Exhaustion
I'm tired and confused and really need to vent so I decided I would vent here. Don't bother reading behind the cut unless you don't mind a blunt morbid post about dieing slowly.
When hospice first comes out to start caring for a patient they give the family a booklet about the dieing process. It talks about different stages of the body shutting down and what to look for etc etc. The thought being that if you are aware of what is going on it will be less frightening, which I guess makes sense. This booklet also stresses this is only a guide and that everyone is different and some people may just go without going through the whole process. When the hospice nurse comes outs three times a week she can also help evaluate what's going on with the patient and is more than willing to help you understand. All that said, my father has been basically at deaths door for about four months now, his mind pretty much gone and his body just keeping him alive. At that time they had told me they thought his body was starting to shut down, and it has to a certain extent, and then he just stabilized in the state he is now. I watch for signs that he is letting go and sometimes I think I see some and then the next day is different. Sometimes his breathing is so labored and shallow I'm positive that it's only a matter of time and then suddenly his breathing pattern will level out. He isn't bloated or no mottled skin all the other signs that death is near but they told me he may go before that happens. So here I am watching, waiting, trying to go on day to day and never knowing what to expect. The reason I write all this is because I'm starting to wonder how much longer I can do this. Last night was one of those nights where I noticed that he seemed to be struggling to breathe so I sat up by his bed all night. I sit there and I wonder if I should call my family so they can be there, but then I know that it's possible he's just having a rough night. As horrible as this sounds I wish his body would continue to shut down and the nurse could say he can't last but another day or something like you hear other people talk about. Then I could call my family we could all be there and he could hopefully peacefully slip away. He doesn't want to seem to let go however and here we are day by day just going on. I tell him constantly it's ok to let go, that we will all be ok. When I found out my father was dieing the one thing I wished for is that it would be quick and peaceful. No lingering on slowly day by day fading away a little at a time. When I talk to people about how helpless I feel they tell me to turn to god, well if there is a god then why does a man that was a good man all his life, one of the most wonderful people you could be lucky enough to meet... why does he have to die this slow death.