Love Lost
Title: Love Lost
Pairing: YunJae
Rating: PG
Word Count: 774
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything remotely Elphaba or Wicked and I don’t know Jaejoong’s real emotions.
♥♥♥
Some things I cannot change.
There are so many things he regrets from before; things like not being able to say things like ‘bogoshipeo’ and ‘saranghaeyo’ because he was embarrassed and shy, and not telling the people who matter how much he cares for them, not having hugged them a little less awkwardly and more tightly.
And then again, there are many things he regrets about now; how he is not able to become stronger, love more, trust more; the inability to love himself, to believe he is worthy plagues him in the times of his solitude and he regrets that too.
---
Something has changed within me, something is not the same.
Jaejoong wonders if he likes the person he is now. Whether he hates the person who loved and wore his heart on his sleeves but had gotten incredibly hurt because of it, his heart thrown to the wolves and his soul left to bleed dry under the searing glare of the unforgiving moon, or does he hate the person who can’t love, can’t trust enough, seems a lot tougher, but in actual fact is an empty shell of the character that used to inhabit this void?
---
Sometimes he studies his arms, but doesn’t dare to look closely. He doesn’t want to find out if he can still find the scars. He has a nagging feeling he can, but he’s afraid to prove himself right. Sometimes he thinks it was right to let go of something that hurt his heart so much that he hurt himself just to feel a different kind of pain beyond the heartache because he was sick of it. He hated the heaviness and the numb that settled for everything else; he hated the feeling of being blind to every other thing beyond his loss and his pain and his Yunho.
Well, if that’s love, it comes at much too high a cost.
Other times, he just wants to run. No, not away - not anymore. He wants to run after his Yunho, his friend and lover too long lost. Beyond his heart hurting for a closure, his thoughts being filled with blood and tears and pain inflicted, he knows it was not closure he needs. Seconds, hours, days and months; time flies by but he is still stuck in the past, in his presence. The side of his arm misses the tingling warmth when he leaned against Yunho, the kitchen seems less welcoming with Yunho and God, wherever he is, it’s all kinds of wrong. Always wrong.
Too long I’ve been afraid of losing love I guess I’ve lost.
---
I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game.
One day he wakes up, finally tired of living in the past when everyone has already moved on.
He cooks himself an omelette and eats at the dining table for the first time in ages.
---
I’d sooner buy defying gravity.
Another day he musters enough courage to dial the digits; he calls him up and sets up a date at a restaurant they used to eat at.
---
They talk, they laugh and they avoid things that may ruin the comfortable atmosphere they have now because time is precious. Before they both know, it’s time to go.
It’s not the same, he smiles sadly.
They’ll never be able to go back to the way they were.
Kiss me goodbye, I’m defying gravity
---
“We did it wrong. Let me try,” Yunho’s voice over the phone is low, pleading.
“We can’t go back, Yunho - you know it, you were there.”
“Please.” Yunho breathes.
There is a silence interjected with the sound of their breathing, as Yunho waits and Jaejoong closes his eyes and his grip around the receiver tightens.
“Okay,” he whispers, “okay.”
It’s time to trust my instincts; close my eyes and leap.
---
They start out again, this time completely different. Give it a shot, Yunho says, because I can’t lose you. Dinner is at a restaurant they have never been to before, and they broach things that may ruin the atmosphere but need to be said, because it’s all or nothing and they either get it right or crash and burn. Surprisingly they laugh through the courses and flirt over dessert.
Jaejoong says nothing as Yunho catches his hand on the way home, both mentioning they prefer to walk but neither acknowledges that it is to spend more time together.
But till I try, I’ll never know.
---
Love comes and goes, but it never dies and sometimes it leaves a seed for the brave to find - to nurture till it blooms again.
♥♥♥
A/N: I don’t know why I’m so depressed right now D: My heart feels heavy and I had to articulate. Sorry if I made you down too =( I thought ‘Defying Gravity’ connects a little with the emotions I was feeling. I know the story behind the song isn’t like this, but this is more of a twist to it, and I’m only using some of the lyrics sooooooo.. forgive me!