and this is how it's always gonna be...
My mother is very set in her ways.
I know her faith and beliefs are very strong, the appeal being stronger to her even than the appeal of that which exists in the world. Yes, sometimes I fault her for that...not because of her beliefs, mind you. She's entitled, just as everyone else is, to believe what she likes and to have her own opinions about things. That being said, however, it sucks when they run so terribly counter to mine. I try to avoid anything that might renew her fervor to bring me back into the fold, but sometimes it's a weight I just can't bear. Like the other night.
My grandma was discussing some show she really likes. As she was explaining that it was about two brothers who moved in together after one's wife figured out she was a lesbian, my mother silently rose from the table and sat on the couch in the other room, mostly in the dark and entirely alone.
Grandma turned to me and said, "Oh, I'm in trouble."
She scampered off, and I heard her trying to make amends for offending my mother or whatever.
After a frustrating day of frustrating work with frustrating people, I had just about had enough. So I followed grandma into the dark room and asked what the problem was, pretty sure I knew.
"I just don't want to have anything to do with those shows."
"What shows, mom?" I asked.
Silence.
"Shows about brothers living together and the importance of family sticking together?" I baited.
She finally looked up at me. "Shows about lesbians and gays. I know it's out there, but I just don't want to have anything to do with it. And I don't like it in my home."
I bristled for a few seconds, weighed my options, and decided not to turn it into what it cold have been. "I stopped at the barber on my way home from work and have hair all down my shirt, and I just rode my bike for a half hour and am sweaty, so I'm gonna go take a shower now...But this has been nice." Yeah, it was cold (a few of you know the tone and can probably picture my expression oh too well) and it was probably cowardly, but I was stunned back into my life again. Reminded once again about the "deep dark secret" that I dare not reveal lest I be sent away to reconversion camp (yeah, I saw in ad in a recent church leaflet they brought home. "A loved one suffering from the pain and torment of homosexuality?") or whatever.
My grandmother (thank you! thank you! thank you!) complimented the haircut and said it will look great for an upcoming event, changed the subject and got conversation flowing again...which is usually my role, but I let her take it over that time. And since I didn't really want to be the big drama queen, i took the bait and chatted for a while before taking my leave.
Here's the thing: It's not an overwhelming part of my life right now. It springs up from time to time when the mood is right and the planets are aligned properly and such. But for such a small part of what ultimately makes up who I am, it seems like such a huge thing she was attacking...and like eventually it could be an insurmountable obstacle in my relationship with my parents should I choose to clue them in.
Ack...part of the reason I really needed The Great Renewal night yesterday.
I know her faith and beliefs are very strong, the appeal being stronger to her even than the appeal of that which exists in the world. Yes, sometimes I fault her for that...not because of her beliefs, mind you. She's entitled, just as everyone else is, to believe what she likes and to have her own opinions about things. That being said, however, it sucks when they run so terribly counter to mine. I try to avoid anything that might renew her fervor to bring me back into the fold, but sometimes it's a weight I just can't bear. Like the other night.
My grandma was discussing some show she really likes. As she was explaining that it was about two brothers who moved in together after one's wife figured out she was a lesbian, my mother silently rose from the table and sat on the couch in the other room, mostly in the dark and entirely alone.
Grandma turned to me and said, "Oh, I'm in trouble."
She scampered off, and I heard her trying to make amends for offending my mother or whatever.
After a frustrating day of frustrating work with frustrating people, I had just about had enough. So I followed grandma into the dark room and asked what the problem was, pretty sure I knew.
"I just don't want to have anything to do with those shows."
"What shows, mom?" I asked.
Silence.
"Shows about brothers living together and the importance of family sticking together?" I baited.
She finally looked up at me. "Shows about lesbians and gays. I know it's out there, but I just don't want to have anything to do with it. And I don't like it in my home."
I bristled for a few seconds, weighed my options, and decided not to turn it into what it cold have been. "I stopped at the barber on my way home from work and have hair all down my shirt, and I just rode my bike for a half hour and am sweaty, so I'm gonna go take a shower now...But this has been nice." Yeah, it was cold (a few of you know the tone and can probably picture my expression oh too well) and it was probably cowardly, but I was stunned back into my life again. Reminded once again about the "deep dark secret" that I dare not reveal lest I be sent away to reconversion camp (yeah, I saw in ad in a recent church leaflet they brought home. "A loved one suffering from the pain and torment of homosexuality?") or whatever.
My grandmother (thank you! thank you! thank you!) complimented the haircut and said it will look great for an upcoming event, changed the subject and got conversation flowing again...which is usually my role, but I let her take it over that time. And since I didn't really want to be the big drama queen, i took the bait and chatted for a while before taking my leave.
Here's the thing: It's not an overwhelming part of my life right now. It springs up from time to time when the mood is right and the planets are aligned properly and such. But for such a small part of what ultimately makes up who I am, it seems like such a huge thing she was attacking...and like eventually it could be an insurmountable obstacle in my relationship with my parents should I choose to clue them in.
Ack...part of the reason I really needed The Great Renewal night yesterday.