Dawn and the We ♥ Kids Club! Part 1!
Greetings, my lovlies! Well, well, well! So, I had a day yesterday wherein I ran out of my anxiety meds which basically takes away my ability to sleep, which means my sleep schedule is totally fubar and since I was awake and bored, I decided to snark. And let me tell you, ladies, this book is fucked. I've mentioned this before, but every Dawn book I snark always overshadows the last with pure awfulness. I have never, never, read a book that infuriated me as much as this one did. It almost scares me how much hatred I feel for Ann and Dawn. This is my personal Hell. But since I write best when angry, it may also be my magnum opus. Perpare for swearing. Perpare for hate.
-Song of the Day!-
Let's talk the cover:
It's anyone's guess who's who here. Even though the W♥KC is described as having different shades of blonde hair as well as different hairstyles, we get the clone wars. Also, what kind of dumbfuck takes off their shoes poolside but not their huge fucking socks?! I would also like to point out that this book takes place in winter yet it looks like July. Believe me, I'll touch on that stupid subject.
Chapter 1!
Hey! Let's start off with something new! Me hating Ann! Why do I hate Ann? Okay that's a huge list but the reason this time is because she's a fucking idiot who lives by stereotypes. Dawn is getting out of school and talking about how in California, winters are warm! Bitch, please! I live in fucking Arizona and guess what? It gets cold in the winter! When I lived in Southern California, it got cold in the winter! California is not a magical land from a fucking postcard! Seasons happen! Weather changes! I just-I-FUCK! Why the Hell couldn't Ann do the slightest bit of research?! Why couldn't she write anything other than inside the box It's a Small World stereotypes?! Why is she such a fucking stupid hack writer and yet so rich?! WHY?! I already have burning hatred for this book and I've only read a few sentences!
Okay, I'm a little better now. And because we haven't been reading the series for 70+ books, Dawn has to give us exposition about why she's in California. Once we get back to the actual story something amazing happens! Dawn makes me hate her! Isn't that shocking?! When have I ever hated Dawn for being a sanctimonious sea hag?! Because she's talking about vegetable chips and how yummy they are but omg! Stop gagging! Just notice how special I am for eating them! Tee hee! So what if they're no different than potato chips! They're vegetables! No one eats vegetables! Tee hee! I'm so amazing and unique! Oh, my God. I just can't with this book! If I turn to Quaaludes because of this book, I'm fighting Ann!
Dawn introduces the We ♥ Kids Club and every member is a blonde because that's all that exists in Ann's California! I bet when Ann was in her prime and doing book tours, she fainted dead away when she saw a minority in California. And then she probably refused to sign their book till they bleached their hair to fit her world view. The W♥KC walks and talks and say whether they should hold a meeting that day and Dawn has to mention K Ron and her iron fist. And omg, is this the book wherein K Ron goes nuts trying to get publicity? Please send me good vibes, gals. Please don't let me go out this way. I can't die hunched over my laptop, stupidity on the screen and a face like I just watched The Ring.
The W♥KC break off to do various things, and Dawn goes to her sitting job at Stephie's house. Stephie answers the door and tells Dawn to look at Joanna, her regular sitter, because she looks 'beautiful'. She's wearing a beaded top and a fringed skirt, so 'beautiful' isn't the word I'd use here. Even at the time this was fashionable, I always thought beaded tops were very 'Church lady going to Olive Garden'. You know what? This snark is taking me like twice as long as usual because I keep having to stop and take deep breaths and control my temper because my hate cup runneth over. Stephie says she wants to bake Joanna a cake (it's her birthday) which means what, kiddies? Dawn complains! Because there's sugar in cakes. Because that 'grosses me out'. Because if Dawn goes a paragraph without shoving her ideology down peoples throats, she gets hives. I...I hate Dawn so fucking much, you guys. I just....I don't know.
Dawn is all too happy to go home because smelling cake offends her and oh, shit, you guys. I just realised that this being a California book means Jeff will be in it. And me without my Sims to set on fire. He immediately endears himself to me by telling the most obnoxiously moronic jokes in history. Jack comes home and asks Dawn how she feels about chimichangas for dinner. Deep fried tortillas stuffed with cheese and topped with sour cream?! Health food! And yes, I had to take a break after reading that too. Dawn says that sounds fine but figures that having chimichangas means Carol must be coming for dinner, as that's her fave. Bite my ass, Ann, that's Deadpool's favourite food and you can't have it. Although I actually like Carol so, I'm not too mad. And her name's Carol so, ah! My heart!
