Stargate SG1: Where the Hell Were You? (5/5)
All disclaimers, notes, warnings and summary are in the Master post: Where the Hell Were You?
Part Four : Rebirth
"You selfish son of a bitch!"
Daniel closed his eyes and turned away, a look of pain etched deeply into his face.
"You think we don't care? You think you're the only one who feels anything? You think you're the only one needing reassurance that your pain still matters? God, Daniel, I nearly died!"
"I know," Daniel whispered, his voice heavy with tears that he refused to let fall.
"I woke up in the Infirmary, and they told me Janet was dead, and it hurt! God, Daniel, it hurt like hell. And I looked around for someone to grab onto, someone to talk to, someone to share the burden with me, and the one face I wanted to see wasn't there. Carter was there. Teal'c was there. You weren't there. Where were you? Where the hell were you?"
"I didn't think you..."
"Stop right there!" Jack raised his index finger and stepped forward. "You didn't think! You were so wrapped up in this little 'outsider' delusion of yours that you didn't think!"
"I just..."
"Do you know what I thought, when you weren't there? God, Daniel! Carter told me that Janet had been killed, and you weren't there when I woke up, and the last place I knew that you had been was with her!"
Daniel's eyes widened in shock and surprise. "You thought I...?"
"Yes!"
"Jack, I..."
Jack lifted his head slowly, and Daniel's voice faded away.
Jack looked at Daniel, at the pain and despair that he had forced himself to ignore, and he let himself feel it. Daniel hadn't meant any harm by pulling himself back - if anything, he'd meant to make things easier for everyone else. Since emotional detachment had seemed to become standard operating procedure for his friends, of course Daniel would have thought that it would make Janet's death easier for them if he stayed away from them.
Daniel hadn't been being selfish with his pain - he'd been protecting them from it.
*Yeah, right,* Jack thought. *I wonder who he learned that from.*
Jack knew that he had no right to be angry with Daniel for not being there for him. After all, where had Jack been these past few months? Where had Jack been when Daniel had needed him?
"Yeah, O'Neill," Jack whispered. "Where the hell were you?"
Daniel tipped his head to the side, and confusion and concern replaced some of the pain on his face. "Jack?"
When Jack spoke again, his voice was soft. "I know that this is what we do, Daniel. And I know that every time we go through that Gate there's a damn good chance that some of us might not be coming back. And I know that if I were to lose any of you... well, when I think about it now, I don't think I'd be able to get through it either."
Daniel opened his mouth to speak, but Jack raised a finger and cut him off. "No, let me finish." Daniel nodded, and Jack continued. "But the truth is, Daniel, I would get through it. I wouldn't want to. I'd want to just give up and be done with it all, because of how much that would hurt..." Jack blinked quickly and took a step closer to Daniel's corner. "But that wouldn't be fair to the ones who survive. And it wouldn't be fair to the ones who didn't."
Daniel stepped forward slowly out of the darkness.
"Someone asked me once why I was in such a hurry to die, when everyone around me wanted so badly to live."
Daniel nodded slowly and a small smile pulled at his lips. "Yeah, Daniel Jackson asked you that."
"Yes, he did," Jack answered with a nod. "And he was right. He asked me that, and when I thought about it - really thought about it - I realized that if I gave up, if I... if I laid down and died every time I lost someone I cared about, I'd be betraying everyone that was left."
Daniel let his head fall and closed his eyes and started backing toward the corner. "I really wish I could be him again," he whispered.
Jack took three quick steps forward, and grasped Daniel's arms in his hands, stopping him from hiding in the darkness again. "You are him," Jack insisted. "You are Daniel Jackson, and you are alive. And I've been an idiot, Daniel, because these past few months, I haven't realized that. When you were gone, when we... when I lost you, all I wanted was to have you back. And I got it. I got you back. But I was too..." Jack took a deep breath and forced himself to continue. "I was too scared to lose you again. And I pushed you away when I should have been pulling you in, and I hid from you when I should have been standing at your side, and I tried really, really hard to pretend that seeing you get hurt wasn't tearing me apart."
"I'm sorry...," Daniel began.
