(no subject)
For the past two months or so I haven't been myself. At the end of October somebody close to me hurt me badly and the way I delt with it was just pretending it never happened. Subconsionsly, I knew that wasn't the way to deal with it but I felt that it was the best. I also began taking this new approach that I wasn't going to let anybody else that I cared about hurt me, so I would hurt them before they could do it to me. It started with my mom. My mom and I are very close and I love everything about her. It began with blowing her off when she wanted to talk, and when I did talk to her it was full of a bunch of "mmmhhmm's" and "yah's...." We went to San Diego together and I even treated her like shit there. I knew I was doing it at the time, but it never triggered in my head that this isn't how somebody I love deserves to be treated. My mom started blowing me off too but at the time didn't care. Next came my sister, who yes can be stupid sometimes, but still doesn't deserve how I treated her. I had my family taken care of..except my dad...I guess I realized that my dad wouldn't put up with that...he would never not treat me differently for how i treated him...his emotions are solid..he knows that the people that he loves and love him in return would never intend on hurting him. As I got bitchier with my family, i began the bitchiness on my friends. I was moody, usually pissy, and ultrasensitive. I knew something was going on, but I didn't know how to admit it. I don't know what happened from the middle of November till now but I hate it. My new tactics became "push them out of your life, you won't see them in eight months anyways. if you make them not mean anything to you now, it won't hurt when you have to leave them." Heather, Kari, Ana, Mom, Dad, Sam, Sister, Elisabeth, Whitney, Alex P, Kevin...and anybody else who I've affected without even realizing it. All the people in my life mean so much to me, and I've forgotten that. Also, about a month ago I also began the realization that I wasn't really sure of where I belonged. It started with a comment Kari made.."If we weren't friends, we probablly wouldn't be friends." Yes, profound...but then she explained it.."We're different, you have to admit that. And if we hadn't been friends for such a long time, I think that we wouldn't realize that we could be such good friends." I never saw myself different from Kari up until that moment. Sure, we may dress differently, like different stuff, have different opinions, etc., but that had never kept us apart before. I thought "I don't have many friends that are like me. Most of them don't like the same music as me, dress like me, think like me, do the stuff I do, have the same ideas as me. I need new people. I need people like me." This is another thing that triggered the iscolation from the people I love. I was searching for people like me. The other night...I found them. We liked the same stuff, had the same "style", these people were like me. But there was something missing...and I couldn't figure it out quite yet. This was all a quick process from the time I met these people and realized what I have been doing..and I'm very thankful for that. So basically I felt as if I found the people I've been looking to be accepted by..I started having the moments that I've always seen play out in my mind...but never actually happen. But still, I would come home sad. It dawned on me. These people weren't like me on the inside. I connected with them...but I could never see myself ice blocking, riding the train at RTC, laughing so hard i pee my pants, playing the weird funny face game with them. I have never apprectiated my friends more in my life. It's sort of scary to be searching so hard for something that you shouldn't be destined to find. In a way, it is bitter sweet. Bitter because I hurt so many people along the way. But sweet because I have never been more in love with my friends in my life. My true friends. Yes, I am different than every single one of you...but you are different than every single one of them..and I love each and every one of you for this. I may have a different "style" than most of you..but why does somebody's style determine who they're friends with? Why does it determine who you are? It's not the clothes, the music, the ideas, the hobbies that matter..it's that connection that I've been trying to break for some reason. All this time my intention was to hurt you...it sounds terrible but I'm being honest. Just know this...in the end I was the one who was the most hurt. For once, I can't blame this pain on anybody else but myself. So to all of the people that I've hurt...I can't even say sorry..it's not enough.