It's a Wonderful Mess
-- Something I've noticed about theater...A show could be absolutely amazing and there will always be somebody working on it who says "This is a disaster." By the same token, there are even more people who work on disasters and think everything's swell just because they're having a great time. So I guess it all evens out. I wanted to see what a full-fledged CBQ (Catty Bitchy Queen, check out my blog, people) could say about a movie that is, in my opinion, perfect. --
"It's a Wonderful Mess"
Oh my God
Marie, have you seen it?
No, but have you SEEN it?
Have you SEEEEEEEEN it?
It is
Oh my God
Marie
It's atrocious
First off
Depressing?
I wanted to shoot myself
And everyone in the theater
I nearly walked out
When Uncle what's-his-name
Lost the money
I was like
Okay
Why doesn't Jimmy Stewart
Just take a sawed-off shotgun
And do what the rest of us
Have been wanting him to do
For the past hour
Oh, and all the narration
Who does narration anymore?
Seriously
I mean seriously
Marie
Seriously
All the angels talking to each other
I felt like I was listening
To Burl Ives and Cole Porter
Having phone sex
And everyone's all
'Ohhhh Frank Capra is a genius'
He's a perv is what he is
I heard him and what's-her-name
Who played the streetwalker
Used to go at it behind the Bedford Falls sign
In between takes
And he used to make her a ring bell
Every time she--
Well, it's TRUE, Marie!
Marie
It is true
Marie
MARIE
It IS
That girl got her wings twice a day
That's all I'm saying
Oh God
And Donna Reed
I felt like saying
What's the matter?
You couldn't get a stuffed pepper
To play this part?
A mop?
A sock with buttons sewn on it?
I kept waiting for somebody to give her CPR
And revive the performance
'Oh George, not in front of the children.'
Half the theater broke out laughing
I'm not joking, Marie
We were cracking up
She sounded like she was asking him
To put the seat down
'Oh George, where were you raised?'
Part of me was a little disappointed
When she didn't drown in the pool
Wearing her prom dress
And by the way
This was during a World War, right?
How come more of them didn't die?
Why tease us with the prospect
Of killing off that many annoying people
Only to have them all survive?
And them having all those kids?
Who would ever believe
That anyone
Would want to have sex
With either Jimmy Stewart
Or Donna Sockpuppet Reed
That many times
Let alone with each other
Now, if they had cast Ava Gardner
And William Holden
Then they'd have had a movie
OH MY GOD
THE ENDING
CAN WE TALK
ABOUT
THE ENDING!
All those people throwing money on the table
I had lost my train of thought towards the end
And I thought that George Bailey
Suddenly opened a gin joint
Finally, I thought
A sensible idea
'No man is poor who has friends'
Oh yeah
A drunk uncle
A brother who never calls
A hooker
A bunch of hobos
And a mammy
You don't get much richer than that, Marie
Now...Lionel
Lionel is a dear dear friend
A dear DEAR friend, Marie
He's who I got all the dish from
Apparently
And now, I'm just--
Relax, Marie
This is coming from a source
Remember that
Apparently
Jimmy Stewart
Got so drunk
That when he did the tell-off scene
You know--
'Anyway, my FATHER didn't think so!'
He kept forgetting the line
And he'd panic
So he'd say--
'Anyway, blow me Mr. Potter!'
And Frank Capra would scream
They'd have to start over
Lionel would try hitting Jimmy with his cane
Jimmy would take another swig of whatever he was drinking
And Frank would go back behind the Bedford Falls sign
Make Violet's bell ring
THAT WAS HER NAME!
VIOLET!
God
That would have driven me crazy
Anyway
The whole thing is a mess
It's never going to sell
Everybody I went with hated it
I'm serious, Marie
I am a very good judge of movies
"It's a Wonderful Mess"
Oh my God
Marie, have you seen it?
No, but have you SEEN it?
Have you SEEEEEEEEN it?
It is
Oh my God
Marie
It's atrocious
First off
Depressing?
I wanted to shoot myself
And everyone in the theater
I nearly walked out
When Uncle what's-his-name
Lost the money
I was like
Okay
Why doesn't Jimmy Stewart
Just take a sawed-off shotgun
And do what the rest of us
Have been wanting him to do
For the past hour
Oh, and all the narration
Who does narration anymore?
Seriously
I mean seriously
Marie
Seriously
All the angels talking to each other
I felt like I was listening
To Burl Ives and Cole Porter
Having phone sex
And everyone's all
'Ohhhh Frank Capra is a genius'
He's a perv is what he is
I heard him and what's-her-name
Who played the streetwalker
Used to go at it behind the Bedford Falls sign
In between takes
And he used to make her a ring bell
Every time she--
Well, it's TRUE, Marie!
Marie
It is true
Marie
MARIE
It IS
That girl got her wings twice a day
That's all I'm saying
Oh God
And Donna Reed
I felt like saying
What's the matter?
You couldn't get a stuffed pepper
To play this part?
A mop?
A sock with buttons sewn on it?
I kept waiting for somebody to give her CPR
And revive the performance
'Oh George, not in front of the children.'
Half the theater broke out laughing
I'm not joking, Marie
We were cracking up
She sounded like she was asking him
To put the seat down
'Oh George, where were you raised?'
Part of me was a little disappointed
When she didn't drown in the pool
Wearing her prom dress
And by the way
This was during a World War, right?
How come more of them didn't die?
Why tease us with the prospect
Of killing off that many annoying people
Only to have them all survive?
And them having all those kids?
Who would ever believe
That anyone
Would want to have sex
With either Jimmy Stewart
Or Donna Sockpuppet Reed
That many times
Let alone with each other
Now, if they had cast Ava Gardner
And William Holden
Then they'd have had a movie
OH MY GOD
THE ENDING
CAN WE TALK
ABOUT
THE ENDING!
All those people throwing money on the table
I had lost my train of thought towards the end
And I thought that George Bailey
Suddenly opened a gin joint
Finally, I thought
A sensible idea
'No man is poor who has friends'
Oh yeah
A drunk uncle
A brother who never calls
A hooker
A bunch of hobos
And a mammy
You don't get much richer than that, Marie
Now...Lionel
Lionel is a dear dear friend
A dear DEAR friend, Marie
He's who I got all the dish from
Apparently
And now, I'm just--
Relax, Marie
This is coming from a source
Remember that
Apparently
Jimmy Stewart
Got so drunk
That when he did the tell-off scene
You know--
'Anyway, my FATHER didn't think so!'
He kept forgetting the line
And he'd panic
So he'd say--
'Anyway, blow me Mr. Potter!'
And Frank Capra would scream
They'd have to start over
Lionel would try hitting Jimmy with his cane
Jimmy would take another swig of whatever he was drinking
And Frank would go back behind the Bedford Falls sign
Make Violet's bell ring
THAT WAS HER NAME!
VIOLET!
God
That would have driven me crazy
Anyway
The whole thing is a mess
It's never going to sell
Everybody I went with hated it
I'm serious, Marie
I am a very good judge of movies