Dawn says she likes Carol...
One of the things she mentions is that Carol 'tries' to be hip. Three things here. 1) People over 30 are allowed to be cool. I'm fucking cool. My friends are fucking cool. You gals are fucking cool. Being cool doesn't have a fucking age limit. How does Ann, who was around for the fall of the Roman empire, act like people have to be young to be relevant? I'm cooler at 35 than I was at 13. Not everyone has to turn into a rod up their ass, lemon mouth, fun hating gargoyle when they hit 30, Ann. Not like the way you were born, you fucking monster. 3) Dawn has said before that her dad is cool. He's laid-back and awesome! He makes jokes and has fun! He's a hip DILF! I sincerely wish hypocrisy was fatal because Dawn would have died before she could walk. 3) Don't you dare, don't you fucking dare, to act like you wouldn't be exactly like Carol at that age. You never shut up about how special and cool you are. You'll be out there trying to surf with a walker. You'll be wearing cut offs and sunglasses even when you look like a pickled Slim Jim. Don't fuck with me, Schafer. I have a zero fucking tolerance for you and your hypocritical bullshit.
When Carol arrives, she says the chimichangas smell 'bodacious' which makes me think Jack must just have a thing for stoners. Because no one says bodacious other than pot head surfers. And what the fuck do you want her to say? 'My stars and garters! Those chimichangas smell like the bee's knees! 23 skidoo! I haven't had such hotsy-totsy meal since Gatsby's!' I hate this book so much. After dinner, Dawn calls Mary Anne because she's so bummed out. She likes Carol remember. MA is excited because she just read Julie of the Wolves and again, don't mention good books in the middle of your shit ones. Dawn says she listens politely well MA talks about the plot, even though she's read that book already and knows the plot. You know what you do in that situation, genius? You talk about your favourite parts, not feign interest. I hate Dawn so much and it's only the end of the first chapter. I'm in so much trouble. I would definitely eat wolf vomit over reading any more of this.
I gotta keep reading. For you guys.
Chapter 2!
I'm actually curious about this chapter. Is Ann really going to put a normal Chapter 2 in a book that doesn't even take place in Stoneybrook? Will she give more of a rundown about the W♥KC members? That would actually be helpful because I have no idea who any of them are aside from Sunny. But that's probably expecting too much out of her seeing as she couldn't even make them look different let alone give them different personalities. Anyways, at a W♥KC meeting, Sunny is giving Jill a lesson on surfing because that's the national sport of California. Dawn says everyone arrived to the meeting different times and how K Ron would make the BSC self-flagellate themselves if that happened. And hey, she does say who the W♥KC members are so I actually have to read a Chapter 2 since I first read the series.
Dawn says Sunny is just like her-'outgoing, fun-loving, and independent'. You better enjoy that now, Schafer. According to you, once you hit 30 you basically have to become Count Orlock and even he went out at night. Since Dawn can't go a chapter without being a raging hypocrite, she says Sunny has a 'hippie' name like 'Dawn' isn't one too. Maggie has a famous movie daddy and had dinner with Keanu Reeves. If I had dinner with Keanu Reeves, I'd tell him his only good movie was Bill and Ted and what was up with that accent in Dracula? She also says Maggie looks cool because she has a rat tail...I think the reason Dawn thinks Carol 'tries' to be cool is because Carol acts like a normal person and Dawn's perception of what constitutes as cool has been skewed by years of brain damage brought on by staring at the sun. Also Maggie wears leather jackets? But you don't need jackets in California! It's always 85° ! Please, road_baby, hold it together. Please don't let this break you.
After some important BSC exposition, they get a call from one Rhonda Lieb, a reporter for the newspaper. She's doing a series on kids with businesses and wants to do a piece on the W♥KC. At first Sunny thinks she's a prank caller but Maggie says she's heard of her. They tell her to call her back saying they'll do it but she's embarrassed that it might be a prank. Dawn of course, never passes up a chance to show off, and practically breaks Sunny's neck grabbing the phone. Sadly, it wasn't a prank and the newspaper really does want to do a piece on the W♥KC. They make arrangements to meet up the next day and uh, wouldn't this need to be passed by an adult? Can a newspaper really make an interview appointment for the next day? That seems like very little time to set that up. I hate this book.