"It wasn't your fault, Daniel. None of it was your fault. It was mine. I didn't let you in and I should have. And you suffered it all alone, and you never said a word. You were tortured, for God's sake, and you didn't complain once about being alone."
"It really wasn't that bad, I guess. I mean, I lived through it, right?"
Jack could see the truth in Daniel's eyes, could see the pain that he tried to hide behind the words, could see the absolution Daniel was granting - Jack refused to accept it.
"You lived through hell, Daniel. And there's no one in this mountain that knows that better than I do. I've been where you were; I know how bad it was."
"You saved me," Daniel said with a slight shrug.
"I abandoned you."
Daniel seemed as shocked as Jack at the words, and the two men simply looked at each other. Both wanted to deny the truth in what Jack had said, but neither could.
Jack took a deep breath and continued. "I made you a promise once, a year and a half ago, that if you were ever in a situation like that I'd save you. I'd bust you out. I'd be there for you. And I'd make anyone who had hurt you pay, and that killing them wouldn't be enough."
"I don't... I don't remember that, Jack," Daniel said softly.
"I know you don't. But I do." Jack closed his eyes momentarily, but opened them before he spoke again. "I broke that promise, Daniel. I didn't make them pay - not nearly enough for what they did to you. And when all was said and done, I wasn't there for you. I wasn't there in Honduras. I wasn't there when the Kelownans were here, when I left you alone with the very same people who killed you and then tried to destroy your name. I wasn't even really there on Vis Uban, when you were lost and alone and confused and hurting and we were the only thing you had tying you to who you are. But I'm here now, and I'm going to stay here this time."
Daniel drew in a breath to speak, but Jack kept going.
"You're right, Daniel. What you said about me - you're right. I have been keeping you out. I haven't let you back in where you belong, because losing you once was hell, and losing you again... I thought it just might kill me next time. So no, I haven't been there when you needed me, and I haven't treated you the way I used to, and I have forced myself not to care about you as much as I did before."
Daniel stepped back and turned toward the corner again. "Because I'm not him any more."
"No, Daniel!" Jack grabbed Daniel's arms and spun him back to face him. "Because I'm a coward!"
"Jack..."
"When we found you, when I saw you, I just... I can't tell you how that felt. And we brought you home, and you were back where you belong, and you were starting to remember us and the way things had been... and then I started remembering things too. I remembered how much I had hurt you, and every little thing I had ever done wrong, and how much it had hurt me to lose you, and then you disappeared with Anubis' ship and I thought that maybe we'd lost you again already... and I got scared. So I..." Jack closed his eyes and gripped Daniel's arms tighter. "I kept you out to save myself, Daniel. I thought I couldn't go through that again, so I pushed you away. I made you feel like you don't belong here. I made you feel like you're not Daniel Jackson any more. And I did it because I'm a selfish son of a bitch."
Daniel looked up at Jack through the tears shining in his eyes. "But I understand. It's okay, Jack."
"No, Daniel, it's not okay. It's really not. And it took almost dying to make me realize just how far we are from where we should be right now."
Daniel tilted his head in confusion. "I don't understand."
Jack squeezed Daniel's arms tightly. "This is where you belong, Daniel. Out here, in the light, with the people that love you. Not in that damned corner. Right here, with me. With Carter. With Teal'c. It's gonna hurt, and at times it's gonna be damned hard, but we have got to get this back. I have got to get you back. For real this time."
The tears in Daniel's eyes started to quiver.
"We both might die tomorrow, Daniel, that's true. But that doesn't mean that we should let that ruin what we can do today. And what I absolutely cannot go through again, under any circumstances, is losing you without letting you know just how much you mean to me. I've done that once and I can't... no, I won't do it again."
Silence descended as the two men stood and simply looked at each other. Jack kept his hold on Daniel's arms, refusing to let him go into the darkness again. They would do this. There would be a lot of hurt to work through, and a lot of damage to repair, but Jack knew they could do it. He knew they would do it.
Because on the other side of that Pain lay a connection so deep and a friendship so perfect that it would be worth any price to achieve.
