Vita Nova. chapter 1. Beginnings.
First chapter of a new fic called Vita Nova.
AU
Summary: Jack and Ennis don´t like each other but are still sexually involved.
Disclaimer: None of this is mine. Characters belong to novelist Annie Proulx.
NC17. Angst.
Feedback: Always treasured.
and a special thank you to lawgoddess
Vita Nova. Chapter 1.
Beginnings
They didn´t even like each other.
Which didn´t stop them.
They both had partners. Jack had been with Paul for about a year and Ennis was, as far as Jack knew, still engaged to the short redhead. What they did together was just a necessary evil and they never talked about it - not to anyone.
Especially not among themselves.
The night they had met they both had been drunk. But not drunk enough to forget.
Ironically it had been Paul who had introduced them.
Jack made his way through the up-town crowd, shaking people´s hands and firing off smiles in every direction till he reached Paul at the other side of the room. Paul. Gorgeous, beautiful Paul who now turned his gray eyes on Jack. Jack noticed how they always seemed to widen whenever he looked at him and it made him feel special. Loved. Grateful.
"Glad you´re finally here, Paul. I was about to call you to hear if you could get me out of here. He nestled an arm through Paul’s and pressed close to his side."
“That bad?”
“Worse”
They smiled knowingly at each other
“Well, maybe I got something for you that can cheer you up”
For the first time Jack noticed a man and a woman standing to the left of them, watching.
“This is Ennis, my brother’s best friend from Wyoming. This is his fiancée Alma”
Jack nodded. Annoyed he wouldn’t get Paul alone for himself.
Jack extended his hand to the woman who gave it a brief shake and then to the man who gripped it hard but shook it even briefer. There was a look on the man’s face that gave Jack a bad feeling, something about the way he looked at the place where Jack´s and Paul’s hands were joined.
“They have just moved here. Nice ha?” Paul took another zip of his martini
“Sure is. Hope you like it here on the coast. I bet there is more to do here” Jack offered determined to be nice for Paul’s sake.
“I liked it just fine where I come from.”
“Is that right” Jack raised an eyebrow.
“We are getting our own place here. It’s nothing grand, but still…were happy. Aren’t we Ennis?” A small pink hand curled into a larger tanned.
“Sure are, darlin´. So you two are…” Again a look at Jack´s and Paul´s hands.
Paul didn’t seem to notice the same things about Ennis that Jack thought he did, or he just hid it well
“Together? Yes. We’ve been together now for almost 12 months”. Paul explained.
“Congratulations”
In Jack´s ears it couldn´t have sounded more fake.
Jack pulled on a pair of jogging trousers and a ratty t-shirt and did his morning jog that took him from the west side of New York City down to Washington Park before he usually turned back. It had become somewhat of a ritual of his every time he had been with Ennis to rid his head and to sweat out whatever he had felt the night before. Jack´s doctor had during the latest check-up complimented him on his new athletic self. Jack had sneezed in reply.
When he got back he jumped into the shower and let spurts of cold water run down his back and front, washing himself everywhere he could reach. A couple of minutes later he was fully dressed, ready to get on with the Saturday before him. He sat down on the bed and placed the receiver between shoulder and ear. Three signals before a warm voice answered.
“Jack?”
“Hi, everything´s good?”
“Yeah, I´ve been doing some last minutes changes in the gallery but I just finished. You still on for tonight?”
“You bet. How can I not when you insist on keeping such a secret. Was wondering what to wear though. Is jeans and a dress jacket dressy enough?”
“Oh yeah. It’s just a place down town. Nothing fancy.”
“Sounds good. ”
“Sleep well? You’ve looked tired lately.”
“No I´m fine. A little busy at work now that’s all”
“Alright, you really need some fun then”
“Yeah. I do.”
“See you tonight then. Love you”
“Love you too.”
“Bye”
“Bye”
Jack put the receiver back, sighing and leaning his head backwards. The tainted ceiling a lot whiter than his lies. He wondered if the people living upstairs had the same problems as he. Maybe they were mass murderers and kept body parts in their fridge. One could only wish.
