i dk what it is..?
.. about my parents. i just feel like they don't take me seriously. but i don't even take myself as serious as i like to think i do. i don't understand why it takes soo long to realize some things. i read in a magazine the other day.. jesse said something like: i wish i wouldn't of taken things like school and my friends for granted. i was thinking about that, and its definately the same way i feel. like ya know how parents or brothers/sisters/alumuni.. w/e people that have graduated and have been thru all that.. they always say how they wish they could go back to high school, and they miss it so much. well how come while ur in school you can't stand it, some ppl like secretly love it! haha. i like the classes that are offered and all that and im definately regreting the fact that i slacked off back in the day. i should have stayed in band at least for a lil while, i should have stayed in chior longer, i should have taken more classes that i wanted to and so on.. i wanted to take an internship, and even tho i blame it on mr. smith (( but i still think is an idiot )) it will always be my fault b/c i didn't do anything more about it. i didn't try any harder to get into it.. and that's not the only thing.. it's just the fact that now that im a senior and am almost done w/ school i wish i could take like 10-15 classes. there are so many things i should have done and now that i can't anymore, im not prepared for college or anything like that.. and now u basically HAVE to go to college b/c its so much harder to get a good job w/o a college education. like one that pays good b/c u need a lot of money, houses and things cost soo much.. now that i need to start looking for a place to live so i can move out and be on my own by the time im 20ish, i need to have a good enough job to support that, i'll prolly be going to college, i dk how im gonna pay for it, i don't have the money.. maybe my parents will help me out (who knows?) but b/c i didn't do much back in the day when they told us it counted i took it for granted and just did what i wanted. well now is the time to do what i want, not then. i didn't do anything to get any chances of getting a scholarship or anything.. so basically i'm a lil screwed right now. i look around and see everyone else doing the things they need to. it's like when u have a project due or something and u haven't done it b/c ur too caught up in the moment.. and when it comes time to present ur lost and u look like a total dumbass. well that's how it is. i know im not the only person that feels this way or is in the same position.. but i don't want to be stuck in that position either. i look at my sister and see first hand how hard it really is and what it does to her.. i can't stand being compared to that. then i look around and see other people that have everything all set up for them. now it just feels like it's too late. im sure it's not, but it just seems like it. im really glad i have easy classes this year tho, but not b/c i want an easy A, i just am saying b/c i'll be able to get thru it no problem and then i can actually start working on what i really wanna do. THEN.. i don't wanna leave some things behind that i have right now, but i don't wanna make the same mistake and be screwed in the end again. like i don't wanna leave and go to college and not be around heather. i hate just thinking about that. no joke.. it's gonna be soo fuckinG hard!i'll miss her and i don't want anything to happen to our friendship. i wish she could go w/ me but she has to finish high school.. but i need to do what i need to do and i can't wait around.. so then the thing about not being taken seriously; well i was talkin to my dad earlier.. and he just acts like im still his baby. i mean i always i will be im the baby of the family, but i wanna do things and maybe im not ready for them yet, but until i go out and do them, then realize im not ready; will i be ready. get what i mean?? like if i don't do it now, then later i will finally get it and be ready but it will be too late. the whole thing about my accident; he took that seriously and he wasn't even mad and i learned from it. but when i talk to him about ppl at school who are going somewhere for spring break he's like that b/c i wanna go on a road trip when i graduate. i've been planning on it for soo long and i was tellin him about it and i don't have a bunch of money saved but i'm trying to. he just acts like im kidding or he just tells me that im not going to do it. he tells me im not gonna get my tongue pierced when i turn 18 and i am!! but then again i don't think im ready either in a way, i just wanna go out and do it anyways to see what it's like and realize on my own weather i am ready or not and if not i'll go back to it later. well anyways i need to go, this is waaaaaay long. but i just had to say it somewhere. it was definately annoying me.. i have a billion songs stuck in my head. kthnx bye.
L O V E
kELLy *
* jEAn