Evil Turkey Hell Die Die Evil Day
It's time for my annual Thanksgiving Day post!
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The following is from a "Thanksgiving is Evil" article, located at http://www.tjmonkeys.com/holiday_thanksgiving4.html
Thanksgiving, Holiday Of Evil!
Perhaps this week you will gather with your family and celebrate a little holiday we call "Thanksgiving." Well, that may be what you call it but I prefer to think of it as "Evil Turkey Hell Die Die Evil Day."
That's right, centuries ago our forefathers and foremothers got it into their twisted foreforeheads that they should have a celebration of thanks to God for all the things he had given them in their first troubled year in the New World. They co-opted the Native Americans into their dastardly schemes. The Indians said, "No thanks, we would prefer to stay here and play blackjack and slot machines." And our forepersons said, "Are you sure you would not rather spend a day in intensive prayer to a God you do not believe in giving thanks for a foothold on your land that will eventually lead to the destruction of most of your civilization?" "Yes. We are sure," said the Native Americans. But our foremothers were really good at nagging and our forefathers had guns.
Anyway, why make the claim this day of thanks and prayer is so sinister and twisted? Because it celebrates sin and evil! What kind of warped sense of humor did these pilgrims have when they decided to celebrate God by taking part in sin?!
Ah, I see you do not believe me. You consider me some sort of nut because I clash with the traditional views of the world? Or perhaps because I wear my underwear outside of my pants? Well, I'm not. Let us consider this day of evil....
We begin with a massive feast of turkey, stuffing and all sorts of food which we lord over the poor by tossing them a sop as if to say, "Well, yes, I have this massive feast of fine food. Here you go, poor person, have this can of peas and box of Ring-Dings and be grateful for my generosity!" Yes, gluttony! Meanwhile, our mothers swell with pride at the magnificent feast while our aunts are green with envy at the smoothness of the mashed potatoes. The family is greedy for more turkey and pie while they seethe with anger just because, you know, that's what families do when they get together. After stuffing ourselves with turkey we crawl slowly - dare I say, with greath sloth? - to the living room and watch TV all afternoon all the while lusting after our nubile young cousins. And don't tell me you don't lust after those cousins! And there you have it, gluttony, pride, envy, greed, anger, sloth and lust! The seven deadly sins - celebrated on this day of supposed thanks and virtue!
Ha! As you can see I have proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Thanksgiving is simply a day of EVIL! Cast aside the pie of depravity, the yams of sin, the stuffing of corruption and the cranberry sauce of vice! I saw Goody Tom Turkey dancing with the devil!
Happy Thanksgiving.
~~~~~***~~~~~
The following was a skit on the "Prairie Home Companion" radio show.
A lot of people wonder, how did turkey come to be our traditional Thanksgiving dinner? (sound of a turkey gobbling) That's what this turkey over here would like to know. How come? (sound of turkey gobbling) It doesn't seem fair. Fifty million homes, all of them have to have a turkey, a dead one. (turkey gobbling) But you know back when the Pilgrim fathers sat down for that first Thanksgiving dinner, (sound of pilgrims in the background talking) the main course that the Pilgrim mothers fixed was not turkey, it was roast arbonaut.
(Pilgrims talking: "Oh, this is darn good arbonaut, Prudence." "Well, it's a little dry..." "Dry, why, an arbonaut is supposed to be dry, my dear. Have some more dark meat...")
Yep, roast arbonaut, an old thanksgiving tradition. If you wonder, "Arbonaut? What's that? There aren't any arbonaut around here," well that's why. Our forefathers ate them all and now they're extinct. There aren't any left in America.
(guy in background: "Well, there are, but not around here." a dog barks and the guy growls back. "Down, boy, down." dog barks some more) So our ancestors... (guy growls and dog barks) Keep your dog away from me. So our ancestors tried something else, they tried roast Dodo bird for Thanksgiving. Which was pretty good, as dodo birds go.
(Ancestor: "You know, some people get tired of roast Dodo, but I don't know why. I don't! I could eat Dodo every day of the week!")
The problem was that the Dodo was awfully slow to breed (Dodo bird makes dumb sounds) Some Dodos went for years without producing a single offspring because they just never got the hang of it. So, through ineptitude or shyness, the Dodo became extinct too. (guy in the background: "Well you don't smell so good yourself." dog barks. guy growls.) And then our ancestors switched over to pigeons for thanksgiving. (Pigeon coos) Birds that were tasty in their own way but tended to be on the small side.
(Ancestor: "This is sure good pigeon...pretty big one too, must be a three ouncer. Hand me the tweezers, would you? I'd like to clean off these wings a little.")
