(no subject)
So here I am, after a weekend of complete ups and downs. I can't tell the difference from the wall and the floor right now. My emotions are in a fucking twist right now. I will recommend one thing to y'all, don't go searching for answers to questions you don't want answered, and have a 9 hour drive alone afterwards.
My weekend, where do I even begin? Do I start with how I felt before I left? Do I start with when I arrived in State College? Do I just try and forget the majority of this weekend, and just put a smile on my face? That would be no fun, so I guess the beginning is where I start.
I woke up Friday morning at 4:30. Of course I went back to sleep before work, but I had energy like I have not had in quite a while. I was excited that Friday was the day to leave. I had talked to Heather the night before. She had to work Friday night, so she was going to drive to Cleveland on Saturday. I talked to Andy (friend from YNP) about meeting up with him in downtown Cleveland to have some drinks Friday night. The only problem was that if there was bad weather in Pennsylvania, I was going to drive to Heather, and bring her to the concert, as she HATES winter driving.
After a short day at work, I trotted (almost ran, but that includes heavy exercise) back to my father's house, and called Heather right away. Turns out there was supposed to be freezing rain and snow on Saturday, and she didn't want to drive in it, so I decided to drive to her. Now this is good news and bad news for me. Long drives (I put 1600 miles on the rental car), alot of alone time (my fucking head is filled with multiple ideas, and I'm crazy), more time with Heather. The only bad thing, was Heather told me ten seconds before I left, that she had been with someone else, and she was "seeing" him. I felt my entire insides disappear. I knew it was going to happen eventually, but why tell me so close to the drive?
After my father rented the car, I drove to Kalamazoo to spend some gift cards, pick up another present for Heather, and get ready for the long haul ahead of me. I was expecting to be in State College around 11 or 12. I bought the new Elton John's greatest hits album, it's wonderful. Anyways, I'm driving the drive, thinking it's going to be bad weather, and no fun, yet it's just the opposite. It's quite clear out, I've got loud music (everything from tool to Elton, to Eminem), and plenty of red bull.
The drive over wasn't bad at all. I spent most of the time singing as loud as I could. I didn't want to think about all the drama that was about to happen this weekend. I didn't want to think about Heather's new friend. I don't like the way my mind thinks lately, I can't control it, and I feel like my mind is a (god this is tacky) mind of it's own. Occasionally I'd find myself upset, thinking about how hard it was going to be. Overall, the drive went quickly.
I ended up arriving around 10pm. I remembered how to get to Heather's house, and where the parking garage was. It was alot easier the second time around to find Heather. I told her I was going to meet her in the bar below her apartment that night. I walked in, borrowed someone's cell phone, gave her a ring, expecting to get her voicemail. She answered the phone, turned out she was already home. I was very surprised. She came down and let me in, and we went upstairs to her apartment.
For weeks I've been worried about the first moment we saw each other again. Both of us have been up and down with how we felt about each other. When she walked downstairs, it was like she never even left YNP the first time for me. There she was, in all her beauty, like a glow coming off of her. Her smile made me melt. I can't explain why I felt this way. I tried to be strong though, I didn't want to be an emotional freak this weekend. I didn't want to make things uncomfortable. I was scared, an unusual feeling.
She came up to me, gave me a hug, and we went upstairs. She had to finish getting ready. Turns out after she turned 21, she hadn't gone to any bars in her college town, just at her hometown. So we decided to go out. We started at the Sport's Cafe. We drank and drank and talked at the Cafe. I was still trying to be cold, and not grab ahold of her. I wanted so bad to just grab her, tell her I loved her, and that everything would be ok, but I know her, and I know our situation, so I tried not to be "weak."
