Fic: Escaping the Din Chapter 2
Title: Escaping the Din
Author: Brokaw22
Disclaimer: The norms
Rating: T
Story Synopsis: Sometimes Raph just has to escape the noise.
Chapter One
He awakes groggy and with a splitting head ache. He doesn’t remember much from the previous night beyond an odd hallucination of his older brother and the vague image of a broken bottle. He groans as he tries to sit up and stops as he’s immediately hit with a wave of nausea. It’s not an unfamiliar feeling, but that doesn’t make it any more pleasant than his previous experiences with it. He’ll have to figure out some way to clean up the broken glass, and then he should probably check to see if his whiskey is still good, because he’s never had visual hallucinations while drinking before and it’s something that he’d really rather not repeat.
Raph should probably also clean and bandage his split knuckles and check for any other injuries that might have occurred while he was out roaming the streets. He’s not really pressed for time, however, so instead of getting up and getting started on all of that, Raph just lies back and swallows down the bile in the back of his throat. It’s then, however, that Raph realizes that he’s not lying on the barren, cracked, and dusty hardwood floor of the old abandoned building he was in last night. Instead, he’s lying on a reasonably soft bed with an equally soft pillow under his head. Instantly, dread fills him as he glances down to see his already bandaged hands and reaches up to find a bandage on his beak as well. He’s home, lying on the cot in Donnie’s lab, which means that last night wasn’t just some crazy hallucination.
Raph immediately starts shaking and sweating. Leo was there last night, which means Leo saw and heard everything. Raph’s secret is finally out, and there’s nothing he can do about it. Before he can push down the feeling of queasiness again, Raph leans over the side of the cot and vomits. Luckily, Donnie foresaw this and already had a bucket placed in the exact location that Raph needs it, even if Raph’s sickness isn’t entirely caused by the hangover. He would probably have something to say about his most intellectual brother’s eerie ability to plan perfectly, if he wasn’t so deeply panicked at the moment. He can’t stay here. He needs to move…needs to get away. Raph hopes that if he’s quick enough, he can escape the lair before one of his brothers catches him.
He gets to his feet as quickly as possible, ignoring the way the room spins and his stomach churns with every step. Raph doesn’t have time for the hangover that he most certainly deserves. His legs shake, but he ignores that too as he makes his way towards the door. He’s torn between going slow -- trying to utilize his stealth and silence -- and just making a mad dash for the lair entrance. Both options have their pitfalls. He’s far too shaky to properly use his stealth skills, but he’s also too nauseated to deal with being chased down by his brothers right now. Still, he knows that he can’t stay here any longer than he already has. Raph doesn’t even really think about it as he takes off at speed for the lair entrance. There’s not enough time for him to consider where he’s going to go or what he’s going to do. All he thinks about is getting the hell out of the lair and putting enough distance between himself and his brothers that their extensive knowledge of the sewers won’t matter.
He’s almost to the door when a body slams into him, knocking him down to the ground, and practically sitting on top of him. Raph’s too dazed at first to realize which one of his brothers tackled him, but as his blurry vision clears and he sees Leo’s face come into view above him, Raph’s stomach drops. “Where do you think you’re going?”
Raph doesn’t answer. Instead, he begins thrashing and kicking, desperately trying to get away. He barely registers the few hits he gets in. They aren’t enough to remove Leo’s hands, therefore they’re inconsequential. However, the hits make Leo increase the pressure he’s placing on Raph’s wrists, which only makes Raph fight harder. He has no idea how he’s going to be able to throw Leo off. He’s still sluggish and weak from the hangover, but that’s never stopped him from trying before.
“Raph, come on. Calm down. You’re home. You’re okay. We’re gonna take care of you, little brother. It’s gonna be okay.” Leo’s trying to still him with a soft soothing voice, but the tone has the exact opposite effect on him.
“Get off me! I can’t be here! I can’t be here! I can’t be HERE!” Raph doesn’t realize he’s screaming out loud until he feels Leo’s grip on him slacken slightly, and that’s all it takes. Raph punches Leo as hard as he can across the face, knocking his brother to the ground, and then Raph bolts out of the door, faster than he’s ever run in his entire life.
He doesn’t know where he’s going or how far away he’s gotten before Raph doubles over and heaves what little is left in his stomach all over the ground. He pants heavily as he blinks away the tears in his eyes, and then he repeatedly spits and swallows reflexively to get rid of the burning in his throat and disgusting sour taste in his mouth. His stomach cramps as he dry heaves once more, and then he gets to his feet and keeps going. He can hear the pounding of footsteps behind him, urging him to move faster, though he has no way of knowing if they’re real or imagined. His vision swims and his head throbs, but Raph ignores it as he pushes himself further and faster, forcing himself to put one foot in front of the other in rapid succession.
He has no idea what time it is, but -- judging by the sunlight streaming down through the storm grates -- it’s about midday, which means Raph can’t even think about fleeing to the surface for another few hours. He’s still panicking and has no idea where to go, but he takes off down a side tunnel, hoping to stay ahead of his brothers. He knows that if he doesn’t keep moving, then they will catch up to him sooner rather than later. He can’t take that right now. He just doesn’t have the fortitude to deal with all of their questions, anger, and concern. He doesn’t have answers for them…at least, none that he wishes to share, and their emotional responses to his stupid decisions will only make everything worse.
Raph wants nothing more than to hit one of his stashes, but that isn’t even a remote possibility at the moment. All he can do is run and hope that his brothers will write him off as a lost cause and leave him to his admittedly self-destructive behavior. After all, it’s really all he’s good for, anyway. The sound of pounding feet suddenly gets louder, but Raph has no way of knowing if it’s just the pounding of his head. He tries to push himself to move faster, but he’s worn-out, hung-over, and feels as though he’s about to pass out at any moment.