You know, it was, by the way, a very smart homing pigeon (pigeon coos) who led a team of thanksgiving dinner researches (pigeon coos, sound of people thrashing through a forest) deep into the woods to find America's first thanksgiving turkey back in 1913. Oh, people had seen turkeys before, but all of them had had feathers on. The pigeon pointed into the underbrush (pigeon coos) and the hunters tiptoed into the shadows (sound of hunters shushing each other) and there, standing on a tree stump, was a turkey with no feathers on. (turkey gobbles) Naked as a jaybird. White, shivering, covered with goosebumps so to speak. He tried to make a run for it (turkey frantically gobbles) but they grabbed him. (sound of turkey dying. Hunter: "Gotcha.")
Thus a noble breed of bird became merely a dinner. It's name a synonym for 'Loser'. Turkey. (turkey gobbles) Eventually, they say, turkeys may get discouraged, (turkey gobbles) lose the urge to reproduce (turkey gobbles) die out. And there will be no more turkeys. And then, what are we going to do for Thanksgiving dinner? Are we going to go on to some other species? Maybe another domestic animal? Maybe choose a---
(dog barks. Silence.)
Well... you know, we do spend a lot of money on feeding them. Fattening them up. (dog barks and whines) Kinda makes sense to recoup some of that investment, wouldn't you say? Darn it, when you look at a dog, don't you think 'dark meat'? I do. (dog whines) Someday you guys may be using a bigger platter for Thanksgiving.
(Descendant: "Yeah, I'll have another helping. Just pass the paws, please. Good dog, don't you think? Go ahead, Bob. Help yourself to those jowls. Dorothy cooked them a little rare so they're nice and floppy. I think I'll just nibble on the tail.") And then I suppose eventually America might even come to the point where we are so desperate for a Thanksgiving main course that we---
(a cat meows)
No. (guy: "C'mere Fluffy. Come on, Fluffy." cat meows) No. Never. ("Come here, Fluffy") Never. Not in the United States of America. (cat meows) No. That's why Bertha's "Save the Cats" committee calls on each and every one of you out there to join together and conserve on turkeys. If you had some on Thursday, don't have another one on Sunday. Let's try to make these birds last. ("Come on Fluff." cat meows) No no no. The "Save the Cats" committee says, Be kind to the species below us (turkey gobbles) because you never know who may be next.
~~~~~***~~~~~
The following is from a "Thanksgiving is Evil" article, located at http://www.tjmonkeys.com/holiday_thanksgiving4.html
Thanksgiving, Holiday Of Evil!
Perhaps this week you will gather with your family and celebrate a little holiday we call "Thanksgiving." Well, that may be what you call it but I prefer to think of it as "Evil Turkey Hell Die Die Evil Day."
That's right, centuries ago our forefathers and foremothers got it into their twisted foreforeheads that they should have a celebration of thanks to God for all the things he had given them in their first troubled year in the New World. They co-opted the Native Americans into their dastardly schemes. The Indians said, "No thanks, we would prefer to stay here and play blackjack and slot machines." And our forepersons said, "Are you sure you would not rather spend a day in intensive prayer to a God you do not believe in giving thanks for a foothold on your land that will eventually lead to the destruction of most of your civilization?" "Yes. We are sure," said the Native Americans. But our foremothers were really good at nagging and our forefathers had guns.
Anyway, why make the claim this day of thanks and prayer is so sinister and twisted? Because it celebrates sin and evil! What kind of warped sense of humor did these pilgrims have when they decided to celebrate God by taking part in sin?!
Ah, I see you do not believe me. You consider me some sort of nut because I clash with the traditional views of the world? Or perhaps because I wear my underwear outside of my pants? Well, I'm not. Let us consider this day of evil....
We begin with a massive feast of turkey, stuffing and all sorts of food which we lord over the poor by tossing them a sop as if to say, "Well, yes, I have this massive feast of fine food. Here you go, poor person, have this can of peas and box of Ring-Dings and be grateful for my generosity!" Yes, gluttony! Meanwhile, our mothers swell with pride at the magnificent feast while our aunts are green with envy at the smoothness of the mashed potatoes. The family is greedy for more turkey and pie while they seethe with anger just because, you know, that's what families do when they get together. After stuffing ourselves with turkey we crawl slowly - dare I say, with greath sloth? - to the living room and watch TV all afternoon all the while lusting after our nubile young cousins. And don't tell me you don't lust after those cousins! And there you have it, gluttony, pride, envy, greed, anger, sloth and lust! The seven deadly sins - celebrated on this day of supposed thanks and virtue!