Jack started dressing about an hour before Paul was supposed to pick him up. Paul’s friends were a bit snobbish. The usual group usually consisted of people Paul had gone to university with so they were mostly bankers and yuppies with no free time and empty vacation houses in the Hamptons.
He pressed his trousers one more time, picked lint off the jacket and shined his shoes
One of the things he liked most about himself was his hair. Still thick and rich it made him look a bit younger than he actually was. Every morning he checked his scalp in the bathroom mirror with his bald dad standing behind him, looking at him, smiling and nodding with a gleeful glint in beady eyes.
Feeling as he looked as good as he could he rode the elevator down to the ground floor, carefully avoiding Mrs. Bersenack and her clean shaven poodle.
She was the only living soul that had a clue to his night visitor’s existence and as a cliché right out of a movie she always asked him about it and he always kept dodging the bullet. Unfortunately she was standing by the mailboxes which meant he had to walk directly pass her.
For once she didn’t say anything as he rushed by, inhaling the usual scent of flowers and dog shit, but he told himself he could feel her stare boring into his backside as he walked through the glass doors and put his hand in Paul’s waiting outstretched one.
Paul was dressed in black suit pants and a black dress jacket that made him look very sexy and distinguished at the same time. Jack felt a bit annoyed of the fact that he had told him jeans was okay though, making him feel a bit underdressed himself. Paul was sometimes nice to a fault.
“You look stunning, Jack”
“Thanks. You too, as you are very well aware of.”
Paul laughed at that and pulled Jack closer as they stepped into the mouth of the waiting cab.
It turned out not to be as bad as Jack had thought. The taxi had pulled up in front of one of the smaller theatres off Broadway and the crowd waiting in line outside looked more or less as regular mortals dressed in everything from jeans to sneakers. And then there were the tourist with their “I love New York” umbrellas and not so well-hidden money belts.
“Jack”
Jack turned to Paul. His face close.
“Have you thought more about that thing we talked about?”
Jack remember well and said so to which Paul smiled a little before exiting the cab with Jack in tow, swallowed up by the crowd.
Being a born and bred working class brat himself he hadn’t had much exposure to the fine arts and the fat man singing in Italian on stage didn’t do much for him. He wished he was back in his apartment watching Jeopardy. Paul hadn’t given up on him yet, joking about making him into an art lover anytime now. Jack did appreciate it to some extent though, feeling grateful for the effort.
Paul and Jack sat side by side in the third row flanked by Paul’s acquaintances. Jeff and Paul on their right and Rory and Sid on their left. They were all very nice and had welcomed Jack into the group but he wasn´t kidding himself.
Fatman on stage quieted down finally and Jack took a deep breath, relieved. He was about to start looking for the entrance but then the man started on another aria and Jack knew they were in for another long one. This one the man performed while standing on his knees next to another man lying on the floor, supposedly dead. Behind them was a blue green backdrop of a mountain. Great. Just great he sighed. Another depressing tune about heartbreak. Then all out of the blue the fat man broke out in “It´s raining men” and several dancers emerged from the behind the backdrop.
Dressed in black leather thongs and nothing else.
Jack choked and started laughing. The dancer swirled around the stage, undulating against imagined bodies, writing and bending. Paul’s hand grabbed his and Jack turned towards him with a huge grin
“I thought this was a nice compromise, don´t you?”
“I love it” Jack laughed
“Happy anniversary Jack.”
“Thanks Paul. I mean it.”
“No, thank you. It´s been the best year of my life.”
Jack leaned forward and kissed Paul softly on the cheek and their hands were clasped for the duration of the show.
Afterwards the party ended up in Latitude bar and Lounge near Times Square drinking expensive drinks and sitting around a large table talking about everything from sex to fashion. Jack was still in a good mood so he didn´t let the lack of discussions that interested him bring him down and he was content sitting next to Paul, listening to his conversations and proud of all the intelligent things that always seemed to pour out of his mouth totally effortlessly.
Sex with Paul was always nice. Paul was a gentle lover and always took it slow with long foreplay, dragging it out for hours sometimes before actual penetration as if he thought Jack was going to break if he handled him too roughly.