Chapter 3!
The very next day, the W♥KC is nervously waiting for Rhonda to show up. When she does, she's wearing stirrup pants so I can't take her seriously. Rhonda interviews the girls and it's seriously boring. Then a photographer shows up and takes some picture and it's seriously boring. Five days later, the article appears in the paper and Dawn gets a huge boner over the idea of people paying attention to her. I nearly vomit up my breakfast when Dawn is described as a-'silken-haired beauty with a laugh like pealing bells'. That's a funny way to spell 'a Naugahyde-skinned harpy with a screech like a pterodactyl in heat'. Also, who wants to take the bet that Dawn is trying to figure out how to fashion a dildo out of paper?
After showing her dad and Jeff, Dawn runs to the news stand to buy 10 copies of the paper. She runs back home and starts writing a letter to Mary Anne. As she's writing, Sunny calls to scream. And to tell her the totally believable plot twist that now a TV station wants to interview them. Mm hmm! Out of all the entrepreneur kids interviewed for the paper, only the W♥KC lands a tv interview. Ladies, riddle me this. Does this seriously need to happen? Does Dawn really need more reason to think she's the center of the Goddamn universe? Ann really couldn't have left it at a newspaper interview? Must egos be stroked like a Bond villain cat? I'm not gonna play your game, Martin. I will not bow to the the Queen of Filth! The Queen of Putrescence!
On Wednesday, the tv crew comes and Dawn says the day was boring. Because being interviewed for tv means they actually need to set up cameras and things and ugh! I have to wait! I want my fame now!
So, even though Dawn is just sitting on the porch talking to her friends, she's bitching that she's exhausted. I guess an all hamster food diet doesn't make you a shining beacon of health and stamina now, does it?! God, how the fuck do you exhaust yourself sitting around doing nothing? Could it be Dawn just likes to bitch? Could it?! Anyways, they finally get their interview over and it's seriously boring.
God, will this chapter never end?! It's had like a million different plots so far! On Friday night, it's time for the tv interview and the Schafer family and friends plus Carol are gathered around the Devil's box to watch. And Carol bought Dawn a personalized director's chair and sunglasses and a visor. That horrible bitch! Doesn't she care about Dawn at all?! I-I can't. Actually, now that I think about it, that was a shitty thing to do because it feeds Dawn's already gargantuan ego. It's like trying to put out a tire fire with gasoline. Anyways, the tv piece airs and I really. Do not. Give. A. Shit.
Chapter 4!
Holy Hell fuck! I'm only on chapter 4?! I never take this long on a snark! This book fucking drags! As a beautiful Metatron once said 'It never ends!' Dawn is sitting at Stephie's and can you guess what she does? Did you guess she says something to make me hate her? Hallelujah! You win! Because Stephie is watching the tv interview and says Dawn looks beautiful which makes Dawn say she loves Stephie. It's official, Dawn somehow managed to have a bigger ego than K Ron.
Guys. Guys. This book is killing me. How can anyone write like this?! How can anyone think that writing a completely judgmental, egotistical, holier-than-thou, fucking fuck head, piss baby, skank of a shit whore was a good idea for a protagonist?! How come Dawn can't go a chapter without being the worst person in the universe?! HOW?! See, I decided to kinda pay attention to this chapter because I actually really like Stephie. But she shows Dawn a picture of what Dawn thought was her but was actually a picture of her dead mother, and Dawn was thinking how awful and fat Stephie looked in her picture. There are no words. Why do Ann and the Ghosties always write Dawn as needlessly mean as possible? I can't...I'm done with this chapter. Fuck it. All that happens is Stephie wants a mom. I'm sorry Stephie, I love you but Dawn has blackened my heart and I can't pay attention to you right now.
Chapter 5!
At a W♥KC meeting, everything is chaos because thanks to their new found publicity, they're booking like a million jobs. As they're trying to cover everything, Dawn realises that Sunny is using last year's calender. Who the fuck does that?! I really only keep a calender so I can have a variety of kitty pictures but I still remember to change it in January! I look forward to having new pictures to look at! This year I'm getting me an Animal Crossing one. Does Ann think everyone in California is a fucking stoner?! I HATE THIS BOOK!! Anyways, this chapter is garbage. They just try to book jobs and talk about getting better organised. You know what we need, gals? A nice, cute pallet cleanser. It'll have to do in lieu of a shot of whiskey and a horse tranquilizer.
