Breathing Space - An X-Files Cancer Arc Fanmix/Picspam/Meta Part I
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"I know what you're afraid of, I'm afraid of the same thing."
Medium: Television
Fandom: The X-Files
A/N: To quote my friend Kera, “you only see XF in two ways: pre-cancer arc and post-cancer arc”. I believe that there are four key moments in the saga of Mulder and Scully where their relationship shifts, the major and most important one (IMO) being the diagnosis and near-death of Scully with a cancer given to her by the government. Of all X-Files plotlines, this one has to be my favorite, not just as a devoted fan of Scully, but as a tremendous shipper of Mulder/Scully and how her cancer defines their relationship for the rest of the coming seasons. The cancer arc is all about the unspoken feelings between these two platonic lovers. It’s about desperation, fear, and most of all, unconsummated desire. Most importantly, I feel that the cancer arc reaches deep down to the core of the series; the storyline becomes about so much more than just the mortality of Scully, but about Mulder's quest, the meaning of life, and the forces that prevent us from seeking the truths out of life we desire to know. In this mash-up of a fanmix, picspam, and meta, I will attempt to point out the very significant moments in the cancer arc plotline, showing how their relationship develops under the pressure and weight of their truths and how it changes them as people. The songs attached correspond with the respective episodes they come after. Some of them are more commonly associated with cancer arc (Flames, Human) and some are ones that I feel personally represent Mulder and Scully in unique ways (Tonight, Farewell Scenery). I hope you enjoy the first part of my cancer arc tribute <3
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"And here...we....go" -The Joker
I can’t be the only one who thinks that the introduction of Scully’s cancer is complete genius. It’s introduced very shockingly in that there wasn’t a whole episode developed around the discovery of her cancer, it comes at the end of an otherwise regular monster-of-the-week episode. However, the way it plays out is almost completely original. It feels understated, giving it that patent realism in the XF universe where the extraordinary takes on the tonality of an everyday occurrence. When Leonard Betts, a regenerative man who needs cancer to survive, looks at Scully and very calmly says ‘I’m sorry, but you’ve got something I need’, it’s almost a shock to the audience because it comes so abruptly. And the look on Scully’s face, a mixture of shock and horror, is what pulls the audience back the most. It’s something you never saw coming.
What I love is the end of the episode, Scully sitting in the car, this new knowledge just sinking in. She looks…broken. Not panicked or frightened, just broken. She looks at Mulder with this longing in her eyes, the kind of longing that only Gillian Anderson can make real and potent. It’s almost like she wants to tell him, but she doesn’t want to hurt him, shock him. It’s typical of Scully to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders. She’s notoriously repressive of emotion because she doesn’t want to appear vulnerable, but in this moment, it’s more than that. To tell him would make him worry, and she doesn’t want to hurt him.
Then of course, we have the first nosebleed as the end of our episode. Cue me crying because of the fabulously saddening yet premonitory Mark Snow score in the background. Can I just huggle her?
1. Angels on the Moon - Thriving Ivory {♫}
Don't tell me if I'm dying,
Cause I don't want to know,
If I can't see the sun,
Maybe should I go,
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming,
Of angels on the moon,
Where everyone you know,
Never leaves too soon.
Again, after this unpredictable intro to the cancer arc we’ve just had, you might expect the next episode to center around Scully being properly diagnosed. Instead, we get an entire episode that doesn’t even mention the cancer, but instead focuses on how disillusioned Scully is with her life. A lot of people have their reservations about Never Again, but I love it without abandon. It’s different. Though we have a talking tattoo as our ‘x-file’ in this episode, the real x-file is the emotions Scully is experiencing. We’ve never seen her so forthright, so cynical and lost. However, the funny thing is that it’s not out of her character. In a way, the audience should have expected it. Scully is too conflicted to remain so straight-laced for nine years. The Scully we see in Never Again is one that is reflecting on an entire life. Now that she is faced with her mortality, she sees almost how much her life is not her own. It is recognized that Scully, for all her seemingly dispassionate ways, she really can be as passionate as Mulder, and just as, if not sometimes more, enthusiastic about discovering ‘the truth’. However, while this episode is Scully-centric, it’s important to not forget the role Mulder plays in it. Though he’s only in it for a short time, their scenes together are some of the most important in their entire nine year relationship, ultimately because it shows that their love is not perfect. Their connection, while so unpenetrable and almost unbreakable, is flawed. Their differences, his selfishness, her lack of openness, it causes them problems. He forgets that his mission is her mission, and she can never say no to him, bringing in a kind of resentment that pronounces itself time to time. And in the last scene, as they sit there in silence, we know that their unspoken feelings, while real, are even more beautiful because they love each other so fully that they are willing to look past this human frailty, and love each other FOR these flaws.