Jack knew for a fact that that wasn’t the case however. Ennis had showed him that on many occasions. But those things that he let Ennis do to him were abnormal, and would never stand up to scrutiny in daylight but crumble away and die if he looked too closely.
“Hey, Jack. Where did you go?”
The soft voice steered his thought back to the reality of where he was; on his side, in bed, with Paul looking lovingly into his eyes. Jack met his gaze and stared into Paul’s eyes, trying to see what it was that Paul saw when he looked at him.
“Sometime you disappear on me. Where is it that you go?”
In a moment of unusual frankness Jack smiled a sad smile and whisper as he took Paul’s pale hand and kissed the palm
“I don’t know. I don´t know”
Paul’s thumb swiped away the tear that was making its way down Jack´s cheek.
“My little lost kitten."
A beat.
"I want you to be happy. Tell me what I can do”
Jack only shook his head and rose from the bed. He turned his back to the black hole in the wall.
“I’m sorry Paul. It’s…sometimes I don’t know what I’m doing. Who I am”
“I know who you are, Jack. You´re amazing” Paul reached up and his robe glided open. Jack let his gaze hang on to the site of Paul´s penis for a few seconds, trying to analyze his owns feelings about it. He loved it. He hated it. He wanted to sometimes suck it, at other times trample on it.
Jacks face must have given something away because Paul closed his robe before sitting back down on his bed.
“Have you thought about that thing? About moving in here. You like it here don´t you?”
“You know I do.” Jack turned towards the window, watching the gloomy street below. The pedestrians looking like puppets from this high up. Rain drops colliding with the window pane, creating craters.
“So….We´ve been together for a long time now, Jack. Either we`re in this together or…”
“Or what?” Jack´s shoulder tensed and he swirled around, his eyes shooting bullets.
“Nothing Jack. Nothing”.
The millionaire seemed to crumble before his eyes.
In that moment Jack realized that it wasn’t Paul who had the power in the relationship as he had always thought. Paul with his fine education, his large apartment and inheritance. It was actually he - Jack, who had the power. With one word he could break the other man´s heart like a twig. If he wanted.
He didn’t.
Jack started unbuttoning his shirt, unbuckled his pants and soon he stood naked in front of Paul, offering himself. Paul raised and with a sob embraced him and together they lay down on the bed.
That night at the party Jack had for the first time in his life experienced an out of body experience. After he had broken loose from the rest of the party and strayed outside into the large country garden. The gardenias had been in full bloom, the grass still smelling murky and damp. Cigarette smoke from behind a tree alerted him that he wasn’t alone.
“Who´s there?
He watched as the man from earlier stepped forward from behind the tree, flipping the butt to the ground and crunch it under the heel of his shoe. Then he lifted his face and they stared at each other. Jack wanted to look away but couldn´t as if his eyes wanted to burn holes in the other man. The moment stretched out and the thoughts fluttered like butterflies through Jack´s head, never stopping but fleeting around in an endless dance. Both men casted long shadows on the lawn, overlapping
At last the moment had become unbearable and Jack had averted his gaze, feeling unsure. Unsure about what it was about the man that felt familiar and strange at the same time, unsure of everything all of a sudden. And that was a feeling that hadn´t gone away ever since. Ennis had turned his world upside down and like a thief in the night he had stolen Jack´s peace of mind.
- I don’t like you. The whisper dug into the night, found light in Ennis´s ear.
- Good.
With that over with Ennis had turned on his heel and walked deeper into the shadows and Jack had followed. And he hadn´t stopped since but was still following him into the darkness.
Jack spent the weekend at Paul´s, allowing Paul to take care of him by bringing him food and letting him hold him. When Monday knocked on the door he felt like he had been inside a cocoon for an eternity and the fresh air that hit him as he walked to the subway a block away made him feel revived and new.
8 o´clock sharp he turned on his computer and sank down into his office chair. The gray cardboard-like walls of his cubicle were covered with pictures of models, beaches and work stuff but no photographs. Except for one of Paul smiling straight into a camera that he had taken a couple of month ago when they had driven out to Coney Island.
The sky was blue behind Paul, the water green and Paul´s teeth a brilliant white.
