Dear diary...
There must be something wrong with me.
I believe I am the kind of person who could have everything they want : I am rather pretty, nice, I am talented, and I try to keep my head level - the hardest part being to not underestimate myself. This is hardest because although I have good cards in my hand, I don't know how to play them. I don't even know if I want to play them. But I will have to, sooner or later. Why cannot I bring myself to do it now ?
I also believe that I am the kind of person who should have blossomed into a gorgeous flower already, if only I had not gone through what I went through. But I know I am also very weak: some people have gone through worse times than I have, some people are still fighting to keep their head up, cool and out of the waters. And I... why, I just cannot bring myself to do anything of me, when in fact I am a lucky one. I have not gained any force or confidence from my past. And the present time has become difficult to grasp, or even to discern. I am in stasis.
What kind of beauty does he see in me ? Does he see all these buds of talents I cannot open up yet ? He told me he wanted me to shine. He told me he knew I could shine. Why can't his trust be like the sun and the dew to me ? Why can't they feed my heart and my will ? Perhaps because the very soil they are rooted into is frozen, unyielding, unfriendly, impermeable.
Yet. Yet.
A year ago, I had managed to grab this meager will of mine.
A year ago, I had begun to move, I had begun to open up, I discovered new worlds that had always been around me.
A year ago, I had started on the path of my personal blazing up.
A year ago, I went in, I met him, I got him, and ever since then I let myself cool down, drifting in the river of cocoon-like love. I forgot everything else: it was all like another world, a mirage.
And then the sun went away. The only dew were my tears. I realized he had taken all the space, had been the rallying center of all my desires. Not that that in itself was a bad thing, but when he went away, all in me collapsed. I tried to maintain the pieces together by turning our relationship into a makeshift love, a one-sided reality. And just as I was suffering too much to bear anymore, just as I was beginning to push the thoughts of him away and try to gather up my wits... there he comes in again.
Now, I just cannot welcome him like before. If he has to be my sun again, I need to make sure that everything I have will not revolve around him, that I will not be pulled in. If he has to be my sun again, I will have to just let him watch over me, feed me with love and trust. And be my own self. Not just an entity that envelops him.
I need a few days of thinking and doing. I will gather the pieces and re-become me.
He is not a core piece of my puzzle. He is a whole other puzzle that I can click with.
Let my dreams and desires become my core -- they can regenerate and live on, even when reality is dead broken. Reality should never be my core. Let my dreams come true, make them real, so I can dream of more, open up more, shine so much more. Let me bloom thanks to this renewed earth, this indestructible heart.
But before all that, I need to acknowledge that they are not nonsense, not just silly dreams.
I need to acknowledge that I do not need to do something stable. I do not have to follow smooth paths. Well, I guess I am not very good at that anyway. I have to acknowledge that my desires are possibles -- possible realities.
They have existed for other people. They can exist for me.
I can make it. I can make it into that world.
I can make it big !
Let me make it big!
I believe I am the kind of person who could have everything they want : I am rather pretty, nice, I am talented, and I try to keep my head level - the hardest part being to not underestimate myself. This is hardest because although I have good cards in my hand, I don't know how to play them. I don't even know if I want to play them. But I will have to, sooner or later. Why cannot I bring myself to do it now ?
I also believe that I am the kind of person who should have blossomed into a gorgeous flower already, if only I had not gone through what I went through. But I know I am also very weak: some people have gone through worse times than I have, some people are still fighting to keep their head up, cool and out of the waters. And I... why, I just cannot bring myself to do anything of me, when in fact I am a lucky one. I have not gained any force or confidence from my past. And the present time has become difficult to grasp, or even to discern. I am in stasis.
What kind of beauty does he see in me ? Does he see all these buds of talents I cannot open up yet ? He told me he wanted me to shine. He told me he knew I could shine. Why can't his trust be like the sun and the dew to me ? Why can't they feed my heart and my will ? Perhaps because the very soil they are rooted into is frozen, unyielding, unfriendly, impermeable.
Yet. Yet.
A year ago, I had managed to grab this meager will of mine.
A year ago, I had begun to move, I had begun to open up, I discovered new worlds that had always been around me.
A year ago, I had started on the path of my personal blazing up.
A year ago, I went in, I met him, I got him, and ever since then I let myself cool down, drifting in the river of cocoon-like love. I forgot everything else: it was all like another world, a mirage.
And then the sun went away. The only dew were my tears. I realized he had taken all the space, had been the rallying center of all my desires. Not that that in itself was a bad thing, but when he went away, all in me collapsed. I tried to maintain the pieces together by turning our relationship into a makeshift love, a one-sided reality. And just as I was suffering too much to bear anymore, just as I was beginning to push the thoughts of him away and try to gather up my wits... there he comes in again.
Now, I just cannot welcome him like before. If he has to be my sun again, I need to make sure that everything I have will not revolve around him, that I will not be pulled in. If he has to be my sun again, I will have to just let him watch over me, feed me with love and trust. And be my own self. Not just an entity that envelops him.
I need a few days of thinking and doing. I will gather the pieces and re-become me.
He is not a core piece of my puzzle. He is a whole other puzzle that I can click with.
Let my dreams and desires become my core -- they can regenerate and live on, even when reality is dead broken. Reality should never be my core. Let my dreams come true, make them real, so I can dream of more, open up more, shine so much more. Let me bloom thanks to this renewed earth, this indestructible heart.
But before all that, I need to acknowledge that they are not nonsense, not just silly dreams.
I need to acknowledge that I do not need to do something stable. I do not have to follow smooth paths. Well, I guess I am not very good at that anyway. I have to acknowledge that my desires are possibles -- possible realities.
They have existed for other people. They can exist for me.
I can make it. I can make it into that world.
I can make it big !
Let me make it big!