When Daniel spoke again, his voice was soft but still heavy with emotion. "But how... how do we do that, Jack? How do we let ourselves care when we know that it's going to hurt this damn much?"
"We just do," Jack answered simply. "Take it from me - it's harder not to."
Daniel closed his eyes and reached one hand around Jack's arms to rub his forehead. "And when it hurts too much to go on? What do we do then?"
"You don't do it alone," Sam answered softly from the door.
"You allow those around you to share your burden," Teal'c added.
Jack glanced across his shoulder at the two people standing in the door, and smiled at them. Then he turned back to Daniel. "You find the people you still have left, and you tell them you love them, and you don't waste a single minute."
Sam and Teal'c moved closer in the silence of the room. Jack watched Daniel for some sign that he believed them, that he forgave him, that he believed, as Jack did, that this would be worth the pain.
"You've been doing this alone your whole life, Daniel," Jack said softly. "You don't have to do it by yourself any more."
Daniel's eyes were still closed when he started talking again.
"I was right next to her, and I didn't even see it coming. I wasn't looking; I wasn't watching like I should have been. I heard the blast, and she screamed, and then she... she fell back, and her eyes were open, but she was... she was gone." Daniel opened his eyes and let the tears that he'd been holding back for three days run down his cheeks freely. "I just sat there and watched her die. I yelled for a medic, but there wasn't one, and I was all alone, and I couldn't help her, and I just sat there..." Daniel's voice broke, and he crumpled.
Jack pulled Daniel to him, almost crushing him against his chest. "It's all right, Daniel," Jack said softly. "We're here. You're not alone any more."
"We all lost her. And we're all hurting," Sam added as she wrapped her arms around Daniel from behind and rested her cheek against his back. "But it will get better. We'll make it get better."
Teal'c stepped up on Daniel's other side, and placed one hand on his shoulder. "We are each other's strength, and we shall carry each other through the pain."
"And on the other side, Danny," Jack whispered into Daniel's ear, "there's something amazing waiting. There's something there that the four of us have needed for a very, very long time."
"What's that?" Daniel asked through his tears.
"Us," Jack answered with a smile. "Just us."
~ fin ~
Part Four : Rebirth
"You selfish son of a bitch!"
Daniel closed his eyes and turned away, a look of pain etched deeply into his face.
"You think we don't care? You think you're the only one who feels anything? You think you're the only one needing reassurance that your pain still matters? God, Daniel, I nearly died!"
"I know," Daniel whispered, his voice heavy with tears that he refused to let fall.
"I woke up in the Infirmary, and they told me Janet was dead, and it hurt! God, Daniel, it hurt like hell. And I looked around for someone to grab onto, someone to talk to, someone to share the burden with me, and the one face I wanted to see wasn't there. Carter was there. Teal'c was there. You weren't there. Where were you? Where the hell were you?"
"I didn't think you..."
"Stop right there!" Jack raised his index finger and stepped forward. "You didn't think! You were so wrapped up in this little 'outsider' delusion of yours that you didn't think!"
"I just..."
"Do you know what I thought, when you weren't there? God, Daniel! Carter told me that Janet had been killed, and you weren't there when I woke up, and the last place I knew that you had been was with her!"
Daniel's eyes widened in shock and surprise. "You thought I...?"
"Yes!"
"Jack, I..."
Jack lifted his head slowly, and Daniel's voice faded away.
Jack looked at Daniel, at the pain and despair that he had forced himself to ignore, and he let himself feel it. Daniel hadn't meant any harm by pulling himself back - if anything, he'd meant to make things easier for everyone else. Since emotional detachment had seemed to become standard operating procedure for his friends, of course Daniel would have thought that it would make Janet's death easier for them if he stayed away from them.
Daniel hadn't been being selfish with his pain - he'd been protecting them from it.
*Yeah, right,* Jack thought. *I wonder who he learned that from.*
Jack knew that he had no right to be angry with Daniel for not being there for him. After all, where had Jack been these past few months? Where had Jack been when Daniel had needed him?
"Yeah, O'Neill," Jack whispered. "Where the hell were you?"