His work was to update websites, maintain them and check that they worked properly. It wasn´t much fun but not really hideous work either. It was work, plain and simple. He never had cared much about what he did. Work had always just been work to him; a way to make money to pay rent to pay for food. A career had never interested him but he sometimes felt like he should care, like the people around him seemed to. He didn’t talk to anyone about it but just lived his life like the rest, pretending to care about things he really didn’t care about. His life was grayer than his cubicle walls.
During lunch he walked down to Starbucks, bought a decaf coffee and a diet coke, walked around the block, riding the elevator back up to the 42: nd floor, thinking about nothing. The no-longer-there twin towers not reflecting in his pupils.
Then there was another break at 3 o´clock when Jack usually stretched and ate a bag of chips from one of the vending machines near the bathroom. Then back to work until the long finger pointed at 5. By 5.30 he was yawning in a subway car with the the rest of the city, heading home for a meal and a few hours of sleep.
Dragging himself up the last flight of stairs and fishing up the keys from his front pocket he noticed a movement in the shadow in the corner of the hallway.
Jack unlocked his door, stepped in and let the door stay ajar behind him.
As always there were no questions being asked and no answers being given. In five seconds flat Ennis had him up against the kitchen door, the handle digging into Jack´s hip, ice cold metal buttons branding flesh, trousers hauled down and off and then he was stuck as a fish on a spear, wiggling but not really attempting. Jack kept his eyes pressed shut, his fingernails clawing into the unyielding wood of the door, his forehead turning burning red from friction. Pleasure mixing with pain, clarity with confusion.
It didn´t last long. Never did. A moment of stormy calm. Ennis´s puffs of air tickling Jack´s neck, hands curled around Jack´s hip before they seemed to remember exactly where they were. Uncurled, disappeared. As always Ennis readjusted Jack´s pants from behind, tucked his shirt in and stepped away.
The usual mumbled “got what you deserved…dirty queer”
Jack didn´t move. Kept his eyes closed. Listened to the traffic outside. The honk of a horn. A screeching tire. Ambulance sirens.
The closing of a door.
Jack hit the shower; washing down his guilt and watching it disappear down the drain.
tbc
AU
Summary: Jack and Ennis don´t like each other but are still sexually involved.
Disclaimer: None of this is mine. Characters belong to novelist Annie Proulx.
NC17. Angst.
Feedback: Always treasured.
and a special thank you to lawgoddess
Vita Nova. Chapter 1.
Beginnings
They didn´t even like each other.
Which didn´t stop them.
They both had partners. Jack had been with Paul for about a year and Ennis was, as far as Jack knew, still engaged to the short redhead. What they did together was just a necessary evil and they never talked about it - not to anyone.
Especially not among themselves.
The night they had met they both had been drunk. But not drunk enough to forget.
Ironically it had been Paul who had introduced them.
Jack made his way through the up-town crowd, shaking people´s hands and firing off smiles in every direction till he reached Paul at the other side of the room. Paul. Gorgeous, beautiful Paul who now turned his gray eyes on Jack. Jack noticed how they always seemed to widen whenever he looked at him and it made him feel special. Loved. Grateful.
"Glad you´re finally here, Paul. I was about to call you to hear if you could get me out of here. He nestled an arm through Paul’s and pressed close to his side."
“That bad?”
“Worse”
They smiled knowingly at each other
“Well, maybe I got something for you that can cheer you up”
For the first time Jack noticed a man and a woman standing to the left of them, watching.
“This is Ennis, my brother’s best friend from Wyoming. This is his fiancée Alma”
Jack nodded. Annoyed he wouldn’t get Paul alone for himself.
Jack extended his hand to the woman who gave it a brief shake and then to the man who gripped it hard but shook it even briefer. There was a look on the man’s face that gave Jack a bad feeling, something about the way he looked at the place where Jack´s and Paul’s hands were joined.
“They have just moved here. Nice ha?” Paul took another zip of his martini
“Sure is. Hope you like it here on the coast. I bet there is more to do here” Jack offered determined to be nice for Paul’s sake.
“I liked it just fine where I come from.”
“Is that right” Jack raised an eyebrow.