This is a quiet little gem of a scene. I love that you can tell something about Scully is off as soon as the scene starts. As Mulder talks to man with a Russian accent about something or other x-filey, Scully merely stares off into space, not even paying attention. It's so unlike Scully to not put 100% into her work. And as Mulder continues, she wanders off to the Vietnam War Memorial. I asked myself 'why the Vietnam Memorial'? That has to be significant somehow. The shot where Scully's profile is reflected in the name says it all. I think Scully always saw herself dying a death that would feel more worthy of her efforts. Cancer is, for lack of a better word, anti-climactic. The very nature of death is something that scares her because it means the end of time. Ultimately, though she doesn't want to die, she believed her life would feel more honorable, to herself, and to Mulder. Like a soldier. But now, she feels lost in the sea of names, like her life no longer takes on a meaning because a future of value is being cut short. It's really amazing how existential Never Again is. The scene itself is very bleak. Despondently, she picks up a wilted flower petal, the motif of her own life throughout the episode.
I kinda love angsty, bitchy Scully. Scully is always a little on edge, prone to roll her eyes and generally dislike the stupidity of humanity, but we have never seen her seemingly rude and hostile. What I love is how it manifests itself in the form of Mulder not getting her a desk. It’s a sign of how she feel underappreciated, like she never really had a role in the X-Files; a sense that in a way, she never really belonged. It’s always been interesting to me how Scully does not necessarily care about The X-Files. Her place is science, and while The X-Files are interesting from this point-of-view, they are not her passion. What she cares about is Mulder. Now, faced with illness and a life in review, it’s as if her disillusionment is telling her that her life, in essence, was never really lived for herself. She has nothing to show for herself, nothing tangible, like a desk, to prove that she has earned worth in her workplace. Life means so much to her; she values experience so much that when faced with her mortality, she feels as though she has nothing to show for herself but an empty life controlled by men in a higher position.
This scene, in which Ed and Scully ~get to know one another~ is fascinating to me because we're not really used to seeing Scully be somewhat flirtatious. There's still something very reserved about her, but she's more open, less SPECIAL AGENT DANA SCULLY, FBI, if you know what I mean. It makes me wonder if this is the way she would always be if she hadn't become involved in The X-Files and developed a seemingly surrogate marriage with Mulder. Scully, as she's looking at the tattoos, is very yearning. She wants to be impulsive, maybe just for once. As a fairly controlled person, I think I can empathize with this feeling. Maybe it's as if life hasn't truly been lived if we haven't done something purely for the sake of doing it out of individual will.
This scene is just flat out amusing. Again, we see how Mulder has become the control figure in Scully's life. She isn't testy with him until he tells her that he knew what hotel she would be at. Maybe it's apart of the predictability of her nature or maybe it's, as Mulder phrases it, a sign that she won't abandon him. Either way, it urks her. I think she likes the power that Mulder presents, but at the same time she fears that this power can see right through her.
The date scene is very revealing. Scully does all the talking for me, really. All of life, she has craved people's authority over her, which makes sense for someone who values order and control in the world. Yet, she deals with an internal conflict that causes her to push the boundaries once in awhile when she feels the passion in her heart fading because it is as if her life is not really her own. It's why she is connected to Mulder; I think that she is attracted by his passion and she feeds indirectly off of it. But at the same time, on the surface, it's not a passion she shares.
Tattootiems, bashful face, post-sexytiems (lol yes I believe that they had sex). Yeah. Scully's sorta acting strange. And weirdly enough, I think the audience could see it coming for a good while. It's almost like you're just waiting for that barrier to break. And ladies and gentlemen, it does. It's not hysterical or insane, not outrageous. It's just out-of-the-norm. It's completely in-character while at the same time somewhat polarizing, coming from Scully. Credit goes to Gillian Anderson for managing to convey half of this all in her eyes and voice.
