An Epidode of Baronial History...with footnotes.
A Properly A’Tired Champion
By Meister Konrad Mailander
So it came to pass that on the 17th day of February of the first year of the reign of William Taylor the Pure and Gabrielle Juliana Raron as Baron and Baroness of Red Spears being the 30th year of the Society that the Barony held a winter revel. Traditionally at that time the Barony had held and event at that time but this year rather than be advertised for gentles from across the Kingdom to attend it was just a small revel for the members of the Barony. Many members of the populace traveled to the hall on this cold and blustery day to have a great time in each other’s company.
I was approached during the day by Sayyid1 Bezim el Kazat ibn Budur Mohammed al Hajji.2 He requested that, as the herald for Their Excellencies, I call him forward during their court so he could make a presentation. When I asked the nature of the presentation so I could ask Their Excellencies permission he got nervous. “Do you have to let them know, I want it to be a surprise.” Now the job of the court herald is to be the voice of the noble you serve and make them look good. Surprises to the Noble holding court are generally a bad thing. So I told him that without the approval of the Baron or Baroness I could not put him on the court list. His face lit up, “or the Baroness!” He ran off and a short time later I was given permission from the Baroness to add him to the court list…without His Excellency’s knowledge.
So that night during their court I did call him forth.3 He approached the thrones along with Lord Owen FitzRaven carrying between them a carriage wheel.4 Once in front of Their Excellencies Owen faded quickly into the crowd as Bezim addressed His Excellency. He was giving the wheel5 to the Baron as regalia. His thinking was that as regalia the Baron had to lug it around. Bezim thought that this was very humorous…but he was not laughing for long…
Baron Taylor, a man of agile wit and a prowess with banter that exceeds most knights finesse with a sword, is horribly lazy man6 and was not about to lug this thing around. He immediately named Bezim el Kazat ibn Budur Mohammed al Hajji as his "Tire Champion" and gave him the tiring duties of care for the Baronial wheel and to stand in court with it whenever Their Excellences held court. No, no Bezim don’t rest in on the ground; it is honoured Baronial Regalia, it shall not touch the ground; hold it up for the duration of court. And so Bezim, whose plan was to pull a prank on the Baron found himself holding the carriage wheel in his arms for the rest of the court, a very tiring job indeed.
But wait, there’s more, this story does not end there….
A couple of months passed and spring had come to our swampy home. We were in the Marche of the Marshes one Thursday for the regular gathering of the canton. Since the weather had turned pleasant after the long winter most were still on the steps of the amphitheatre7 in which we met enjoying the balmy day.8 I happened to be inside at the time involved in a conversation. I turned at the
sound of running feet as Sayyid Bezim came rushing up the steps to the balcony where I was sitting.
“You can’t call a court anytime you want, can you?” He asked nearly out of
breath.
I went to answer then paused, as the answer I was about to give was not to the
question he actually asked but the question implied.
“No, I cannot call court any time I want.” There that answered the question he
asked.
“That is what I thought!” he replied with a wide smile breaking across his fuzzy
features. He spun in place and started for the stairs…
“Now if I was Baron…”
Bezim’s froze in mid step.9
“…I could hold court whenever I wanted.”
Bezim’s shoulders sagged and he headed down the stairs with a lot less enthusiasm than he exhibited a few seconds previous.
As he made his exit I turned to the gentle with who I was conversing and said, “Excuse me, I think my Baron needs me outside.”
As I exited the Hall Baron Taylor saw me and with a smile exclaimed, “ah, good, my herald is here.” He turned to Sayyid Bezim, “Champion, go get the regalia!” Bezim speaking low in his heathen language10 headed off to the field where the carriage was parked to retrieve the Baronial Wheel from its holy reliquary.11 It was on the far side of the field filled with hitching posts, wagons, and carriages so all patiently waited and watched as he traveled the distance to the carriage, got the Baronial Wheel, and carried it back.
On his return Taylor had Bezim take his place behind him and had me open his court. He proceeded to tell everyone how good it was to see everyone and to thank them all for attending his court. Taylor then had me close the court. Court being closed he instructed Bezim to return the Baronial Wheel to its place of rest. And we all watched Bezim el Kazat ibn Budur Mohammed al Hajji, Tire Champion, carrying the Baronial Wheel back to its reliquary.12 He was suitably tired when finished.
The moral to this story is that you don’t try to upstage the Crown or Coronet in their own court and you do not try to tell the Crown or Coronet that they cannot do what is their right or you might get thrown under the wheels you rode in on.
1 Sayyid is the Arabic equivalent to Lord.
2 This is the very same Bezim whose loss of a camel has lead to over a decade of hostility between the
Baronies of Red Spears and Roaring Wastes and their allies, every May, preferably at Fort Meigs.
3 I had spent a good bit of time during the day practicing saying Bezim el Kazat ibn Budur Mohammed al Hajji, and you cannot say it all with one breath.
4 Actually it was the spare tire out of the trunk of his Lady’s car.
5 A tire…on a rim.
6 Which you would know if you ever heard me tell the tale of the Hasta Animi, and that was just a 2 foot long spear made for carrying.
7 Memorial Hall at BGSU.
8 As opposed to standing in the cold smoking cigarettes or talking to those smoking and freezing like many had done all winter.
9 A camel merchant rampant.
10 Or just grumbling under his breath but it could have been Arabic for all I could tell. It definitely was not language a good Christian would use.
11 The trunk of Lady Moira of Prestonhollow’s car.
12 Back in the trunk of Moira’s car.