“We are getting our own place here. It’s nothing grand, but still…were happy. Aren’t we Ennis?” A small pink hand curled into a larger tanned.
“Sure are, darlin´. So you two are…” Again a look at Jack´s and Paul´s hands.
Paul didn’t seem to notice the same things about Ennis that Jack thought he did, or he just hid it well
“Together? Yes. We’ve been together now for almost 12 months”. Paul explained.
“Congratulations”
In Jack´s ears it couldn´t have sounded more fake.
Jack pulled on a pair of jogging trousers and a ratty t-shirt and did his morning jog that took him from the west side of New York City down to Washington Park before he usually turned back. It had become somewhat of a ritual of his every time he had been with Ennis to rid his head and to sweat out whatever he had felt the night before. Jack´s doctor had during the latest check-up complimented him on his new athletic self. Jack had sneezed in reply.
When he got back he jumped into the shower and let spurts of cold water run down his back and front, washing himself everywhere he could reach. A couple of minutes later he was fully dressed, ready to get on with the Saturday before him. He sat down on the bed and placed the receiver between shoulder and ear. Three signals before a warm voice answered.
“Jack?”
“Hi, everything´s good?”
“Yeah, I´ve been doing some last minutes changes in the gallery but I just finished. You still on for tonight?”
“You bet. How can I not when you insist on keeping such a secret. Was wondering what to wear though. Is jeans and a dress jacket dressy enough?”
“Oh yeah. It’s just a place down town. Nothing fancy.”
“Sounds good. ”
“Sleep well? You’ve looked tired lately.”
“No I´m fine. A little busy at work now that’s all”
“Alright, you really need some fun then”
“Yeah. I do.”
“See you tonight then. Love you”
“Love you too.”
“Bye”
“Bye”
Jack put the receiver back, sighing and leaning his head backwards. The tainted ceiling a lot whiter than his lies. He wondered if the people living upstairs had the same problems as he. Maybe they were mass murderers and kept body parts in their fridge. One could only wish.
Jack started dressing about an hour before Paul was supposed to pick him up. Paul’s friends were a bit snobbish. The usual group usually consisted of people Paul had gone to university with so they were mostly bankers and yuppies with no free time and empty vacation houses in the Hamptons.
He pressed his trousers one more time, picked lint off the jacket and shined his shoes
One of the things he liked most about himself was his hair. Still thick and rich it made him look a bit younger than he actually was. Every morning he checked his scalp in the bathroom mirror with his bald dad standing behind him, looking at him, smiling and nodding with a gleeful glint in beady eyes.
Feeling as he looked as good as he could he rode the elevator down to the ground floor, carefully avoiding Mrs. Bersenack and her clean shaven poodle.
She was the only living soul that had a clue to his night visitor’s existence and as a cliché right out of a movie she always asked him about it and he always kept dodging the bullet. Unfortunately she was standing by the mailboxes which meant he had to walk directly pass her.
For once she didn’t say anything as he rushed by, inhaling the usual scent of flowers and dog shit, but he told himself he could feel her stare boring into his backside as he walked through the glass doors and put his hand in Paul’s waiting outstretched one.
Paul was dressed in black suit pants and a black dress jacket that made him look very sexy and distinguished at the same time. Jack felt a bit annoyed of the fact that he had told him jeans was okay though, making him feel a bit underdressed himself. Paul was sometimes nice to a fault.
“You look stunning, Jack”
“Thanks. You too, as you are very well aware of.”
Paul laughed at that and pulled Jack closer as they stepped into the mouth of the waiting cab.
It turned out not to be as bad as Jack had thought. The taxi had pulled up in front of one of the smaller theatres off Broadway and the crowd waiting in line outside looked more or less as regular mortals dressed in everything from jeans to sneakers. And then there were the tourist with their “I love New York” umbrellas and not so well-hidden money belts.
“Jack”
Jack turned to Paul. His face close.
“Have you thought more about that thing we talked about?”
Jack remember well and said so to which Paul smiled a little before exiting the cab with Jack in tow, swallowed up by the crowd.
