Fic: The Way It Was Always Meant To Be (Part One)
Title: The Way It Was Always Meant To Be
Author: Brokaw22
Disclaimer: The norms
Rating: T
Story Synopsis: Leo follows Raph into the woods, only to discover he knows less about his brother than he thought.
Raph keeps sneaking out…okay, well, Leo has to admit that it’s not really sneaking out. He just walks out of the front door and disappears into the woods for hours at a time. No one knows where he goes or what he does out there, but it happens frequently enough that it has Leo on edge. He has asked Raph about the seemingly random treks into the woods a few times, but the answer is always the same. It’s always just a curt, “out,” or an annoyed, “solo training.” He usually doesn’t even give Leonardo the courtesy of pausing or turning when he speaks. Instead, he just keeps walking towards the door.
None of the others bother asking what Raphael has been doing, and they don’t seem particularly worried. After all, there’s no reason to be, Raph always comes back with less tension and sometimes there’s even a small smile on his face. Whatever he’s doing in the forest is making him happy -- and it might just be solo training, like he says, though Leo’s not really sure what that entails for Raph. Back home, it would mean going out with Casey, racing around the rooftops of New York City, or punching something or someone until Raphael is exhausted. Leo guesses that the last one might still be true, but Raph’s knuckles haven’t shown any signs of bruising or worse lately. However, that might just mean that he’s actually being cautious, though Leo severely doubts it.
Truthfully, Leonardo knows that he should just let it go, give Raph his alone time, and stop worrying so much, but he can’t help it…not after everything that has happened to them since they’ve been at the farmhouse. He knows it’s mostly just his paranoia, but Raph has already been taken once while out in the forest, and Leo would rather not endure that experience again. If Raphael catches him following him into the woods, then that’s exactly what Leo intends to tell him. He knows he shouldn’t be doing this. The two of them have been getting along great since Leo woke up, and this might just be the thing that drives them back into fighting constantly, but Leonardo doesn’t know any other way to abate his curiosity and paranoia.
He crouches low on a tree branch high above Raphael, watching the other turtle’s progression into the woods, and ignoring the small twinge in his bad knee. Leo isn’t completely healed yet, but at least he’s able to climb and run without too many issues. Raph appears calm, walking at a relaxed pace, and Leo feels foolish. It only just now occurs to him that it’s possible Raph just enjoys taking leisurely walks through the trees, though four hour walks seem excessive, even for Raph.
It would make sense; however, Raphael never liked being stuck in the sewers. He always complained about how confining it was, and the moment they were allowed topside, Raph spent as much time as he could on the surface. Ever since Leonardo awoke, Raph has taken to being out in the woods the best out of all of them. He seems to genuinely enjoy being out in the forest, blending in, and sneaking up on Donatello and Michelangelo from a tree or bush during training. Leo wonders what the adjustment period is going to be like once they return to New York. He’s sure that Raph’s temper will soar once they’re back and trapped underground all day long again, and he definitely doesn’t look forward to it.
Leonardo can’t help but wonder if that means that his new found camaraderie with Raph will dissipate as well once they return. He doesn’t want to give this up, if he doesn’t have to, but he also knows both of them well enough to know that this particular change in attitude is too sudden and mostly likely due to various variables; such as being away from New York and the sewers, the ability to move freely out here during daylight hours, Leo’s injury, and possibly even Master Splinter’s absence. Leo doesn’t like to think about their missing father too often, but he can’t ignore the possibility that their father’s departure is a key factor in Raphael’s attitude adjustment. It hurts to think that the only thing they needed to mellow Raph out was a change in scenery and a missing sensei.
The two of them have been getting along better than they have in years, and there’s a part of Leo that fears that it’s only because Raph sees him as weak and broken since he’s been hurt. Still, he won’t deny how much Raphael’s support and encouragement has meant to him while he’s been slowly rebuilding his strength. Heck, Raph is half of the reason that Leo’s been doing as well as he has since he regained consciousness. His brother has been there every step of the way, making sure Leonardo doesn’t overdo it, pushing him when he needs it, and generally being even more of a crutch than the piece of wood Donnie fashioned for him.
Leo’s thoughts tapper off as he watches Raph enter a small clearing, glance around, and then sit down. His brother sits in a lotus position and appears to be meditating, but that makes absolutely no sense. Raphael has never been a fan of meditation. In fact, he used to mock Leo fairly frequently for his tendency to spend so many hours doing just that. It’s not something that Leo thought he would ever find Raph doing of his own violation, but, more importantly, Leo doesn’t understand why Raph would feel the need to venture so far out into the woods just to meditate.
Surely, Raphael could have found a quiet place closer to the farmhouse, but then Leo reconsiders his thoughts on the matter. The truth is, between Donnie and Casey constantly working in the barn/lab, Mikey running all over the house with Ice Cream Kitty -- making an unparalleled amount noise -- or playing with his chickens outside, and April and Leo spending the majority of their time in the kitchen or in front of the television, this probably is the only place that Raph could find true peace and quiet. It’s a little sad, really, and it almost makes him feel as if they’ve somehow managed to push Raphael away without really meaning to. Leonardo knows that Raph likes his seclusion, and that he always has, but Leo never meant to make Raph feel as if the only way to have time to himself was to leave.
The thought makes Leo realize exactly how much of Raph’s time he’s been taking up lately. After all, if he isn’t training with all of them, Raph spends a good portion of his time playing video games with Leo, or helping him stretch out his bad leg, or just generally watching over him. Raph doesn’t even spend that much time with Casey anymore, since his best friend has been spending most of his free time with Donnie or April. The thought makes Leonardo’s gut twist with guilt, and he wonders if Raph has been giving up time he would normally spend by himself or with the others just to take care of Leo.
He’s about to turn back towards the farmhouse and leave Raph to his…whatever this is -- Leo still doubts that Raphael is meditating -- but before he gets the chance he sees something rather large and dark moving towards his brother from the other side of the clearing. Leo jumps to another branch, trying desperately to get there first, and knowing that there is no possible way that he can. He grabs onto the branch he was aiming for, clinging desperately to the tree, as he glances down to see a rather large deer meandering over toward his brother, and Leo breathes out a heavy sigh of relief. He climbs back up onto the branch and crouches again, watching in astonishment as Raph begins petting the deer. “Hey, buddy, I didn’t think you were gonna show.”
Leo blinks rapidly as he listens to Raph speak to the deer as though it’s his friend. He guesses he should have seen this coming. After all, Raphael always did have a weird sort of friendship with all of the pigeons in New York, and he used to speak to Spike, so it’s only logical to think that Raph would become attached to the wildlife here. Leonardo decides to sit down, relax, and observe this little meeting. After all, it might give him some good blackmail material later.