Once again a body slams into him, knocking him down to the ground and holding him down. He grunts from the impact, and then growls as he tries to knock his brother off of his shell; but it’s exponentially harder this time. He’s faced down in the dirty sewer and completely exhausted, but that doesn’t stop him from fighting, even though he knows that there’s nothing he can do. He can hear his brother trying to soothe him again, but Raph can’t handle listening to the words. He desperately tries to block it out, but he’s no better at that now than he has ever been. If he wasn’t so frantically attempting to get away, Raph might actually laugh at the irony that normally he tries to block out the harsh words of his family inside his own head and now he’s trying to block out his brother’s actual words of comfort.
“Raph, come on, we can handle this…” Leo pauses for a moment, seemingly searching for the right words. “…this problem of yours.”
Leo’s final words come out with an air of frustration and irritation. Raph knows that tone well. It’s the tone that always, without fail, sets him on edge. That particular tone always precedes a lecture and/or a fight. He grinds his teeth and for a moment and all he can see is red. “My problem? Ya don’t know a single fucking thing about my problem! So, back the hell off and get the hell off me!”
Raph thrashes in another attempt to get away, but it’s evident that Leo is ready for that. He keeps holding Raph down; making sure that the enraged turtle has no way to escape, no matter how much he fights. “Well, maybe I would know something about it if you would talk to us! You can’t keep doing this, Raph! You can’t continue keeping everything to yourself like this! It’s hurting us, but, more importantly, it’s hurting you.”
Raph growls again at his inability to get away and balls his hands into fists. “What the hell do you care? I’ve been running around, keeping things to myself, and doin’ just fine for how long?”
Leo’s scoff interrupts the rest of Raph’s tirade. “Just fine? This is what you call just fine? Look at you, Raph! You’re so out of it that you can’t even get out of a simple hold. Your knuckles are a mess. You’ve been drinking who knows what for who knows how long! And I…I don’t know how to help you.” His final words come out thick and distressed.
Raph turns his head to the left and stares at the wall. He doesn’t want to deal with Leo’s frustration, sorrow, and desperation. “Ya can’t help me, ‘cause I don’t want your help!”
Leo sighs deeply; his weight dropping more heavily onto Raph, yet his hold remains just as firm as when he first tackled Raphael to the ground. “Why? Why does everything have to be so difficult with you? Why can’t you just talk to us…talk to me? I know you’ve got some pretty messed up things running through your head right now, but maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if you just talked.”
Raph shakes his head as much as he can from his position on the ground. “I don’t wanna talk about it! I don’t wanna even fucking think about it! You think I really want ya to know about the shit that goes on inside my head? Hell, Fearless, why do ya think I leave all the time? It isn’t just for the fighting and the alcohol. I have to… I just have to get away from it all…away from you…away from them…away from all of the noise!”
“What are you talking about?” Leo’s voice wavers with apprehension and confusion.
Raph huffs out a breath, exhausted and irritated beyond measure. “It doesn’t matter. It’s not your problem! It’s my problem and I’ll handle my own damn problems my own damn way!”
“First, I wouldn’t call what you do handling anything!” Leo practically snarls out the words before taking a deep breath and continuing in a much calmer tone. “Second, this is all of our problem, Raph, because this effects all of us, not just you.” Leo suddenly settles more comfortably over his brother, and leans almost all of his weight onto Raph. “Third, I’m not letting you up until you talk to me, so I suggest you get comfortable, because I know I am.”
Raph heaves a large breath, or at least as large of one as he can with his brother practically sitting on his shell. He doesn’t want to talk, and normally he would fight a hell of a lot more than this, but he’s tired, his head is still throbbing, and the nausea never really left. He can also tell that Leo’s determination is only going to grow with the passage of time. “I’m not a good brother, nor a good son. Hell, I’m not good for much of anything, really.”
Raph didn’t really mean to say that, but now that the words have been spoken the rest just seems to tumble out on its own accord. “I can take a hit and dish ‘em out, and that’s basically the extent of my usefulness. I’m good at hurting people, even the people I don’t really wanna hurt. I get that, and I don’t really need the reiteration of it from all of you. I don’t need Splinter’s disappointment, or your irritation, or Donnie’s revulsion, or Mikey’s fear to know all of that. The alcohol dims it a bit, though. It makes it a bit easier to swallow, even if I should just suck up the truth and get over it.”
He can feel Leo’s grip on him tighten, almost like a hug. “It’s not true. That’s not true at all.”
Raph laughs, but there’s no humor in it. “You were there last night. How much do ya really think I believe that? And more importantly, how much do you believe that, Leo? Hell, the amount of times you’ve claimed that I do nothing but endanger this family should be enough to prove my point.”
Raph can feel Leo tense all over. “I…I never meant it like that. It’s just…you don’t seem to care about yourself, Raph. I worry about you so damn much every single time we go out, because you don’t care if you get hurt. And now I’m starting to think you wouldn’t even care if you died. You throw yourself into easily avoidable battles, and I honestly don’t know why. All I see is my little brother coming home, covered in blood, and looking like he couldn’t care less about his injuries.” Leo takes a deep, shuddering breath, and his next words are spoken so lowly Raph thinks his brother might actually be crying. “I just don’t get it, Raph. Why is it so hard for you to believe that I just want you to be safe?”
