."
"Okay, so tell us what you are talking about," Sam implored him.
"I don't think you really want to hear it, Sam," Daniel answered.
"Humor us, Daniel," Jack said.
Daniel sighed heavily and took one step back out into the light of the room. "Okay. You guys really liked me before, right? We were friends, weren't we?"
Jack and Teal'c nodded, and Sam said, "We love you, Daniel."
"Well, see, that's the problem. I can remember what it felt like, before. I remember knowing that I was safe, and that I had people who cared about me. I can remember that you loved him. But now, since I've been here... you don't even like me. Things happened to me, really bad things happened to me, and I thought... well, you'd have been there for him, right? Because you loved him. But you weren't for me. And at first I wondered, you know, where the hell were you? And that's when I realized that I'm not him. Because if I were, you'd have been there. You loved him, and you resent me for taking him away from you."
"Daniel!" Jack shouted.
"How can you even think that?" Sam demanded.
"This is not true, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c insisted.
Daniel smiled, though tears welled in his eyes. "Oh, it's more true than you're willing to admit, Teal'c. You wanted him back, and you got me instead. You want me to be him, and I'm not. It's not you guys' fault; it's mine. I'm not the Daniel Jackson you thought I was, and you don't feel the same way about me that you did about him. That's okay. That's normal, I guess. Or maybe, okay, well not really normal, because someone coming back from the dead a year later isn't exactly normal, but it's understandable." Daniel paused for a moment, and was met with nothing but stunned silence. "But see, the thing is... I still feel the same way he did. And I still..."
Daniel closed his eyes briefly, and when he opened them the tears were gone and his voice was calm again, but he'd stepped back into the corner once more. "I still love you guys as much as he did. And I'm okay with the fact that you don't, I really am, and I understand why. Because losing Janet, and almost losing you," Daniel stared Jack right in the eye. "I can't do that. I've been trying to pretend that it doesn't bother me, but it does, and now I know; now I understand why you don't feel the same way about me that you did about him. Because you lost him. And if you cared about him half as much as I care about the three of you, then I have no idea how you survived. I don't think I could."
"Daniel...," Jack began.
"No, Jack, don't you see? I'm telling you that I understand. I know why you don't care any more. And I'm trying really, really hard not to care either, because if I care, and I lose one of you... I couldn't do that. I've lost too many, but I thought it was over, and I let myself care again, and now we've lost Janet, and... I'm not strong enough to go through this again. And I know now that you can't either, and I finally understand that's why everything feels so different now."
Sam and Teal'c stood frozen in place, both of them shocked into silence by Daniel's words.
Jack's silence was filled with comprehension. He had pulled away from Daniel since he'd returned. He had pushed Daniel away to protect himself from the pain of losing him again. He had made Daniel feel like no one cared if he lived or died.
And now Jack understood exactly how it felt to be the one on the receiving end of the distance.
Daniel's voice was so calm - the pain he'd shown on his face had been pushed away and he seemed somehow peaceful now. He believed every word he was saying; that much was obvious. Everything about him was so detached, so matter-of-fact, so accepting. But right beneath the surface calm, they could see the despair that he was holding in, the pain that he was pushing down, the depth of emotion that he was refusing to share with them.
He honestly believed that they didn't want it.
Jack cleared his throat roughly and drew a harsh breath. "Carter, Teal'c - out." When they turned toward him in confusion, Jack jerked his head toward the door.
"This is between me and Daniel."
Both nodded silently and turned, walking out of the room without another word. Jack watched until they were gone, and then turned back to Daniel and exploded.
Part Three : Reformations
Jack could hear the shouting long before he reached its source, and he quickened his pace.
The reporter had told him that he'd left Daniel alone in the isolation room after Daniel had insisted that he keep and use the tape of Janet's death. Jack had hoped to find Daniel there, alone, as he had been for the majority of the past two days, but that obviously wasn't going to happen. The voices floated out from the room at the end of the corridor, and Jack knew who it was that had intruded on Daniel's corner without permission.
