Less

Mar 23, 2012 10:01


Title: Less
Pairing: YunJae
Rating: PG
Word Count: 2969
Disclaimer: Don’t own anything.

Summary: Sometimes, all it takes is a sister’s boyfriend to see how right he really is.

♥♥♥

He loves his older sister, but there is no denying that he has always felt overpowered, overshadowed by her. According to their parents, nothing he does is ever just right, or as brilliant. To teachers, he is never as sociable, never as eloquent. Never as good, never as determined and never as well-liked. He never dresses up well enough, is never thoughtful enough and is never as good.
He’s always…

Less.

---

When said older sister brings home a friend from college one day - and said friend takes his breath away - he finds himself wishing that he was her, that he could be like her, that he was more. More than ever, that is.

---

It’s unspoken, and Jaejoong doesn’t need to look to be able to tell that his sister is in love. It’s in her eyes when she looks at her school mate.

Yunho, Jaejoong tries in his head.

It sounds perfect, just its owner - with his gorgeous spiked brown hair and charming smile.

They look perfect together, Yunho and his sister. It’s like a picture-perfect image, Jaejoong has to admit. Or rather, can’t deny.

He has to look away because it’s too beautiful a picture.

But it’s not his eyes that hurt; it’s his heart.

---

It hurts.

But he couldn’t - and can’t - make himself stay away. So he sits, quietly, at the table, his eyes following their movements and taking in the seamless manner they seem to work in as the two concentrate on the task of setting out food and utensils.

“…Jaejoong?”

He startles a little and his breath catches when he looks into impossibly warm brown eyes. A chuckle escapes Yunho and Jaejoong’s eyes are drawn to the grin, but he averts his eyes and manages to hum questioningly, not trusting his voice.

“You’re so cute,” Yunho comments affectionately, smilingly handing him a pair of wooden chopsticks now that his attention has been garnered.

Jaejoong nods in thanks and digs into the takeaway carton containing noodles, praying that the two others don’t see the blush that is spreading across his face, but unable to ignore the warmth seeping through him as he eats.

---

Jaejoong wonders why he sets himself up for heartbreak like this.

He tells himself that it’s so he is able to get over Yunho - that he needs this and these feelings will go.

His expression is grim as he remembers the conversation between him and his sister-

“Will you ask Yunho to tutor me in math?” he pressed.

“Why? Can’t you ask someone else?” his sister frowned a little unhappily, perhaps worried about having less time to spend with Yunho if he had to tutor her little brother.

“Oh, I’ll ask him myself then,” Jaejoong answered, the words - ‘I won’t take up too much of his time’ - unsaid but hurting his heart in an odd way all the same.

“-do you get it?” Yunho’s eyebrows are raised expectantly, and Jaejoong realises, too late, that he just zoned out on his tutor. His eyes shift sideways as he bites his lip, guilt crossing his features. “I’m sorry, I… My mind was elsewhere.” Jaejoong admits, a little hesitantly.

Yunho purses his lips and frowns a little, thrusting his face a little closer to Jaejoong’s to search the latter’s, “Hey, you okay? You don’t look too well.”

No, I’m not. Not when you’re so close to me.

Jaejoong holds back a flinch and leans back before he answers because he doesn’t think he can handle having Jung Yunho’s face so near to his and thinking at the same time. “Yes, I’m okay.” The answer sounds almost feverishly breathless to his own ears as he tries to calm his thumping heart.

He realises with rising dread that these feelings are not going away.

Instead, they’re growing.

---

Jaejoong watches as his sister leaves for school, taking in her sundress and her low heels.

She’s gorgeous, he thinks.

He doesn’t miss how she has been dressing up more and more when she goes to school. Sure, she has always been presentable when it comes to going to school, but recently, she has been taking more care with her appearance, spending longer in the bathroom and at her vanity.