Daniel tipped his head to the side, and confusion and concern replaced some of the pain on his face. "Jack?"
When Jack spoke again, his voice was soft. "I know that this is what we do, Daniel. And I know that every time we go through that Gate there's a damn good chance that some of us might not be coming back. And I know that if I were to lose any of you... well, when I think about it now, I don't think I'd be able to get through it either."
Daniel opened his mouth to speak, but Jack raised a finger and cut him off. "No, let me finish." Daniel nodded, and Jack continued. "But the truth is, Daniel, I would get through it. I wouldn't want to. I'd want to just give up and be done with it all, because of how much that would hurt..." Jack blinked quickly and took a step closer to Daniel's corner. "But that wouldn't be fair to the ones who survive. And it wouldn't be fair to the ones who didn't."
Daniel stepped forward slowly out of the darkness.
"Someone asked me once why I was in such a hurry to die, when everyone around me wanted so badly to live."
Daniel nodded slowly and a small smile pulled at his lips. "Yeah, Daniel Jackson asked you that."
"Yes, he did," Jack answered with a nod. "And he was right. He asked me that, and when I thought about it - really thought about it - I realized that if I gave up, if I... if I laid down and died every time I lost someone I cared about, I'd be betraying everyone that was left."
Daniel let his head fall and closed his eyes and started backing toward the corner. "I really wish I could be him again," he whispered.
Jack took three quick steps forward, and grasped Daniel's arms in his hands, stopping him from hiding in the darkness again. "You are him," Jack insisted. "You are Daniel Jackson, and you are alive. And I've been an idiot, Daniel, because these past few months, I haven't realized that. When you were gone, when we... when I lost you, all I wanted was to have you back. And I got it. I got you back. But I was too..." Jack took a deep breath and forced himself to continue. "I was too scared to lose you again. And I pushed you away when I should have been pulling you in, and I hid from you when I should have been standing at your side, and I tried really, really hard to pretend that seeing you get hurt wasn't tearing me apart."
"I'm sorry...," Daniel began.
"It wasn't your fault, Daniel. None of it was your fault. It was mine. I didn't let you in and I should have. And you suffered it all alone, and you never said a word. You were tortured, for God's sake, and you didn't complain once about being alone."
"It really wasn't that bad, I guess. I mean, I lived through it, right?"
Jack could see the truth in Daniel's eyes, could see the pain that he tried to hide behind the words, could see the absolution Daniel was granting - Jack refused to accept it.
"You lived through hell, Daniel. And there's no one in this mountain that knows that better than I do. I've been where you were; I know how bad it was."
"You saved me," Daniel said with a slight shrug.
"I abandoned you."
Daniel seemed as shocked as Jack at the words, and the two men simply looked at each other. Both wanted to deny the truth in what Jack had said, but neither could.
Jack took a deep breath and continued. "I made you a promise once, a year and a half ago, that if you were ever in a situation like that I'd save you. I'd bust you out. I'd be there for you. And I'd make anyone who had hurt you pay, and that killing them wouldn't be enough."
"I don't... I don't remember that, Jack," Daniel said softly.
"I know you don't. But I do." Jack closed his eyes momentarily, but opened them before he spoke again. "I broke that promise, Daniel. I didn't make them pay - not nearly enough for what they did to you. And when all was said and done, I wasn't there for you. I wasn't there in Honduras. I wasn't there when the Kelownans were here, when I left you alone with the very same people who killed you and then tried to destroy your name. I wasn't even really there on Vis Uban, when you were lost and alone and confused and hurting and we were the only thing you had tying you to who you are. But I'm here now, and I'm going to stay here this time."
Daniel drew in a breath to speak, but Jack kept going.
"You're right, Daniel. What you said about me - you're right. I have been keeping you out. I haven't let you back in where you belong, because losing you once was hell, and losing you again... I thought it just might kill me next time. So no, I haven't been there when you needed me, and I haven't treated you the way I used to, and I have forced myself not to care about you as much as I did before."
Daniel stepped back and turned toward the corner again. "Because I'm not him any more."
"No, Daniel!" Jack grabbed Daniel's arms and spun him back to face him. "Because I'm a coward!"