“‘Cause it doesn’t matter what ya want, Leo!” Raph wants nothing more than to get up and move, but, true to his word, Leo still won’t budge. “It’s me or you guys, and I’ll never let it be you guys…not when I can stop it…not when I have a choice. I throw myself into what you deem unnecessary or easily avoidable battles, ‘cause I know if I don’t do something about it right then and there, then people will get hurt….you guys could get hurt, and I’m not willing to let that happen.”
Leo suddenly pushes Raph’s face into the dirty ground beneath them as he gets off of his brother and starts pacing around the sewer tunnel. “You’re so damn selfish, you know that? Don’t you think we feel the same way about you? We don’t want to see you hurt, either!”
Raph shrugs as he finally gets to his feet. “Yeah, so what if I’m selfish? That’s hardly a new insult from ya, Fearless, and it isn’t the worst one, either. I can handle being selfish.”
Leo abruptly stops in his pacing to face Raph. “And what if we can’t handle it? Do you know what it would do to us to lose you? Why do you think we’re always on your case? Do you even understand what it does to us when you disappear for days on end? Hell, do you have any idea how it felt to see you like that? You should have seen Don’s face when I told him about how I found you. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him in so much pain. And just think about what it would do to Mikey or Master Splinter if they knew.”
Raph doesn’t have a response for Leo. Hell, that’s one of the major reasons he fled in the first place. This is the exact conversation that he wanted to avoid from the start, because it doesn’t matter what he knows. His head likes to combat all of that on a regular basis and that’s why he runs to one of his various stashes as often as he does. It doesn’t matter how good of a fighter he is, because there’s only so much he can argue with himself, and it’s pretty damn obvious from where he’s standing that he doesn’t always win. “Well, that explains why I didn’t wake up to the goofball and Splinter hovering over me.”
Leo blinks rapidly, seemingly confused by Raph’s reaction. “You…you really expected me to tell them? You think that poorly of me? Raph, I would have gladly kept this between just the two of us and done whatever I felt was necessary to help you through…whatever this is, but I had to tell Donnie in order for him to care for you properly.”
Raph rolls his eyes. He knew this conversation would eventually lead here all along. “Yeah, I get it, Leo. Ya had to protect Mikey from this…from me, and ya didn’t wanna reveal how much of a true disappointment I am to Splinter, ‘cause then you’d get a lecture too. After all, all of my screw-ups reflect back on you, right?”
Leo’s eyes widen in obvious disbelief as he shakes his head. “What? No! I didn’t tell them because I thought you deserved to tell them about this yourself when you’re ready. True, I have every intention of encouraging you to tell them about both the alcohol and what’s been going on inside your head, because I think you need all of our help and support to get through this. However, I understand you’ve always had a need for privacy and discretion -- in a way that the rest of us never have -- and right now you probably feel like I’ve trampled all over both.”
Raph folds his arms over his chest and glares in annoyance at his current predicament. “Are ya trying to say ya haven’t trampled all over both? ‘Cause ya crashed through a boarded up window, dragged me back to the lair when ya knew I didn’t wanna go, and kept me pinned down on the sewer floor for who the hell knows how long, so I think we’ve moved far beyond trampled.”
Leo scoffs as he rolls his eyes. “You disappeared for days, came back with bandages all over your hands and arms, and then wouldn’t tell anyone where you were or what you were doing. Did you really think I was just going to let that go and not follow you the next time you left? If you’re looking for an apology, you certainly won’t get one, because the only thing I’m remorseful about is not doing this sooner. Honestly, if you think I’m going to let you drink yourself to death, you’ve got another thing coming.”
Raph’s glare only intensifies at Leo’s declaration. “I never asked for your help, Leo, so get off your high horse, and stop acting like you’re my damn savior or something!”
“Well, too damn bad, because you’ve got my help!” Leo takes a deep breath before continuing in a much calmer tone. “And I’m not acting like your savior. I’m just acting like your brother.”
Raph throws back his head and laughs. “First time for everything, I guess.”
The words are barely out of Raph’s mouth when Leo leaps at him, knocking Raph to the ground once more. Leo’s hands are on Raph’s shoulders, shaking him. “Get this through your extremely thick skull, you jerk! You’re my brother and I love you! So, quit insinuating that I don’t! I wouldn’t be here having this fight with you if I didn’t care!”
“Course you would. We both know what Splinter would do, if ya didn’t come after me.”
Leo pushes himself off of Raph and returns to pacing around the sewer tunnel, seemingly restless and agitated. “Is that really what you think? You think I only bothered to track you down, because of what Master Splinter would say?” Leo pauses for a long moment, seemingly searching for something, but Raph doesn’t know what. “Do you think that if Donnie or Mikey was in your position, I wouldn’t go after them, either?”
Raph gets to his feet and puts some distance between himself and Leo. His irritation is rising with all of the physical contact. “Nah, those two get into a whole slew of trouble all on their own and we always go after ‘em.”
“So, you know I care about them, then?”
Raph doesn’t really understand where Leo is going with this, but he nods and allows his brother to make his point, knowing that he doesn’t really have much of an option now that they’re having this out. Leo stares at him for a long moment before taking a deep calming breath. “In that case, I want to know right now what I ever did to make you think I don’t care about you, Raph. Why is it that you can easily see how much I care about Mikey and Donnie, but you don’t think I feel the same way about you?”
Raph heaves a large sigh and starts rubbing his temples, in an attempt to somehow diminish his growing headache. “Damn, Leo, come on. I know how ya see me. I know what I am. I’m a stubborn pain in the ass, a burden, and a liability. I know that, while Mikey fears me and Don thinks I’m stupid and inferior, you just think that I’m a worthless waste of potential. There aint any reason to pretend otherwise.”
