The Life and Times
It's been an age since I've updated here. It's difficult at best to detail the things that have occurred in the last 27(!) weeks, but I'll do my best in a series of cuts.
Health
So I've been on the Zoloft since I last wrote in my journal. For the most part the effects have leveled off. Despite the fact that my memory is horrid and that I feel a distinct sense of ADD when I'm doing most anything, my anxiety levels are generally manageable and (knock on wood) I haven't had a panic attack since starting the drug. There are a couple of lasting effects that occasionally trouble me, but not to the level of my original anxiety. All in all, I feel much better.
In addition to that, I went through a battery of testing to determine that, yes, I do indeed have sleep apnea and, yes, it is indeed pretty severe. To the point they actually recommend reconstructive jaw surgery. No joke. But fortunately there's an alternative (if annoying) solution - CPAP. It basically blows air down my throat to keep it stinted open. It's not altogether pleasant, but after you get used to breathing against it, suddenly sleeping seems a lot more desirable. Where I used to have very vivid, very memorable and often very frightening dreams, I now feel a much stronger sense of relaxation. It's only been a few days since I've really been able to sleep with it, but the sleep that I'm getting is far more worthwhile than I've had in the last... at least 10 years. (As an additional note, sleep apnea contributes to high blood pressure, heart disease, anxiety problems (!), and acid reflux (!), all of which it's fair to say were experienced by my father. It now seems likely this may have largely contributed to his death.)
Finally, the dizziness. I wish I could say it's gone away but it hasn't. I was diagnosed as having an inner-ear weakness and prescribed a few weeks of physical therapy. This did noticeably help, I felt generally better and more capable and consequently stopped doing the exercises taught to me. Unfortunately, recently it's come back with quite a bit of force - naturally, I'm concerned it's something other than the original problem. But my ENT doc's sense is that this sort of thing is basically permanent and will ebb and flow over time. ... Awesome. Well, so long as it's that and not a serious brain disorder I guess I can basically cope, but it does cut down on my ability to work - attention is hit pretty hard and my ability to focus on the screen with my eyes is very questionable. Apparently, vertigo disorders also tie directly into anxiety disorders for reasons unbeknownst - go fig?
Love
I'm not actually sure I ever mentioned it on this journal, but I had a boyfriend (segremores) for about two years up until a couple of months ago (following FC). We broke up on generally good terms, but it's been a bit of a trial. The relationship itself was largely an experiment for me - Segremores (Remi) is a very different person, and despite that we got along on friendly terms most of the time there were often distinct, difficult to reconcile issues between us. Remi's sense of things was that the relationship wasn't what he was looking for - he always felt there was another hill to push me over, another issue to get me past. I'm not sure I felt the same but god knows this past year has been one of the most trying times of my life. Just the same, he found a better match in someone else (coincidentally enough my new roommate) and things seem to be going alright for them.
We'll see how the future progress. Naturally, me being me, I've got my sights set on a number of crushes I've held over the years, but part of me certainly thinks this isn't the right time to jump into a relationship. I've never been sure how to numerate what it is I seek in a mate - a sense of belonging certainly, but how do you deal with someone like me. I'm complex: sex is never an easy road when I'm involved. I'm pretty heavily porn-addicted due to this furry fetish and the few fetishes I enjoy in real life aren't the sorts of things most people are inclined to likewise enjoy. But even past sex, I look for someone who can excite me mentally and knows all the right ways to trip my sense of humor; someone with a desire to experience new things and isn't afraid to be wrong every once in a while (or isn't afraid when I am!) Certainly these are universal truths but that doesn't make the matter any easier.
Things n' Stuff
Oh good GRAVY the things that I've bought over the past few months. I'm not sure I can enumerate em all but I'll try:
1.) New computer barebones system. My old Shuttle died (came up to find it had smoked out my room). Turns out they used those fucking chinese rip-off capacitors. Due to warranty expiration and design constraints, I ended up being forced to buy a completely new barebones system. In parallel I purchased a pair of 1 TB harddrives (running in RAID 1 for backup), and a pair of 2 GB sticks of DDR (now totaling 8 GB). After turning off the page file (since evidently windows will automatically recommend a page file of your RAM + 300 MB for what is no discernibly good reason), Vista now flies.
2.) Acer Aspire One in pink. Awfully cute little thing. I had the intention of covering it in glittery/holographic stickers like the kind you'd find at a roller rink. That never came to pass. Unfortunately, after futzing about with the operating system (Mac/Linux/Win7) and the wireless card multiple times, I came to the conclusion that the wifi card in my model is bunk except with a very specific driver revision on windows XP, and even then there's no guarantee of success. Limited in my available options in what was essentially a project laptop, it quickly lost my interest (especially in favor of newer, bigger-screened variants). It now languishes on my floor in search of a new owner ($150-200 anyone?)
