Message In The Frost
Title: Message In The Frost
Pairings: OT5
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own nothing till I actually get to see them together. Hell, I've never even been to a FIVE concert!
Word Count: 2418
Summary: Christmas draws near. And their debut anniversary, too. None of JaeChunSu forgets. And Jaejoong finds out that HoMin doesn't forget either.
♥♥♥
It's been such a long time since they've been together. The days get chillier, and yet Jaejoong's heart gets even more jumpy than usual, thumping very audibly to his own ears. He wonders if everyone else can hear it too, when he's in the same room, because now, in the silence of the room, with only the soft mechanical hum of the computer systems, it sounds like irregular drum beats to him.
It's nothing, he says in his head, and pointedly to his disobedient heart. It beats out-of-tune for a split-second, and he can only imagine it snarling back at him. Nothing, he tried out in his head again. A slight frown marred his forehead at the chiding answer in his head.
Even you know that is a lie, Jaejoong.
He almost growls in frustration. It knows something he doesn't, and no, he doesn't know. Contrary to popular belief, he doesn't. There is no snarky reply, and he holds back a grumble at his stubborn head. Or maybe it's his heart, because he isn't sure. It definitely knows what he doesn't, but it isn't telling. Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn and stupid. He just wished it would let up already. Aren't I supposed to be your master, he wondered, and if that was the case, why was he being tormented by the parts of his body that he supposedly had control over?
A defeated sigh escapes him, and he sinks into the chair in front of the computer. Yes, he's going to ignore the suddenly silent voice in his head and stop wondering what he missed. And yes, he does not glare at the monitor that seems to be too bright and almost mocking and he does not think why. And
"Aish!", he smacks his own forehead with his palm and shakes his head to clear it, because he was thinking, unsurprisingly. "Best get to work...", he muttered. The voice was suddenly back, suddenly agreeing with him, albeit in a fashion he didn't appreciate. Yes, before you start killing your brain cells trying to figure out something you can't.
Another sigh. But he conceded, and watched the pointer move across the screen as he pulled up all the programmes he needed to get started. That is, if he does get started. He doesn't understand the dry spell he's going through, what with tinkering at the piano for almost 6 hours and not having a single melody run through his mind, not building up even a stanza. It's frustrating, but it can't be helped. Oddly though, it seemed rather inexplicably important that he was here tonight, even with the degree of success (or rather, lack thereof) that he had been having. It was a gut feeling, a hunch, and he had learned to follow all of its whims because it had never led him astray. But having dragged himself out of the bed, away from the sleep he needed and sitting in his chair with all the familiar programme windows gleaming in his face, he vaguely wondered if there would ever be a first for his instincts to lead him the wrong direction and whether this was it.
---
Oh yeah, the dry spell? It's continuing, no thanks to you, he heard himself berating his never-failing instincts. No, scratch that, more like starting-to-fail, he thought unhappily to himself. He didn't bother holding back a yawn, his hand coming up to cover the expanse of his mouth and his eyes watering from the strength of his exhaustion. He had been attacking the keyboard for, his eyes turned to the time display at the bottom of the screen, almost 4 hours now. And, surprise, surprise. Nothing. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the back of his chair, the headphone cord catching under the keyboard and slightly limiting his movement. He scooted closer to the machine at the restriction.
Oh well, no point going to sleep when I have to be up in an hour.
Closing all the programmes, he pulled up an internet browser window and looked through the news, his heart clenching at the plight of Thailand, an onslaught of tears threatening, stinging at the corner of his eyes. Our fans, our Cassiopeia, their families... God, we're not doing enough. And he knew, that people were saying that they were kind, they willingly donated the 6 hundred million won in aid, but how could this be something kind, if it wasn't enough to get them out of this state, and this is family they're talking about? He just wished he could do more. He needed to. And he'd bring it up at breakfast when Chun and Su have woken up from their slumber, so they'd be able to think of something together.
As was becoming habit, he went on to check on his other two band mates, who were miles away, sending silent thanks to the inventor of fibre optical technology and the scientists who started the prototype of the internet. He had been unbearably hurt when the two had made a comeback without them, all of them had been; Su had been inconsolable. He'd even voiced his disappointment in a tweet, gaining several repercussions, and walked out of a press conference when asked about it. If he thought about it, he could understand. Yunho had been more than his leader, more than their leader. The man had been their sun; they had looked up to him every single moment of the day, and even when night fell, they continued to look forward to the rising of the sun, because they had faith in the sun which rose every single dawn, and never failed, never let them down.
And it wasn't to say that he had. He still hasn't and won't. Jae was sure he had had no choice over the acknowledgements in the first album they had released as HoMin. It had taken awhile to look beyond the hurt and disappointment of this initial... misunderstanding, but he did. They all did. When they sorted out their feelings cautiously and scrutinised them, it had been a hope for all five to move forward that had overrode all the other emotions clamoring for attention. It was a realisation that if they put aside the betrayed feelings they had at the beginning, it was really the best case-scenario they could hope for in this circumstance. They wanted HoMin to be able to sing, to act, and to do everything they wanted. Just like they had said, it isn't about the name TVXQ!, because they were the epitome of the name, and only when the five of them are together, is the legacy of TVXQ! fulfilled. The words two stages, one TVXQ! made him smile at his Cassiopeia's faith and ingenuity, but they were only half-right. One TVXQ!, but still one stage. It's like a time for solos, for each of them to step under the light and shine, much like Wild Soul, like Checkmate, like One Last Cry, like Xiahtic, like Maze. And when they stepped together again, they shine a totally different light as one and as five, all at the same time.
And till that day, he'd gladly wait.
