2nd percentile
Being on the 2nd percentile* means that in a random group of 100 people with a perfect statistical distribution, there is one other person who does equally bad or worse at IQ tests than you do. Then you and that other person can be labelled 'mentally retarded' or maybe 'borderline retarded'. It can also mean that you are at the other end of the spectrum, and the other person does equally well or better than you. Then you two can be labelled 'gifted'.
When you are at the lower end of the scale, you will learn slower than most of your peers. This doesn't make you a lesser person, nor them. But you will be slower. If you're lucky, you grow up in a loving and understanding environment and are taught that you are worth just as much as everybody else, and that you will learn the important things if you just keep on trying. When you are the upper end of the scale, you will learn faster than most of your peers. This doesn't make you a better person, nor them. If you're lucky, you will grow up in a loving and understanding environment and are taught that you are worth just as much as everybody else ...
Either way, with a bit of not-so-good luck you may end up exerting yourself when trying to fit the average that you lose sight of yourself, lose sight of your unique talents and personality.
I may just be one of those four persons in a perfectly distributed hundred. Four percent aren't few; four percent of the overall world population are 275 mio, give or take a few - but four percent are also an insignificant minoriy.
Yet. Gifted! Priviledged! Isn't that amazing?! - so amazing that I spent most of my life wishing to be more average, the time that I didn't spend wishing to not have been born.
Thursday I got back my first maths test. I didn't cry until Friday evening.
Oh, I got 100%. As expected. Before and during the test, I had quite a bout of test anxiety, but still managed to deduce the formula I had forgotten and finish as one of the first examinees. It's just like that. My classmate, who studied hard before the test, also had test anxiety - and she forgot everything. I feel guilty. I didn't study at home at all.
My teacher commented on how I should start to pay attention in class so that I didn't miss the re-entry point for when I didn't know the topics we're covering already.
I didn't shout at him that I *was* paying attention, even though it was as damn boring as handling a factory machine. I just blushed, furiously. (And felt guilty. Guilty for not having to work hard, like everybody else does. Guilty for not making better use of my talents. Guilty for not standing up for myself. Guilty ...)
I don't even know what I am trying to say, rather; I am trying to find it out myself. Because whatever this mindfuck is, it's keeping me from studying for the three tests we have next week.
And even though I will pass the class by just attending everytime (or most of the times) ... this is not how things are supposed to be. I didn't go back to school in order to endure and pass with luck rather than work. I want to create a way to the future I choose in due time.
*Technically it's the 98th, but that's just a matter of perspective.
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