Scully's last line, Mulder's almost-response. They sit in silence. Two people who know each other so well, who seemingly can read each other's thoughts, now so emotionally distant. It's what makes the Mulder/Scully relationship the most beautiful of all ships. They are so interconnected, yet at the same time, their relationship is very flawed. He's selfish, she's emotionally repressed. They love each other so much that sometimes they just can't help but break apart because it's hard to resolve their feelings for each other with their personal desires. But eventually, we know their seesaw will level.
On an unrelated but interesting note, you guys do not know how much post-ep ~Mulder wants to see Scully's tattoo~ fic I've read. TOO MUCH, TOO MUCH.
2. Tonight - Stars {♫}
I try to speak, but you don't hear me
When you're gone you still feel near me
For a while, for a little while
I've tried telephones and old typewriters
Words of love along the wires
But nothing is working tonight
I've tried telegraphs, and birds that fly
Through air so still you hear me sigh
But nothing is working tonight
Tonight
Please, let's make it work tonight
3. Human - Civil Twilight {♫}
What is this I feel? Why is it so real?
What am I to say?
It's only love, it's only pain
It's only fear, that runs through my veins
It's all the things you can't explain
That make us human
Memento Mori is one of the most angsty episodes in all of the series. Just the meaning of the title, “remember you will die” carries the feeling of impending loss. For me, what is most beautiful about Memento Mori isn’t the fact that Scully and the loved ones around her have to come to terms with the fact that she may be dying, it’s that they all have this need to save her. What only adds to this loveliness is how the writers handle the idea of death. Scully fears death, most people do. However, she doesn’t fear it because it means she will cease to exist, she fears it because of the life it means she is losing out on, namely, a life without Mulder. I think that Scully has always been afraid to live. She was afraid of what it meant to lose people, to lose love. The idea that life ends at death terrifies her. From this, it is obvious as to why she is a struggling Catholic. I think she wants to believe that life is eternal; that love is forever. She clings to this with all of her faith, even if she can’t quite understand it or make sense of it scientifically. Memento Mori also taps into the overarching theme of hope that has made The X-Files such an optimistic piece of art, despite all of the debauchery and cruelty that takes place in the story. The idea of ‘not giving up’ seems like a tired and cliché moral to come out of a story, but The X-Files somehow reinvents it to fit this epic journey of two heroes who are searching for life’s meaning. Ultimately, accepting defeat will never give us comfort or happiness, but only leave us yearning for something we do not have: a reason to live. Mulder and Scully find their reason to live in each other. Memento Mori marks the beginning of how we see Mulder’s journey through the cancer arc storyline. No longer is cancer arc simply about the emotional plight of Scully, it is about Mulder taking action. Action is how Mulder expresses his love. We get hints of this in the abduction arc, but now is when we really recognize it. Both Mulder and Scully have trouble expressing feelings in words; they only know how to act out their emotions through touches, comfort, and investigation. Perhaps it is the highest form of love; the inability to express feelings through words; only through action. It is showing someone how much you love them rather than saying it. I feel like people use the word ‘love’ too lightly in this world. It loses meaning after awhile when we apply the word to simple feelings. But in the case of Mulder and Scully, love becomes so full and complete that it can’t be emoted through language.
One of the most heartbreaking scenes in all of XF universe, for me at least, is the scene in the oncology ward when Scully tells Mulder that she has a brain tumor which is virtually incurable and that she is going to die. For all the credit we give Gillian with the cancer arc, enough credit isn’t really given to David. His face when she tells him of her slim chances of survival is heartbreaking. The emotional provocation in his eyes is palpable. He is flabbergasted, yet confused at the same time. Meanwhile Scully, we just want to hug her. Gillian has this ability to make Scully’s face appear very stoic and calm, but in her eyes you can see the need to let herself go. We love Scully in this moment because we want to tell her ‘you don’t have to be strong’, but she is strong, and only for Mulder. I remember the first time I watched this scene with my mom, and she said something along the lines of 'SCULLY CRY, SCREAM, DO SOMETHING'. I think it's what we all want to yell at Scully because we recognize that the ones who hurt the most are often the ones who are the most unemotional. She says that 'statistically, there is about zero chance of survival'. Even her language is a coping mechanism, hiding behind rational vocabulary, mathematical and precise.