-Song of the Day!-
Let's talk the cover:
It's anyone's guess who's who here. Even though the W♥KC is described as having different shades of blonde hair as well as different hairstyles, we get the clone wars. Also, what kind of dumbfuck takes off their shoes poolside but not their huge fucking socks?! I would also like to point out that this book takes place in winter yet it looks like July. Believe me, I'll touch on that stupid subject.
Chapter 1!
Hey! Let's start off with something new! Me hating Ann! Why do I hate Ann? Okay that's a huge list but the reason this time is because she's a fucking idiot who lives by stereotypes. Dawn is getting out of school and talking about how in California, winters are warm! Bitch, please! I live in fucking Arizona and guess what? It gets cold in the winter! When I lived in Southern California, it got cold in the winter! California is not a magical land from a fucking postcard! Seasons happen! Weather changes! I just-I-FUCK! Why the Hell couldn't Ann do the slightest bit of research?! Why couldn't she write anything other than inside the box It's a Small World stereotypes?! Why is she such a fucking stupid hack writer and yet so rich?! WHY?! I already have burning hatred for this book and I've only read a few sentences!
Okay, I'm a little better now. And because we haven't been reading the series for 70+ books, Dawn has to give us exposition about why she's in California. Once we get back to the actual story something amazing happens! Dawn makes me hate her! Isn't that shocking?! When have I ever hated Dawn for being a sanctimonious sea hag?! Because she's talking about vegetable chips and how yummy they are but omg! Stop gagging! Just notice how special I am for eating them! Tee hee! So what if they're no different than potato chips! They're vegetables! No one eats vegetables! Tee hee! I'm so amazing and unique! Oh, my God. I just can't with this book! If I turn to Quaaludes because of this book, I'm fighting Ann!
Dawn introduces the We ♥ Kids Club and every member is a blonde because that's all that exists in Ann's California! I bet when Ann was in her prime and doing book tours, she fainted dead away when she saw a minority in California. And then she probably refused to sign their book till they bleached their hair to fit her world view. The W♥KC walks and talks and say whether they should hold a meeting that day and Dawn has to mention K Ron and her iron fist. And omg, is this the book wherein K Ron goes nuts trying to get publicity? Please send me good vibes, gals. Please don't let me go out this way. I can't die hunched over my laptop, stupidity on the screen and a face like I just watched The Ring.
The W♥KC break off to do various things, and Dawn goes to her sitting job at Stephie's house. Stephie answers the door and tells Dawn to look at Joanna, her regular sitter, because she looks 'beautiful'. She's wearing a beaded top and a fringed skirt, so 'beautiful' isn't the word I'd use here. Even at the time this was fashionable, I always thought beaded tops were very 'Church lady going to Olive Garden'. You know what? This snark is taking me like twice as long as usual because I keep having to stop and take deep breaths and control my temper because my hate cup runneth over. Stephie says she wants to bake Joanna a cake (it's her birthday) which means what, kiddies? Dawn complains! Because there's sugar in cakes. Because that 'grosses me out'. Because if Dawn goes a paragraph without shoving her ideology down peoples throats, she gets hives. I...I hate Dawn so fucking much, you guys. I just....I don't know.
Dawn is all too happy to go home because smelling cake offends her and oh, shit, you guys. I just realised that this being a California book means Jeff will be in it. And me without my Sims to set on fire. He immediately endears himself to me by telling the most obnoxiously moronic jokes in history. Jack comes home and asks Dawn how she feels about chimichangas for dinner. Deep fried tortillas stuffed with cheese and topped with sour cream?! Health food! And yes, I had to take a break after reading that too. Dawn says that sounds fine but figures that having chimichangas means Carol must be coming for dinner, as that's her fave. Bite my ass, Ann, that's Deadpool's favourite food and you can't have it. Although I actually like Carol so, I'm not too mad. And her name's Carol so, ah! My heart!
Dawn says she likes Carol...