Leo just stares at him, seemingly lost for words for a long moment. “Yeah, you’re a stubborn pain in the ass, but you’re not a burden. You know that, right? We don’t think those things. We care about you, Raph. We love you. You’re our brother.”
Raph shakes his head. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. He was supposed to go to his stash and stay there until all of this passed. He wasn’t supposed to have to stand here and have a conversation with Leo about everything while still hung-over. “It doesn’t matter, Fearless. All that matters is that I protect you guys from myself. You’re my family and you’re all I have. I don’t care what happens to me as long as you guys are safe, and if that means running off and sucking down some whiskey to get through it, then fine by me.”
Leo stares at him imploringly. “Well, it’s not fine with us, Raph. Doesn’t that matter to you at all?”
Raph shrugs. “Why should it? I screw up and hurt you guys enough as it is. Don’t you agree, Leo? Come on, that’s what the majority of our arguments are about, right? You’ve said it yourself, Fearless. I’m the muscle and it’s what I’m good at.”
Leo sighs heavily as he steps closer to his brother, hands out in a mollifying gesture. “Yeah, but I never meant to make you feel like we don’t love you, or like you’re not good enough, or that you shouldn’t come home.”
Raph laughs bitterly and mirthlessly. “This isn’t new, Leo. I’ve felt this way for a long time. It just never mattered to ya until now.”
Leo’s brow furrows in frustration. “If this is how you’ve always felt, then why didn’t you ever talk about it? You could have come to one of us about it before it got to this point. We would have listened.”
“Yeah, right.” Raph scoffs as he rolls his eyes.”When do you guys ever listen to me? As far as you’re concerned I’m just a big angry meat head.”
“That’s not all you are and it isn’t all we see you as. You have to know that.” Leo looks as if he’s in pain and searching for the right words, but Raph isn’t sure there are any.
Raph shakes his head. He doesn’t know what Leo wants from him or why they’re even having this argument. As far as Raph’s concerned, there’s no point to any of this. “All I know is that it doesn’t really matter, Leo. Nothing’s gonna change, ‘cause, at the end of the day, I’m still me…whatever the hell that is.”
“You’re our brother, Raph. You’re loyal, strong, protective, and...”
Raph’s tired and this conversation is quickly going nowhere. “And we’ve already established that that’s pretty much the extent of my good qualities, so how ‘bout we drop this and you just go home.”
Leo shakes his head as he folds his arms over his plastron. “I’m not going anywhere…at least, not without you.”
Raph sighs heavily, defeated and utterly exhausted. “Fine, whatever you say, Fearless.”
Leo doesn’t seem pleased with the fact that he’s given in so easily, but Raph doesn’t care. He’d willingly sit through one of Mikey’s sugar highs, if it meant he got to pass out for awhile and end this whole useless conversation. The two of them start heading in the direction of home, but Raph’s not surprised that Leo doesn’t drop the subject. “I think you should talk to Master Splinter about all of this when we get back.”
Raph growls, thoroughly annoyed by both the suggestion and Leo’s inability to just stop talking. “What’s the point? I already know where that’s gonna lead. It’ll be extra training for the alcohol, extra meditation and lectures to deal with my screwed up head, and then everyone watching me like a hawk more than ya’ll already do. No, I’m good, and if you go blabbing…”
“Raph, I think it might help to…” Leo doesn’t even get to finish whatever he was going to say before Raph is in his face, seething at the very idea of it.
“No! You don’t get a fucking say in this, Fearless. I show up for training. I follow your damn orders as much as I’m capable. This hasn’t gotten in the way of anything, so just shut up and leave it!”
Leo suddenly pushes him up against the sewer wall. “Damn it, Raph! I can’t just leave it! You disappear for days at a time, and now that I know why I can’t just leave it. I have to help you!”
Raph pushes Leo away as he balls his hands into fists. “How many times do I have to tell ya? Ya can’t help me!”
Leo heaves a large breath. “I believe you. That’s why I think you need to talk to Master Splinter.”
Raph shakes his head and tries to control his rage. He’s not sure if he wants to punch Leo in the face again or just vomit on him. “Splinter can’t help me, either. It’s not like he can just remove all the messed up parts of me. Trust me, if he could, I’m sure he would have done it by now.”
Leo shakes his head again. “None of us want to change you, Raph. We just don’t want to see you suffering anymore.”
Raph sighs heavily, but the tension doesn’t leave him at all. “What if that’s just the way it’s supposed to be, Fearless?”
Leo shrugs. “I really don’t think that it is, little brother, but all I’m asking is that you talk to Master Splinter, listen to what he has to say, and try whatever he suggests. That’s it.”
Raph frowns skeptically as he folds his arms over his plastron. “That’s it, huh?”
Leo nods. “I’ll be there to help you as much as I can, but you’re right about one thing, Raph. None of us can help you if you don’t let us, so I guess all I’m really asking for you to do is to let us.”
Raph glances down at the ground unsure of what exactly he wants to say. It’s a long moment before he finally whispers, “And what if I can’t let you?”
Leo shrugs again. “You’ll never know until you try. Maybe…maybe it would be better if, instead of going to Master Splinter right away, the two of us just talked.”
Raph scoffs. “You and me? Just talk? Yeah, right.”
Leo grimaces at the insinuation. “It wasn’t always this way, Raph. Once upon a time, we used to be able to tell each other everything. We used to be best friends. Why can’t we try to reclaim a little of that?”
“Mostly, ‘cause I don’t think you can even see me from your high horse.” At Leo’s glare, Raph continues. “But, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try.”
Leo smiles brightly. “That’s all I’m asking for.”
