Teaching Kate to Kiss
-- This is inspired by something that actually happened to someone I knew in middle school. Thankfully, I don't know that much about it, so I'm free to interpret as I please, which I probably would have done anyway. Enjoy. --
Kate
Kate stop
That was too much
Too much saliva
I felt like I was getting rinsed out
At the dentist's office
Okay
Don't cry
Please
Please don't cry
You can't be that sensitive
I agreed to help
Because you said if I did
That you would tell Mags
That I'm obsessed with her
Because I'm too nervous around her
Why am I nervous?
Because!
She's sooooo pretty!
She has, like, the prettiest shoes
I want to date a girl
Who has shoes that pretty
So she can wear them
When we go to the movies and stuff
Relax
Nobody ever comes in this closet
The janitors all leave at three
We're totally safe
Hey
Did you do the social studies homework?
Can I copy it from you?
Oh, don't be such a goodie goodie
Goodie goodies don't kiss good
Don't you know that?
Let's try again
. . . . .
Okay
Better
But less tongue
Don't be a whore
What?
That's how whores kiss
It's such a fact
What?
Where did you hear that?
Mags does not use tongue
What?
She did not!
She did not kiss Bobby Yannowin
She would NEVER
Bobby Yannowin is, like, a gargoyle
He's like a troll
A really gross troll
And he has braces
She totally would not kiss him
Who told you?
Oh my God
I'm devastated
Totally devastated
No
I can't
I can't keep going
I have to find her
I have to find her so she can tell me
That it's all a lie
Or I'll defame her
In the middle of the hallway
Tomorrow before homeroom
I've liked her
For like
Weeks now
How could she?
Okay
Don't cry
I'm sorry
We can try again
Fine
I mean
My heart won't be in it
But I guess that doesn't matter
. . . . .
A little bit better
But don't touch my face
Or anyone's face
Not when you're kissing
You want your hands
By your side
The whole time
It's just a rule, Kate
It's how it is
What?
Don't talk to me about graduation
I'm going to be so devastated
Like really devastated
I don't do well with goodbyes
I'm like my mother
She says we both have
Abandonment issues
Because of my Dad leaving
I mean
He didn't really leave
As much as he was thrown out
But he didn't put up much of a fight
Huh?
Oh sorry
Yeah
Um
Your breath is...
I mean
It could be better
Just make sure you have mints
Or something
When you kiss Krake
Huh?
That's what I call him
I don't call him by his first name
Because we're like
Really close
Like brothers
We look alike
I mean
We're both really built
And we talk about lifting weights sometimes
Because we both like to do that
Krake is, like, amazing
He's like my brother
I love him
Like a brother
So yeah
Kissing
Let's do that again
. . . . .
Okay
Let's try something
Imagine that I'm Krake
Imagine that I'm gorgeous
Like, amazing gorgeous
Like I'm the coolest guy in the world
That would only bestow his love
Onto you, Kate
And that's why he's kissing you
So pretend I'm Krake
And I'll do that too
I mean
I'll pretend you're Mags
Even though I kind of hate her now
Okay?
Good
Here we go
Kate
Kate stop
That was too much
Too much saliva
I felt like I was getting rinsed out
At the dentist's office
Okay
Don't cry
Please
Please don't cry
You can't be that sensitive
I agreed to help
Because you said if I did
That you would tell Mags
That I'm obsessed with her
Because I'm too nervous around her
Why am I nervous?
Because!
She's sooooo pretty!
She has, like, the prettiest shoes
I want to date a girl
Who has shoes that pretty
So she can wear them
When we go to the movies and stuff
Relax
Nobody ever comes in this closet
The janitors all leave at three
We're totally safe
Hey
Did you do the social studies homework?
Can I copy it from you?
Oh, don't be such a goodie goodie
Goodie goodies don't kiss good
Don't you know that?
Let's try again
. . . . .
Okay
Better
But less tongue
Don't be a whore
What?
That's how whores kiss
It's such a fact
What?
Where did you hear that?
Mags does not use tongue
What?
She did not!
She did not kiss Bobby Yannowin
She would NEVER
Bobby Yannowin is, like, a gargoyle
He's like a troll
A really gross troll
And he has braces
She totally would not kiss him
Who told you?
Oh my God
I'm devastated
Totally devastated
No
I can't
I can't keep going
I have to find her
I have to find her so she can tell me
That it's all a lie
Or I'll defame her
In the middle of the hallway
Tomorrow before homeroom
I've liked her
For like
Weeks now
How could she?
Okay
Don't cry
I'm sorry
We can try again
Fine
I mean
My heart won't be in it
But I guess that doesn't matter
. . . . .
A little bit better
But don't touch my face
Or anyone's face
Not when you're kissing
You want your hands
By your side
The whole time
It's just a rule, Kate
It's how it is
What?
Don't talk to me about graduation
I'm going to be so devastated
Like really devastated
I don't do well with goodbyes
I'm like my mother
She says we both have
Abandonment issues
Because of my Dad leaving
I mean
He didn't really leave
As much as he was thrown out
But he didn't put up much of a fight
Huh?
Oh sorry
Yeah
Um
Your breath is...
I mean
It could be better
Just make sure you have mints
Or something
When you kiss Krake
Huh?
That's what I call him
I don't call him by his first name
Because we're like
Really close
Like brothers
We look alike
I mean
We're both really built
And we talk about lifting weights sometimes
Because we both like to do that
Krake is, like, amazing
He's like my brother
I love him
Like a brother
So yeah
Kissing
Let's do that again
. . . . .
Okay
Let's try something
Imagine that I'm Krake
Imagine that I'm gorgeous
Like, amazing gorgeous
Like I'm the coolest guy in the world
That would only bestow his love
Onto you, Kate
And that's why he's kissing you
So pretend I'm Krake
And I'll do that too
I mean
I'll pretend you're Mags
Even though I kind of hate her now
Okay?
Good
Here we go