The deer lies down and Raph immediately starts massaging between its shoulder blades as he continues speaking to the animal. “It’s been a crazy few days. Leo seems to be doing better, and Casey and Donnie are getting along pretty well. They’re spending so much time together that I’m startin’ to wonder if they even remember there are other people around, ya know? It’s good, though. I get to spend more time out here. Mikey and his stupid cat are just as annoying as ever. They sing when they’re cooking and Ice Creak Kitty gets everything sticky. April keeps complaining when Ice Cream Kitty gets ice cream in her hair, but we all know she thinks that cat is adorable.”
Raph takes a deep breath and releases it slowly. Leo can tell that whatever he’s going to say next isn’t something that Raph would ever willingly allow anyone else to overhear. He’s starting to wonder if staying was really such a good idea, after all. He’s intruding on his brother’s only chance to really vent without the consequences that come from venting to his family. However, for whatever reason, Leonardo can’t make himself leave. “I still miss Master Splinter, but I guess we’re doing okay without him…better than I thought we would, anyway. I don’t really know how the others are dealing with that. Donnie and April don’t talk about him much. It’s like they think that if they just forget about him, then it won’t hurt as much. I don’t know. Mikey talks about him sometimes, but I don’t think he’s accepted that Splinter is gone. He constantly keeps talking like we’re gonna go back to New York and Splinter will be there waiting for us. I wish he would just grow up, and, at the same time, I really hope he doesn’t. I guess he still hopes that Splinter isn’t dead, though I don’t know how there can be any doubt after what we saw.”
Leo listens intently to every word that Raph is saying. His brother hasn’t spoken to any of them about his feelings on the matter, and Leo honestly doesn’t have the nerve to ask. He doesn’t want to disrupt the delicate balance they’ve attained, so he hasn’t even tried. It makes him feel like a terrible brother, but Leo just can’t help it that almost all of his conversations with Raph end in an argument…or at least they used it. He doesn’t have the stomach to test if that particular aspect of their relationship would return if he pushed Raph into opening up more. However, Leo knows that it’s probably inevitable.
Raph sighs dejectedly as he continues petting the deer lying beside him. “As for Leo? Well, I don’t think he really believes Splinter’s gone either, but he wasn’t there…he didn’t have to witness that fight with Shredder, and…and sometimes I’m so damn relieved that he wasn’t. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I was freaked when I saw him crash through that window, but he didn’t have to watch Splinter get cut down by Shredder, and then thrown down a drain pipe. I still have nightmares about it…about both Splinter’s fight with Shredder and Leo crashing through that window, and I’m sure the others do too. ”
Leo shudders at the thought. He hates himself for not being there for his brothers and his father, but secretly he’s grateful that he didn’t have to witness that either. No one has given him the full details of what happened. They just told him that Splinter lost and Shredder tossed him down a drain pipe, but he can tell from their haunted expressions that it was a lot more than that. However, he’s been too afraid to press for more information. “It’s okay, though.” Raph’s voice draws Leo’s attention back to the ground once more. “Leo will get better and he’ll lead us through this, like he always does.” Leo can’t help but smile at the confidence in Raph’s voice, especially since, for awhile there, Leonardo wondered if he was ever going to heal enough to walk properly…not to mention lead them.
Raphael clears his throat as he drops his hands away from the deer. “So, where are the others, huh? I’ve got a treat for you guys.” The deer stands and starts scraping his hoof across the ground. The sound is abnormally loud in the otherwise empty clearing, but it only last for a few seconds, and then seemingly out of nowhere four more deer enter the clearing.
Raph gets to his feet and brushes off the grass and dirt from the back of his legs. “There you guys are. Took ya long enough.” He reaches into his belt, specifically into the pouch where they normally keep their ninja smoke bombs, and pulls out what looks like a couple bunches of grapes. Leo smiles to himself. At least that explains why their fruit supply has been disappearing so rapidly. “Hope you guys like ‘em. I read somewhere that vineyard managers have been trying different techniques to keep deer from eating all of their grapes, so I thought you might enjoy these. Man, I’ve gotta be careful that the guys never catch me reading that stuff. They’d never let me live it down.”
Leo doesn’t really know how to even process the new information. As far as he knows, Raph really only reads fighting, boxing, matrial arts, motorcycle, or car magazines. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen Raphael pick up an actual book and he’s certainly never seen Raphael act interested in anything pertaining to animals or vineyards. Leonardo is practically itching to run back to the farmhouse and ransack every room until he finds anything and everything Raph may have read just so he can learn more about his brother. He wonders if Raphael had an odd book collection hidden somewhere in the lair that no one knew about…well, no one except Spike. Leo’s sure that if Raph had any real secrets, then Spike knew about them, which puts him even more on edge every time they come up against Slash, but that’s not something Leonardo really wants to think about right now.
He shakes his head and focuses on watching Raph feed the small group of deer that have gathered around him. Leo doesn’t understand Raphael’s strange affinity to animals or how he has apparently trained both the pigeons back home and the deer here, but he can’t deny that the habit has been useful in the past…bizarre, but handy. He sighs quietly to himself and decides to head back to the farmhouse before Raph realizes he’s been stalking him this entire time. Leo gets to his feet, intent on leaving Raph to his woodland creature adventure for the second time, but, unfortunately, things don’t always go Leo’s way. Just as he spins toward another branch, his leg cramps up from apparently overexerting himself, and he ends up slipping off of the branch he’s standing on.
The breath leaves him in a terrified shout as his feet slip away from the rough tree branch and Leonardo realizes that there’s nothing to grab onto. He stares vacantly at ground rushing towards him, knowing that there is nothing he can do to avoid the inevitable pain of connecting with the ground. However, the pain never comes, because instead, seemingly out of nowhere, there are suddenly strong arms wrapping around him and turning him so that it isn’t Leo’s shell that hits the ground with an audible thud that nearly gets drowned out by a very distinctive pained grunt. “What are ya doin’, Leo? You’re damn lucky I caught ya in time. Besides, didn’t we already have a talk about you putting yourself inta situations that end with me catchin’ ya midair?”
Leo laughs nervously as he slowly gets to his feet, noticing that all of the noise has made the deer scatter back into the forest. He’s sure that Raph’s going to stop caring about the fall and start caring about the reason Leonardo was in that tree in the first place sooner rather than later, and Leo knows this is it. This is the end of their amicability and harmony. They’re going to go right back to constantly bickering, and arguing, and never getting along, and it’s entirely his fault. If he just left well enough alone and allowed his brother this one thing, then maybe they wouldn’t be on the verge of quarrelling all over again. He messes everything up with Raph every time, and Leo surmises he should have realized that this time would be no different.