The End (for real this time)
Author: Brokaw22
Disclaimer: The norms
Rating: T
Story Synopsis: Sometimes Raph just has to escape the noise.
Chapter One
He awakes groggy and with a splitting head ache. He doesn’t remember much from the previous night beyond an odd hallucination of his older brother and the vague image of a broken bottle. He groans as he tries to sit up and stops as he’s immediately hit with a wave of nausea. It’s not an unfamiliar feeling, but that doesn’t make it any more pleasant than his previous experiences with it. He’ll have to figure out some way to clean up the broken glass, and then he should probably check to see if his whiskey is still good, because he’s never had visual hallucinations while drinking before and it’s something that he’d really rather not repeat.
Raph should probably also clean and bandage his split knuckles and check for any other injuries that might have occurred while he was out roaming the streets. He’s not really pressed for time, however, so instead of getting up and getting started on all of that, Raph just lies back and swallows down the bile in the back of his throat. It’s then, however, that Raph realizes that he’s not lying on the barren, cracked, and dusty hardwood floor of the old abandoned building he was in last night. Instead, he’s lying on a reasonably soft bed with an equally soft pillow under his head. Instantly, dread fills him as he glances down to see his already bandaged hands and reaches up to find a bandage on his beak as well. He’s home, lying on the cot in Donnie’s lab, which means that last night wasn’t just some crazy hallucination.
Raph immediately starts shaking and sweating. Leo was there last night, which means Leo saw and heard everything. Raph’s secret is finally out, and there’s nothing he can do about it. Before he can push down the feeling of queasiness again, Raph leans over the side of the cot and vomits. Luckily, Donnie foresaw this and already had a bucket placed in the exact location that Raph needs it, even if Raph’s sickness isn’t entirely caused by the hangover. He would probably have something to say about his most intellectual brother’s eerie ability to plan perfectly, if he wasn’t so deeply panicked at the moment. He can’t stay here. He needs to move…needs to get away. Raph hopes that if he’s quick enough, he can escape the lair before one of his brothers catches him.
He gets to his feet as quickly as possible, ignoring the way the room spins and his stomach churns with every step. Raph doesn’t have time for the hangover that he most certainly deserves. His legs shake, but he ignores that too as he makes his way towards the door. He’s torn between going slow -- trying to utilize his stealth and silence -- and just making a mad dash for the lair entrance. Both options have their pitfalls. He’s far too shaky to properly use his stealth skills, but he’s also too nauseated to deal with being chased down by his brothers right now. Still, he knows that he can’t stay here any longer than he already has. Raph doesn’t even really think about it as he takes off at speed for the lair entrance. There’s not enough time for him to consider where he’s going to go or what he’s going to do. All he thinks about is getting the hell out of the lair and putting enough distance between himself and his brothers that their extensive knowledge of the sewers won’t matter.
He’s almost to the door when a body slams into him, knocking him down to the ground, and practically sitting on top of him. Raph’s too dazed at first to realize which one of his brothers tackled him, but as his blurry vision clears and he sees Leo’s face come into view above him, Raph’s stomach drops. “Where do you think you’re going?”
Raph doesn’t answer. Instead, he begins thrashing and kicking, desperately trying to get away. He barely registers the few hits he gets in. They aren’t enough to remove Leo’s hands, therefore they’re inconsequential. However, the hits make Leo increase the pressure he’s placing on Raph’s wrists, which only makes Raph fight harder. He has no idea how he’s going to be able to throw Leo off. He’s still sluggish and weak from the hangover, but that’s never stopped him from trying before.
“Raph, come on. Calm down. You’re home. You’re okay. We’re gonna take care of you, little brother. It’s gonna be okay.” Leo’s trying to still him with a soft soothing voice, but the tone has the exact opposite effect on him.
“Get off me! I can’t be here! I can’t be here! I can’t be HERE!” Raph doesn’t realize he’s screaming out loud until he feels Leo’s grip on him slacken slightly, and that’s all it takes. Raph punches Leo as hard as he can across the face, knocking his brother to the ground, and then Raph bolts out of the door, faster than he’s ever run in his entire life.
He doesn’t know where he’s going or how far away he’s gotten before Raph doubles over and heaves what little is left in his stomach all over the ground. He pants heavily as he blinks away the tears in his eyes, and then he repeatedly spits and swallows reflexively to get rid of the burning in his throat and disgusting sour taste in his mouth. His stomach cramps as he dry heaves once more, and then he gets to his feet and keeps going. He can hear the pounding of footsteps behind him, urging him to move faster, though he has no way of knowing if they’re real or imagined. His vision swims and his head throbs, but Raph ignores it as he pushes himself further and faster, forcing himself to put one foot in front of the other in rapid succession.
He has no idea what time it is, but -- judging by the sunlight streaming down through the storm grates -- it’s about midday, which means Raph can’t even think about fleeing to the surface for another few hours. He’s still panicking and has no idea where to go, but he takes off down a side tunnel, hoping to stay ahead of his brothers. He knows that if he doesn’t keep moving, then they will catch up to him sooner rather than later. He can’t take that right now. He just doesn’t have the fortitude to deal with all of their questions, anger, and concern. He doesn’t have answers for them…at least, none that he wishes to share, and their emotional responses to his stupid decisions will only make everything worse.
Raph wants nothing more than to hit one of his stashes, but that isn’t even a remote possibility at the moment. All he can do is run and hope that his brothers will write him off as a lost cause and leave him to his admittedly self-destructive behavior. After all, it’s really all he’s good for, anyway. The sound of pounding feet suddenly gets louder, but Raph has no way of knowing if it’s just the pounding of his head. He tries to push himself to move faster, but he’s worn-out, hung-over, and feels as though he’s about to pass out at any moment.
