Have been eating horribly the past three days. Chalking it all up to my birthday. Trying to make myself feel better for the mess I've made myself become. Yesterday spent 10 hours at a sports bar, watching football. Drank nearly 3000 calories or more in beer alone, and ate food I can't even post here. Felt awful. Pregnant. Came home, watched ( Read more... )

Yesterday was so much like today. Isn't it strange when you feel like you're living the same day over and over without any progress or change of events ( Read more... )

I've cried every night for the past couple of weeks. It's always for a different reason, except when it's the same. (Did I just say that?) What I mean is, that lately (and lately meaning the past couple of months), it's my father who has plagued my mind ( Read more... )

Yesterday was yet another nightmare. I can't get into the mindset I want to be.

Thought I'd post a picture or two. Some of you may still have never seen me.

me, this summer, at the beach.

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I knew it'd be a disaster. Thanksgiving eats only led to me pigging out for the days to follow. Last night drank at least two bottles of wine on my own.. which led to eating more than I would on a sober mind. Can't lie.. the bloody steak was delicious. The desert to follow wasn't necessary. Saw Borat, finally. Quite funny.. and the fact that I ( Read more... )

I know I've already posted today but I'm compelled to write more. I sit here having taken in approximately 50 calories today and perhaps 300 yesterday and my stomach is rumbling and pleading with me and I love it. How sick is that? And after reading a couple of posts today, I came across one where a girl spoke of knowing what she's doing to her ( Read more... )

I have a job. I haven't started yet.. it's a start up company that opens on December 4th (this is the second time I've began a job on the day of my birth, which is somewhat ironic). But I am so anxious to began working because I have been couped up in this apartment doing nothing but thinking. Ok, so that's somewhat of a lie. Yesterday I drank ( Read more... )

Well, I've done something so spontaneous and unlike me - moved to New York. I'm living in Queens with Matt and his family. Up here, they have what's called multi-family homes. His house actually has three different apartments in it-all with their own kitchen, bathroom and bed rooms. But it's only his family that lives here, so Matt and I have ( Read more... )

I am so glad that I hae this place to be completely honest. I am currently sitting on my bed, alone, with tears running down my cheeks. And there's no one else to talk to.. who will ever understand. Which makes me appreciate the support group I have here. I know I should be happy.. Matt is the most amazing guy I have ever met.. but I am NOT ( Read more... )

So here I am, realizing how weak I am and how much I need that one thing I've let go of. Here I am, uncomfortable with who I've become and, frankly, who I am with. No sparks exist, no feelings remain. I find myself in that place again; the weak, numb, unsure place that, sadly, I recognize and love. I've missed it for so long, and I wish so ( Read more... )