One of the things she mentions is that Carol 'tries' to be hip. Three things here. 1) People over 30 are allowed to be cool. I'm fucking cool. My friends are fucking cool. You gals are fucking cool. Being cool doesn't have a fucking age limit. How does Ann, who was around for the fall of the Roman empire, act like people have to be young to be relevant? I'm cooler at 35 than I was at 13. Not everyone has to turn into a rod up their ass, lemon mouth, fun hating gargoyle when they hit 30, Ann. Not like the way you were born, you fucking monster. 3) Dawn has said before that her dad is cool. He's laid-back and awesome! He makes jokes and has fun! He's a hip DILF! I sincerely wish hypocrisy was fatal because Dawn would have died before she could walk. 3) Don't you dare, don't you fucking dare, to act like you wouldn't be exactly like Carol at that age. You never shut up about how special and cool you are. You'll be out there trying to surf with a walker. You'll be wearing cut offs and sunglasses even when you look like a pickled Slim Jim. Don't fuck with me, Schafer. I have a zero fucking tolerance for you and your hypocritical bullshit.
When Carol arrives, she says the chimichangas smell 'bodacious' which makes me think Jack must just have a thing for stoners. Because no one says bodacious other than pot head surfers. And what the fuck do you want her to say? 'My stars and garters! Those chimichangas smell like the bee's knees! 23 skidoo! I haven't had such hotsy-totsy meal since Gatsby's!' I hate this book so much. After dinner, Dawn calls Mary Anne because she's so bummed out. She likes Carol remember. MA is excited because she just read Julie of the Wolves and again, don't mention good books in the middle of your shit ones. Dawn says she listens politely well MA talks about the plot, even though she's read that book already and knows the plot. You know what you do in that situation, genius? You talk about your favourite parts, not feign interest. I hate Dawn so much and it's only the end of the first chapter. I'm in so much trouble. I would definitely eat wolf vomit over reading any more of this.
I gotta keep reading. For you guys.
Chapter 2!
I'm actually curious about this chapter. Is Ann really going to put a normal Chapter 2 in a book that doesn't even take place in Stoneybrook? Will she give more of a rundown about the W♥KC members? That would actually be helpful because I have no idea who any of them are aside from Sunny. But that's probably expecting too much out of her seeing as she couldn't even make them look different let alone give them different personalities. Anyways, at a W♥KC meeting, Sunny is giving Jill a lesson on surfing because that's the national sport of California. Dawn says everyone arrived to the meeting different times and how K Ron would make the BSC self-flagellate themselves if that happened. And hey, she does say who the W♥KC members are so I actually have to read a Chapter 2 since I first read the series.
Dawn says Sunny is just like her-'outgoing, fun-loving, and independent'. You better enjoy that now, Schafer. According to you, once you hit 30 you basically have to become Count Orlock and even he went out at night. Since Dawn can't go a chapter without being a raging hypocrite, she says Sunny has a 'hippie' name like 'Dawn' isn't one too. Maggie has a famous movie daddy and had dinner with Keanu Reeves. If I had dinner with Keanu Reeves, I'd tell him his only good movie was Bill and Ted and what was up with that accent in Dracula? She also says Maggie looks cool because she has a rat tail...I think the reason Dawn thinks Carol 'tries' to be cool is because Carol acts like a normal person and Dawn's perception of what constitutes as cool has been skewed by years of brain damage brought on by staring at the sun. Also Maggie wears leather jackets? But you don't need jackets in California! It's always 85° ! Please, road_baby, hold it together. Please don't let this break you.
After some important BSC exposition, they get a call from one Rhonda Lieb, a reporter for the newspaper. She's doing a series on kids with businesses and wants to do a piece on the W♥KC. At first Sunny thinks she's a prank caller but Maggie says she's heard of her. They tell her to call her back saying they'll do it but she's embarrassed that it might be a prank. Dawn of course, never passes up a chance to show off, and practically breaks Sunny's neck grabbing the phone. Sadly, it wasn't a prank and the newspaper really does want to do a piece on the W♥KC. They make arrangements to meet up the next day and uh, wouldn't this need to be passed by an adult? Can a newspaper really make an interview appointment for the next day? That seems like very little time to set that up. I hate this book.
Chapter 3!