Once again a body slams into him, knocking him down to the ground and holding him down. He grunts from the impact, and then growls as he tries to knock his brother off of his shell; but it’s exponentially harder this time. He’s faced down in the dirty sewer and completely exhausted, but that doesn’t stop him from fighting, even though he knows that there’s nothing he can do. He can hear his brother trying to soothe him again, but Raph can’t handle listening to the words. He desperately tries to block it out, but he’s no better at that now than he has ever been. If he wasn’t so frantically attempting to get away, Raph might actually laugh at the irony that normally he tries to block out the harsh words of his family inside his own head and now he’s trying to block out his brother’s actual words of comfort.
“Raph, come on, we can handle this…” Leo pauses for a moment, seemingly searching for the right words. “…this problem of yours.”
Leo’s final words come out with an air of frustration and irritation. Raph knows that tone well. It’s the tone that always, without fail, sets him on edge. That particular tone always precedes a lecture and/or a fight. He grinds his teeth and for a moment and all he can see is red. “My problem? Ya don’t know a single fucking thing about my problem! So, back the hell off and get the hell off me!”
Raph thrashes in another attempt to get away, but it’s evident that Leo is ready for that. He keeps holding Raph down; making sure that the enraged turtle has no way to escape, no matter how much he fights. “Well, maybe I would know something about it if you would talk to us! You can’t keep doing this, Raph! You can’t continue keeping everything to yourself like this! It’s hurting us, but, more importantly, it’s hurting you.”
Raph growls again at his inability to get away and balls his hands into fists. “What the hell do you care? I’ve been running around, keeping things to myself, and doin’ just fine for how long?”
Leo’s scoff interrupts the rest of Raph’s tirade. “Just fine? This is what you call just fine? Look at you, Raph! You’re so out of it that you can’t even get out of a simple hold. Your knuckles are a mess. You’ve been drinking who knows what for who knows how long! And I…I don’t know how to help you.” His final words come out thick and distressed.
Raph turns his head to the left and stares at the wall. He doesn’t want to deal with Leo’s frustration, sorrow, and desperation. “Ya can’t help me, ‘cause I don’t want your help!”
Leo sighs deeply; his weight dropping more heavily onto Raph, yet his hold remains just as firm as when he first tackled Raphael to the ground. “Why? Why does everything have to be so difficult with you? Why can’t you just talk to us…talk to me? I know you’ve got some pretty messed up things running through your head right now, but maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if you just talked.”
Raph shakes his head as much as he can from his position on the ground. “I don’t wanna talk about it! I don’t wanna even fucking think about it! You think I really want ya to know about the shit that goes on inside my head? Hell, Fearless, why do ya think I leave all the time? It isn’t just for the fighting and the alcohol. I have to… I just have to get away from it all…away from you…away from them…away from all of the noise!”
“What are you talking about?” Leo’s voice wavers with apprehension and confusion.
Raph huffs out a breath, exhausted and irritated beyond measure. “It doesn’t matter. It’s not your problem! It’s my problem and I’ll handle my own damn problems my own damn way!”
“First, I wouldn’t call what you do handling anything!” Leo practically snarls out the words before taking a deep breath and continuing in a much calmer tone. “Second, this is all of our problem, Raph, because this effects all of us, not just you.” Leo suddenly settles more comfortably over his brother, and leans almost all of his weight onto Raph. “Third, I’m not letting you up until you talk to me, so I suggest you get comfortable, because I know I am.”
Raph heaves a large breath, or at least as large of one as he can with his brother practically sitting on his shell. He doesn’t want to talk, and normally he would fight a hell of a lot more than this, but he’s tired, his head is still throbbing, and the nausea never really left. He can also tell that Leo’s determination is only going to grow with the passage of time. “I’m not a good brother, nor a good son. Hell, I’m not good for much of anything, really.”
Raph didn’t really mean to say that, but now that the words have been spoken the rest just seems to tumble out on its own accord. “I can take a hit and dish ‘em out, and that’s basically the extent of my usefulness. I’m good at hurting people, even the people I don’t really wanna hurt. I get that, and I don’t really need the reiteration of it from all of you. I don’t need Splinter’s disappointment, or your irritation, or Donnie’s revulsion, or Mikey’s fear to know all of that. The alcohol dims it a bit, though. It makes it a bit easier to swallow, even if I should just suck up the truth and get over it.”
He can feel Leo’s grip on him tighten, almost like a hug. “It’s not true. That’s not true at all.”
Raph laughs, but there’s no humor in it. “You were there last night. How much do ya really think I believe that? And more importantly, how much do you believe that, Leo? Hell, the amount of times you’ve claimed that I do nothing but endanger this family should be enough to prove my point.”
Raph can feel Leo tense all over. “I…I never meant it like that. It’s just…you don’t seem to care about yourself, Raph. I worry about you so damn much every single time we go out, because you don’t care if you get hurt. And now I’m starting to think you wouldn’t even care if you died. You throw yourself into easily avoidable battles, and I honestly don’t know why. All I see is my little brother coming home, covered in blood, and looking like he couldn’t care less about his injuries.” Leo takes a deep, shuddering breath, and his next words are spoken so lowly Raph thinks his brother might actually be crying. “I just don’t get it, Raph. Why is it so hard for you to believe that I just want you to be safe?”