Being a born and bred working class brat himself he hadn’t had much exposure to the fine arts and the fat man singing in Italian on stage didn’t do much for him. He wished he was back in his apartment watching Jeopardy. Paul hadn’t given up on him yet, joking about making him into an art lover anytime now. Jack did appreciate it to some extent though, feeling grateful for the effort.
Paul and Jack sat side by side in the third row flanked by Paul’s acquaintances. Jeff and Paul on their right and Rory and Sid on their left. They were all very nice and had welcomed Jack into the group but he wasn´t kidding himself.
Fatman on stage quieted down finally and Jack took a deep breath, relieved. He was about to start looking for the entrance but then the man started on another aria and Jack knew they were in for another long one. This one the man performed while standing on his knees next to another man lying on the floor, supposedly dead. Behind them was a blue green backdrop of a mountain. Great. Just great he sighed. Another depressing tune about heartbreak. Then all out of the blue the fat man broke out in “It´s raining men” and several dancers emerged from the behind the backdrop.
Dressed in black leather thongs and nothing else.
Jack choked and started laughing. The dancer swirled around the stage, undulating against imagined bodies, writing and bending. Paul’s hand grabbed his and Jack turned towards him with a huge grin
“I thought this was a nice compromise, don´t you?”
“I love it” Jack laughed
“Happy anniversary Jack.”
“Thanks Paul. I mean it.”
“No, thank you. It´s been the best year of my life.”
Jack leaned forward and kissed Paul softly on the cheek and their hands were clasped for the duration of the show.
Afterwards the party ended up in Latitude bar and Lounge near Times Square drinking expensive drinks and sitting around a large table talking about everything from sex to fashion. Jack was still in a good mood so he didn´t let the lack of discussions that interested him bring him down and he was content sitting next to Paul, listening to his conversations and proud of all the intelligent things that always seemed to pour out of his mouth totally effortlessly.
Sex with Paul was always nice. Paul was a gentle lover and always took it slow with long foreplay, dragging it out for hours sometimes before actual penetration as if he thought Jack was going to break if he handled him too roughly.
Jack knew for a fact that that wasn’t the case however. Ennis had showed him that on many occasions. But those things that he let Ennis do to him were abnormal, and would never stand up to scrutiny in daylight but crumble away and die if he looked too closely.
“Hey, Jack. Where did you go?”
The soft voice steered his thought back to the reality of where he was; on his side, in bed, with Paul looking lovingly into his eyes. Jack met his gaze and stared into Paul’s eyes, trying to see what it was that Paul saw when he looked at him.
“Sometime you disappear on me. Where is it that you go?”
In a moment of unusual frankness Jack smiled a sad smile and whisper as he took Paul’s pale hand and kissed the palm
“I don’t know. I don´t know”
Paul’s thumb swiped away the tear that was making its way down Jack´s cheek.
“My little lost kitten."
A beat.
"I want you to be happy. Tell me what I can do”
Jack only shook his head and rose from the bed. He turned his back to the black hole in the wall.
“I’m sorry Paul. It’s…sometimes I don’t know what I’m doing. Who I am”
“I know who you are, Jack. You´re amazing” Paul reached up and his robe glided open. Jack let his gaze hang on to the site of Paul´s penis for a few seconds, trying to analyze his owns feelings about it. He loved it. He hated it. He wanted to sometimes suck it, at other times trample on it.
Jacks face must have given something away because Paul closed his robe before sitting back down on his bed.
“Have you thought about that thing? About moving in here. You like it here don´t you?”
“You know I do.” Jack turned towards the window, watching the gloomy street below. The pedestrians looking like puppets from this high up. Rain drops colliding with the window pane, creating craters.
“So….We´ve been together for a long time now, Jack. Either we`re in this together or…”
“Or what?” Jack´s shoulder tensed and he swirled around, his eyes shooting bullets.
“Nothing Jack. Nothing”.
The millionaire seemed to crumble before his eyes.
In that moment Jack realized that it wasn’t Paul who had the power in the relationship as he had always thought. Paul with his fine education, his large apartment and inheritance. It was actually he - Jack, who had the power. With one word he could break the other man´s heart like a twig. If he wanted.
He didn’t.