Abruptly, Raph is in his face, and Leo is just waiting for the yelling, the lividness, and possibly even the punch to the jaw that will signify the end to their gregariousness and the beginning of their tired old tune of constant strife. “Yo, you okay? Didn’t hit your head or nothing, did ya?” Raph doesn’t wait for Leo’s answer before grabbing him and looking him over. “Knew I should a tucked better, sorry about that, anyway, ya don’t look too good. Come on, bro; let’s get ya back to the farmhouse.” Raphael grabs Leo’s arm and throws it over his shoulder, forcing Leonardo to lean a fair portion of his weight onto him. “How bad is your leg botherin’ ya?” Leo doesn’t answer, so Raph nudges him the best he can while forcibly shouldering most of Leo’s weight. “Come on, talk to me, bro.”
“You’re…you’re not mad?” Leo doesn’t actually mean to say that, but the words just kind of tumble out with his astonishment.
Raph actually pauses their forward progression towards the farmhouse to stare at him incredulously. “What are you talkin’ about? Why would I be mad at ya for fallin’ out of a tree? At least ya didn’t do it while we were tryin’ to save the others, like a certain genius brother of ours.”
Leonardo shakes his head. “No, I mean, because I was following you.”
Raph shrugs, obviously trying not to jostle Leo too much, before he readjusts his grip on Leo’s arm and starts walking again. “Eh, it was inevitable.”
Leonardo is honestly confused by how utterly resigned and, more importantly, serene Raph sounds. “What do you mean it was inevitable?”
Raphael huffs out a laugh. “You’ve been antsy for days. I’m actually surprised you didn’t follow me out here sooner. I know you’ve been dying to find out what I’ve been up to for weeks now, so I knew it was only a matter of time before you followed me and mocked me, so let’s hear it, Fearless.”
“I…Raph, I have no intention of mocking you.” Leo would like to claim to be appalled that Raphael would think such a thing, but Leo knows himself and the rest of his brothers well enough to know that if the situation was just a little different, then he’d be doing exactly that, especially since that’s part of the reason he stayed as long as he did in the first place.
“Now, there’s something I don’t believe. You guys always gave me a hard time when you found me talking to Spike, and I know you were never really a fan of the pigeons, so…”
“They carry diseases, Raph.” Leo doesn’t even mean to interrupt, but he’s always disliked the way his brother handles those birds, and this is hardly the first time he’s expressed that particular opinion.
“We grew up in a sewer, and I’m tellin’ ya, Leo, humans carry way more diseases than those pigeons, and you don’t have a problem with Casey or April.”
Leo smiles with ease at their casual squabble as he shakes his head. “It’s really not the same.”
“Sure, it’s not.” Raph rolls his eyes, but there’s still a small smirk on his lips. It’s an old argument, and one that Leo doesn’t really mind having again. “Let’s just get ya back to the farmhouse and ice your knee.”
Leo really can’t protest against that plan, especially when his knee is throbbing the way it is. He really shouldn’t have stayed in a crouched position for so long, but he doesn’t actually regret following Raph into the woods. “Hey, Raph, how come you never talk to us about the stuff that you talk to your animal friends about?” Leo doesn’t really know why he’s asking. After all, he’s certain that he’s lucky they’re still getting along as well as they are. He really shouldn’t be pushing it, but he desperately wants to know what the wildlife has that they don’t. Leonardo honestly just wants to understand why Raph trusts a bunch of animals with things that he’s never trusted his family with. It just seems so…heartbreaking, or maybe Leo’s knee pain has just finally gotten to him, he’s not really sure.
Raphael shrugs again, evidently uncomfortable with the subject matter, but not enough to just get angry and walk away, which Leo is eternally grateful for at the moment. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s because the animals don’t care. They don’t talk back. They don’t get upset with what I have to say. They can’t get hurt by my words. I guess, in a way, they get me, or, at least, they don’t misunderstand me.”
“And we…we don’t get you, right? We misunderstand you and get hurt or upset by your words, right?” Leo can’t believe that it’s taken him this long to finally comprehend that Raph always meant it when he said that they didn’t understand him. He always thought it was just Raph being melodramatic when he was really furious, but it’s obvious now that Raphael really has always felt this way…that they make him feel this way, and not just in the heat of the moment.
“It’s stupid. Just forget it, Leo, and do me a favor and don’t tell the others what ya saw today.”
Leo is taken aback by what he would call a plea from either of his other brothers, but Raph doesn’t beg, or plead, or even really ask for things. He usually just demands and threatens, so Leo doesn’t really know how to respond to this kind of candidness from his most reticent brother. He knows that he’s already pushed his luck as much as he possibly can, so Leo just nods. “Yeah, sure, whatever you say, Raph.” Leo isn’t sure how this is going to affect their relationship, but he’s not naïve enough to believe that it won’t. In fact, he’s certain that this entire conversation will alter their recently attained amity more than Leo’s spying ever could have. It’s that realization that has Leo speaking again. No matter what he says or does, he’s certain that their new found closeness with deteriorate, so he might as well try his best to make Raphael understand his position. “You know we love you, right? And you can come to any of us about anything, especially me, okay?”
Raph gives him a tiny half smirk as they continue shuffling through the woods. “Aw, don’t go gettin’ all mushy on me now. We’ve still got a fairly long hike ahead of us.”
“I mean it, Raph. We really do love you and you can talk to us.” Leo is about to continue, but he stops to think about everything he has learned today and everything he’s always known about Raphael. It only takes a moment for him to formulate a rather dark notion that never really occurred to him before. “But I guess sometimes love isn’t enough, is it?”
Raph rolls his eyes again. “Are ya tellin’ me you’re seriously jealous of some animals? They’re just deer.”
It’s a type of deflection that Leo is all too familiar with from Raphael. He doesn’t want to start a real fight by continue to push Raph, but Leo feels as if the two of them are on the cusp of something, and it feels like something dire…maybe even a crucial part of Raph, which is probably the only reason Leo hasn’t allowed the two of them to fall into their usual uncomfortable silence. “I’m sorry, you know, you really should be able to come to us about these things.”
“Leo, I said it’s fine. Now, drop it.” There’s a hard tone to Raph’s voice, and Leo knows that if he doesn’t just shut up and keep limping along, then this conversation will quickly turn into a screaming match, but he doesn’t want to drop it. He doesn’t want Raphael to continue seeing his family as a bunch of people who he needs to protect himself from, because, quite frankly, Leo is tired of being seen as merely a single step above an enemy or, worse, an unwanted acquaintance.
Leonardo just wishes he had realized how much of himself Raphael keeps hidden from them sooner, but there’s nothing he can do about his past mistakes. All he can do now is attempt to make Raph see that it doesn’t need to be this way. “We’re your family, Raph.”