We then went to a more "artsy" bar. We talked more. There was alot of talking. I guess we had alot to catch up on. There wasn't anything else in the world going on, besides our conversations. It was a sensation I enjoyed to the most. How do you describe a feeling that just is? They don't have words for the way I felt at the bars with Heather. After the "artsy" bar, we went to a gay bar. I'm not afraid of gay bars at all, I actually rather enjoy them. Noone is acting macho in there, and most guys there don't hit on me. Yay. We sat and talked to a couple of guys about politics, school politics mostly, and shared different drinks. On the way out of the bar, we kissed each other. Now this wasn't a So and So kissed the other, or vice versa, it was a moment shared by the both of us. Do you remember the first kiss you shared with someone new? If it was a good kiss, then you could feel it all through your body. I sound like such a fucking girl.
When we got back to the apartment, the two of us were fairly drunk. We were talking on the futon. It was a nice feeling to hold her in my arms again. No sexual activities, just holding her. Then her voicemail reminder rings, and guess who left her a message? None other than Warren. Her reaction echoed in my head all night, she got giggly, and called him right back and said "Sorry, my friend is still here, I'll get ahold of you Sunday ok?" It wasn't the words that she said, but the way she said it, and how I felt about the situation. Jealousy definitely kicked in. I know now how she felt about what I did. I felt so angry, so jealous, so upset, that I had to get a breath of fresh air.
Now here is where I made a silly mistake. I walked out of her apartment without the keys. Now I did that last time, and was locked out, but got in. This time, I wasn't thinking about that. I was thinking about getting my baggage, and to get some time away to cool off. Well it was freezing rain outside, and the door locked directly after I walked out. I spent about 3 hours walking around town, looking for cell phones to call Heather. I called about 8 times in that time, and she never answered. I guess she passed out drunk, or so she said. I spent the night in the car, in the cold cold car.
It was a long night of waking up every half hour to turn the car back on to turn the heat on. Then waking up to turn it off. Found the best way to sleep in a Chrysler Sebring, sit bitch in the back seat, with your feet up through the seats. It was ok, not what I was expecting, but still ok.
I woke up over and over again all night, and I finally got up to go check on the door at 9am. I'll write about Saturday either a little later, or tomorrow.
Long reading in there, and it's only 1/3 of it.
Chuckie
My weekend, where do I even begin? Do I start with how I felt before I left? Do I start with when I arrived in State College? Do I just try and forget the majority of this weekend, and just put a smile on my face? That would be no fun, so I guess the beginning is where I start.
I woke up Friday morning at 4:30. Of course I went back to sleep before work, but I had energy like I have not had in quite a while. I was excited that Friday was the day to leave. I had talked to Heather the night before. She had to work Friday night, so she was going to drive to Cleveland on Saturday. I talked to Andy (friend from YNP) about meeting up with him in downtown Cleveland to have some drinks Friday night. The only problem was that if there was bad weather in Pennsylvania, I was going to drive to Heather, and bring her to the concert, as she HATES winter driving.
After a short day at work, I trotted (almost ran, but that includes heavy exercise) back to my father's house, and called Heather right away. Turns out there was supposed to be freezing rain and snow on Saturday, and she didn't want to drive in it, so I decided to drive to her. Now this is good news and bad news for me. Long drives (I put 1600 miles on the rental car), alot of alone time (my fucking head is filled with multiple ideas, and I'm crazy), more time with Heather. The only bad thing, was Heather told me ten seconds before I left, that she had been with someone else, and she was "seeing" him. I felt my entire insides disappear. I knew it was going to happen eventually, but why tell me so close to the drive?
After my father rented the car, I drove to Kalamazoo to spend some gift cards, pick up another present for Heather, and get ready for the long haul ahead of me. I was expecting to be in State College around 11 or 12. I bought the new Elton John's greatest hits album, it's wonderful. Anyways, I'm driving the drive, thinking it's going to be bad weather, and no fun, yet it's just the opposite. It's quite clear out, I've got loud music (everything from tool to Elton, to Eminem), and plenty of red bull.