"Daniel, don't do this!"
"Go away, Sam."
"Daniel Jackson, your behavior is most unhealthy."
"Leave me alone, Teal'c."
"Daniel, talk to us. Please. Let us help."
"You can't help. No one can help."
"You must allow us to try."
"I don't have to do anything."
"We all lost her, Daniel. We're all hurting. And we need you."
"You don't understand."
"Doctor Fraiser is dead, Daniel Jackson, but we still live."
"Not all of us."
"Daniel, what are you...?"
"Stop! Stop calling me that! I'm not him!"
"Enough!" Jack bellowed.
Teal'c and Sam turned to look at him, and in their eyes he saw the despair that he knew had to also be in his. Daniel couldn't really believe what he'd just said, could he? Had they really pushed him so far away that he thought he wasn't Daniel Jackson any more?
Jack thought back over the months since Daniel's return, trying to pinpoint the moment when it had all gone so horribly, terribly wrong. He'd been overwhelmed at having Daniel back with them, but Arrom had pushed them away. Jack had tried to connect with Daniel again, had gone to his tent and tried to explain to him who and what he was, but Arrom hadn't seemed willing to listen.
And Jack had left. He knew he hadn't tried hard enough to break through - he'd wanted Daniel back so badly, but Arrom wouldn't let him have him, and he'd felt the pain building up inside of him again, and he'd just left. He'd sent Carter in to finish what he'd started, and she had succeeded where Jack had given up.
And now it seemed that Arrom was back again, pushing them all away just when they needed to pull Daniel close.
Months of memories flashed in an instant, and Jack understood. Daniel standing at the foot of the Gate, wrestling with the memories and emotions and trying to make sense of them - alone - while Jack made a joke about Teal'c's blood sugar and turned away. Daniel standing in the isolation room, terrified, desperate for someone to reach out to, someone to help him understand what was happening to his mind - while Jack sat in the observation room, silent, and simply watched it happen. Daniel cowering against the base of a tree in Honduras with a bullet in his leg, beaten, bloody, and just barely hanging on by a thread - while Jack treated his wounds efficiently and offered no words of comfort or understanding.
Months of Daniel needing reassurance that he was alive and that someone cared about him, and months of Jack refusing to give him those two simple things.
No wonder he was hiding in the darkness of his corner.
"Get out here, Daniel," Jack commanded.
"I'm not..."
"Shut up," Jack said hotly. "Stand up and get your ass out here."
Daniel sighed deeply, and Jack heard the pain that the resignation tried to hide. He watched as Daniel slowly pulled himself to his feet and took a few hesitant steps out of the darkness. The pain and despair on Daniel's face was immeasurable, and Jack had to force himself to ignore it.
"Explain what you just said."
"Which part?" Daniel asked tiredly.
"The part about you not being you."
Daniel shook his head. "I didn't say I'm not me. I said I'm not him."
"Him who?"
"Him," Daniel repeated. "Daniel Jackson."
"Daniel, that's absurd," Sam began, but Jack cut her off with a wave of his hand.
"I am me," Daniel continued. "But I'm not him."
"For crying out... of course you're him, Daniel!" Jack insisted.
Daniel shook his head slowly. "It's weird, actually. I mean, I remember him. I remember being him. But I'm not him. He died, and I came back."
"Would you please stop talking about yourself like you're two different people?"
"Jack..."
"No, Daniel!" Jack cried out. "He's not dead! You're not dead!"
Daniel turned away slowly, and the darkness swallowed him again. "You're wrong, Jack. He is, and I was. You didn't get him back; you got me in his place."
Jack stepped closer. "No, Daniel. We got you back. Where you went, what you did, who you were... none of that matters now. You're home."
Daniel closed his eyes and sank further into the corner. "Am I?"
"Of course you are, Daniel," Sam answered.
"This is where you belong, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c added. "This is where you have always belonged."