One of the more subtle moments in Memento Mori that I love is when Scully gets a bloody nose after running. Mulder looks at her, almost pityingly, saying with his eyes, ‘you don’t have to pretend like everything is okay’ but in typical Scully fashion, she doesn’t want to appear unfit for duty. Her work, her ability to take action is what defines her. When that is taken away from her, she almost feels useless to the world. Mostly, she just doesn’t want people to feel sorry for her. She retorts at Mulder ‘stop staring at me, I’m fine’. And we all know, especially Mulder, that she’s not.
Another important aspect of this episode is the relationship between Scully and Penny, a very short, yet very telling one. I think that seeing the pain, yet utter hope, in the eyes of Penny is what inspired Scully to not let the cancer take the best of her. Seeing herself in the dying face, Scully knew that life would not be stolen from her. She would not let it. The simple feeling of embracing life is what drives Scully. It's what drove her into the FBI in the first place.
Following her decision to receive treatment and try to take care of herself in the hospital, we get this gut-wrenching encounter between Scully and her mother. The writing in this scene is absolutely genius. Mrs. Scully is one of those characters that you just feel sorry for because everything that happens to Scully in turn affects her. In this moment, the writers and actors incorporate the death of Melissa as a factor of the grief and utter tragedy of Scully’s cancer. It’s another reminder of everything the search for the truth has cost the Scully family, of everything that has been taken away from them. When Mrs. Scully says, “you have always been the strong one, but you are my only daughter now”, it’s not the grief on her face that kills us, but the stoic look on Scully’s. Scully knows this, I think she acknowledges it more than anyone, but she will never speak the words. And here she remains, being the strong one again.
It's a part that kills me dead. Much of Memento Mori is about Mulder and his quest to discover the truth behind Scully's cancer, but the revelation that her eggs have been harvested, that she is now barren, is still startling to me. I think Mulder knew in that moment that Scully's life had been stolen from her. Even if she survived, there was a still a part of her life that ended.
How do you even describe this scene? It's a scene full of hope and beauty, and it goes back to the central theme of not giving up. Scully says she's not giving up "for her own reasons". It's kind of laced in subjectivity. Is Mulder the reason? Has she come to the realization that perhaps the answers her and Mulder both seek in life are the same? Has she found that her passion does lie in The X-Files? Maybe it's a little of all of these and more. The truth, no matter how hidden it is, is what they both seek, and only in continuing the journey to find it will she find solace. Comfort will not be found lying in a hospital, accepting defeat.
4. Flames - Vast {♫}
You are the only thing
that makes me want to live at all.
When I am with you
there's no reason to pretend that
when I am with you
I feel flames again.
Just put me inside you,
I would never ever leave.
5. Wait for Me - Flaw {♫}
Wait for me. There's so much more of life for us to see.
You must believe, it's not because of you I've had to leave.
Wait for me. I only hope that you'll remember me.
Just hold on a little bit longer.
Thoughts and memories will be enough,
my need for you is only getting stronger.
I know you don't understand it much,
but it doesn't mean I have to care about you any less.
It doesn't have a thing to do with that.
There's still so many questions that are gonna be addressed.
I'm sorry that it had to be like this,
but there's still time to make things right.
6. Farewell Scenery - From Dawn to Fall {♫}
Every step you make
throws me back,
kill the light and cut the wire.
Can't you see that this is our goodnight?
And I'm dying here.
Can't you see that this is our goodnight?
And I'm dying here this time.
This scene from Max is one of those scenes the writers tossed into the mix to tell us that they haven't forgotten Scully has cancer, but nonetheless, it is still affecting. Skinner nearly berates Scully for not taking care of herself. It's a major motif in the cancer arc that people keep telling Scully to stop pretending like nothing is wrong. Skinner does it, Bill Scully does it, Mulder does it, Mrs. Scully does it to some extent. It's almost as if through ignoring it, it no longer exists, it's no longing plaguing her. However, in ignoring it, she is not taking care of herself. But the audience knows that it has nothing to do with bravery. Scully is scared, utterly afraid of what dying means in the larger picture.
