dawn is the time for writin'!

[briseur]

Finished Forster's "A Room with a View," during my overnight. Forster keeps saying the same thing in all his novels, but I can never get enough of it. The nuance in this one ends up reading something like

Comments

[talktooloose]

"in the putting"

Oh, it's not "pudding?" That never made sense anyway unless it's real hard to a good pudding and you need quality ingredients or something.

I admit to still not quite understanding your choices around removing women from your fantasy life. I wonder if it's even possible or if you are just moving the fantasy to the subconscious realm. But I would stress that I do not need to understand for it to be the right choice for you.

Gosh it was nice talking to you the other day.

I love you, my friend.

[nyahnyahnyah]

Agreeing with TTL's second statement (i.e. not understanding the choices). Honestly, I've long worried about this being a highly negative reverse objectification process. I can understand wanting to not have expectations of a partner, but if girls turn you on in general, and you force yourself to deny those urges, you're going to continue having negative feelings towards women, in forms either specific or ambiguous, conscious or subconscious. This bothers me a lot, and I've not known how / been afraid to bring it up with you in the past.

In general, seeing bits of both sides of this situation has left me unsettled deep down for quite a while. At the base it's none of my business, but I didn't want to continue being silent about my unease. I'm not sure what to say other than that, except that I'm not willing to turn this into a heated discussion of who or what is right or wrong. I want to assert that I consider myself to be friends with both you and Z. Does this bother you on any level?

[briseur]

It would of course be impossible to deny being turned on by women, but I think that continuing to get myself off only while thinking of them reinforces the notion that I am unworthy of them, that sexy equals female and that I am valueless. Gotta fuck myself more & imagine the attention of others less if I'm to break the conditioning. And, as I said to TTL, this is all aimed at getting myself to a place where I can have sex with women and not feel like my worth is contingent upon their affirming me sexually

[talktooloose]

I'm down with the subconcious fantasy thing. In fact the aim of all of this is to get me to a point at which I consider myself worthy of them & am more likely to exercise my sexual creativity, as I tend to do at the beginning of amours, rather than forget it, as I tend to do once I've started down the fear of earth-shattering rejection path.