Jaejoong sinks further into the couch, wanting to be swallowed by the sea of cushions and pillows he brought down from his room because he thinks he knows the cause of his sister’s change in behaviour, and doesn’t bother denying the sinking feeling in his stomach when he thinks that there’s no red-blooded man who will not fall in love.

---

Too close. Too hot.

Too much Yunho.

Jaejoong nearly meeps as their denim-clad sides brush in the cramped booth.

He doesn’t know whether or not to be happy that by some stroke of genius on God’s part, they are now sitting side-by-side at the table. Earlier on when the bunch of giggling high school girls entered the crowded shop, Yunho offered half the booth to them, his thoughtful gesture immediately lighting up all four initially-disappointed faces. It was such a kind move on Yunho’s part that Jaejoong couldn’t help smiling proudly in the moment.

But when Yunho goes to buy ice-cream for the both of them (‘You passed math! We must celebrate!’, Yunho insists), and the girls gossip not-too-quietly about the former’s good looks in said man’s absence, Jaejoong is unable to keep the annoyance off his face.

One more giggle, and I’ll-

Another high-pitched lovesick titter floated to his ears and Jaejoong looks up to catch sight of crinkled eyes and blushing cheeks and stolen nervous glances at the man beside him. He’s sure - absolutely sure - that under normal circumstance, it’s a bearable sight, but unfortunately, just not in his current state of mind. He narrows his eyes in disgust and lets his impulsive side take over for a minute, wraps his fingers around his paper cup of vanilla ice-cream and grabs Yunho’s hand with his other hand simultaneously. Leaning over Yunho - and entirely convincing himself that he missed the surprise on Yunho’s face - he (admittedly) hisses an ‘excuse me’ to the uniformed girl. The latter scrambles out to stand awkwardly beside the table quickly (and Jaejoong doesn’t want to find out what kind of expression he was sporting to elicit a response like that) as he half-yanks-half-pushes Yunho out of the booth.

He doesn’t realise where he’s heading in his agitation, only the brief ring of the bell on the door as it’s pushed open and granite pavements registering in his head. It’s a while before he realises that his hand is still clasped around Yunho’s and he’s dragging the latter around - though Yunho’s probably having an easy time keeping up with his long, long legs. He stops abruptly and turns around, dropping Yunho’s hand like he’s burned, the latter almost knocking into him from the inertia.

Jaejoong sputters, blushing from the proximity as he takes a step back, “I... Erm...  Sorry?” He doesn’t know what to say and what he’s apologising for, or why the word came out as a question, but everything is rambled and he-

“Your ice-cream is melting,” Yunho notes easily, an amused smile playing on his lips.

“Oh.” He looks down at the white creamy lump in his cup, before realising that Yunho has started walking down the street, and he takes a few hurried steps to catch up.

Jealous, a voice that sounds suspiciously like Yoochun’s taunts in a lewd and self-satisfied manner in his head.

---

“What?” Yoochun asks, a little defensively (and he begs pardon for sounding so because he swears this is provoked) after a rather long period of withstanding Jaejoong’s glare.

Seriously, everyone who thinks this guy’s eyes are pretty is just very deceived.

...okay, maybe they’re not, just that they haven’t had the liberty of seeing Kim Jaejoong’s glare, Yoochun allows, albeit a little reluctantly.

Jaejoong raises an eyebrow at him and he shrugs in response, “what?”, he repeats, “I just don’t see anything wrong with this. And forgive me because someone was giggling like an irritating school girl-“ Yoochun notices that Jaejoong flinches at that part of his words and files that away in his head for interrogation a later time, “-and he’s so obviously into you too. Get together and just get rid of all this sexual tension I see!”, he hisses the last parts.

Jaejoong is silent and Yoochun knows he has to give his stubborn friend some time to process and accept this, but doesn’t resist adding, “It’s not like they’re dating, y’know?”