Raph glances over to him with a rather perplexed expression. “Yeah, no kidding. I’m pretty sure the green skin, three fingers, and shells gave it away, but thanks for the information, Leo.”
Leonardo breathes out a heavy sigh. “I’m serious. You can trust us.”
Raph stops dead in his tracks, and Leo steadies himself, certain that Raphael is going to fling Leo’s arm away from him and push him down to the ground, but Raph doesn’t do any of that. In fact, Raphael doesn’t even move. It’s like he’s frozen in place for a good long moment, and then he turns to Leo, eyes wide in distress. “Who said I don’t trust you guys? I’ve always watched your backs in a fight. I know I don’t always get there in time, and I screwed up that time that you went awol and Mikey ended up hurt, and that time that you got captured by Karai, and the whole Spider Bytes thing, but…”
“Whoa, whoa, calm down.” Leonardo does his best to give Raph a hug without accidently toppling them both over and mostly succeeds. He never realized how much those incidents bothered Raphael after the fact, but it seems as though Leo is learning a great many things about his most surly brother today. “I wasn’t referring to our fights, Raph. We all know you’d do anything to protect us.”
“Well, then what the heck is your point, Fearless?” Raph looks as though he wants nothing more than to push Leo away, even if it’s just to stop the physical contact, but he refrains, which almost makes Leo sigh in relief. He’s not really sure he can stand on his bad leg right now, and certainly not if it was to happen as suddenly and violently as Raphael normally moves.
“You should be able to trust us enough to converse with us about your inner thoughts. You shouldn’t have to go run off to middle of nowhere, and you shouldn’t have to hide from us. We’re not your enemies. We’re not going to hurt you.” The frustration is mounting, and Leo can tell that it’s only a matter of time before they end up in the inevitable brawl, but he desperately needs Raphael to understand that all he wants is to be closer to him, and not just because Raph feels bad about his injuries. “I want to understand you, Raphael. I want to know you.”
“We’ve spent our entire lives together, Leo. You do know me.”
“No, I don’t…not really.” Leonardo heaves a large sigh. He’s sure that what he’s about to say is only going to lead to a punch to the face, but the compulsion to keep going is too great to stop now. “You know, I used to think that the only one who really knew you was Spike, and now I know I was right. He was the only one you ever let see the real you. I just don’t know why.”
Raph clenches his hands into fits and Leo can see how much he’s trying to control himself by the slight tremor running through his taunt muscles. “That’s not true!”
“Yes, it is. You know, after Spike got mutated, I was hoping that you would finally come to us…that you would finally trust us enough to actually talk to us, but you didn’t. You just pretended like everything was fine, and then you hid in your room when you couldn’t pretend anymore. Eventually, you started venturing out into the sewers and even went topside when it got really bad.”
“Yeah, I know. I was there, Fearless. Can we please just keep moving?”
Leo shakes his head and prepares himself for whatever this might bring. “No, I’m not done yet. Your anger was so out of control, and I just kept thinking that ultimately you wouldn’t have a choice anymore…sooner or later you would have to pick one of us, but you never did. Then you met Casey, and the two of you spent so much time together that I was certain that you had to be going to him with all of the things that you keep from us, but it was evident from watching you two around the lair and when we went topside that you didn’t. I knew that you trained the pigeons, but I never guessed that you talked to them the way you did Spike, though I guess I should have. But how satisfying can it really be to talk to pigeons?”
“Would you just get over the pigeons? They’re fine, Leo.”
Leonardo rolls his eyes and wonders when Raph is going to stop trying to deflect the conversation. Clearly, Leo has no intention of allowing this conversation to get derailed, although he guesses Raphael wouldn’t be Raph if he didn’t keep trying. After all, his brother’s stubbornness is just as much a part of him as his shell. “My point is, now you have the deer, and I just don’t get it. I don’t get why you would rather converse with animals than your own brothers. I don’t get why you don’t trust us. I just…I just want to know what we ever did to make you think you couldn’t come to us.”
Leo is waiting for the eruption…the anger that always rears its ugly head when they get too close to the real Raphael, and it’s that thought that makes Leo want to smack himself. He honestly can’t believe that it’s taken him this long to realize that one of Raph’s major issues is that he uses the anger to blanket himself from them, and not just from himself. Leo always thought that Raph’s rage arose at times like this, because Raphael didn’t want to feel any other emotion. However, it only just occurs to him now that Raph utilizes his rage to keep his distance from them. However, Leonardo still doesn’t understand why.
Raph just shakes his head and grits his teeth. “I’m done talkin’. Now get a move on before I leave ya here.” He starts walking, practically dragging Leo with him, and Leo has no choice. He has to hobble along at speed or he’ll end up harming his good leg. He’s panting after only a short while. After all, the pace would be brisk even if Leo wasn’t injured. As it stands, he barely has enough breath to keep from getting lightheaded…not to mention talking. As much as Leo knows that Raphael is truly livid now, he also knows that the speed is both punishment and a way to keep Leonardo from continuing their conversation. It doesn’t stop him from trying, however.
“Come on, Raph, just answer my one question and I’ll leave you alone.” He puffs out a heavy breath between almost every word, but Leo’s sure that Raph understands him.
“No, you won’t. You never do. You never let anything go. Heck, it’s how I knew you were going to end up following me out here. You can’t let anything go. It’s not part of your nature.”
Leo can’t really argue with that. He’s never really been good at letting things go or ignoring something that didn’t feel right, but this is different. This is Raph, his brother, and he should be able to give Raphael this one thing. Still, Leonardo knows that even if he managed to convince Raph of his sincerity and did intend to actually let this be, eventually his curiosity and fear would get the better of him…eventually he would force Raph into another confrontation, like always. It seems that’s just the way their relationship is meant to be. The two of them constantly getting into confrontation after confrontation, and Leo surmises that he should just be grateful for the small amount of time he’s gotten with his brother where the two of them actually got along, because he doubts that he’s going to see another bout of solidarity from Raphael for quite some time after this.
“I just want to understand you.”
“I’m serious, Leo, drop it!” Raph’s grip on Leo’s arm tightens to the point that Leo actually winces in pain, but they both ignore it.
Leonardo knows that there’s no point to continuing with the argument. It won’t yield any results and he’s already angered Raph enough for today, so they continue making their way back to the farmhouse in complete silence. When they finally get back to the farmhouse, Raphael dumps Leo on the couch and goes straight to the kitchen, and Leo nearly jumps when he returns seconds later with an icepack. Leonardo takes it from him with a small nod of thanks, and then Raph disappears out of the front door once again. Leo sighs heavily as he places the icepack on his knee, and then stares off into space. He messes everything up with Raphael every time. He just wishes he knew why.