3.) Sony Vaio P. Indeed, after my Aspire One lost favor it was only a matter of time until I was struck by the wiles of another laptop's sweet curves. In this case, the smallest usable keyboard on a laptop with a resolution far greater than any laptop this size should have. It's a fantastic piece of kit save one element - the graphics are garbage. Unfortunately, it appears almost any netbook based on the intel Z520/Z530 atoms will use this MID-designed chipset (Dell Mini 12, Mini 10, Fujitsu U10... something, etc.). There's a distinct lack of support from the Intel side of things because this is the product of a purchased power VR-based core - it doesn't adhere to any prior intel graphics specification. It does, however, theoretically accelerate up to 1080p video. On vista, the poor little thing hardly holds its own - on Win7 it does pretty decent. Here's hoping intel gets off their asses. Not to mention Ubuntu!
4.) Hamilton Beach Drinkmaster. This is an unfortunately difficult to find little device but a fairly simple one - it makes nice malts/milkshakes/mixed drinks, etc. It does not blend so nothing too hard can go in, but it does a fantastic job of making our muscle milk drinks.
5.) Tokyoflash Heko watch. This guy's awesome. Slightly complex to read, but wonderfully classy and different. The reflection illusion is downright solid - that's glass over the additional LEDs. Heartily recommended, especially at that price.
6.) A whole SLEW of CDs, which I decided (prompted by my necessitated reformat) to rip in lossless. In fact I ripped EVERYTHING in lossless. And it's awesome. And I recommend it.
7.) A new bag (custom made, ordered on etsy) for my laptop and camera. It's kinda fantastic. And gay.
8.) New shoes. They almost fit!
9.) Cronocrome. Buy this. They DO sell it to US customers and their AC adaptor IS UL listed for US use. Just email if need be. But buy it. It's absolutely marvelous.
10.) For christmas I got: a.) An Axon Racer starter kit. It's in need of some parts. b.) A Canon 50mm f/1.4 USM lens. It takes some fantastic pics!
Other Happenings
A few more miscellaneous tidbits and then I'll leave you (my dear reader) be.
First off, we got a new roommate. He's small but he eats a lot and man, does he stay in his room. It's kinda unfortunate too - really wish he'd come up n' play games more often. As I said above he's now attached (at the hip) to my ex.
Next, I got a pet snake in November: a coastal Rosy Boa I've named Asparagus. This is the first time I've ever had my own pet - typically I'd end up wanting a pet and my parent(s) ended up taking care of it. He (She?) seems to be doing alright though, and he's an awfully cute little thing. Complete sweetheart - I've only had him jump at me once and that was because he was in eating mode.
FC was good times. Met a lot of new folks, met up with a lot of old ones. Resolved some conflicts, created new ones. Pretty solid all around. I DO plan on being at AC, for those who care to plan accordingly!
Finally, the economy kinda plummeted. Yeah, saw that coming a mile away. This affects most everything but especially my job. Things are now quite tense.
And that's that!
Health
So I've been on the Zoloft since I last wrote in my journal. For the most part the effects have leveled off. Despite the fact that my memory is horrid and that I feel a distinct sense of ADD when I'm doing most anything, my anxiety levels are generally manageable and (knock on wood) I haven't had a panic attack since starting the drug. There are a couple of lasting effects that occasionally trouble me, but not to the level of my original anxiety. All in all, I feel much better.
In addition to that, I went through a battery of testing to determine that, yes, I do indeed have sleep apnea and, yes, it is indeed pretty severe. To the point they actually recommend reconstructive jaw surgery. No joke. But fortunately there's an alternative (if annoying) solution - CPAP. It basically blows air down my throat to keep it stinted open. It's not altogether pleasant, but after you get used to breathing against it, suddenly sleeping seems a lot more desirable. Where I used to have very vivid, very memorable and often very frightening dreams, I now feel a much stronger sense of relaxation. It's only been a few days since I've really been able to sleep with it, but the sleep that I'm getting is far more worthwhile than I've had in the last... at least 10 years. (As an additional note, sleep apnea contributes to high blood pressure, heart disease, anxiety problems (!), and acid reflux (!), all of which it's fair to say were experienced by my father. It now seems likely this may have largely contributed to his death.)
Finally, the dizziness. I wish I could say it's gone away but it hasn't. I was diagnosed as having an inner-ear weakness and prescribed a few weeks of physical therapy. This did noticeably help, I felt generally better and more capable and consequently stopped doing the exercises taught to me. Unfortunately, recently it's come back with quite a bit of force - naturally, I'm concerned it's something other than the original problem. But my ENT doc's sense is that this sort of thing is basically permanent and will ebb and flow over time. ... Awesome. Well, so long as it's that and not a serious brain disorder I guess I can basically cope, but it does cut down on my ability to work - attention is hit pretty hard and my ability to focus on the screen with my eyes is very questionable. Apparently, vertigo disorders also tie directly into anxiety disorders for reasons unbeknownst - go fig?
Love
I'm not actually sure I ever mentioned it on this journal, but I had a boyfriend (segremores) for about two years up until a couple of months ago (following FC). We broke up on generally good terms, but it's been a bit of a trial. The relationship itself was largely an experiment for me - Segremores (Remi) is a very different person, and despite that we got along on friendly terms most of the time there were often distinct, difficult to reconcile issues between us. Remi's sense of things was that the relationship wasn't what he was looking for - he always felt there was another hill to push me over, another issue to get me past. I'm not sure I felt the same but god knows this past year has been one of the most trying times of my life. Just the same, he found a better match in someone else (coincidentally enough my new roommate) and things seem to be going alright for them.