The drive over wasn't bad at all. I spent most of the time singing as loud as I could. I didn't want to think about all the drama that was about to happen this weekend. I didn't want to think about Heather's new friend. I don't like the way my mind thinks lately, I can't control it, and I feel like my mind is a (god this is tacky) mind of it's own. Occasionally I'd find myself upset, thinking about how hard it was going to be. Overall, the drive went quickly.
I ended up arriving around 10pm. I remembered how to get to Heather's house, and where the parking garage was. It was alot easier the second time around to find Heather. I told her I was going to meet her in the bar below her apartment that night. I walked in, borrowed someone's cell phone, gave her a ring, expecting to get her voicemail. She answered the phone, turned out she was already home. I was very surprised. She came down and let me in, and we went upstairs to her apartment.
For weeks I've been worried about the first moment we saw each other again. Both of us have been up and down with how we felt about each other. When she walked downstairs, it was like she never even left YNP the first time for me. There she was, in all her beauty, like a glow coming off of her. Her smile made me melt. I can't explain why I felt this way. I tried to be strong though, I didn't want to be an emotional freak this weekend. I didn't want to make things uncomfortable. I was scared, an unusual feeling.
She came up to me, gave me a hug, and we went upstairs. She had to finish getting ready. Turns out after she turned 21, she hadn't gone to any bars in her college town, just at her hometown. So we decided to go out. We started at the Sport's Cafe. We drank and drank and talked at the Cafe. I was still trying to be cold, and not grab ahold of her. I wanted so bad to just grab her, tell her I loved her, and that everything would be ok, but I know her, and I know our situation, so I tried not to be "weak."
We then went to a more "artsy" bar. We talked more. There was alot of talking. I guess we had alot to catch up on. There wasn't anything else in the world going on, besides our conversations. It was a sensation I enjoyed to the most. How do you describe a feeling that just is? They don't have words for the way I felt at the bars with Heather. After the "artsy" bar, we went to a gay bar. I'm not afraid of gay bars at all, I actually rather enjoy them. Noone is acting macho in there, and most guys there don't hit on me. Yay. We sat and talked to a couple of guys about politics, school politics mostly, and shared different drinks. On the way out of the bar, we kissed each other. Now this wasn't a So and So kissed the other, or vice versa, it was a moment shared by the both of us. Do you remember the first kiss you shared with someone new? If it was a good kiss, then you could feel it all through your body. I sound like such a fucking girl.
When we got back to the apartment, the two of us were fairly drunk. We were talking on the futon. It was a nice feeling to hold her in my arms again. No sexual activities, just holding her. Then her voicemail reminder rings, and guess who left her a message? None other than Warren. Her reaction echoed in my head all night, she got giggly, and called him right back and said "Sorry, my friend is still here, I'll get ahold of you Sunday ok?" It wasn't the words that she said, but the way she said it, and how I felt about the situation. Jealousy definitely kicked in. I know now how she felt about what I did. I felt so angry, so jealous, so upset, that I had to get a breath of fresh air.
Now here is where I made a silly mistake. I walked out of her apartment without the keys. Now I did that last time, and was locked out, but got in. This time, I wasn't thinking about that. I was thinking about getting my baggage, and to get some time away to cool off. Well it was freezing rain outside, and the door locked directly after I walked out. I spent about 3 hours walking around town, looking for cell phones to call Heather. I called about 8 times in that time, and she never answered. I guess she passed out drunk, or so she said. I spent the night in the car, in the cold cold car.
It was a long night of waking up every half hour to turn the car back on to turn the heat on. Then waking up to turn it off. Found the best way to sleep in a Chrysler Sebring, sit bitch in the back seat, with your feet up through the seats. It was ok, not what I was expecting, but still ok.
I woke up over and over again all night, and I finally got up to go check on the door at 9am. I'll write about Saturday either a little later, or tomorrow.
Long reading in there, and it's only 1/3 of it.
Chuckie