---

“Yunho, I don’t think I’ll be needing any more help with math. Thank you for all your tutoring up till now, I’ve learned a lot and I have you to thank.” He says to the other man as he slides the chocolate (just one last little gift, he tells himself) across the table to nudge Yunho’s.

As much as he enjoys the time with Yunho, it’s not something he can live with if he allows himself to continue doing it when his sister is in such bliss-

“Sis, are you dating Yunho?” he had to know, even with the painful thudding of his heart in his ribcage, he knew it was something he had to come to face eventually.

She hummed in reply and her face- God, her face looked so incredibly joyful that Jaejoong had to look away to hide his own agonised one-

He looks up to see a tight smile across Yunho’s face and something in his eyes he doesn’t get, and isn’t sure he wants to get.

Was he mistaken? Or was there wistfulness in them?

---

“I can’t.”

He tears his eyes away from the hand that Yunho holds in his own, but doesn’t pull said hand away from the warmth. Selfishly so. But just a moment more, he thinks, just one.

He looks up, knowing he has to, at the hurt and rejection and pain swirling in the other’s eyes, feeling all the resounding emotions bubble and swell in his chest and almost takes a step back. The force of all the emotions in Yunho’s eyes compels him to remove his hand from the former - he can’t afford to be selfish anymore, not a moment more; there’s more than just the two of them wrapped up in this complicated mess of feelings.

“I can’t when I know it’s her I’ll hurt.” He whispers, closing his eyes and shaking his head insistently. He doesn’t know whether he’s desperately trying to convince Yunho or himself. That he doesn’t want this, can’t do this and didn’t just respond when Yunho kissed his own all-too-pliant lips. He feels a little resentment towards Yunho for being able to cheat so easily, and on his own sister, no less - but he detests himself even more for enjoying it, and for that, he’s just as much of a cheater, if not more - because it’s his sister, after all.

The guilt is there from the moment their lips parted, but the tears didn’t fall until he turns around the corner to a corridor that’s deserted, the sounds of his own footfalls echoing in his ears but not masking the sound of his own heart breaking.

---

His hands run up and down his sister’s back in a comforting gesture as her cries subsided to occasional sniffles that filled the air. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I’m sorry.”

Jaejoong freezes over at the apology that came from his sister, dread flooding his entire body as he stares at his sister, trying to keep the horror off his features. Does she know about the kiss?

“I know…” She bites her lower lip before continuing, and in that one moment Jaejoong holds his breath, waiting for imminent judgment but not sure what to expect.

“I know that you like him-”

“There’s nothing between us!” Jaejoong cuts in, trying to assure his sister, his voice rising in pitch due to his guilt and desperation. She holds up a hand, and continues, “Shhh, let me finish. I need to say this before I lose the courage.” Jaejoong nods wordlessly in apprehension and she sighs before she speaks again.

“…I just couldn’t stow my feelings for him away… Even after he rejected me, even after he told me that he only treated me like a friend, I just couldn’t. I know you thought that we were going out, but we weren’t. And knowing that he likes you too made everything so much harder, and the lies just came tumbling out. Before I knew it, I couldn’t stop because it was such a mess and I was afraid. So afraid to own up to everything I did until it was too late, until I saw you hurting. I’m sorry, Jaejoong.”

“But…” Jaejoong is at a loss for words, “...why?”

His sister laughs. A little bitterly, Jaejoong thinks.

“Don’t you know why?” Jaejoong blinks at the unexpected question, unable to come up with a coherent response to it in his mind.

His sister sighs heavily, taking one of Jaejoong’s hands in her own and fidgets with it.

“Can’t you see, Jae? You’re everything I want to be.”

---

He sits on it another few days, agonising, neither able to forget the turmoil and hurt that he remembers being on Yunho’s face nor the pain of unrequited love that was on his sister’s face. And the two pieces of memory war within him, keeping him teetering on a balance - leaning towards one side at times and the opposite the rest of the times - but hindering him entirely from making a decision properly.

---

“It’s okay, Jae.”