“‘Cause it doesn’t matter what ya want, Leo!” Raph wants nothing more than to get up and move, but, true to his word, Leo still won’t budge. “It’s me or you guys, and I’ll never let it be you guys…not when I can stop it…not when I have a choice. I throw myself into what you deem unnecessary or easily avoidable battles, ‘cause I know if I don’t do something about it right then and there, then people will get hurt….you guys could get hurt, and I’m not willing to let that happen.”
Leo suddenly pushes Raph’s face into the dirty ground beneath them as he gets off of his brother and starts pacing around the sewer tunnel. “You’re so damn selfish, you know that? Don’t you think we feel the same way about you? We don’t want to see you hurt, either!”
Raph shrugs as he finally gets to his feet. “Yeah, so what if I’m selfish? That’s hardly a new insult from ya, Fearless, and it isn’t the worst one, either. I can handle being selfish.”
Leo abruptly stops in his pacing to face Raph. “And what if we can’t handle it? Do you know what it would do to us to lose you? Why do you think we’re always on your case? Do you even understand what it does to us when you disappear for days on end? Hell, do you have any idea how it felt to see you like that? You should have seen Don’s face when I told him about how I found you. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him in so much pain. And just think about what it would do to Mikey or Master Splinter if they knew.”
Raph doesn’t have a response for Leo. Hell, that’s one of the major reasons he fled in the first place. This is the exact conversation that he wanted to avoid from the start, because it doesn’t matter what he knows. His head likes to combat all of that on a regular basis and that’s why he runs to one of his various stashes as often as he does. It doesn’t matter how good of a fighter he is, because there’s only so much he can argue with himself, and it’s pretty damn obvious from where he’s standing that he doesn’t always win. “Well, that explains why I didn’t wake up to the goofball and Splinter hovering over me.”
Leo blinks rapidly, seemingly confused by Raph’s reaction. “You…you really expected me to tell them? You think that poorly of me? Raph, I would have gladly kept this between just the two of us and done whatever I felt was necessary to help you through…whatever this is, but I had to tell Donnie in order for him to care for you properly.”
Raph rolls his eyes. He knew this conversation would eventually lead here all along. “Yeah, I get it, Leo. Ya had to protect Mikey from this…from me, and ya didn’t wanna reveal how much of a true disappointment I am to Splinter, ‘cause then you’d get a lecture too. After all, all of my screw-ups reflect back on you, right?”
Leo’s eyes widen in obvious disbelief as he shakes his head. “What? No! I didn’t tell them because I thought you deserved to tell them about this yourself when you’re ready. True, I have every intention of encouraging you to tell them about both the alcohol and what’s been going on inside your head, because I think you need all of our help and support to get through this. However, I understand you’ve always had a need for privacy and discretion -- in a way that the rest of us never have -- and right now you probably feel like I’ve trampled all over both.”
Raph folds his arms over his chest and glares in annoyance at his current predicament. “Are ya trying to say ya haven’t trampled all over both? ‘Cause ya crashed through a boarded up window, dragged me back to the lair when ya knew I didn’t wanna go, and kept me pinned down on the sewer floor for who the hell knows how long, so I think we’ve moved far beyond trampled.”
Leo scoffs as he rolls his eyes. “You disappeared for days, came back with bandages all over your hands and arms, and then wouldn’t tell anyone where you were or what you were doing. Did you really think I was just going to let that go and not follow you the next time you left? If you’re looking for an apology, you certainly won’t get one, because the only thing I’m remorseful about is not doing this sooner. Honestly, if you think I’m going to let you drink yourself to death, you’ve got another thing coming.”
Raph’s glare only intensifies at Leo’s declaration. “I never asked for your help, Leo, so get off your high horse, and stop acting like you’re my damn savior or something!”
“Well, too damn bad, because you’ve got my help!” Leo takes a deep breath before continuing in a much calmer tone. “And I’m not acting like your savior. I’m just acting like your brother.”
Raph throws back his head and laughs. “First time for everything, I guess.”
The words are barely out of Raph’s mouth when Leo leaps at him, knocking Raph to the ground once more. Leo’s hands are on Raph’s shoulders, shaking him. “Get this through your extremely thick skull, you jerk! You’re my brother and I love you! So, quit insinuating that I don’t! I wouldn’t be here having this fight with you if I didn’t care!”
“Course you would. We both know what Splinter would do, if ya didn’t come after me.”
Leo pushes himself off of Raph and returns to pacing around the sewer tunnel, seemingly restless and agitated. “Is that really what you think? You think I only bothered to track you down, because of what Master Splinter would say?” Leo pauses for a long moment, seemingly searching for something, but Raph doesn’t know what. “Do you think that if Donnie or Mikey was in your position, I wouldn’t go after them, either?”
Raph gets to his feet and puts some distance between himself and Leo. His irritation is rising with all of the physical contact. “Nah, those two get into a whole slew of trouble all on their own and we always go after ‘em.”
“So, you know I care about them, then?”
Raph doesn’t really understand where Leo is going with this, but he nods and allows his brother to make his point, knowing that he doesn’t really have much of an option now that they’re having this out. Leo stares at him for a long moment before taking a deep calming breath. “In that case, I want to know right now what I ever did to make you think I don’t care about you, Raph. Why is it that you can easily see how much I care about Mikey and Donnie, but you don’t think I feel the same way about you?”
Raph heaves a large sigh and starts rubbing his temples, in an attempt to somehow diminish his growing headache. “Damn, Leo, come on. I know how ya see me. I know what I am. I’m a stubborn pain in the ass, a burden, and a liability. I know that, while Mikey fears me and Don thinks I’m stupid and inferior, you just think that I’m a worthless waste of potential. There aint any reason to pretend otherwise.”