Author: Brokaw22
Disclaimer: The norms
Rating: T
Story Synopsis: Leo follows Raph into the woods, only to discover he knows less about his brother than he thought.
Raph keeps sneaking out…okay, well, Leo has to admit that it’s not really sneaking out. He just walks out of the front door and disappears into the woods for hours at a time. No one knows where he goes or what he does out there, but it happens frequently enough that it has Leo on edge. He has asked Raph about the seemingly random treks into the woods a few times, but the answer is always the same. It’s always just a curt, “out,” or an annoyed, “solo training.” He usually doesn’t even give Leonardo the courtesy of pausing or turning when he speaks. Instead, he just keeps walking towards the door.
None of the others bother asking what Raphael has been doing, and they don’t seem particularly worried. After all, there’s no reason to be, Raph always comes back with less tension and sometimes there’s even a small smile on his face. Whatever he’s doing in the forest is making him happy -- and it might just be solo training, like he says, though Leo’s not really sure what that entails for Raph. Back home, it would mean going out with Casey, racing around the rooftops of New York City, or punching something or someone until Raphael is exhausted. Leo guesses that the last one might still be true, but Raph’s knuckles haven’t shown any signs of bruising or worse lately. However, that might just mean that he’s actually being cautious, though Leo severely doubts it.
Truthfully, Leonardo knows that he should just let it go, give Raph his alone time, and stop worrying so much, but he can’t help it…not after everything that has happened to them since they’ve been at the farmhouse. He knows it’s mostly just his paranoia, but Raph has already been taken once while out in the forest, and Leo would rather not endure that experience again. If Raphael catches him following him into the woods, then that’s exactly what Leo intends to tell him. He knows he shouldn’t be doing this. The two of them have been getting along great since Leo woke up, and this might just be the thing that drives them back into fighting constantly, but Leonardo doesn’t know any other way to abate his curiosity and paranoia.
He crouches low on a tree branch high above Raphael, watching the other turtle’s progression into the woods, and ignoring the small twinge in his bad knee. Leo isn’t completely healed yet, but at least he’s able to climb and run without too many issues. Raph appears calm, walking at a relaxed pace, and Leo feels foolish. It only just now occurs to him that it’s possible Raph just enjoys taking leisurely walks through the trees, though four hour walks seem excessive, even for Raph.
It would make sense; however, Raphael never liked being stuck in the sewers. He always complained about how confining it was, and the moment they were allowed topside, Raph spent as much time as he could on the surface. Ever since Leonardo awoke, Raph has taken to being out in the woods the best out of all of them. He seems to genuinely enjoy being out in the forest, blending in, and sneaking up on Donatello and Michelangelo from a tree or bush during training. Leo wonders what the adjustment period is going to be like once they return to New York. He’s sure that Raph’s temper will soar once they’re back and trapped underground all day long again, and he definitely doesn’t look forward to it.
Leonardo can’t help but wonder if that means that his new found camaraderie with Raph will dissipate as well once they return. He doesn’t want to give this up, if he doesn’t have to, but he also knows both of them well enough to know that this particular change in attitude is too sudden and mostly likely due to various variables; such as being away from New York and the sewers, the ability to move freely out here during daylight hours, Leo’s injury, and possibly even Master Splinter’s absence. Leo doesn’t like to think about their missing father too often, but he can’t ignore the possibility that their father’s departure is a key factor in Raphael’s attitude adjustment. It hurts to think that the only thing they needed to mellow Raph out was a change in scenery and a missing sensei.
The two of them have been getting along better than they have in years, and there’s a part of Leo that fears that it’s only because Raph sees him as weak and broken since he’s been hurt. Still, he won’t deny how much Raphael’s support and encouragement has meant to him while he’s been slowly rebuilding his strength. Heck, Raph is half of the reason that Leo’s been doing as well as he has since he regained consciousness. His brother has been there every step of the way, making sure Leonardo doesn’t overdo it, pushing him when he needs it, and generally being even more of a crutch than the piece of wood Donnie fashioned for him.
Leo’s thoughts tapper off as he watches Raph enter a small clearing, glance around, and then sit down. His brother sits in a lotus position and appears to be meditating, but that makes absolutely no sense. Raphael has never been a fan of meditation. In fact, he used to mock Leo fairly frequently for his tendency to spend so many hours doing just that. It’s not something that Leo thought he would ever find Raph doing of his own violation, but, more importantly, Leo doesn’t understand why Raph would feel the need to venture so far out into the woods just to meditate.
Surely, Raphael could have found a quiet place closer to the farmhouse, but then Leo reconsiders his thoughts on the matter. The truth is, between Donnie and Casey constantly working in the barn/lab, Mikey running all over the house with Ice Cream Kitty -- making an unparalleled amount noise -- or playing with his chickens outside, and April and Leo spending the majority of their time in the kitchen or in front of the television, this probably is the only place that Raph could find true peace and quiet. It’s a little sad, really, and it almost makes him feel as if they’ve somehow managed to push Raphael away without really meaning to. Leonardo knows that Raph likes his seclusion, and that he always has, but Leo never meant to make Raph feel as if the only way to have time to himself was to leave.
The thought makes Leo realize exactly how much of Raph’s time he’s been taking up lately. After all, if he isn’t training with all of them, Raph spends a good portion of his time playing video games with Leo, or helping him stretch out his bad leg, or just generally watching over him. Raph doesn’t even spend that much time with Casey anymore, since his best friend has been spending most of his free time with Donnie or April. The thought makes Leonardo’s gut twist with guilt, and he wonders if Raph has been giving up time he would normally spend by himself or with the others just to take care of Leo.
He’s about to turn back towards the farmhouse and leave Raph to his…whatever this is -- Leo still doubts that Raphael is meditating -- but before he gets the chance he sees something rather large and dark moving towards his brother from the other side of the clearing. Leo jumps to another branch, trying desperately to get there first, and knowing that there is no possible way that he can. He grabs onto the branch he was aiming for, clinging desperately to the tree, as he glances down to see a rather large deer meandering over toward his brother, and Leo breathes out a heavy sigh of relief. He climbs back up onto the branch and crouches again, watching in astonishment as Raph begins petting the deer. “Hey, buddy, I didn’t think you were gonna show.”
Leo blinks rapidly as he listens to Raph speak to the deer as though it’s his friend. He guesses he should have seen this coming. After all, Raphael always did have a weird sort of friendship with all of the pigeons in New York, and he used to speak to Spike, so it’s only logical to think that Raph would become attached to the wildlife here. Leonardo decides to sit down, relax, and observe this little meeting. After all, it might give him some good blackmail material later.