The very next day, the W♥KC is nervously waiting for Rhonda to show up. When she does, she's wearing stirrup pants so I can't take her seriously. Rhonda interviews the girls and it's seriously boring. Then a photographer shows up and takes some picture and it's seriously boring. Five days later, the article appears in the paper and Dawn gets a huge boner over the idea of people paying attention to her. I nearly vomit up my breakfast when Dawn is described as a-'silken-haired beauty with a laugh like pealing bells'. That's a funny way to spell 'a Naugahyde-skinned harpy with a screech like a pterodactyl in heat'. Also, who wants to take the bet that Dawn is trying to figure out how to fashion a dildo out of paper?
After showing her dad and Jeff, Dawn runs to the news stand to buy 10 copies of the paper. She runs back home and starts writing a letter to Mary Anne. As she's writing, Sunny calls to scream. And to tell her the totally believable plot twist that now a TV station wants to interview them. Mm hmm! Out of all the entrepreneur kids interviewed for the paper, only the W♥KC lands a tv interview. Ladies, riddle me this. Does this seriously need to happen? Does Dawn really need more reason to think she's the center of the Goddamn universe? Ann really couldn't have left it at a newspaper interview? Must egos be stroked like a Bond villain cat? I'm not gonna play your game, Martin. I will not bow to the the Queen of Filth! The Queen of Putrescence!
On Wednesday, the tv crew comes and Dawn says the day was boring. Because being interviewed for tv means they actually need to set up cameras and things and ugh! I have to wait! I want my fame now!
So, even though Dawn is just sitting on the porch talking to her friends, she's bitching that she's exhausted. I guess an all hamster food diet doesn't make you a shining beacon of health and stamina now, does it?! God, how the fuck do you exhaust yourself sitting around doing nothing? Could it be Dawn just likes to bitch? Could it?! Anyways, they finally get their interview over and it's seriously boring.
God, will this chapter never end?! It's had like a million different plots so far! On Friday night, it's time for the tv interview and the Schafer family and friends plus Carol are gathered around the Devil's box to watch. And Carol bought Dawn a personalized director's chair and sunglasses and a visor. That horrible bitch! Doesn't she care about Dawn at all?! I-I can't. Actually, now that I think about it, that was a shitty thing to do because it feeds Dawn's already gargantuan ego. It's like trying to put out a tire fire with gasoline. Anyways, the tv piece airs and I really. Do not. Give. A. Shit.
Chapter 4!
Holy Hell fuck! I'm only on chapter 4?! I never take this long on a snark! This book fucking drags! As a beautiful Metatron once said 'It never ends!' Dawn is sitting at Stephie's and can you guess what she does? Did you guess she says something to make me hate her? Hallelujah! You win! Because Stephie is watching the tv interview and says Dawn looks beautiful which makes Dawn say she loves Stephie. It's official, Dawn somehow managed to have a bigger ego than K Ron.
Guys. Guys. This book is killing me. How can anyone write like this?! How can anyone think that writing a completely judgmental, egotistical, holier-than-thou, fucking fuck head, piss baby, skank of a shit whore was a good idea for a protagonist?! How come Dawn can't go a chapter without being the worst person in the universe?! HOW?! See, I decided to kinda pay attention to this chapter because I actually really like Stephie. But she shows Dawn a picture of what Dawn thought was her but was actually a picture of her dead mother, and Dawn was thinking how awful and fat Stephie looked in her picture. There are no words. Why do Ann and the Ghosties always write Dawn as needlessly mean as possible? I can't...I'm done with this chapter. Fuck it. All that happens is Stephie wants a mom. I'm sorry Stephie, I love you but Dawn has blackened my heart and I can't pay attention to you right now.
Chapter 5!
At a W♥KC meeting, everything is chaos because thanks to their new found publicity, they're booking like a million jobs. As they're trying to cover everything, Dawn realises that Sunny is using last year's calender. Who the fuck does that?! I really only keep a calender so I can have a variety of kitty pictures but I still remember to change it in January! I look forward to having new pictures to look at! This year I'm getting me an Animal Crossing one. Does Ann think everyone in California is a fucking stoner?! I HATE THIS BOOK!! Anyways, this chapter is garbage. They just try to book jobs and talk about getting better organised. You know what we need, gals? A nice, cute pallet cleanser. It'll have to do in lieu of a shot of whiskey and a horse tranquilizer.
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