Jack started unbuttoning his shirt, unbuckled his pants and soon he stood naked in front of Paul, offering himself. Paul raised and with a sob embraced him and together they lay down on the bed.
That night at the party Jack had for the first time in his life experienced an out of body experience. After he had broken loose from the rest of the party and strayed outside into the large country garden. The gardenias had been in full bloom, the grass still smelling murky and damp. Cigarette smoke from behind a tree alerted him that he wasn’t alone.
“Who´s there?
He watched as the man from earlier stepped forward from behind the tree, flipping the butt to the ground and crunch it under the heel of his shoe. Then he lifted his face and they stared at each other. Jack wanted to look away but couldn´t as if his eyes wanted to burn holes in the other man. The moment stretched out and the thoughts fluttered like butterflies through Jack´s head, never stopping but fleeting around in an endless dance. Both men casted long shadows on the lawn, overlapping
At last the moment had become unbearable and Jack had averted his gaze, feeling unsure. Unsure about what it was about the man that felt familiar and strange at the same time, unsure of everything all of a sudden. And that was a feeling that hadn´t gone away ever since. Ennis had turned his world upside down and like a thief in the night he had stolen Jack´s peace of mind.
- I don’t like you. The whisper dug into the night, found light in Ennis´s ear.
- Good.
With that over with Ennis had turned on his heel and walked deeper into the shadows and Jack had followed. And he hadn´t stopped since but was still following him into the darkness.
Jack spent the weekend at Paul´s, allowing Paul to take care of him by bringing him food and letting him hold him. When Monday knocked on the door he felt like he had been inside a cocoon for an eternity and the fresh air that hit him as he walked to the subway a block away made him feel revived and new.
8 o´clock sharp he turned on his computer and sank down into his office chair. The gray cardboard-like walls of his cubicle were covered with pictures of models, beaches and work stuff but no photographs. Except for one of Paul smiling straight into a camera that he had taken a couple of month ago when they had driven out to Coney Island.
The sky was blue behind Paul, the water green and Paul´s teeth a brilliant white.
His work was to update websites, maintain them and check that they worked properly. It wasn´t much fun but not really hideous work either. It was work, plain and simple. He never had cared much about what he did. Work had always just been work to him; a way to make money to pay rent to pay for food. A career had never interested him but he sometimes felt like he should care, like the people around him seemed to. He didn’t talk to anyone about it but just lived his life like the rest, pretending to care about things he really didn’t care about. His life was grayer than his cubicle walls.
During lunch he walked down to Starbucks, bought a decaf coffee and a diet coke, walked around the block, riding the elevator back up to the 42: nd floor, thinking about nothing. The no-longer-there twin towers not reflecting in his pupils.
Then there was another break at 3 o´clock when Jack usually stretched and ate a bag of chips from one of the vending machines near the bathroom. Then back to work until the long finger pointed at 5. By 5.30 he was yawning in a subway car with the the rest of the city, heading home for a meal and a few hours of sleep.
Dragging himself up the last flight of stairs and fishing up the keys from his front pocket he noticed a movement in the shadow in the corner of the hallway.
Jack unlocked his door, stepped in and let the door stay ajar behind him.
As always there were no questions being asked and no answers being given. In five seconds flat Ennis had him up against the kitchen door, the handle digging into Jack´s hip, ice cold metal buttons branding flesh, trousers hauled down and off and then he was stuck as a fish on a spear, wiggling but not really attempting. Jack kept his eyes pressed shut, his fingernails clawing into the unyielding wood of the door, his forehead turning burning red from friction. Pleasure mixing with pain, clarity with confusion.
It didn´t last long. Never did. A moment of stormy calm. Ennis´s puffs of air tickling Jack´s neck, hands curled around Jack´s hip before they seemed to remember exactly where they were. Uncurled, disappeared. As always Ennis readjusted Jack´s pants from behind, tucked his shirt in and stepped away.
The usual mumbled “got what you deserved…dirty queer”
Jack didn´t move. Kept his eyes closed. Listened to the traffic outside. The honk of a horn. A screeching tire. Ambulance sirens.
The closing of a door.
Jack hit the shower; washing down his guilt and watching it disappear down the drain.
tbc