Ha! As you can see I have proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Thanksgiving is simply a day of EVIL! Cast aside the pie of depravity, the yams of sin, the stuffing of corruption and the cranberry sauce of vice! I saw Goody Tom Turkey dancing with the devil!
Happy Thanksgiving.
~~~~~***~~~~~
The following was a skit on the "Prairie Home Companion" radio show.
A lot of people wonder, how did turkey come to be our traditional Thanksgiving dinner? (sound of a turkey gobbling) That's what this turkey over here would like to know. How come? (sound of turkey gobbling) It doesn't seem fair. Fifty million homes, all of them have to have a turkey, a dead one. (turkey gobbling) But you know back when the Pilgrim fathers sat down for that first Thanksgiving dinner, (sound of pilgrims in the background talking) the main course that the Pilgrim mothers fixed was not turkey, it was roast arbonaut.
(Pilgrims talking: "Oh, this is darn good arbonaut, Prudence." "Well, it's a little dry..." "Dry, why, an arbonaut is supposed to be dry, my dear. Have some more dark meat...")
Yep, roast arbonaut, an old thanksgiving tradition. If you wonder, "Arbonaut? What's that? There aren't any arbonaut around here," well that's why. Our forefathers ate them all and now they're extinct. There aren't any left in America.
(guy in background: "Well, there are, but not around here." a dog barks and the guy growls back. "Down, boy, down." dog barks some more) So our ancestors... (guy growls and dog barks) Keep your dog away from me. So our ancestors tried something else, they tried roast Dodo bird for Thanksgiving. Which was pretty good, as dodo birds go.
(Ancestor: "You know, some people get tired of roast Dodo, but I don't know why. I don't! I could eat Dodo every day of the week!")
The problem was that the Dodo was awfully slow to breed (Dodo bird makes dumb sounds) Some Dodos went for years without producing a single offspring because they just never got the hang of it. So, through ineptitude or shyness, the Dodo became extinct too. (guy in the background: "Well you don't smell so good yourself." dog barks. guy growls.) And then our ancestors switched over to pigeons for thanksgiving. (Pigeon coos) Birds that were tasty in their own way but tended to be on the small side.
(Ancestor: "This is sure good pigeon...pretty big one too, must be a three ouncer. Hand me the tweezers, would you? I'd like to clean off these wings a little.")
You know, it was, by the way, a very smart homing pigeon (pigeon coos) who led a team of thanksgiving dinner researches (pigeon coos, sound of people thrashing through a forest) deep into the woods to find America's first thanksgiving turkey back in 1913. Oh, people had seen turkeys before, but all of them had had feathers on. The pigeon pointed into the underbrush (pigeon coos) and the hunters tiptoed into the shadows (sound of hunters shushing each other) and there, standing on a tree stump, was a turkey with no feathers on. (turkey gobbles) Naked as a jaybird. White, shivering, covered with goosebumps so to speak. He tried to make a run for it (turkey frantically gobbles) but they grabbed him. (sound of turkey dying. Hunter: "Gotcha.")
Thus a noble breed of bird became merely a dinner. It's name a synonym for 'Loser'. Turkey. (turkey gobbles) Eventually, they say, turkeys may get discouraged, (turkey gobbles) lose the urge to reproduce (turkey gobbles) die out. And there will be no more turkeys. And then, what are we going to do for Thanksgiving dinner? Are we going to go on to some other species? Maybe another domestic animal? Maybe choose a---
(dog barks. Silence.)
Well... you know, we do spend a lot of money on feeding them. Fattening them up. (dog barks and whines) Kinda makes sense to recoup some of that investment, wouldn't you say? Darn it, when you look at a dog, don't you think 'dark meat'? I do. (dog whines) Someday you guys may be using a bigger platter for Thanksgiving.
(Descendant: "Yeah, I'll have another helping. Just pass the paws, please. Good dog, don't you think? Go ahead, Bob. Help yourself to those jowls. Dorothy cooked them a little rare so they're nice and floppy. I think I'll just nibble on the tail.") And then I suppose eventually America might even come to the point where we are so desperate for a Thanksgiving main course that we---
(a cat meows)
No. (guy: "C'mere Fluffy. Come on, Fluffy." cat meows) No. Never. ("Come here, Fluffy") Never. Not in the United States of America. (cat meows) No. That's why Bertha's "Save the Cats" committee calls on each and every one of you out there to join together and conserve on turkeys. If you had some on Thursday, don't have another one on Sunday. Let's try to make these birds last. ("Come on Fluff." cat meows) No no no. The "Save the Cats" committee says, Be kind to the species below us (turkey gobbles) because you never know who may be next.