The deer lies down and Raph immediately starts massaging between its shoulder blades as he continues speaking to the animal. “It’s been a crazy few days. Leo seems to be doing better, and Casey and Donnie are getting along pretty well. They’re spending so much time together that I’m startin’ to wonder if they even remember there are other people around, ya know? It’s good, though. I get to spend more time out here. Mikey and his stupid cat are just as annoying as ever. They sing when they’re cooking and Ice Creak Kitty gets everything sticky. April keeps complaining when Ice Cream Kitty gets ice cream in her hair, but we all know she thinks that cat is adorable.”
Raph takes a deep breath and releases it slowly. Leo can tell that whatever he’s going to say next isn’t something that Raph would ever willingly allow anyone else to overhear. He’s starting to wonder if staying was really such a good idea, after all. He’s intruding on his brother’s only chance to really vent without the consequences that come from venting to his family. However, for whatever reason, Leonardo can’t make himself leave. “I still miss Master Splinter, but I guess we’re doing okay without him…better than I thought we would, anyway. I don’t really know how the others are dealing with that. Donnie and April don’t talk about him much. It’s like they think that if they just forget about him, then it won’t hurt as much. I don’t know. Mikey talks about him sometimes, but I don’t think he’s accepted that Splinter is gone. He constantly keeps talking like we’re gonna go back to New York and Splinter will be there waiting for us. I wish he would just grow up, and, at the same time, I really hope he doesn’t. I guess he still hopes that Splinter isn’t dead, though I don’t know how there can be any doubt after what we saw.”
Leo listens intently to every word that Raph is saying. His brother hasn’t spoken to any of them about his feelings on the matter, and Leo honestly doesn’t have the nerve to ask. He doesn’t want to disrupt the delicate balance they’ve attained, so he hasn’t even tried. It makes him feel like a terrible brother, but Leo just can’t help it that almost all of his conversations with Raph end in an argument…or at least they used it. He doesn’t have the stomach to test if that particular aspect of their relationship would return if he pushed Raph into opening up more. However, Leo knows that it’s probably inevitable.
Raph sighs dejectedly as he continues petting the deer lying beside him. “As for Leo? Well, I don’t think he really believes Splinter’s gone either, but he wasn’t there…he didn’t have to witness that fight with Shredder, and…and sometimes I’m so damn relieved that he wasn’t. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I was freaked when I saw him crash through that window, but he didn’t have to watch Splinter get cut down by Shredder, and then thrown down a drain pipe. I still have nightmares about it…about both Splinter’s fight with Shredder and Leo crashing through that window, and I’m sure the others do too. ”
Leo shudders at the thought. He hates himself for not being there for his brothers and his father, but secretly he’s grateful that he didn’t have to witness that either. No one has given him the full details of what happened. They just told him that Splinter lost and Shredder tossed him down a drain pipe, but he can tell from their haunted expressions that it was a lot more than that. However, he’s been too afraid to press for more information. “It’s okay, though.” Raph’s voice draws Leo’s attention back to the ground once more. “Leo will get better and he’ll lead us through this, like he always does.” Leo can’t help but smile at the confidence in Raph’s voice, especially since, for awhile there, Leonardo wondered if he was ever going to heal enough to walk properly…not to mention lead them.
Raphael clears his throat as he drops his hands away from the deer. “So, where are the others, huh? I’ve got a treat for you guys.” The deer stands and starts scraping his hoof across the ground. The sound is abnormally loud in the otherwise empty clearing, but it only last for a few seconds, and then seemingly out of nowhere four more deer enter the clearing.
Raph gets to his feet and brushes off the grass and dirt from the back of his legs. “There you guys are. Took ya long enough.” He reaches into his belt, specifically into the pouch where they normally keep their ninja smoke bombs, and pulls out what looks like a couple bunches of grapes. Leo smiles to himself. At least that explains why their fruit supply has been disappearing so rapidly. “Hope you guys like ‘em. I read somewhere that vineyard managers have been trying different techniques to keep deer from eating all of their grapes, so I thought you might enjoy these. Man, I’ve gotta be careful that the guys never catch me reading that stuff. They’d never let me live it down.”
Leo doesn’t really know how to even process the new information. As far as he knows, Raph really only reads fighting, boxing, matrial arts, motorcycle, or car magazines. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen Raphael pick up an actual book and he’s certainly never seen Raphael act interested in anything pertaining to animals or vineyards. Leonardo is practically itching to run back to the farmhouse and ransack every room until he finds anything and everything Raph may have read just so he can learn more about his brother. He wonders if Raphael had an odd book collection hidden somewhere in the lair that no one knew about…well, no one except Spike. Leo’s sure that if Raph had any real secrets, then Spike knew about them, which puts him even more on edge every time they come up against Slash, but that’s not something Leonardo really wants to think about right now.
He shakes his head and focuses on watching Raph feed the small group of deer that have gathered around him. Leo doesn’t understand Raphael’s strange affinity to animals or how he has apparently trained both the pigeons back home and the deer here, but he can’t deny that the habit has been useful in the past…bizarre, but handy. He sighs quietly to himself and decides to head back to the farmhouse before Raph realizes he’s been stalking him this entire time. Leo gets to his feet, intent on leaving Raph to his woodland creature adventure for the second time, but, unfortunately, things don’t always go Leo’s way. Just as he spins toward another branch, his leg cramps up from apparently overexerting himself, and he ends up slipping off of the branch he’s standing on.
The breath leaves him in a terrified shout as his feet slip away from the rough tree branch and Leonardo realizes that there’s nothing to grab onto. He stares vacantly at ground rushing towards him, knowing that there is nothing he can do to avoid the inevitable pain of connecting with the ground. However, the pain never comes, because instead, seemingly out of nowhere, there are suddenly strong arms wrapping around him and turning him so that it isn’t Leo’s shell that hits the ground with an audible thud that nearly gets drowned out by a very distinctive pained grunt. “What are ya doin’, Leo? You’re damn lucky I caught ya in time. Besides, didn’t we already have a talk about you putting yourself inta situations that end with me catchin’ ya midair?”
Leo laughs nervously as he slowly gets to his feet, noticing that all of the noise has made the deer scatter back into the forest. He’s sure that Raph’s going to stop caring about the fall and start caring about the reason Leonardo was in that tree in the first place sooner rather than later, and Leo knows this is it. This is the end of their amicability and harmony. They’re going to go right back to constantly bickering, and arguing, and never getting along, and it’s entirely his fault. If he just left well enough alone and allowed his brother this one thing, then maybe they wouldn’t be on the verge of quarrelling all over again. He messes everything up with Raph every time, and Leo surmises he should have realized that this time would be no different.