Leo just stares at him, seemingly lost for words for a long moment. “Yeah, you’re a stubborn pain in the ass, but you’re not a burden. You know that, right? We don’t think those things. We care about you, Raph. We love you. You’re our brother.”
Raph shakes his head. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. He was supposed to go to his stash and stay there until all of this passed. He wasn’t supposed to have to stand here and have a conversation with Leo about everything while still hung-over. “It doesn’t matter, Fearless. All that matters is that I protect you guys from myself. You’re my family and you’re all I have. I don’t care what happens to me as long as you guys are safe, and if that means running off and sucking down some whiskey to get through it, then fine by me.”
Leo stares at him imploringly. “Well, it’s not fine with us, Raph. Doesn’t that matter to you at all?”
Raph shrugs. “Why should it? I screw up and hurt you guys enough as it is. Don’t you agree, Leo? Come on, that’s what the majority of our arguments are about, right? You’ve said it yourself, Fearless. I’m the muscle and it’s what I’m good at.”
Leo sighs heavily as he steps closer to his brother, hands out in a mollifying gesture. “Yeah, but I never meant to make you feel like we don’t love you, or like you’re not good enough, or that you shouldn’t come home.”
Raph laughs bitterly and mirthlessly. “This isn’t new, Leo. I’ve felt this way for a long time. It just never mattered to ya until now.”
Leo’s brow furrows in frustration. “If this is how you’ve always felt, then why didn’t you ever talk about it? You could have come to one of us about it before it got to this point. We would have listened.”
“Yeah, right.” Raph scoffs as he rolls his eyes.”When do you guys ever listen to me? As far as you’re concerned I’m just a big angry meat head.”
“That’s not all you are and it isn’t all we see you as. You have to know that.” Leo looks as if he’s in pain and searching for the right words, but Raph isn’t sure there are any.
Raph shakes his head. He doesn’t know what Leo wants from him or why they’re even having this argument. As far as Raph’s concerned, there’s no point to any of this. “All I know is that it doesn’t really matter, Leo. Nothing’s gonna change, ‘cause, at the end of the day, I’m still me…whatever the hell that is.”
“You’re our brother, Raph. You’re loyal, strong, protective, and...”
Raph’s tired and this conversation is quickly going nowhere. “And we’ve already established that that’s pretty much the extent of my good qualities, so how ‘bout we drop this and you just go home.”
Leo shakes his head as he folds his arms over his plastron. “I’m not going anywhere…at least, not without you.”
Raph sighs heavily, defeated and utterly exhausted. “Fine, whatever you say, Fearless.”
Leo doesn’t seem pleased with the fact that he’s given in so easily, but Raph doesn’t care. He’d willingly sit through one of Mikey’s sugar highs, if it meant he got to pass out for awhile and end this whole useless conversation. The two of them start heading in the direction of home, but Raph’s not surprised that Leo doesn’t drop the subject. “I think you should talk to Master Splinter about all of this when we get back.”
Raph growls, thoroughly annoyed by both the suggestion and Leo’s inability to just stop talking. “What’s the point? I already know where that’s gonna lead. It’ll be extra training for the alcohol, extra meditation and lectures to deal with my screwed up head, and then everyone watching me like a hawk more than ya’ll already do. No, I’m good, and if you go blabbing…”
“Raph, I think it might help to…” Leo doesn’t even get to finish whatever he was going to say before Raph is in his face, seething at the very idea of it.
“No! You don’t get a fucking say in this, Fearless. I show up for training. I follow your damn orders as much as I’m capable. This hasn’t gotten in the way of anything, so just shut up and leave it!”
Leo suddenly pushes him up against the sewer wall. “Damn it, Raph! I can’t just leave it! You disappear for days at a time, and now that I know why I can’t just leave it. I have to help you!”
Raph pushes Leo away as he balls his hands into fists. “How many times do I have to tell ya? Ya can’t help me!”
Leo heaves a large breath. “I believe you. That’s why I think you need to talk to Master Splinter.”
Raph shakes his head and tries to control his rage. He’s not sure if he wants to punch Leo in the face again or just vomit on him. “Splinter can’t help me, either. It’s not like he can just remove all the messed up parts of me. Trust me, if he could, I’m sure he would have done it by now.”
Leo shakes his head again. “None of us want to change you, Raph. We just don’t want to see you suffering anymore.”
Raph sighs heavily, but the tension doesn’t leave him at all. “What if that’s just the way it’s supposed to be, Fearless?”
Leo shrugs. “I really don’t think that it is, little brother, but all I’m asking is that you talk to Master Splinter, listen to what he has to say, and try whatever he suggests. That’s it.”
Raph frowns skeptically as he folds his arms over his plastron. “That’s it, huh?”
Leo nods. “I’ll be there to help you as much as I can, but you’re right about one thing, Raph. None of us can help you if you don’t let us, so I guess all I’m really asking for you to do is to let us.”
Raph glances down at the ground unsure of what exactly he wants to say. It’s a long moment before he finally whispers, “And what if I can’t let you?”
Leo shrugs again. “You’ll never know until you try. Maybe…maybe it would be better if, instead of going to Master Splinter right away, the two of us just talked.”
Raph scoffs. “You and me? Just talk? Yeah, right.”
Leo grimaces at the insinuation. “It wasn’t always this way, Raph. Once upon a time, we used to be able to tell each other everything. We used to be best friends. Why can’t we try to reclaim a little of that?”
“Mostly, ‘cause I don’t think you can even see me from your high horse.” At Leo’s glare, Raph continues. “But, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try.”
Leo smiles brightly. “That’s all I’m asking for.”
The End (for real this time)