Daniel opened his eyes again and looked back at them with a sad smile. "Then why does it hurt so much?"
Jack felt the need to run again, the need to pretend that Daniel was okay and that everything would be fine, but he refused to give into it this time. "Janet was a good friend, Daniel, but..."
"No," Daniel interrupted softly. "I'm not talking about Janet."
Jack tilted his head and raised his eyebrows. "You're not?"
"No. Well, at least, not just her."
"Okay, so tell us what you are talking about," Sam implored him.
"I don't think you really want to hear it, Sam," Daniel answered.
"Humor us, Daniel," Jack said.
Daniel sighed heavily and took one step back out into the light of the room. "Okay. You guys really liked me before, right? We were friends, weren't we?"
Jack and Teal'c nodded, and Sam said, "We love you, Daniel."
"Well, see, that's the problem. I can remember what it felt like, before. I remember knowing that I was safe, and that I had people who cared about me. I can remember that you loved him. But now, since I've been here... you don't even like me. Things happened to me, really bad things happened to me, and I thought... well, you'd have been there for him, right? Because you loved him. But you weren't for me. And at first I wondered, you know, where the hell were you? And that's when I realized that I'm not him. Because if I were, you'd have been there. You loved him, and you resent me for taking him away from you."
"Daniel!" Jack shouted.
"How can you even think that?" Sam demanded.
"This is not true, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c insisted.
Daniel smiled, though tears welled in his eyes. "Oh, it's more true than you're willing to admit, Teal'c. You wanted him back, and you got me instead. You want me to be him, and I'm not. It's not you guys' fault; it's mine. I'm not the Daniel Jackson you thought I was, and you don't feel the same way about me that you did about him. That's okay. That's normal, I guess. Or maybe, okay, well not really normal, because someone coming back from the dead a year later isn't exactly normal, but it's understandable." Daniel paused for a moment, and was met with nothing but stunned silence. "But see, the thing is... I still feel the same way he did. And I still..."
Daniel closed his eyes briefly, and when he opened them the tears were gone and his voice was calm again, but he'd stepped back into the corner once more. "I still love you guys as much as he did. And I'm okay with the fact that you don't, I really am, and I understand why. Because losing Janet, and almost losing you," Daniel stared Jack right in the eye. "I can't do that. I've been trying to pretend that it doesn't bother me, but it does, and now I know; now I understand why you don't feel the same way about me that you did about him. Because you lost him. And if you cared about him half as much as I care about the three of you, then I have no idea how you survived. I don't think I could."
"Daniel...," Jack began.
"No, Jack, don't you see? I'm telling you that I understand. I know why you don't care any more. And I'm trying really, really hard not to care either, because if I care, and I lose one of you... I couldn't do that. I've lost too many, but I thought it was over, and I let myself care again, and now we've lost Janet, and... I'm not strong enough to go through this again. And I know now that you can't either, and I finally understand that's why everything feels so different now."
Sam and Teal'c stood frozen in place, both of them shocked into silence by Daniel's words.
Jack's silence was filled with comprehension. He had pulled away from Daniel since he'd returned. He had pushed Daniel away to protect himself from the pain of losing him again. He had made Daniel feel like no one cared if he lived or died.
And now Jack understood exactly how it felt to be the one on the receiving end of the distance.
Daniel's voice was so calm - the pain he'd shown on his face had been pushed away and he seemed somehow peaceful now. He believed every word he was saying; that much was obvious. Everything about him was so detached, so matter-of-fact, so accepting. But right beneath the surface calm, they could see the despair that he was holding in, the pain that he was pushing down, the depth of emotion that he was refusing to share with them.
He honestly believed that they didn't want it.
Jack cleared his throat roughly and drew a harsh breath. "Carter, Teal'c - out." When they turned toward him in confusion, Jack jerked his head toward the door.
"This is between me and Daniel."
Both nodded silently and turned, walking out of the room without another word. Jack watched until they were gone, and then turned back to Daniel and exploded.