Abruptly, Raph is in his face, and Leo is just waiting for the yelling, the lividness, and possibly even the punch to the jaw that will signify the end to their gregariousness and the beginning of their tired old tune of constant strife. “Yo, you okay? Didn’t hit your head or nothing, did ya?” Raph doesn’t wait for Leo’s answer before grabbing him and looking him over. “Knew I should a tucked better, sorry about that, anyway, ya don’t look too good. Come on, bro; let’s get ya back to the farmhouse.” Raphael grabs Leo’s arm and throws it over his shoulder, forcing Leonardo to lean a fair portion of his weight onto him. “How bad is your leg botherin’ ya?” Leo doesn’t answer, so Raph nudges him the best he can while forcibly shouldering most of Leo’s weight. “Come on, talk to me, bro.”
“You’re…you’re not mad?” Leo doesn’t actually mean to say that, but the words just kind of tumble out with his astonishment.
Raph actually pauses their forward progression towards the farmhouse to stare at him incredulously. “What are you talkin’ about? Why would I be mad at ya for fallin’ out of a tree? At least ya didn’t do it while we were tryin’ to save the others, like a certain genius brother of ours.”
Leonardo shakes his head. “No, I mean, because I was following you.”
Raph shrugs, obviously trying not to jostle Leo too much, before he readjusts his grip on Leo’s arm and starts walking again. “Eh, it was inevitable.”
Leonardo is honestly confused by how utterly resigned and, more importantly, serene Raph sounds. “What do you mean it was inevitable?”
Raphael huffs out a laugh. “You’ve been antsy for days. I’m actually surprised you didn’t follow me out here sooner. I know you’ve been dying to find out what I’ve been up to for weeks now, so I knew it was only a matter of time before you followed me and mocked me, so let’s hear it, Fearless.”
“I…Raph, I have no intention of mocking you.” Leo would like to claim to be appalled that Raphael would think such a thing, but Leo knows himself and the rest of his brothers well enough to know that if the situation was just a little different, then he’d be doing exactly that, especially since that’s part of the reason he stayed as long as he did in the first place.
“Now, there’s something I don’t believe. You guys always gave me a hard time when you found me talking to Spike, and I know you were never really a fan of the pigeons, so…”
“They carry diseases, Raph.” Leo doesn’t even mean to interrupt, but he’s always disliked the way his brother handles those birds, and this is hardly the first time he’s expressed that particular opinion.
“We grew up in a sewer, and I’m tellin’ ya, Leo, humans carry way more diseases than those pigeons, and you don’t have a problem with Casey or April.”
Leo smiles with ease at their casual squabble as he shakes his head. “It’s really not the same.”
“Sure, it’s not.” Raph rolls his eyes, but there’s still a small smirk on his lips. It’s an old argument, and one that Leo doesn’t really mind having again. “Let’s just get ya back to the farmhouse and ice your knee.”
Leo really can’t protest against that plan, especially when his knee is throbbing the way it is. He really shouldn’t have stayed in a crouched position for so long, but he doesn’t actually regret following Raph into the woods. “Hey, Raph, how come you never talk to us about the stuff that you talk to your animal friends about?” Leo doesn’t really know why he’s asking. After all, he’s certain that he’s lucky they’re still getting along as well as they are. He really shouldn’t be pushing it, but he desperately wants to know what the wildlife has that they don’t. Leonardo honestly just wants to understand why Raph trusts a bunch of animals with things that he’s never trusted his family with. It just seems so…heartbreaking, or maybe Leo’s knee pain has just finally gotten to him, he’s not really sure.
Raphael shrugs again, evidently uncomfortable with the subject matter, but not enough to just get angry and walk away, which Leo is eternally grateful for at the moment. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s because the animals don’t care. They don’t talk back. They don’t get upset with what I have to say. They can’t get hurt by my words. I guess, in a way, they get me, or, at least, they don’t misunderstand me.”
“And we…we don’t get you, right? We misunderstand you and get hurt or upset by your words, right?” Leo can’t believe that it’s taken him this long to finally comprehend that Raph always meant it when he said that they didn’t understand him. He always thought it was just Raph being melodramatic when he was really furious, but it’s obvious now that Raphael really has always felt this way…that they make him feel this way, and not just in the heat of the moment.
“It’s stupid. Just forget it, Leo, and do me a favor and don’t tell the others what ya saw today.”
Leo is taken aback by what he would call a plea from either of his other brothers, but Raph doesn’t beg, or plead, or even really ask for things. He usually just demands and threatens, so Leo doesn’t really know how to respond to this kind of candidness from his most reticent brother. He knows that he’s already pushed his luck as much as he possibly can, so Leo just nods. “Yeah, sure, whatever you say, Raph.” Leo isn’t sure how this is going to affect their relationship, but he’s not naïve enough to believe that it won’t. In fact, he’s certain that this entire conversation will alter their recently attained amity more than Leo’s spying ever could have. It’s that realization that has Leo speaking again. No matter what he says or does, he’s certain that their new found closeness with deteriorate, so he might as well try his best to make Raphael understand his position. “You know we love you, right? And you can come to any of us about anything, especially me, okay?”
Raph gives him a tiny half smirk as they continue shuffling through the woods. “Aw, don’t go gettin’ all mushy on me now. We’ve still got a fairly long hike ahead of us.”
“I mean it, Raph. We really do love you and you can talk to us.” Leo is about to continue, but he stops to think about everything he has learned today and everything he’s always known about Raphael. It only takes a moment for him to formulate a rather dark notion that never really occurred to him before. “But I guess sometimes love isn’t enough, is it?”
Raph rolls his eyes again. “Are ya tellin’ me you’re seriously jealous of some animals? They’re just deer.”
It’s a type of deflection that Leo is all too familiar with from Raphael. He doesn’t want to start a real fight by continue to push Raph, but Leo feels as if the two of them are on the cusp of something, and it feels like something dire…maybe even a crucial part of Raph, which is probably the only reason Leo hasn’t allowed the two of them to fall into their usual uncomfortable silence. “I’m sorry, you know, you really should be able to come to us about these things.”
“Leo, I said it’s fine. Now, drop it.” There’s a hard tone to Raph’s voice, and Leo knows that if he doesn’t just shut up and keep limping along, then this conversation will quickly turn into a screaming match, but he doesn’t want to drop it. He doesn’t want Raphael to continue seeing his family as a bunch of people who he needs to protect himself from, because, quite frankly, Leo is tired of being seen as merely a single step above an enemy or, worse, an unwanted acquaintance.
Leonardo just wishes he had realized how much of himself Raphael keeps hidden from them sooner, but there’s nothing he can do about his past mistakes. All he can do now is attempt to make Raph see that it doesn’t need to be this way. “We’re your family, Raph.”
