[Voice] | lol so slow sob ;; sorrysemper_cogitansJuly 12 2011, 04:45:37 UTC
[At first, Robert says nothing. He has no words for this... Ms. Vermillion. This person who smiled at him and talked about friends and helping others - and then tried to murder him.
This confirms what he and Giles had wondered aloud - whether this might've had something to do with the Malnosso, but... in the end, he murmurs, almost without thinking:]
... Ms. Vermillion... when you, at... at that [...] point, said your only reason to... d-do what you were doing was... "destruction", was... was that true...?
And why?
[Violence is almost incomprehensible to him to begin with. But meaningless violence is a whole other ball game, and it is the thing that disturbs him the most about Noel's behaviour, throws him for a loop more than any other violent behaviour he's witnessed.]
[Voice] it's fine |Dbullet_danceJuly 12 2011, 04:59:21 UTC
[...oh, christ.]
Dr. Hastings, I... [you? Come on, Noel, speak.
But she can't. It's that question that shuts her up for once, because she doesn't know. She doesn't understand that behavior -- even if it was her own.
...]
When I was in that form... yes. I did feel that way.
[...] It's not a mental illness. It's nothing like that... I just--
[...]
I... can't really explain it. That person back there... it was me, but at the same time... it wasn't. It's only happened a few times before, but when it does... it's like I lose control of everything I'm doing. I can't even think -- there's nothing I feel, but... hate.
Hate... [The word sounds foreign when Robert says it. He... he's only ever really allowed himself to genuinely hate other people a few times, and even then he felt paralyzing amounts of shame when he did. (Not so much for hating concepts or cultures...)]
... Do... do you hate things, n-now...? [Do you hate me? