Fic: This Time | Part III
Title: THIS TIME - Part III
Type: AU, Angst/Romance
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Kris Allen/Adam Lambert
PART III
“Adam,” Matt said, snapping his fingers and waving his hand in front of Adam’s face. “Adam! Hello?”
Adam looked up to see Matt standing right in front him. “Yeah, what?”
“Dude,” Matt said, sitting down in the conference chair next him. “What the hell is going on? You’ve been drifting in every damn meeting, unfocused and just not paying attention.”
Adam stood up and ran his hands through his hair. “Nothing. I’m fine. Just a little distracted is all. What’s my schedule for this week?”
Matt reached over the table to grab his laptop and punched in a few keys. “Let’s see photo shoot tomorrow morning with GQ, then cocktail reception at the MOCA in downtown…” Matt trailed off and looked at Adam who was facing out the floor-to-ceiling windows of the CAA management office. “Your studio session has been cancelled, but we have you booked for a guest judge gig on People’s Court and then the Pink Pussy is having an open mic night that I think you’ll kick ass at.”
Adam nodded absently, “Yeah, that’s fine.”
Matt leaned back and sighed, “Repeat your schedule to me.”
Adam turned sharply, “What?”
“Repeat the schedule I just listed out.”
“GQ photo shoot…um” Adam closed his eyes. “Something about cocktails and my studio session.”
Matt stood up slowly and yanked at his cuffs. “You, my dear, need to get your head out of your ass and focus.”
“I’m fine,” Adam growled. “Just print up my schedule and email a copy to Lennie. She’ll put it in my phone with the proper alarms, and I’ll be wherever I’m supposed to be.”
“So you’ll do the open mic night?” Matt questioned, leaning over the table and turning off the laptop.
Adam shook his head, confused, “What? What open mic? What the fuck are you people booking for me?”
“This is exactly what I’m talking about you jackass,” Matt stated, slamming the laptop closed. “You’re not paying attention. I need you focused. You’re only in LA for a few more weeks…”
“No.” Adam turned back to look out the windows and stared at the Hollywood Hills sprawled out on the north side of the building.
“No, what?”
“No, I’m not leaving LA. Not anytime soon.”
Matt stuttered, “Wha- what? When did this happen?” He opened the laptop again to boot up.
“It’s not in the schedule.” Adam turned away from the windows and faced Matt. His manager was scrambling through notes now, trying to locate this change. “I- I have some things to take care of while I’m in town, and until it’s done, I’m not leaving. I’ve just decided.”
“Fuuuuuuuuuuck,” Matt drawled out. He grabbed a chair and sat. “What are you doing, Adam? Talk to me, what’s going on?”
Adam looked at Matt and saw his old friend loosen his tie and cuffs. “I saw Kris.”
Matt froze, “What? When? How? Why didn’t you tell me? When did you see him?”
Adam held his hand out, “Let’s finish here and grab a drink. I have a feeling we’re both going to need one-or five.”
“So, yeah, I had Lennie dig up his address and find out whatever information she could about him. I’ve sent him a few notes and invitations for dinner or lunch, but I haven’t heard from him. I just need to talk to him.”
Matt slid to the floor, resting his back against the base of Adam’s suede couch, the hardwood floors, bringing a necessary chill to his body to sober him up. They nearly finished the bottle of Belvedere and it wasn’t even noon yet. Kris Allen. A name that Matt thought had disappeared from Adam’s head years ago. And now, like a phoenix from the ashes, he was back in their lives in a major way.
No wonder Adam’s been distracted. Shit, it was, what, ten years now? Ten years since Matt put a drunken friend onto a plane and away from Los Angeles. Twelve years since Matt hustled the music industry to make Adam a star. At least seven years since that name was even uttered. Adam was beyond a mess and a half back then. Drinking, crying and thisclose to slipping into a depression that nobody would have been able to drag Adam out of.
Matt had kept him busy traveling and working all across Europe. Five years ago, they made the cross back into the U.S. with Adam an international star. And now, after a chance encounter at an event that Adam wasn’t even scheduled to appear at, Adam was back to being an emotional mess. Matt exhaled deeply and leaned his head on the couch. He felt Adam pat his head from where he was sprawled out on the actual couch.
“What are you going to do?” Matt asked, resignation in his voice. Adam would be useless until this was resolved. Might as well try to move it along.
“I don’t know,” Adam mumbled sleepily.
He hadn’t been sleeping and the make-up wasn’t covering up the bags and dark circles under Adam’s eyes. Now Matt knew the source. Now Matt would try to fix it. He fixed Adam before, he could do it again. Talk about a punch to the gut. Adam was at the peak of his career, and he didn’t need these kinds of disruptions. Not now, not ever.
“I miss him,” Adam continued, slurring a little. “I always did a little bit, but I didn’t know how much until I actually saw him. He was my everything you know. And the other night, I was so close to him. But I think-no-I know he hates me. I don’t blame him you know. I wasn’t man enough to even call him, instead I left. Even after that, I didn’t talk to him, didn’t let him know what was going on. I hate myself for how selfish I was, how big of an ass I was. I’m trying to fix it, Matt. I am, but he won’t let me.”
Matt turned to see Adam curled in the fetal position on the couch above him. Adam’s eyes were closed, but Matt saw the tears spilling from the corners. “I’ll fix it Adam,” he whispered. Matt got up and covered Adam with a blanket and left the room.
From inside the kitchen, Matt called Lennie. “It’s me. Yeah, I’m with him. Give me everything you found about Kris.” He paused. “Yeah, thanks. Yeah, I’ll let you know.”
Matt paced in the kitchen, trying to figure out what to do next. He dialed a number and just left a message. “I need information on a Kris with a K, Allen. Residence in Los Angeles. Everything you got-personal and professional-for the last ten years.” Then sat down and waited.
“Why are you being such a bitch?” Matt yelled as he paced Adam’s backyard.
“It wasn’t a meeting I needed to be at,” Adam scoffed. He was sitting under the patio, picking at his lunch. “Besides, I was busy and it wasn’t in the schedule Lennie sent me last night.”
Matt stopped and glared. His shoulders slumped as he studied Adam. Adam had lost a lot of weight, making him even leaner, while the energy he normally exuded no longer existed. At least it seemed like Adam was sleeping, the dark circles under his eyes disappeared. Matt walked up and stood over Adam.
Adam looked up and growled, “What?”
“Let me help you.”
Adam tossed the fork onto the plate, watching it clang off the china and skitter across the table. “No.”
Matt threw his arms up, “Why not?”
“You never liked him, so why are you offering your help now?” Adam’s eyes slanted with accusation.
“I want to help.”
“Your idea of help will be me leaving Los Angeles yesterday. In your ideal world, you want me as far away from Kris Allen as possible. I would be the man-whore Casanova traipsing across Manhattan, London or Sydney. Did it ever cross your mind that I’ve never had a long-term relationship with anybody since Kris? That the men I did date all looked like him? That maybe I want to settle down and have a family like you?”
Adam jerked up, knocking back the chair he was sitting in. He raised his arms up and pointed to the backyard and the house. “I bought this house in the Palisades three years ago and this is the first time I’ve actually spent more than a week in it. I haven’t hit a club or bar in all this time. I don’t want to work the ‘single and mingling’ scene anymore. I chose to live here so I wouldn’t have to. I want to share it with somebody I’m ridiculously head over heels for, Matt,” he stated emphatically, putting his fist by his heart. “I want to share this-all this-and my life and everything in it, with someone who loves me back the same way I love them.”
Matt uprighted the chair and pushed Adam back into it. He leaned against the table, “You’re my friend first, client second. I want what’s best for you. I want you to be happy. And, for the record, it’s not that I didn’t like Kris. I just wanted you focused on your career. It’s so fucking hard to break into the industry, and I didn’t want him distracting you from that. We talked about making it and you taking over the music world for years; night and day we had the same discussion over and over.”
“Kris never distracted me from that,” Adam stated flatly. “He actually helped me. A lot.”
“I know that looking back, but then? I was more concerned about you and your career, Adam. We were both young and idealistic about, hell, everything. Yes, I was pushing you hard, but you can’t say I wasn’t looking out for you. You made it, Adam. So, now, let me help you with the other stuff like I did before.”
Adam’s head dropped as he slid low into the chair, nearly slipping out of it. He shrugged, “Don’t know what you can do that will help.”
“Do you still love him? As in you’re still in love with him?”
Adam nodded, “I don’t think I ever stopped.”
“Then let me help you.”
Matt’s heart broke as he saw the unshed tears in Adam’s eyes when Adam finally looked up at him.
“Okay.”
Kris walked into the reception area of his office, head cricked with the phone on his shoulder, papers and folders under one arm that also held a coffee cup while his other hand pulled a small suitcase. He peered over to Lena, his assistant, who had a strange look on her face for this late in the afternoon. Kris gave her a look silently asking what the problem was, and she pointed to the closed door of the small conference room. Kris shook his head, not understanding, but she kept pointing. Eventually she got up, led him to the room, opened the door and pushed him inside.
Kris promised his caller that he’d call back and shut his cell phone off. He froze, barely hearing the click of the door as his assistant exited the room.
Matt turned and faced Kris. He walked towards him, hand outstretched. Kris quickly put the cup down to meet his hand.
“Um, Matt,” Kris stuttered. “Ah, um, what are you doing here?”
“Kris,” Matt replied stoically. He kept his handshake brief, then retreated back to where he had been standing, his back to Kris, hands in his pocket. Matt continued to gaze out the small window that overlooked the busy street below.
Shaken, Kris moved around the small room to place his suitcase out of the way. He grabbed his coffee and leaned against the credenza.
“Nice to see you too,” Kris remarked sarcastically in between sips. “It’s only been, what ten years? Is this some sick reunion you and Adam decided to put together and make me crazy?”
Matt laughed and turned. “I guess you have changed.”
“People have a tendency to do that you know.”
“Sometimes,” Matt said cryptically, as he pulled out a chair to sit.
Kris watched and waited. He didn’t know what game they were playing, but he was getting sick of it. He had stopped getting notes and gifts from Adam. It had been at least a week. Kris thought maybe Adam had given up. Naturally, just as he thought that, Matt shows up at his office.
“Listen, as much as I don’t appreciate you being here and surprising me, I have stuff to do,” Kris stated. “It’s almost 4:00, I just flew in. I’m tired. Tell me what you’re doing here, then leave and go live your life.”
Matt leaned back in the chair and gave Kris a once-over. “You know why I’m here.” He motioned for Kris to sit.
Kris remained standing, “Actually, I don’t. And, since this shouldn’t take long, no need for me to sit.” Kris continued to drink from his and waited for Matt to speak.
“Fine,” Matt stated. “I want you to keep away from Adam. I thought the break-up was good for him back then; he poured his heart and soul into his music and didn’t focus on anything else.” Kris opened his mouth to protest, but Matt cut him off, “No, let me finish. But since he saw you a few weeks ago, he’s been a mopey, whiny asshole. He won’t be a happy camper until he sees you again, which means I won’t be a happy camper. And because I’m his friend, I’m here to see when this can happen.”
Kris felt himself turn red with anger. He slammed the cup down, but decided to take a breath. “I really don’t care if Adam is happy or not. I don’t care if you’re happy or not. I have nothing to say to him. He can keep being a whiny asshole. I don’t know why we need to see each other again to re-hash all this. He’s apologized-twice. I said I accepted. Nothing more needs to be said or done, and we sure as hell don’t need to see each other again. End of story.”
Laughing bitterly, Matt retorted, “It’s not the ‘end of the story’ Kris.” He put Kris’s words in haughty air quotes. “And, as much as I would like to think and hope it is, it’s not. So I’m here to…”
“No.”
Matt leaned back into the chair and again. His fingers playing along the edges of a file folder and envelope Kris just now noticed was on the table. Matt didn’t look up, but continued, “I’m here to make sure my friend gets what he needs. I don’t know what he’s looking for-closure, forgiveness-I don’t care. He’s hurting and I’m trying to find a way to fix it.”
“No.”
Matt slid the envelope across the table towards Kris. “He’s putting out an EP of B-sides, you know.”
Kris remained silent and standing. Like he cared. He was still trying to figure out why Matt was here and trying to get Kris to do this. Sure he just said he cared for Adam, but Matt hated Kris from the moment Adam introduced them. At first Kris thought Matt was jealous of their relationship. After a few months, Kris realized Matt wasn’t jealous, just overly cautious of Adam’s boyfriend and too ambitious in his pursuit of garnering Adam fame and fortune. It wasn’t personal, Kris was just in the way. There was slow, grudging acceptance after a while, but Kris and Matt never became besties.
After Adam disappeared from Kris’s life, Kris figured Matt actually danced naked down the street of whatever town they were in out of joy.
Matt picked up the folder and tapped it on the table, waiting for a reaction from Kris. He stared at the man standing against a chipped credenza that was in a small yet clean conference room. There was no sign of anything personal in the office as a whole, and yes, Matt snuck in and looked while Kris’s assistant was at lunch.
There were the usual client and event photos in nice frames on various tables, gift-bag items and other swag; personal photos of the couple of employees, all-in-all, a typical office setting. Except, Matt realized, nothing personal about Kris Allen at all. No personal photos, no personal items of any kind. Like he was here, but wasn’t. Matt found that weird and telling at the same time. It was, after all, Kris’s company, shouldn’t there be something?
They continued in silence and finally Matt decided to break it. “Meet Adam for lunch. We can do it here or my office or I’ll even rent out a space for the day.”
Kris leaned his head back to finish off the last drop of coffee. Damn, he needed more to get through this meeting.
“No. Now leave.” Kris threw the paper cup into the trash, grabbed his paper and started to open the door.
Matt stood up. He grabbed the envelope and thrust it into Kris’s hands. “Listen to what’s in this. My number’s in the envelope. Call anytime and I can make the arrangements.” He walked to the door. “He’s not leaving town until you do. Thought you should know,” Matt said as he finally left the office.
It had been another week of meetings and events. Kris had pretty much forgotten about the envelope until he was sorting out the various invoices sitting on his desk. He toyed with it, almost deciding to dump it into the trash bin, but his curiosity eventually got the best of him. Kris stuffed it into his messenger bag and headed home.
After putting away the remnants of his pasta dinner, Kris grabbed the half-empty beer bottle and padded into the living room in his socks. He lifted up the torn cargo pants over his knees so he could sit cross-legged on the couch. He pulled the envelope out of his bag and examined it. He held it up to the light to see if anything seeped through the paper, but as he patted it down, it was obvious that it contained a CD or DVD.
As soon as Kris ripped it open, the clear plastic case of a CD holder and business card with Matt’s number fell into this lap. The CD wasn’t labeled, but Kris didn’t expect it to be. He thought back to what Matt said, an EP of B-sides. Kris leaned across the table to pull the laptop up next to him. Inserting the CD, Kris waited.
Music filled the room. He fell back against the couch and closed his eyes to Adam’s voice overtaking everything. Kris sat up abruptly as he heard familiar lyrics. The actual instrumentals were different, but the lyrics…the lyrics were his. He maximized the screen to see what the notes said, but just read “Track 01,” “Track 02,” etc.
Kris skipped over to the next track and the next until he heard snippets of all seven songs. He couldn’t believe his ears as he hit replay to listen to them all again properly from beginning to end.
Holy shit. He’d actually gone and done it. Adam recorded a couple of Kris’s songs and was releasing them. Two of them were definitely his, both of the songs written after huge fights.
Track 01
“This time you say it’s for good;
You’ve played kind for as long as you could, yeah;
With your head in your hands and your tears on my chest;
I think to myself I’m not giving up yet and I say;
Is it over or can I turn you around;
If I crawl on my knees;
To rewrite our story tonight;
Would you care or are you already gone?”
Kris scrambled off the couch and ran to the spare second bedroom. He dug through the desk drawer until he found the thumb drive he tossed in. Plugging it in, he clicked through the various screens until the same music came through the laptop speakers. The tracks on the thumb drive were plain, obviously not as polished and final as the ones on the CD, but they were essentially the same tracks.
Track 02
“Unspoken in silence, let’s stay here tonight;
There’s no reason to ask me ‘cause you know what’s inside;
Don’t worry now, seasons will change;
Forgive my mouth, not letting you walk away;
Take your love, bring it back, bring it back;
Think before you leave;
I forgot what love is, bring it back;
Tell me that you believe what fate’s been telling me…”
Damn. The songs Kris had written all those years ago were alive and being sung by one of the most beautiful voices in the world. It was a complete departure from all of Adam’s albums. Yeah, his previous albums had a few ballads mixed in, but this EP was ALL ballads. Heavy on the synthesizers, Kris smirked, but essentially it was Adam’s amazing voice and more sophisticated instruments and production surrounding it than Kris’s acoustic guitar or solo piano lines. Adam was able to articulate the aches and pains behind the words and express the passion and tenderness with each line.
Kris had stopped writing and playing music after Adam disappeared. He couldn’t bear to even touch his guitar anymore. It was too painful to remember the Sundays they had spent, messing around with lyrics, singing together, bouncing ideas off each other. Kris wasn’t as good a singer as Adam, but he did know the technical side to music. Kris liked to think he made Adam a better singer and musician because of it.
Adam did sing a few of Kris’s songs in the showcases; however, they weren’t power songs, they were a platform for his voice. Kris knew no one was going to run out and record them, but as long as Adam loved them, Kris was happy. The audience mostly indulged Adam when he did this, and he did it because he knew Kris was in the audience. Kris remembered blushing every time a piano or acoustic guitar came out to accompany Adam. Thinking back, he didn’t realize Adam had kept some of the notebooks and now was ready to let the world hear some of what Kris wrote.
As Kris listened to the rest of the songs, the lyrics popped out at him even more. Adam sang about heartache and heartbreak. This collection didn’t have the synth-electro-pop dance tracks that Adam was famous for. This was a major departure, Kris, realized, as all the songs were about heartbreak…and forgiveness?
Kris stopped the first two tracks and focused on the rest of the songs. As each one played, Kris paid closer attention to the lyrics. The excited part of him fell to the wayside as he listened closely to the words of the rest of the CD. Kris was so wound up about hearing Adam singing music that he had written, he had barely paid attention to the other tracks. He hit rewind on tracks five, six and seven.
Track 05
“Guess it was not meant to be;
It's not as bad as it seems;
It only burns when I breathe;
You saw the way that I fell;
But I'm better off by myself;
That's the tale I like to tell;
But it's not that easy for me to say goodbye;
Everything in me wants you back in my life;
Can't let you go;
Can't let you go…”
Kris felt like the breath had been knocked out of him. He clicked the replay button to listen to it again, and there it was. He clicked the mouse to track six. He wasn’t going crazy.
Track 06
“Outside the rain's fallin' down;
There's not a drop that hits me;
Scream at the sky but no sound;
Is leavin' my lips;
It's like I can't even feel;
After the way you touched me;
I'm not asleep but I'm not awake;
After the way you loved me;
I can't turn this around;
I keep running into walls that I can't break down;
I said I just wander around;
With my eyes wide shut because of you;
I'm a sleepwalker walker walker;
I'm a sleepwalker walker walker;
Let me out of this dream…”
Kris stopped breathing. As he continued to listen closely, he felt tears falling from his face. He violently wiped them off with the backs of his hands. Why was he crying? He tried to focus on the last song.
Track 07
“I’ve been sitting, watching life pass from the sidelines;
Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds;
I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind;
Would the wind be at my back;
Could I get you off my mind;
This time…”
Kris pulled up his shirt to wipe at his face. Damn him. Damn him to hell. Kris clicked the various windows of his laptop trying to find more information. He then tore open the envelope to see if any other notes were there…Nothing.
Kris grabbed his cell. He hesitated in making the call. He shouldn’t make the call. He didn’t know why he should think that this was Adam’s message to him. But both Adam and Matt had left Kris with the same music and no letter or anything behind it. When did Adam record these songs? How long had he been holding onto them? Why now? It’s not like Adam knew when they would run into each other. Kris had so many questions and no one to answer them.
He shouldn’t cave, but his heart hurt so badly. The songs repeated automatically, and as the last track started up again, he reached out to grab the box of tissues on the lamp table. He yanked a handful out and just cried. He wanted the comfort of Adam’s arms around him while he sobbed like a baby. Kris heard Adam’s voice seize the room and pound into him. Over and over, he felt the music like a physical sensation. The words crushed him. He fell over on the couch and sobbed into the tissues and cushions.
The ring and vibration of the phone shocked him awake. He didn’t know what time it was. Disoriented, he sat up to answer the phone. His face felt bloated and damp. He clicked without looking at who was calling, responding while trying to pick the dried tissue pieces away from his eyes and nose.
“Hello?” Kris knew he sounded sick or stuffed up.
A pause. “Kris? Everything okay sweetie?”
“Um, Megan, yeah. Uh, why?”
“You sound sick or like you were crying,” she said softly. “Were you crying?”
“Uh…” Kris stopped. Megan knew him too well, and she would smell the lie even through the phone. “Kinda, yeah. A long couple of weeks and I guess I just broke down.”
“Do you want me to come over?”
Kris shook his head, then realized she couldn’t see. “No, I’m okay.” He gave up on his face and laid back down on the couch, face up this time. “I…I think I’m going to make a call I might regret.”
Megan was silent on the other end. “Good.”
Kris laughed bitterly, “We’ll see how good this is after I make the call.”
“I’m here if you need me.”
“I know,” Kris sighed. “And thank you.”
“Of course,” she replied brightly.
“Oh, um, did you need something?” Kris looked out the windows and saw how dark it was. He peered at the clock on the wall and saw it was almost midnight. “It’s late, everything okay with you?”
Megan laughed, “Yeah, everything’s good. Just had a weird feeling I should call you, so I did.”
Kris rolled his eyes, knowing she couldn’t see, “You’re a strange bird darlin’.”
“Of course I am and that’s why you love me.”
“That I do, Megan. That I do.”
“Goodnight Kris.”
“Goodnight.”
Kris stared at his cell phone, still debating whether to make the call or not. He reached over to grab the card and dialed the number. Without preamble or pleasantries, Kris blurted, “What day, what time and where?”
Kris sat at the table waiting for Matt. Matt seemed to have been expecting his call, so they made arrangements to meet for lunch today. Kris made sure he arrived first and seated himself to face out into the restaurant. He didn’t want any surprises.
Matt arrived alone as promised. He was easily flirting with the hostess as she led him to their table. This Matt was in jeans and t-shirt. This was the Matt Kris remembered from the early days, the days before the Armani power suits and French cuffs and ties that cost more than some car payments.
They didn’t greet each other or extend hands for handshakes and did without the customary small talk. They waited in silence as the waiter filled their water cups and took their food order.
Kris jumped right in, still antsy and shaking from another listen he had subjected himself to in the morning before leaving for the meeting. “When did he record this?”
Matt showed no surprise and answered deftly, “Over the last few years actually. They’re all B-sides, like I said. The songs were put together here and there, and they were all left off his other albums for various reasons. These were the ones that weren’t even the bonus tracks.” Matt shrugged.
“Why?”
Matt laughed as played with his glass of water. “Now that’s an interesting question. There could be a ton of reasons for it. The couple of songs you wrote, the others that he wrote or co-wrote with others. In short, I don’t know. You’ll have to ask Adam.”
Kris stared at Matt and bit his tongue. It’s not that he expected answers from Matt, Kris just hoped he would get some semblance of understanding. Obviously he had expected too much.
“So essentially I have to see Adam to get the answers.”
Matt smirked, “Pretty much.”
“Then why did you agree to this meeting instead of just making me set up a time with Adam?” Kris asked.
Matt frowned, “Honestly? I wanted to see your reaction after listening to it. I was curious.”
This time Kris frowned, “What kind of reaction did you expect?”
Matt leaned over, face completely serious. “Adam was fucked up for a long time after the break-up. It took everything I had to bring him back, to get him to focus on his music. He never told me the whys and hows of what happened. And I never asked. All I know is that he called me that night, and he was a mess. I’m the one that booked his ticket to New York, and then I shipped him off to London to stay with a friend. I flew out the next morning and for the next two weeks, he barely ate, barely spoke. The only thing he did was write and cry. I told him to call you. I told him I’d fly him back home to see you, but he wouldn’t...or couldn’t, I don’t know.”
They both eyed each other. Seeing no reaction from Kris, Matt continued, “What should have been the happiest time of his life after getting that record contract turned out to be the worst. Getting him into the studio was one of the hardest things I had to do. We eventually put down a few tracks in London. Then we were in New York to finish the rest of the album. Again, he put all his energy in that one task, and that’s it. The rest of the time, he barely went out, barely talked to people. I knew he was hurting, but I didn’t know what to do to help him. He refused to talk to me about you two, and I didn’t push. Then promotional tour happened, and it was brutal on everyone, but especially him.”
“It was unprecedented, of course, a label and studio signing up a gay artist like Adam. But he still needed to prove himself and he needed to sell albums. The publicity, the concerts-everything eventually took its toll. He started taking pills…to sleep. Then pills to wake up.” Matt paused as the waiter brought their food, pasting a brilliant smile on his face. After she left, Matted picked at the food. “Obviously, this is not something I wanted the label to find out about. I forced him into an out-patient center to wean him off the pills. He finally agreed to talk to a therapist. It helped him a lot…maybe too much.”
Kris interrupted, “What do you mean?”
Matt didn’t look up from his food, continuing to move it around the plate, “He became overly social. Um, dating a lot. He became the life of every party and the toast of every town we were in.” He finally looked up to gauge Kris’s expression.
Kris kept his face carefully masked. He wanted to hear this, needed to hear this. Better to come from Matt. Kris didn’t know if he’d be able to handle this from Adam directly. Of course Kris knew the moment Adam had became a huge star. Adam’s face was everywhere. His music was everywhere. Over the years, Kris did everything he could to avoid it and tried to know nothing about what the tabloids reported.
“Good for him,” Kris replied when it looked like Matt was expecting some kind of reaction.
Raising an eyebrow, Matt said nothing. They were both toying with their food, eventually taking bites in silence.
“I know you quit your teaching job and stopped playing music,” Matt said nonchalantly. “Started this event planning gig, what five years ago, and lucked into some pretty high-profile clients. Granted they weren’t high-profile at the time, but they are now, aren’t they?”
Now it was Kris’s turn to shrug. He wasn’t surprised Matt found all this out. It wasn’t like Kris was ashamed of what he was doing. “Needed a change of pace. Helped a friend out a few times, figured it was enough to keep me occupied and it paid the bills.”
“You also dated here and there, but no long-term relationships in the last ten years.”
That Matt knew this bit of news shocked Kris and it obviously showed on his face.
“Don’t tell me you’re surprised Kris,” Matt chuckled. “Of course I’m going to check up on you…everything about you. What you’ve been doing all this time.”
“How…why…”
“I need to look out for Adam,” Matt said putting his fork down. “I needed to make sure that there wouldn’t be a chance for you to hurt him again.”
Kris erupted, sputtering angrily, “Me? Hurt HIM again? Fuck you! And fuck Adam! Don’t you dare tell me that I hurt him…He hurt me. Left ME. Without a word, a call...nothing. It’s NOT the other way around. He left ME to...”
Kris was belligerent and words were not coming out like he needed them to, “Ten fucking years of silence. I finally make a life for myself. I’m happy. I…I…this is…god!”
He pulled at his hair, “I was doing fine until you both showed up, and I’m supposed to do what? Be thankful? You want to make sure I don’t….Oh my god! This is complete bullshit. I actually thought…I listened to the CD and… Yeah, I don’t need to go through this again.” Kris stood up abruptly, knocking over his chair. He bent to pick it up and stormed out of the restaurant.
“Shit!” Matt groaned. This was not how it was supposed to go. He needed to fix this fast.
Adam was nervous. He was going to see Kris today. He had been ready to give up on hearing from Kris until Matt called yesterday. Adam made Lennie and Matt clear out his entire schedule for the week to make sure that any day and time Kris was free, Adam would be free too.
Naturally Kris wanted to meet someplace neutral. The recording studio was as neutral yet as private as one could get. Good security, but soundproof walls so that no one could hear the potential yelling and shouting and report back to the tabloids. Adam harbored no illusions that the meeting would go any further than just that, just a meeting. But, a part of him held hope that Kris still had feelings for him. That the time Adam cleared for the rest of the week would be time spent together so that they could get to know each other again, or at least to see how much Adam would have to make up to Kris. A week wouldn’t be enough, but it would be a start, as long as he was able to get that time from Kris.
Adam showed up early. The meeting wasn’t until 5:00, but he figured he could work out his nerves by using the studio. But, instead of heading inside the recording booth, Adam stayed in the small lobby area. He sat and twirled the leather chair clockwise, then counter-clockwise, killing time and making himself a little dizzy. He stopped when he heard the door. His shy smile turned into a frown when he saw Matt.
Matt looked downcast and upset as he walked through the door. Adam leaned over the arm of the chair to see if Kris was behind him.
“Where’s Kris?” he asked nervously.
“Uh,” Matt hesitated. “About that…”
“Where. Is. He.” Adam demanded.
Adam stood up and went to the door. He opened it and peered to his left and right and left again, the hallway remaining empty and quiet. Adam turned and faced Matt.
“That’s the thing,” Matt stammered. He brought his hand up to rub his neck. Adam knew that move. Matt was thinking about lying, but couldn’t. He was trying to find a way to break bad news to Adam.
Matt knew it was his fault. The look on Adam’s face was pure joy when he walked in, and Matt killed it by making a mess of things. Adam slumped back into the chair, downcast.
“He’s not coming,” Matt exhaled. “I’m working on it though.”
Adam shook his head, “No. It’s okay. I just thought…”
Then just as quickly, Adam stood up, angry and defiant. “No, actually, it’s not okay. This isn’t how it’s supposed to go. Fuck this.” Adam grabbed his jacket and stormed out of the room.
Matt collapsed into the ratty couch by the door, head in his hands. He knew where Adam was headed, and didn’t have the energy to stop him. It had to be done.
~~continued~~
PART IV
Type: AU, Angst/Romance
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Kris Allen/Adam Lambert
PART III
“Adam,” Matt said, snapping his fingers and waving his hand in front of Adam’s face. “Adam! Hello?”
Adam looked up to see Matt standing right in front him. “Yeah, what?”
“Dude,” Matt said, sitting down in the conference chair next him. “What the hell is going on? You’ve been drifting in every damn meeting, unfocused and just not paying attention.”
Adam stood up and ran his hands through his hair. “Nothing. I’m fine. Just a little distracted is all. What’s my schedule for this week?”
Matt reached over the table to grab his laptop and punched in a few keys. “Let’s see photo shoot tomorrow morning with GQ, then cocktail reception at the MOCA in downtown…” Matt trailed off and looked at Adam who was facing out the floor-to-ceiling windows of the CAA management office. “Your studio session has been cancelled, but we have you booked for a guest judge gig on People’s Court and then the Pink Pussy is having an open mic night that I think you’ll kick ass at.”
Adam nodded absently, “Yeah, that’s fine.”
Matt leaned back and sighed, “Repeat your schedule to me.”
Adam turned sharply, “What?”
“Repeat the schedule I just listed out.”
“GQ photo shoot…um” Adam closed his eyes. “Something about cocktails and my studio session.”
Matt stood up slowly and yanked at his cuffs. “You, my dear, need to get your head out of your ass and focus.”
“I’m fine,” Adam growled. “Just print up my schedule and email a copy to Lennie. She’ll put it in my phone with the proper alarms, and I’ll be wherever I’m supposed to be.”
“So you’ll do the open mic night?” Matt questioned, leaning over the table and turning off the laptop.
Adam shook his head, confused, “What? What open mic? What the fuck are you people booking for me?”
“This is exactly what I’m talking about you jackass,” Matt stated, slamming the laptop closed. “You’re not paying attention. I need you focused. You’re only in LA for a few more weeks…”
“No.” Adam turned back to look out the windows and stared at the Hollywood Hills sprawled out on the north side of the building.
“No, what?”
“No, I’m not leaving LA. Not anytime soon.”
Matt stuttered, “Wha- what? When did this happen?” He opened the laptop again to boot up.
“It’s not in the schedule.” Adam turned away from the windows and faced Matt. His manager was scrambling through notes now, trying to locate this change. “I- I have some things to take care of while I’m in town, and until it’s done, I’m not leaving. I’ve just decided.”
“Fuuuuuuuuuuck,” Matt drawled out. He grabbed a chair and sat. “What are you doing, Adam? Talk to me, what’s going on?”
Adam looked at Matt and saw his old friend loosen his tie and cuffs. “I saw Kris.”
Matt froze, “What? When? How? Why didn’t you tell me? When did you see him?”
Adam held his hand out, “Let’s finish here and grab a drink. I have a feeling we’re both going to need one-or five.”
“So, yeah, I had Lennie dig up his address and find out whatever information she could about him. I’ve sent him a few notes and invitations for dinner or lunch, but I haven’t heard from him. I just need to talk to him.”
Matt slid to the floor, resting his back against the base of Adam’s suede couch, the hardwood floors, bringing a necessary chill to his body to sober him up. They nearly finished the bottle of Belvedere and it wasn’t even noon yet. Kris Allen. A name that Matt thought had disappeared from Adam’s head years ago. And now, like a phoenix from the ashes, he was back in their lives in a major way.
No wonder Adam’s been distracted. Shit, it was, what, ten years now? Ten years since Matt put a drunken friend onto a plane and away from Los Angeles. Twelve years since Matt hustled the music industry to make Adam a star. At least seven years since that name was even uttered. Adam was beyond a mess and a half back then. Drinking, crying and thisclose to slipping into a depression that nobody would have been able to drag Adam out of.
Matt had kept him busy traveling and working all across Europe. Five years ago, they made the cross back into the U.S. with Adam an international star. And now, after a chance encounter at an event that Adam wasn’t even scheduled to appear at, Adam was back to being an emotional mess. Matt exhaled deeply and leaned his head on the couch. He felt Adam pat his head from where he was sprawled out on the actual couch.
“What are you going to do?” Matt asked, resignation in his voice. Adam would be useless until this was resolved. Might as well try to move it along.
“I don’t know,” Adam mumbled sleepily.
He hadn’t been sleeping and the make-up wasn’t covering up the bags and dark circles under Adam’s eyes. Now Matt knew the source. Now Matt would try to fix it. He fixed Adam before, he could do it again. Talk about a punch to the gut. Adam was at the peak of his career, and he didn’t need these kinds of disruptions. Not now, not ever.
“I miss him,” Adam continued, slurring a little. “I always did a little bit, but I didn’t know how much until I actually saw him. He was my everything you know. And the other night, I was so close to him. But I think-no-I know he hates me. I don’t blame him you know. I wasn’t man enough to even call him, instead I left. Even after that, I didn’t talk to him, didn’t let him know what was going on. I hate myself for how selfish I was, how big of an ass I was. I’m trying to fix it, Matt. I am, but he won’t let me.”
Matt turned to see Adam curled in the fetal position on the couch above him. Adam’s eyes were closed, but Matt saw the tears spilling from the corners. “I’ll fix it Adam,” he whispered. Matt got up and covered Adam with a blanket and left the room.
From inside the kitchen, Matt called Lennie. “It’s me. Yeah, I’m with him. Give me everything you found about Kris.” He paused. “Yeah, thanks. Yeah, I’ll let you know.”
Matt paced in the kitchen, trying to figure out what to do next. He dialed a number and just left a message. “I need information on a Kris with a K, Allen. Residence in Los Angeles. Everything you got-personal and professional-for the last ten years.” Then sat down and waited.
“Why are you being such a bitch?” Matt yelled as he paced Adam’s backyard.
“It wasn’t a meeting I needed to be at,” Adam scoffed. He was sitting under the patio, picking at his lunch. “Besides, I was busy and it wasn’t in the schedule Lennie sent me last night.”
Matt stopped and glared. His shoulders slumped as he studied Adam. Adam had lost a lot of weight, making him even leaner, while the energy he normally exuded no longer existed. At least it seemed like Adam was sleeping, the dark circles under his eyes disappeared. Matt walked up and stood over Adam.
Adam looked up and growled, “What?”
“Let me help you.”
Adam tossed the fork onto the plate, watching it clang off the china and skitter across the table. “No.”
Matt threw his arms up, “Why not?”
“You never liked him, so why are you offering your help now?” Adam’s eyes slanted with accusation.
“I want to help.”
“Your idea of help will be me leaving Los Angeles yesterday. In your ideal world, you want me as far away from Kris Allen as possible. I would be the man-whore Casanova traipsing across Manhattan, London or Sydney. Did it ever cross your mind that I’ve never had a long-term relationship with anybody since Kris? That the men I did date all looked like him? That maybe I want to settle down and have a family like you?”
Adam jerked up, knocking back the chair he was sitting in. He raised his arms up and pointed to the backyard and the house. “I bought this house in the Palisades three years ago and this is the first time I’ve actually spent more than a week in it. I haven’t hit a club or bar in all this time. I don’t want to work the ‘single and mingling’ scene anymore. I chose to live here so I wouldn’t have to. I want to share it with somebody I’m ridiculously head over heels for, Matt,” he stated emphatically, putting his fist by his heart. “I want to share this-all this-and my life and everything in it, with someone who loves me back the same way I love them.”
Matt uprighted the chair and pushed Adam back into it. He leaned against the table, “You’re my friend first, client second. I want what’s best for you. I want you to be happy. And, for the record, it’s not that I didn’t like Kris. I just wanted you focused on your career. It’s so fucking hard to break into the industry, and I didn’t want him distracting you from that. We talked about making it and you taking over the music world for years; night and day we had the same discussion over and over.”
“Kris never distracted me from that,” Adam stated flatly. “He actually helped me. A lot.”
“I know that looking back, but then? I was more concerned about you and your career, Adam. We were both young and idealistic about, hell, everything. Yes, I was pushing you hard, but you can’t say I wasn’t looking out for you. You made it, Adam. So, now, let me help you with the other stuff like I did before.”
Adam’s head dropped as he slid low into the chair, nearly slipping out of it. He shrugged, “Don’t know what you can do that will help.”
“Do you still love him? As in you’re still in love with him?”
Adam nodded, “I don’t think I ever stopped.”
“Then let me help you.”
Matt’s heart broke as he saw the unshed tears in Adam’s eyes when Adam finally looked up at him.
“Okay.”
Kris walked into the reception area of his office, head cricked with the phone on his shoulder, papers and folders under one arm that also held a coffee cup while his other hand pulled a small suitcase. He peered over to Lena, his assistant, who had a strange look on her face for this late in the afternoon. Kris gave her a look silently asking what the problem was, and she pointed to the closed door of the small conference room. Kris shook his head, not understanding, but she kept pointing. Eventually she got up, led him to the room, opened the door and pushed him inside.
Kris promised his caller that he’d call back and shut his cell phone off. He froze, barely hearing the click of the door as his assistant exited the room.
Matt turned and faced Kris. He walked towards him, hand outstretched. Kris quickly put the cup down to meet his hand.
“Um, Matt,” Kris stuttered. “Ah, um, what are you doing here?”
“Kris,” Matt replied stoically. He kept his handshake brief, then retreated back to where he had been standing, his back to Kris, hands in his pocket. Matt continued to gaze out the small window that overlooked the busy street below.
Shaken, Kris moved around the small room to place his suitcase out of the way. He grabbed his coffee and leaned against the credenza.
“Nice to see you too,” Kris remarked sarcastically in between sips. “It’s only been, what ten years? Is this some sick reunion you and Adam decided to put together and make me crazy?”
Matt laughed and turned. “I guess you have changed.”
“People have a tendency to do that you know.”
“Sometimes,” Matt said cryptically, as he pulled out a chair to sit.
Kris watched and waited. He didn’t know what game they were playing, but he was getting sick of it. He had stopped getting notes and gifts from Adam. It had been at least a week. Kris thought maybe Adam had given up. Naturally, just as he thought that, Matt shows up at his office.
“Listen, as much as I don’t appreciate you being here and surprising me, I have stuff to do,” Kris stated. “It’s almost 4:00, I just flew in. I’m tired. Tell me what you’re doing here, then leave and go live your life.”
Matt leaned back in the chair and gave Kris a once-over. “You know why I’m here.” He motioned for Kris to sit.
Kris remained standing, “Actually, I don’t. And, since this shouldn’t take long, no need for me to sit.” Kris continued to drink from his and waited for Matt to speak.
“Fine,” Matt stated. “I want you to keep away from Adam. I thought the break-up was good for him back then; he poured his heart and soul into his music and didn’t focus on anything else.” Kris opened his mouth to protest, but Matt cut him off, “No, let me finish. But since he saw you a few weeks ago, he’s been a mopey, whiny asshole. He won’t be a happy camper until he sees you again, which means I won’t be a happy camper. And because I’m his friend, I’m here to see when this can happen.”
Kris felt himself turn red with anger. He slammed the cup down, but decided to take a breath. “I really don’t care if Adam is happy or not. I don’t care if you’re happy or not. I have nothing to say to him. He can keep being a whiny asshole. I don’t know why we need to see each other again to re-hash all this. He’s apologized-twice. I said I accepted. Nothing more needs to be said or done, and we sure as hell don’t need to see each other again. End of story.”
Laughing bitterly, Matt retorted, “It’s not the ‘end of the story’ Kris.” He put Kris’s words in haughty air quotes. “And, as much as I would like to think and hope it is, it’s not. So I’m here to…”
“No.”
Matt leaned back into the chair and again. His fingers playing along the edges of a file folder and envelope Kris just now noticed was on the table. Matt didn’t look up, but continued, “I’m here to make sure my friend gets what he needs. I don’t know what he’s looking for-closure, forgiveness-I don’t care. He’s hurting and I’m trying to find a way to fix it.”
“No.”
Matt slid the envelope across the table towards Kris. “He’s putting out an EP of B-sides, you know.”
Kris remained silent and standing. Like he cared. He was still trying to figure out why Matt was here and trying to get Kris to do this. Sure he just said he cared for Adam, but Matt hated Kris from the moment Adam introduced them. At first Kris thought Matt was jealous of their relationship. After a few months, Kris realized Matt wasn’t jealous, just overly cautious of Adam’s boyfriend and too ambitious in his pursuit of garnering Adam fame and fortune. It wasn’t personal, Kris was just in the way. There was slow, grudging acceptance after a while, but Kris and Matt never became besties.
After Adam disappeared from Kris’s life, Kris figured Matt actually danced naked down the street of whatever town they were in out of joy.
Matt picked up the folder and tapped it on the table, waiting for a reaction from Kris. He stared at the man standing against a chipped credenza that was in a small yet clean conference room. There was no sign of anything personal in the office as a whole, and yes, Matt snuck in and looked while Kris’s assistant was at lunch.
There were the usual client and event photos in nice frames on various tables, gift-bag items and other swag; personal photos of the couple of employees, all-in-all, a typical office setting. Except, Matt realized, nothing personal about Kris Allen at all. No personal photos, no personal items of any kind. Like he was here, but wasn’t. Matt found that weird and telling at the same time. It was, after all, Kris’s company, shouldn’t there be something?
They continued in silence and finally Matt decided to break it. “Meet Adam for lunch. We can do it here or my office or I’ll even rent out a space for the day.”
Kris leaned his head back to finish off the last drop of coffee. Damn, he needed more to get through this meeting.
“No. Now leave.” Kris threw the paper cup into the trash, grabbed his paper and started to open the door.
Matt stood up. He grabbed the envelope and thrust it into Kris’s hands. “Listen to what’s in this. My number’s in the envelope. Call anytime and I can make the arrangements.” He walked to the door. “He’s not leaving town until you do. Thought you should know,” Matt said as he finally left the office.
It had been another week of meetings and events. Kris had pretty much forgotten about the envelope until he was sorting out the various invoices sitting on his desk. He toyed with it, almost deciding to dump it into the trash bin, but his curiosity eventually got the best of him. Kris stuffed it into his messenger bag and headed home.
After putting away the remnants of his pasta dinner, Kris grabbed the half-empty beer bottle and padded into the living room in his socks. He lifted up the torn cargo pants over his knees so he could sit cross-legged on the couch. He pulled the envelope out of his bag and examined it. He held it up to the light to see if anything seeped through the paper, but as he patted it down, it was obvious that it contained a CD or DVD.
As soon as Kris ripped it open, the clear plastic case of a CD holder and business card with Matt’s number fell into this lap. The CD wasn’t labeled, but Kris didn’t expect it to be. He thought back to what Matt said, an EP of B-sides. Kris leaned across the table to pull the laptop up next to him. Inserting the CD, Kris waited.
Music filled the room. He fell back against the couch and closed his eyes to Adam’s voice overtaking everything. Kris sat up abruptly as he heard familiar lyrics. The actual instrumentals were different, but the lyrics…the lyrics were his. He maximized the screen to see what the notes said, but just read “Track 01,” “Track 02,” etc.
Kris skipped over to the next track and the next until he heard snippets of all seven songs. He couldn’t believe his ears as he hit replay to listen to them all again properly from beginning to end.
Holy shit. He’d actually gone and done it. Adam recorded a couple of Kris’s songs and was releasing them. Two of them were definitely his, both of the songs written after huge fights.
Track 01
“This time you say it’s for good;
You’ve played kind for as long as you could, yeah;
With your head in your hands and your tears on my chest;
I think to myself I’m not giving up yet and I say;
Is it over or can I turn you around;
If I crawl on my knees;
To rewrite our story tonight;
Would you care or are you already gone?”
Kris scrambled off the couch and ran to the spare second bedroom. He dug through the desk drawer until he found the thumb drive he tossed in. Plugging it in, he clicked through the various screens until the same music came through the laptop speakers. The tracks on the thumb drive were plain, obviously not as polished and final as the ones on the CD, but they were essentially the same tracks.
Track 02
“Unspoken in silence, let’s stay here tonight;
There’s no reason to ask me ‘cause you know what’s inside;
Don’t worry now, seasons will change;
Forgive my mouth, not letting you walk away;
Take your love, bring it back, bring it back;
Think before you leave;
I forgot what love is, bring it back;
Tell me that you believe what fate’s been telling me…”
Damn. The songs Kris had written all those years ago were alive and being sung by one of the most beautiful voices in the world. It was a complete departure from all of Adam’s albums. Yeah, his previous albums had a few ballads mixed in, but this EP was ALL ballads. Heavy on the synthesizers, Kris smirked, but essentially it was Adam’s amazing voice and more sophisticated instruments and production surrounding it than Kris’s acoustic guitar or solo piano lines. Adam was able to articulate the aches and pains behind the words and express the passion and tenderness with each line.
Kris had stopped writing and playing music after Adam disappeared. He couldn’t bear to even touch his guitar anymore. It was too painful to remember the Sundays they had spent, messing around with lyrics, singing together, bouncing ideas off each other. Kris wasn’t as good a singer as Adam, but he did know the technical side to music. Kris liked to think he made Adam a better singer and musician because of it.
Adam did sing a few of Kris’s songs in the showcases; however, they weren’t power songs, they were a platform for his voice. Kris knew no one was going to run out and record them, but as long as Adam loved them, Kris was happy. The audience mostly indulged Adam when he did this, and he did it because he knew Kris was in the audience. Kris remembered blushing every time a piano or acoustic guitar came out to accompany Adam. Thinking back, he didn’t realize Adam had kept some of the notebooks and now was ready to let the world hear some of what Kris wrote.
As Kris listened to the rest of the songs, the lyrics popped out at him even more. Adam sang about heartache and heartbreak. This collection didn’t have the synth-electro-pop dance tracks that Adam was famous for. This was a major departure, Kris, realized, as all the songs were about heartbreak…and forgiveness?
Kris stopped the first two tracks and focused on the rest of the songs. As each one played, Kris paid closer attention to the lyrics. The excited part of him fell to the wayside as he listened closely to the words of the rest of the CD. Kris was so wound up about hearing Adam singing music that he had written, he had barely paid attention to the other tracks. He hit rewind on tracks five, six and seven.
Track 05
“Guess it was not meant to be;
It's not as bad as it seems;
It only burns when I breathe;
You saw the way that I fell;
But I'm better off by myself;
That's the tale I like to tell;
But it's not that easy for me to say goodbye;
Everything in me wants you back in my life;
Can't let you go;
Can't let you go…”
Kris felt like the breath had been knocked out of him. He clicked the replay button to listen to it again, and there it was. He clicked the mouse to track six. He wasn’t going crazy.
Track 06
“Outside the rain's fallin' down;
There's not a drop that hits me;
Scream at the sky but no sound;
Is leavin' my lips;
It's like I can't even feel;
After the way you touched me;
I'm not asleep but I'm not awake;
After the way you loved me;
I can't turn this around;
I keep running into walls that I can't break down;
I said I just wander around;
With my eyes wide shut because of you;
I'm a sleepwalker walker walker;
I'm a sleepwalker walker walker;
Let me out of this dream…”
Kris stopped breathing. As he continued to listen closely, he felt tears falling from his face. He violently wiped them off with the backs of his hands. Why was he crying? He tried to focus on the last song.
Track 07
“I’ve been sitting, watching life pass from the sidelines;
Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds;
I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind;
Would the wind be at my back;
Could I get you off my mind;
This time…”
Kris pulled up his shirt to wipe at his face. Damn him. Damn him to hell. Kris clicked the various windows of his laptop trying to find more information. He then tore open the envelope to see if any other notes were there…Nothing.
Kris grabbed his cell. He hesitated in making the call. He shouldn’t make the call. He didn’t know why he should think that this was Adam’s message to him. But both Adam and Matt had left Kris with the same music and no letter or anything behind it. When did Adam record these songs? How long had he been holding onto them? Why now? It’s not like Adam knew when they would run into each other. Kris had so many questions and no one to answer them.
He shouldn’t cave, but his heart hurt so badly. The songs repeated automatically, and as the last track started up again, he reached out to grab the box of tissues on the lamp table. He yanked a handful out and just cried. He wanted the comfort of Adam’s arms around him while he sobbed like a baby. Kris heard Adam’s voice seize the room and pound into him. Over and over, he felt the music like a physical sensation. The words crushed him. He fell over on the couch and sobbed into the tissues and cushions.
The ring and vibration of the phone shocked him awake. He didn’t know what time it was. Disoriented, he sat up to answer the phone. His face felt bloated and damp. He clicked without looking at who was calling, responding while trying to pick the dried tissue pieces away from his eyes and nose.
“Hello?” Kris knew he sounded sick or stuffed up.
A pause. “Kris? Everything okay sweetie?”
“Um, Megan, yeah. Uh, why?”
“You sound sick or like you were crying,” she said softly. “Were you crying?”
“Uh…” Kris stopped. Megan knew him too well, and she would smell the lie even through the phone. “Kinda, yeah. A long couple of weeks and I guess I just broke down.”
“Do you want me to come over?”
Kris shook his head, then realized she couldn’t see. “No, I’m okay.” He gave up on his face and laid back down on the couch, face up this time. “I…I think I’m going to make a call I might regret.”
Megan was silent on the other end. “Good.”
Kris laughed bitterly, “We’ll see how good this is after I make the call.”
“I’m here if you need me.”
“I know,” Kris sighed. “And thank you.”
“Of course,” she replied brightly.
“Oh, um, did you need something?” Kris looked out the windows and saw how dark it was. He peered at the clock on the wall and saw it was almost midnight. “It’s late, everything okay with you?”
Megan laughed, “Yeah, everything’s good. Just had a weird feeling I should call you, so I did.”
Kris rolled his eyes, knowing she couldn’t see, “You’re a strange bird darlin’.”
“Of course I am and that’s why you love me.”
“That I do, Megan. That I do.”
“Goodnight Kris.”
“Goodnight.”
Kris stared at his cell phone, still debating whether to make the call or not. He reached over to grab the card and dialed the number. Without preamble or pleasantries, Kris blurted, “What day, what time and where?”
Kris sat at the table waiting for Matt. Matt seemed to have been expecting his call, so they made arrangements to meet for lunch today. Kris made sure he arrived first and seated himself to face out into the restaurant. He didn’t want any surprises.
Matt arrived alone as promised. He was easily flirting with the hostess as she led him to their table. This Matt was in jeans and t-shirt. This was the Matt Kris remembered from the early days, the days before the Armani power suits and French cuffs and ties that cost more than some car payments.
They didn’t greet each other or extend hands for handshakes and did without the customary small talk. They waited in silence as the waiter filled their water cups and took their food order.
Kris jumped right in, still antsy and shaking from another listen he had subjected himself to in the morning before leaving for the meeting. “When did he record this?”
Matt showed no surprise and answered deftly, “Over the last few years actually. They’re all B-sides, like I said. The songs were put together here and there, and they were all left off his other albums for various reasons. These were the ones that weren’t even the bonus tracks.” Matt shrugged.
“Why?”
Matt laughed as played with his glass of water. “Now that’s an interesting question. There could be a ton of reasons for it. The couple of songs you wrote, the others that he wrote or co-wrote with others. In short, I don’t know. You’ll have to ask Adam.”
Kris stared at Matt and bit his tongue. It’s not that he expected answers from Matt, Kris just hoped he would get some semblance of understanding. Obviously he had expected too much.
“So essentially I have to see Adam to get the answers.”
Matt smirked, “Pretty much.”
“Then why did you agree to this meeting instead of just making me set up a time with Adam?” Kris asked.
Matt frowned, “Honestly? I wanted to see your reaction after listening to it. I was curious.”
This time Kris frowned, “What kind of reaction did you expect?”
Matt leaned over, face completely serious. “Adam was fucked up for a long time after the break-up. It took everything I had to bring him back, to get him to focus on his music. He never told me the whys and hows of what happened. And I never asked. All I know is that he called me that night, and he was a mess. I’m the one that booked his ticket to New York, and then I shipped him off to London to stay with a friend. I flew out the next morning and for the next two weeks, he barely ate, barely spoke. The only thing he did was write and cry. I told him to call you. I told him I’d fly him back home to see you, but he wouldn’t...or couldn’t, I don’t know.”
They both eyed each other. Seeing no reaction from Kris, Matt continued, “What should have been the happiest time of his life after getting that record contract turned out to be the worst. Getting him into the studio was one of the hardest things I had to do. We eventually put down a few tracks in London. Then we were in New York to finish the rest of the album. Again, he put all his energy in that one task, and that’s it. The rest of the time, he barely went out, barely talked to people. I knew he was hurting, but I didn’t know what to do to help him. He refused to talk to me about you two, and I didn’t push. Then promotional tour happened, and it was brutal on everyone, but especially him.”
“It was unprecedented, of course, a label and studio signing up a gay artist like Adam. But he still needed to prove himself and he needed to sell albums. The publicity, the concerts-everything eventually took its toll. He started taking pills…to sleep. Then pills to wake up.” Matt paused as the waiter brought their food, pasting a brilliant smile on his face. After she left, Matted picked at the food. “Obviously, this is not something I wanted the label to find out about. I forced him into an out-patient center to wean him off the pills. He finally agreed to talk to a therapist. It helped him a lot…maybe too much.”
Kris interrupted, “What do you mean?”
Matt didn’t look up from his food, continuing to move it around the plate, “He became overly social. Um, dating a lot. He became the life of every party and the toast of every town we were in.” He finally looked up to gauge Kris’s expression.
Kris kept his face carefully masked. He wanted to hear this, needed to hear this. Better to come from Matt. Kris didn’t know if he’d be able to handle this from Adam directly. Of course Kris knew the moment Adam had became a huge star. Adam’s face was everywhere. His music was everywhere. Over the years, Kris did everything he could to avoid it and tried to know nothing about what the tabloids reported.
“Good for him,” Kris replied when it looked like Matt was expecting some kind of reaction.
Raising an eyebrow, Matt said nothing. They were both toying with their food, eventually taking bites in silence.
“I know you quit your teaching job and stopped playing music,” Matt said nonchalantly. “Started this event planning gig, what five years ago, and lucked into some pretty high-profile clients. Granted they weren’t high-profile at the time, but they are now, aren’t they?”
Now it was Kris’s turn to shrug. He wasn’t surprised Matt found all this out. It wasn’t like Kris was ashamed of what he was doing. “Needed a change of pace. Helped a friend out a few times, figured it was enough to keep me occupied and it paid the bills.”
“You also dated here and there, but no long-term relationships in the last ten years.”
That Matt knew this bit of news shocked Kris and it obviously showed on his face.
“Don’t tell me you’re surprised Kris,” Matt chuckled. “Of course I’m going to check up on you…everything about you. What you’ve been doing all this time.”
“How…why…”
“I need to look out for Adam,” Matt said putting his fork down. “I needed to make sure that there wouldn’t be a chance for you to hurt him again.”
Kris erupted, sputtering angrily, “Me? Hurt HIM again? Fuck you! And fuck Adam! Don’t you dare tell me that I hurt him…He hurt me. Left ME. Without a word, a call...nothing. It’s NOT the other way around. He left ME to...”
Kris was belligerent and words were not coming out like he needed them to, “Ten fucking years of silence. I finally make a life for myself. I’m happy. I…I…this is…god!”
He pulled at his hair, “I was doing fine until you both showed up, and I’m supposed to do what? Be thankful? You want to make sure I don’t….Oh my god! This is complete bullshit. I actually thought…I listened to the CD and… Yeah, I don’t need to go through this again.” Kris stood up abruptly, knocking over his chair. He bent to pick it up and stormed out of the restaurant.
“Shit!” Matt groaned. This was not how it was supposed to go. He needed to fix this fast.
Adam was nervous. He was going to see Kris today. He had been ready to give up on hearing from Kris until Matt called yesterday. Adam made Lennie and Matt clear out his entire schedule for the week to make sure that any day and time Kris was free, Adam would be free too.
Naturally Kris wanted to meet someplace neutral. The recording studio was as neutral yet as private as one could get. Good security, but soundproof walls so that no one could hear the potential yelling and shouting and report back to the tabloids. Adam harbored no illusions that the meeting would go any further than just that, just a meeting. But, a part of him held hope that Kris still had feelings for him. That the time Adam cleared for the rest of the week would be time spent together so that they could get to know each other again, or at least to see how much Adam would have to make up to Kris. A week wouldn’t be enough, but it would be a start, as long as he was able to get that time from Kris.
Adam showed up early. The meeting wasn’t until 5:00, but he figured he could work out his nerves by using the studio. But, instead of heading inside the recording booth, Adam stayed in the small lobby area. He sat and twirled the leather chair clockwise, then counter-clockwise, killing time and making himself a little dizzy. He stopped when he heard the door. His shy smile turned into a frown when he saw Matt.
Matt looked downcast and upset as he walked through the door. Adam leaned over the arm of the chair to see if Kris was behind him.
“Where’s Kris?” he asked nervously.
“Uh,” Matt hesitated. “About that…”
“Where. Is. He.” Adam demanded.
Adam stood up and went to the door. He opened it and peered to his left and right and left again, the hallway remaining empty and quiet. Adam turned and faced Matt.
“That’s the thing,” Matt stammered. He brought his hand up to rub his neck. Adam knew that move. Matt was thinking about lying, but couldn’t. He was trying to find a way to break bad news to Adam.
Matt knew it was his fault. The look on Adam’s face was pure joy when he walked in, and Matt killed it by making a mess of things. Adam slumped back into the chair, downcast.
“He’s not coming,” Matt exhaled. “I’m working on it though.”
Adam shook his head, “No. It’s okay. I just thought…”
Then just as quickly, Adam stood up, angry and defiant. “No, actually, it’s not okay. This isn’t how it’s supposed to go. Fuck this.” Adam grabbed his jacket and stormed out of the room.
Matt collapsed into the ratty couch by the door, head in his hands. He knew where Adam was headed, and didn’t have the energy to stop him. It had to be done.
~~continued~~
PART IV