And if I let you down, I will follow you around until you understand
Day One Introduction
Day Two: First Great Love, in great detail
Day Three: Your Parents, in great detail
Day Four, What you ate today, in great detail
I should start off by conceding that It's probably less than legit for someone who claims to have never been in love to speak of what love means to them. For years I have analyzed why I seem to be incapable of having a healthy relationship. I mean, I am hardly closed off to the idea of falling in love. I spend hours a day reading of great romances, crying over sad love songs, and getting emotionally invested in the love lives of fictional characters on television. And, I am definitely not closed off emotionally. In fact, I tend to love everyone I meet, with my whole heart. If a stranger feels something, I feel it too. Deeply. If a patient's family is sobbing in the hall, I start to cry immediately. It doesn't matter that I don't know the patient, or the family, or even the situation. It's just that I can FEEL their pain. Literally. It's part of the reason I think I make a good nurse. I love my patients, I love my residents, I love my friends, I love my family. I will love anyone who is hurting, hungry, or just needs a friend. I am open, and friendly, and giving. If a national tragedy or a global tragedy occurs, I become utterly depressed. I get into a funk that takes days, even weeks to come out of. I laugh if someone else is laughing, regardless of whether or not I know why they are laughing. If other people are having fun, than I am too. If anything, I am always overly emotionally invested. I have taken homeless people to the movies with me, the only verbal altercations I have ever been in have been in defense of someone else's feelings - - never my own.
My problem is and always has been allowing anyone to love ME. I cannot explain why, but I don't let boys close enough to get any invested feelings for me. Loving comes naturally to me, but being loved is for some reason, a wildly uncomfortable notion to me. So, no one has ever been in love with me. I haven't allowed it. I mean, there have been boys that claimed they were. I have received some pretty sincere declarations. But, I don't believe them, because I have never let a boy close enough to really know me well enough to be in love with me. The minute a boy hints at or states an interest in me I immediately put him at an arms distance, and there he stays. I think they "fall in love" with how much it seems that I care for THEM. Because I do. But it is never singularly only for them. I love everyone in my life like that, but people tend to think they are special in my affection. And, sadly, as of yet, that has never been true. Once I put them at arms length and they no longer get that same attention from me, they are easily bored and move on to the next girl. And, that is how I know that they do not really love me.
I hope love will happen for me, if only once. But it will only ever happen if one of two things occur. 1) I am actually interested in a boy enough that I am unable to keep him at arms difference, because 2) he will not let me, and he stays persistent enough to follow me when I insist on running the other way. I am not convinced I will ever be worth all the trouble for anyone, really. There is nothing extraordinary about me that would make me the "one" for anyone. So I am very comfortable with the idea of being alone. Of adopting, and being a single mom. I don't need a boy. I refuse to NEED a man for anything. Ever. I have worked hard to be self sufficient for this exact reason. I am surrounded with the love of a lot of friends and family, so my life doesn't really feel like it's missing anything.
But, I am still a girl, which means that I am still a romantic. In my dreams a boy that looks like Michael Cera, who treats me like Jim Halpert treats his wife, and listens to Seth Cohen's iPod exists out there for me. Even though I know reality will never be like television or the books.
Realistically, though, I know that it won't matter if the guy is nerdy enough for me, or matter if he listens to the same indie rock bands. For me, love will mean caring for someone enough that you don't look at marriage as "tying" you "down," but instead as the beginning of great adventure together. Love will mean compromises, and arguments, but also passion and comfort. When I can sit next to someone on a couch and feel comfortable with that person without having to fill in the silence, I think that is when I will know true love does exist for me. That connection will mean more than whether or not we share the same taste in music or movies.