We'll see how the future progress. Naturally, me being me, I've got my sights set on a number of crushes I've held over the years, but part of me certainly thinks this isn't the right time to jump into a relationship. I've never been sure how to numerate what it is I seek in a mate - a sense of belonging certainly, but how do you deal with someone like me. I'm complex: sex is never an easy road when I'm involved. I'm pretty heavily porn-addicted due to this furry fetish and the few fetishes I enjoy in real life aren't the sorts of things most people are inclined to likewise enjoy. But even past sex, I look for someone who can excite me mentally and knows all the right ways to trip my sense of humor; someone with a desire to experience new things and isn't afraid to be wrong every once in a while (or isn't afraid when I am!) Certainly these are universal truths but that doesn't make the matter any easier.
Things n' Stuff
Oh good GRAVY the things that I've bought over the past few months. I'm not sure I can enumerate em all but I'll try:
1.) New computer barebones system. My old Shuttle died (came up to find it had smoked out my room). Turns out they used those fucking chinese rip-off capacitors. Due to warranty expiration and design constraints, I ended up being forced to buy a completely new barebones system. In parallel I purchased a pair of 1 TB harddrives (running in RAID 1 for backup), and a pair of 2 GB sticks of DDR (now totaling 8 GB). After turning off the page file (since evidently windows will automatically recommend a page file of your RAM + 300 MB for what is no discernibly good reason), Vista now flies.
2.) Acer Aspire One in pink. Awfully cute little thing. I had the intention of covering it in glittery/holographic stickers like the kind you'd find at a roller rink. That never came to pass. Unfortunately, after futzing about with the operating system (Mac/Linux/Win7) and the wireless card multiple times, I came to the conclusion that the wifi card in my model is bunk except with a very specific driver revision on windows XP, and even then there's no guarantee of success. Limited in my available options in what was essentially a project laptop, it quickly lost my interest (especially in favor of newer, bigger-screened variants). It now languishes on my floor in search of a new owner ($150-200 anyone?)
3.) Sony Vaio P. Indeed, after my Aspire One lost favor it was only a matter of time until I was struck by the wiles of another laptop's sweet curves. In this case, the smallest usable keyboard on a laptop with a resolution far greater than any laptop this size should have. It's a fantastic piece of kit save one element - the graphics are garbage. Unfortunately, it appears almost any netbook based on the intel Z520/Z530 atoms will use this MID-designed chipset (Dell Mini 12, Mini 10, Fujitsu U10... something, etc.). There's a distinct lack of support from the Intel side of things because this is the product of a purchased power VR-based core - it doesn't adhere to any prior intel graphics specification. It does, however, theoretically accelerate up to 1080p video. On vista, the poor little thing hardly holds its own - on Win7 it does pretty decent. Here's hoping intel gets off their asses. Not to mention Ubuntu!
4.) Hamilton Beach Drinkmaster. This is an unfortunately difficult to find little device but a fairly simple one - it makes nice malts/milkshakes/mixed drinks, etc. It does not blend so nothing too hard can go in, but it does a fantastic job of making our muscle milk drinks.
5.) Tokyoflash Heko watch. This guy's awesome. Slightly complex to read, but wonderfully classy and different. The reflection illusion is downright solid - that's glass over the additional LEDs. Heartily recommended, especially at that price.
6.) A whole SLEW of CDs, which I decided (prompted by my necessitated reformat) to rip in lossless. In fact I ripped EVERYTHING in lossless. And it's awesome. And I recommend it.
7.) A new bag (custom made, ordered on etsy) for my laptop and camera. It's kinda fantastic. And gay.
8.) New shoes. They almost fit!
9.) Cronocrome. Buy this. They DO sell it to US customers and their AC adaptor IS UL listed for US use. Just email if need be. But buy it. It's absolutely marvelous.
10.) For christmas I got: a.) An Axon Racer starter kit. It's in need of some parts. b.) A Canon 50mm f/1.4 USM lens. It takes some fantastic pics!
Other Happenings
A few more miscellaneous tidbits and then I'll leave you (my dear reader) be.
First off, we got a new roommate. He's small but he eats a lot and man, does he stay in his room. It's kinda unfortunate too - really wish he'd come up n' play games more often. As I said above he's now attached (at the hip) to my ex.
Next, I got a pet snake in November: a coastal Rosy Boa I've named Asparagus. This is the first time I've ever had my own pet - typically I'd end up wanting a pet and my parent(s) ended up taking care of it. He (She?) seems to be doing alright though, and he's an awfully cute little thing. Complete sweetheart - I've only had him jump at me once and that was because he was in eating mode.
FC was good times. Met a lot of new folks, met up with a lot of old ones. Resolved some conflicts, created new ones. Pretty solid all around. I DO plan on being at AC, for those who care to plan accordingly!
Finally, the economy kinda plummeted. Yeah, saw that coming a mile away. This affects most everything but especially my job. Things are now quite tense.
And that's that!