"Jack..."
"When we found you, when I saw you, I just... I can't tell you how that felt. And we brought you home, and you were back where you belong, and you were starting to remember us and the way things had been... and then I started remembering things too. I remembered how much I had hurt you, and every little thing I had ever done wrong, and how much it had hurt me to lose you, and then you disappeared with Anubis' ship and I thought that maybe we'd lost you again already... and I got scared. So I..." Jack closed his eyes and gripped Daniel's arms tighter. "I kept you out to save myself, Daniel. I thought I couldn't go through that again, so I pushed you away. I made you feel like you don't belong here. I made you feel like you're not Daniel Jackson any more. And I did it because I'm a selfish son of a bitch."
Daniel looked up at Jack through the tears shining in his eyes. "But I understand. It's okay, Jack."
"No, Daniel, it's not okay. It's really not. And it took almost dying to make me realize just how far we are from where we should be right now."
Daniel tilted his head in confusion. "I don't understand."
Jack squeezed Daniel's arms tightly. "This is where you belong, Daniel. Out here, in the light, with the people that love you. Not in that damned corner. Right here, with me. With Carter. With Teal'c. It's gonna hurt, and at times it's gonna be damned hard, but we have got to get this back. I have got to get you back. For real this time."
The tears in Daniel's eyes started to quiver.
"We both might die tomorrow, Daniel, that's true. But that doesn't mean that we should let that ruin what we can do today. And what I absolutely cannot go through again, under any circumstances, is losing you without letting you know just how much you mean to me. I've done that once and I can't... no, I won't do it again."
Silence descended as the two men stood and simply looked at each other. Jack kept his hold on Daniel's arms, refusing to let him go into the darkness again. They would do this. There would be a lot of hurt to work through, and a lot of damage to repair, but Jack knew they could do it. He knew they would do it.
Because on the other side of that Pain lay a connection so deep and a friendship so perfect that it would be worth any price to achieve.
When Daniel spoke again, his voice was soft but still heavy with emotion. "But how... how do we do that, Jack? How do we let ourselves care when we know that it's going to hurt this damn much?"
"We just do," Jack answered simply. "Take it from me - it's harder not to."
Daniel closed his eyes and reached one hand around Jack's arms to rub his forehead. "And when it hurts too much to go on? What do we do then?"
"You don't do it alone," Sam answered softly from the door.
"You allow those around you to share your burden," Teal'c added.
Jack glanced across his shoulder at the two people standing in the door, and smiled at them. Then he turned back to Daniel. "You find the people you still have left, and you tell them you love them, and you don't waste a single minute."
Sam and Teal'c moved closer in the silence of the room. Jack watched Daniel for some sign that he believed them, that he forgave him, that he believed, as Jack did, that this would be worth the pain.
"You've been doing this alone your whole life, Daniel," Jack said softly. "You don't have to do it by yourself any more."
Daniel's eyes were still closed when he started talking again.
"I was right next to her, and I didn't even see it coming. I wasn't looking; I wasn't watching like I should have been. I heard the blast, and she screamed, and then she... she fell back, and her eyes were open, but she was... she was gone." Daniel opened his eyes and let the tears that he'd been holding back for three days run down his cheeks freely. "I just sat there and watched her die. I yelled for a medic, but there wasn't one, and I was all alone, and I couldn't help her, and I just sat there..." Daniel's voice broke, and he crumpled.
Jack pulled Daniel to him, almost crushing him against his chest. "It's all right, Daniel," Jack said softly. "We're here. You're not alone any more."
"We all lost her. And we're all hurting," Sam added as she wrapped her arms around Daniel from behind and rested her cheek against his back. "But it will get better. We'll make it get better."
Teal'c stepped up on Daniel's other side, and placed one hand on his shoulder. "We are each other's strength, and we shall carry each other through the pain."
"And on the other side, Danny," Jack whispered into Daniel's ear, "there's something amazing waiting. There's something there that the four of us have needed for a very, very long time."
"What's that?" Daniel asked through his tears.
"Us," Jack answered with a smile. "Just us."
~ fin ~