As a nurse I tend to meet many older couples who have been married for 50 (or way more) years, and still love each other. Still fight like hell with the devil himself with everything they have for just a little more time together. That. That to me is the definition of true love. May we all be so lucky. =D
Day 06 - Your day, in great detail
Day 07 - Your best friend, in great detail
Day 08 - A moment, in great detail
Day 09 - Your beliefs, in great detail
Day 10 - What you wore today, in great detail
Day 11 - Your siblings, in great detail
Day 12 - What’s in your bag, in great detail
Day 13 - This week, in great detail
Day 14 - What you wore today, in great detail
Day 15 - Your dreams, in great detail
Day 16 - Your first kiss, in great detail
Day 17 - Your favorite memory, in great detail
Day 18 - Your favorite birthday, in great detail
Day 19 - Something you regret, in great detail
Day 20 - This month, in great detail
Day 21 - Another moment, in great detail
Day 22 - Something that upsets you, in great detail
Day 23 - Something that makes you feel better, in great detail
Day 24 - Something that makes you cry, in great detail
Day 25 - A first, in great detail
Day 26 - Your fears, in great detail
Day 27 - Your favorite place, in great detail
Day 28 - Something that you miss, in great detail
Day 29 - Your aspirations, in great detail
Day 30 - One last moment, in great detail
Day Two: First Great Love, in great detail
Day Three: Your Parents, in great detail
Day Four, What you ate today, in great detail
I should start off by conceding that It's probably less than legit for someone who claims to have never been in love to speak of what love means to them. For years I have analyzed why I seem to be incapable of having a healthy relationship. I mean, I am hardly closed off to the idea of falling in love. I spend hours a day reading of great romances, crying over sad love songs, and getting emotionally invested in the love lives of fictional characters on television. And, I am definitely not closed off emotionally. In fact, I tend to love everyone I meet, with my whole heart. If a stranger feels something, I feel it too. Deeply. If a patient's family is sobbing in the hall, I start to cry immediately. It doesn't matter that I don't know the patient, or the family, or even the situation. It's just that I can FEEL their pain. Literally. It's part of the reason I think I make a good nurse. I love my patients, I love my residents, I love my friends, I love my family. I will love anyone who is hurting, hungry, or just needs a friend. I am open, and friendly, and giving. If a national tragedy or a global tragedy occurs, I become utterly depressed. I get into a funk that takes days, even weeks to come out of. I laugh if someone else is laughing, regardless of whether or not I know why they are laughing. If other people are having fun, than I am too. If anything, I am always overly emotionally invested. I have taken homeless people to the movies with me, the only verbal altercations I have ever been in have been in defense of someone else's feelings - - never my own.
My problem is and always has been allowing anyone to love ME. I cannot explain why, but I don't let boys close enough to get any invested feelings for me. Loving comes naturally to me, but being loved is for some reason, a wildly uncomfortable notion to me. So, no one has ever been in love with me. I haven't allowed it. I mean, there have been boys that claimed they were. I have received some pretty sincere declarations. But, I don't believe them, because I have never let a boy close enough to really know me well enough to be in love with me. The minute a boy hints at or states an interest in me I immediately put him at an arms distance, and there he stays. I think they "fall in love" with how much it seems that I care for THEM. Because I do. But it is never singularly only for them. I love everyone in my life like that, but people tend to think they are special in my affection. And, sadly, as of yet, that has never been true. Once I put them at arms length and they no longer get that same attention from me, they are easily bored and move on to the next girl. And, that is how I know that they do not really love me.
I hope love will happen for me, if only once. But it will only ever happen if one of two things occur. 1) I am actually interested in a boy enough that I am unable to keep him at arms difference, because 2) he will not let me, and he stays persistent enough to follow me when I insist on running the other way. I am not convinced I will ever be worth all the trouble for anyone, really. There is nothing extraordinary about me that would make me the "one" for anyone. So I am very comfortable with the idea of being alone. Of adopting, and being a single mom. I don't need a boy. I refuse to NEED a man for anything. Ever. I have worked hard to be self sufficient for this exact reason. I am surrounded with the love of a lot of friends and family, so my life doesn't really feel like it's missing anything.
But, I am still a girl, which means that I am still a romantic. In my dreams a boy that looks like Michael Cera, who treats me like Jim Halpert treats his wife, and listens to Seth Cohen's iPod exists out there for me. Even though I know reality will never be like television or the books.
Realistically, though, I know that it won't matter if the guy is nerdy enough for me, or matter if he listens to the same indie rock bands. For me, love will mean caring for someone enough that you don't look at marriage as "tying" you "down," but instead as the beginning of great adventure together. Love will mean compromises, and arguments, but also passion and comfort. When I can sit next to someone on a couch and feel comfortable with that person without having to fill in the silence, I think that is when I will know true love does exist for me. That connection will mean more than whether or not we share the same taste in music or movies.
As a nurse I tend to meet many older couples who have been married for 50 (or way more) years, and still love each other. Still fight like hell with the devil himself with everything they have for just a little more time together. That. That to me is the definition of true love. May we all be so lucky. =D
Day 06 - Your day, in great detail
Day 07 - Your best friend, in great detail
Day 08 - A moment, in great detail
Day 09 - Your beliefs, in great detail
Day 10 - What you wore today, in great detail
Day 11 - Your siblings, in great detail
Day 12 - What’s in your bag, in great detail
Day 13 - This week, in great detail
Day 14 - What you wore today, in great detail
Day 15 - Your dreams, in great detail
Day 16 - Your first kiss, in great detail
Day 17 - Your favorite memory, in great detail
Day 18 - Your favorite birthday, in great detail
Day 19 - Something you regret, in great detail
Day 20 - This month, in great detail
Day 21 - Another moment, in great detail
Day 22 - Something that upsets you, in great detail
Day 23 - Something that makes you feel better, in great detail
Day 24 - Something that makes you cry, in great detail
Day 25 - A first, in great detail
Day 26 - Your fears, in great detail
Day 27 - Your favorite place, in great detail
Day 28 - Something that you miss, in great detail
Day 29 - Your aspirations, in great detail
Day 30 - One last moment, in great detail