But sometimes it gets hard, like around now. Nearing Christmas, nearing their debut day, except it's 2011, and that was back in 2003. And it gets hard, like when he knows HoMin has got Tone coming up. His head might know it, but his heart... Let's just settle for saying his heart might need some more time to get used to it. Yet, it doesn't stop him from going through all their news and activities and their songs, because he loves them, and they're all a part of him, just like he is a part of them. He hopes, his slightly rattled faith coming to whisper at the back of his mind. Dismissing it, he played the next and last song on the album, determined to listen to it before the two in the next room awoke. And the tune at Christmas, because it was Christmas, reminding him a little too much of Hug, drifted into his ears, and HoMin's voices joined the mix in a while.
His eyes misted over, and he thought he'd misheard. He hoped it wasn't, but at the same time, he hoped he did. Because what if he filled himself turgid with hope, and it was just a coincidental mistake on Yunho's part and an over-hopeful over-analysis on his part? He wouldn't want to face the disappointment and hurt that came along when his heart came crashing down from its wild thumping in his ribcage, like now. He just couldn't.
But he couldn't control the hand on the mouse from moving the pointer across the screen. He pulled up the volume control window and increased the volume, then stared almost blindly at the screen while his hands reached up to press the foam cushions to his ears in an effort to bring the voices penetrating through the device closer to his ears.
And he listened, to every ending of the word, palms not leaving the sides of his headphones, not speeding through the song in case he missed something, almost holding his breath every time the music came close to the word he looked for. The first playback finished too soon, and the music player dived into a second, in an endless repeat of the song. That, too, finished, and his heart sank. There was a distinct hiss, the enunciation of an 's' at the end of every 'rose'.
Well, that clears it up.
But while it did, he could do nothing to stop his heart from sinking, could do nothing to salvage it as it sunk, like a leaden anchor into the murky depths of an ocean that wasn't his favourite red. He knew it wouldn't have been, that he must have misheard it, in his desperation, his hope, his... whatever that was there, waiting for something. For that one instant, his heart had leaped in its confines, even as his head had moved to try and squash the thought.
Because for a while back there, he had thought he heard Yunho voicing love.
Winter Love.
And all of the times they had sung 'Love In The Ice' had come rushing back to the front of his head, that one time where it had been Five In The Black triumphing above all the other images. And it had felt like Yunho was saying "it's always been the five of us."
And hug, hugging even the times we were apart~
"Always together, like at the start, at Hug. Even now."
Because we should be able to believe in our love~
"Just like we have always believed in our dreams, in one another."
We can even share our loneliness in our hearts~
"Because no one else knows, but we've never truly been apart."
Please forgive this day~
"Even so, forgive me for the times I haven't been beside you."
No more tears, no more lies, tonight shall be the time our happiness would be rewarded~
"Don't cry any more, keep believing that we will be back with one another soon."
We are strongly tied together so strongly~
"You cannot doubt because isn't all we have the best proof, and the times we were together our guarantee?"
Close to heart, close to your love~
"And I've always heard you, I've always been here, and I've never left."
Winter rose~
"from the time we found this love in the midst of winter."
Winter rose.
He shut his eyes against the torrent of emotions, against the hot, hot tears building up behind his eyelids, the ache in his chest too real to be something that isn't physical in nature. He drove his teeth harshly into his lower lip, almost breaking skin, but the pain a welcome distraction from the new wave of heavy, leaden sorrow that is spreading from his chest. Oh god, Yun..
'Winter rose,' he whispered to himself, testing the sound of it on his lips, on his tongue.
'Winter ro '
His eyes widened in disbelief at the realisation, his breath robbed by the discovery. And even as his lungs fought for a taste of the atmospheric air, he didn't notice it till his sobs started, his tears falling unceremoniously on his pants as he sat, unwilling and unable to stop the build-up of his sobs from wrecking his entire frame.
Winter Rose...
Winter Rose in the tune and melody of Proud.
Proud of your love.
He leaned forward, letting his forehead rest on the cool surface of the computer desk, Yunho's and Changmin's voices intertwining with each other, weaving a message, sending it over sound waves to the world, that only a few could decipher.
'God, Yun... Min... Me too... Me too.' He whispered insistently to the same keyboard that was catching his tears, as if it could carry his words to the other two, his voice gaining conviction as he repeated the last sentence, over and over.
When he finally lifted his head, he decided he must have looked a sight, his eyes bloodshot and his cheeks tear-stained, but his heart. God, his heart was bursting with emotions larger than his very soul and his lips were curved in a watery smile.
'Proud of your love, too', his voice cracked a little from the disuse and the emotional turmoil of being clamped up for so long, but it didn't matter. Because he was proud. And after so long, he could finally be sure that they were, too. And it means so much, because " 'Proud' means to be together till the end, right?", he had once said, and it does mean that, and they are all together in this.
Wiping his eyes on the back of his hand, he pushed himself out of the chair, almost tripping in his excitement to wake the other two up. The thought before he reached the room teased him, and he couldn't hold back on the goofy grin he knew his lips were curved in now. Because, well, his heart had known something he hadn't and his instincts hadn't failed him, after all.
And isn't ever going to, don't forget that. The voice in his head scolded him half-heartedly, if its pleased tone was anything to go by.
He jumped on the two sleeping figures under the blankets, waking them not at all quietly, smiling like it was Christmas morning. Because he had already gotten his Christmas present from two others a little farther down the stage.
♥♥♥
A/N: There, my first ever fiction(: Please leave comments so I can improve! To all you Cassies out there, this is my semblance of faith and belief in the boys, in the five. And I hope you guys will always keep the faith, continue keeping it because they're having a tough time and all the more we need to be strong~