Jaejoong’s head snaps up from the food he was pretending to focus on at the dining table, his eyes wide open and the whites around his pupils visible as he stares in stunned silence.

“We never had anything in the first place,” she smiles sadly. “It was all one-sided affection on my part.”

And Jaejoong sees - beyond all the brilliance and glamour and perfection that is his sister - she is just like him. Seeking love in places, seeking to be more.

Jaejoong doesn’t think he has to be less this time round, nor does he think his sister has to be the more every time, as he rounds the table to wrap arms around her trembling shoulders.

---

It isn’t until Jaejoong, with Yoochun in tow, spots Yunho at the library’s entrance that they meet again.

Jaejoong halts in his step, raises a hand to wave, opens his mouth to call out, but he pauses, unsure of what to say after, unsure of the appropriate response to a person he’s sure he has fallen in love with and still loves but rejected.

Yunho saves him from the trouble when he turns his head and their eyes meet. The man seems as shocked as he was just a moment ago, but recovers enough to replace the raised eyebrows with a smile. He waves, and Jaejoong smiles, returning the gesture.

“Well, I’ll see you around.” Yunho steps away with a tilt of his head, and Jaejoong stares, quite forlornly, after him walking off. Yoochun slaps the back of his head lightly, “Wipe your drool and confess already!”

He rubs his head, remembering the sadness in Yunho’s eyes that the smile couldn’t take away, and replies his best friend softly, “Yeah, it’s about time, isn’t it?”

---

“Sometimes I just don’t get it.” Jaejoong muses, lacing his fingers with Yunho’s, snuggling further into his boyfriend’s side. Yunho hums uncommitmentally in response, eyes still glued to the television set.

“Mm...I mean...” Jaejoong frowns a little, trailing off because he doesn’t know how to put all the thoughts into words, how even though sometimes he thinks he doesn’t have his sibling on a pedestal anymore, he doesn’t know how exactly to put all the years of insecurities behind him.

Yunho, realising that Jaejoong stopped mid-speech, finally tears his eyes from the television screen to turn and look down at Jaejoong questioningly.

He feels Yunho’s gaze on his face, his open scrutiny warming Jaejoong’s face, and shifts uncomfortably in his position, avoiding Yunho’s eyes as he struggles with the words. “It’s just...weird, you know…?”

By some miracle Yunho catches on, knows exactly what he’s talking about. “You’re just right,” Yunho murmurs, “And I love you like this,” pressing a short, chaste kiss to Jaejoong’s lips. “Just like this,” Yunho breathes against his lips when they part, forehead lightly touching his. He lets his eyes fill with the entirety of the emotions for the other, the weight of his feelings for Jaejoong, hoping it conveys the message he wants to tell - I love you, I love everything about you, I won’t ever stop loving everything about you, you’re enough, more than enough - because even though they haven’t known each other that long and they’ve dated for an even shorter time, everything about Jaejoong draws him in like a moth to a flame; he was first enchanted by his beauty, blinded by his glow but after all he’s learned about Jaejoong in the months they’ve been together, there’s no way he’ll ever leave from the gentle warmth that Jaejoong emits and offers him - no, he’s pretty sure he’ll die before that happens, and he trusts Jaejoong with his heart and he trusts him not to burn him.

Jaejoong’s fingers tighten around Yunho’s own, and Yunho thinks Jaejoong might have just understood what he was trying to say, even if wordlessly.

And as Yunho wraps his arms around him and pulls him closer, Jaejoong thinks, over the buzzing in his ears from the onslaught of Yunho’s lips, that he isn’t, but as the ‘I love you’s tumble from Yunho’s lips, he thinks he might just believe he isn’t less either - not anymore.

♥♥♥
A/N: For anyone out there who might think that they are not good enough ^^ I hope you guys enjoy it!

genre: romance, title: less, genre: angst, length: oneshot, pairing: yunjae, genre: fluff

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