Amongst all cancer arc episodes, Elegy holds a somewhat special place in my heart because it drives home some of the more subtle themes. In very good continuity, it jumps off from where the nosebleed scene in Max left off. We have Scully unwilling to acknowledge her imminent death. But why? What exactly is she afraid off? More than this, how does Mulder feel? Do they feel the same? Elegy explores the aftermath of Memento Mori and how these characters have come to terms, in their own ways, with the illness.
Let's be superficial amongst this srs bisnis for a moment. HOLY HELL SCULLY MAY HAVE CANCER BUT SHE IS STILL FUCKING GORGEOUS.
LOL at how short she is. And how ugly Mulder's tie is. Okay enough of my nonsense.
Elegy largely focuses on Scully having a premonitory vision of a girl who is about to be murdered. She later learns that only people who are going to die soon experience such visions. This revelation is another reminder of how little time she has left; it makes the nature of her death very real for her. In her therapy session with Kosseff, she reveals that it is important to her to keep working, but at the same time, she isn't doing it because she feels like she owes it to Mulder. I believe her too. Half of her life sustenance is, as previously mentioned, the passion she receives from him. She even tells Kosseff that his passion is 'a source of strength for her', and we know that in her last days, she wants to discover as much truth as she can, feel alive as long as possible. More than that, it is as Kosseff says, her 'fear of failing him'. A part of her love for him is that deep down she knows he can't do it without her. Another sign of how Scully views her end of days is that we see her praying. We assume she does it every night, but seeing it for the first time is a reminder of how much she longs to believe that life goes on after death.
This scene that comes towards the end of Elegy has to rank as one of my favorites in the cancer arc plotline. For me, this scene is all about what’s NOT said, rather than what is said. I think it’s the moment where I realized the already-established concept that Scully isn’t afraid of death per se; she’s scared of not living. This concept, while confusing, makes sense when you see later episodes like Tithonus. Scully values everything life has to offer, from happiness to pain. Again, it’s a recall of her passion, how much life is simmering within her. When Mulder says to her ‘I know what you fear, I fear the same thing’, he’s not saying ‘we fear your death’, he’s saying ‘we both fear that we will not have each other anymore’. She doesn’t want to fail Mulder in anyway, and leaving him would be leaving him alone with his cause. Ultimately, they’re scared that their relationship will never be allowed to flourish properly. They are each other. When one of them leaves, the other cannot be whole. This isn’t to say that they are incomplete human beings dependent on each other for full characterization; that would be a disservice to their individual characteristics. What it means is that they are so united in their cause that each cannot make the journey without the other. Mulder is scared to lead that journey without his only ally; Scully is scared to leave him to the journey defenseless.
And in the last scene, we get the tears we were waiting for since Memento Mori.
7. Alright - Pilot Speed {♫}
The road ahead is lined with broken dreams,
so walk, yeah walk on by
And I failed to give you everything you need,
for the fears, behind your eyes
When I can't feel you,
I'm not alright, I'm not alright,
When I can't feel you,
I'm not alright, I'm not alright
When I can't feel you
(Part II will include part I when posted in a few days)
"I feel time like a heartbeat, the seconds pumping in my breast like a reckoning. The luminous mysteries that once seemed so distant and unreal, threatening clarity in the presence of a truth entertained not in youth, but only in it's passage. I feel these words as if their meaning were weight being lifted from me, knowing that you will read them and share my burden, as I have come to trust no other. That you should know my heart, look into it, finding there the memory and experience that belong to you, that are you, is a comfort to me now as I feel the tethers loose and the prospects darken for the continuance of a journey that began not so long ago, and which began again with a faith shakened and strengthened by your convictions, if not for which I might never have been so strong now. As I cross to face you and look at you incomplete, hoping that you will forgive me for not making the rest of the journey with you." - Scully, Memento Mori
Please comment if you take the zip file or if you read this; I worked hard to put all of this together and it's only common courtesy. Or hell, if you hated it, tell me why <3
Please let me know if any of the links don't work, etc. The cover art might not be attached to the song files; my computer was acting like an assfuck yesterday, but of course the art is included in the zip. Expect the next part in 3-5 days, and if you want, you can wait to d/l the complete fanmix then. Or if you're hungry bunnies, take part I now :)