Raph glances over to him with a rather perplexed expression. “Yeah, no kidding. I’m pretty sure the green skin, three fingers, and shells gave it away, but thanks for the information, Leo.”
Leonardo breathes out a heavy sigh. “I’m serious. You can trust us.”
Raph stops dead in his tracks, and Leo steadies himself, certain that Raphael is going to fling Leo’s arm away from him and push him down to the ground, but Raph doesn’t do any of that. In fact, Raphael doesn’t even move. It’s like he’s frozen in place for a good long moment, and then he turns to Leo, eyes wide in distress. “Who said I don’t trust you guys? I’ve always watched your backs in a fight. I know I don’t always get there in time, and I screwed up that time that you went awol and Mikey ended up hurt, and that time that you got captured by Karai, and the whole Spider Bytes thing, but…”
“Whoa, whoa, calm down.” Leonardo does his best to give Raph a hug without accidently toppling them both over and mostly succeeds. He never realized how much those incidents bothered Raphael after the fact, but it seems as though Leo is learning a great many things about his most surly brother today. “I wasn’t referring to our fights, Raph. We all know you’d do anything to protect us.”
“Well, then what the heck is your point, Fearless?” Raph looks as though he wants nothing more than to push Leo away, even if it’s just to stop the physical contact, but he refrains, which almost makes Leo sigh in relief. He’s not really sure he can stand on his bad leg right now, and certainly not if it was to happen as suddenly and violently as Raphael normally moves.
“You should be able to trust us enough to converse with us about your inner thoughts. You shouldn’t have to go run off to middle of nowhere, and you shouldn’t have to hide from us. We’re not your enemies. We’re not going to hurt you.” The frustration is mounting, and Leo can tell that it’s only a matter of time before they end up in the inevitable brawl, but he desperately needs Raphael to understand that all he wants is to be closer to him, and not just because Raph feels bad about his injuries. “I want to understand you, Raphael. I want to know you.”
“We’ve spent our entire lives together, Leo. You do know me.”
“No, I don’t…not really.” Leonardo heaves a large sigh. He’s sure that what he’s about to say is only going to lead to a punch to the face, but the compulsion to keep going is too great to stop now. “You know, I used to think that the only one who really knew you was Spike, and now I know I was right. He was the only one you ever let see the real you. I just don’t know why.”
Raph clenches his hands into fits and Leo can see how much he’s trying to control himself by the slight tremor running through his taunt muscles. “That’s not true!”
“Yes, it is. You know, after Spike got mutated, I was hoping that you would finally come to us…that you would finally trust us enough to actually talk to us, but you didn’t. You just pretended like everything was fine, and then you hid in your room when you couldn’t pretend anymore. Eventually, you started venturing out into the sewers and even went topside when it got really bad.”
“Yeah, I know. I was there, Fearless. Can we please just keep moving?”
Leo shakes his head and prepares himself for whatever this might bring. “No, I’m not done yet. Your anger was so out of control, and I just kept thinking that ultimately you wouldn’t have a choice anymore…sooner or later you would have to pick one of us, but you never did. Then you met Casey, and the two of you spent so much time together that I was certain that you had to be going to him with all of the things that you keep from us, but it was evident from watching you two around the lair and when we went topside that you didn’t. I knew that you trained the pigeons, but I never guessed that you talked to them the way you did Spike, though I guess I should have. But how satisfying can it really be to talk to pigeons?”
“Would you just get over the pigeons? They’re fine, Leo.”
Leonardo rolls his eyes and wonders when Raph is going to stop trying to deflect the conversation. Clearly, Leo has no intention of allowing this conversation to get derailed, although he guesses Raphael wouldn’t be Raph if he didn’t keep trying. After all, his brother’s stubbornness is just as much a part of him as his shell. “My point is, now you have the deer, and I just don’t get it. I don’t get why you would rather converse with animals than your own brothers. I don’t get why you don’t trust us. I just…I just want to know what we ever did to make you think you couldn’t come to us.”
Leo is waiting for the eruption…the anger that always rears its ugly head when they get too close to the real Raphael, and it’s that thought that makes Leo want to smack himself. He honestly can’t believe that it’s taken him this long to realize that one of Raph’s major issues is that he uses the anger to blanket himself from them, and not just from himself. Leo always thought that Raph’s rage arose at times like this, because Raphael didn’t want to feel any other emotion. However, it only just occurs to him now that Raph utilizes his rage to keep his distance from them. However, Leonardo still doesn’t understand why.
Raph just shakes his head and grits his teeth. “I’m done talkin’. Now get a move on before I leave ya here.” He starts walking, practically dragging Leo with him, and Leo has no choice. He has to hobble along at speed or he’ll end up harming his good leg. He’s panting after only a short while. After all, the pace would be brisk even if Leo wasn’t injured. As it stands, he barely has enough breath to keep from getting lightheaded…not to mention talking. As much as Leo knows that Raphael is truly livid now, he also knows that the speed is both punishment and a way to keep Leonardo from continuing their conversation. It doesn’t stop him from trying, however.
“Come on, Raph, just answer my one question and I’ll leave you alone.” He puffs out a heavy breath between almost every word, but Leo’s sure that Raph understands him.
“No, you won’t. You never do. You never let anything go. Heck, it’s how I knew you were going to end up following me out here. You can’t let anything go. It’s not part of your nature.”
Leo can’t really argue with that. He’s never really been good at letting things go or ignoring something that didn’t feel right, but this is different. This is Raph, his brother, and he should be able to give Raphael this one thing. Still, Leonardo knows that even if he managed to convince Raph of his sincerity and did intend to actually let this be, eventually his curiosity and fear would get the better of him…eventually he would force Raph into another confrontation, like always. It seems that’s just the way their relationship is meant to be. The two of them constantly getting into confrontation after confrontation, and Leo surmises that he should just be grateful for the small amount of time he’s gotten with his brother where the two of them actually got along, because he doubts that he’s going to see another bout of solidarity from Raphael for quite some time after this.
“I just want to understand you.”
“I’m serious, Leo, drop it!” Raph’s grip on Leo’s arm tightens to the point that Leo actually winces in pain, but they both ignore it.
Leonardo knows that there’s no point to continuing with the argument. It won’t yield any results and he’s already angered Raph enough for today, so they continue making their way back to the farmhouse in complete silence. When they finally get back to the farmhouse, Raphael dumps Leo on the couch and goes straight to the kitchen, and Leo nearly jumps when he returns seconds later with an icepack. Leonardo takes it from him with a small nod of thanks, and then Raph disappears out of the front door once again. Leo sighs heavily as he places the icepack on his knee, and then stares off into space. He messes everything up with Raphael every time. He just wishes he knew why.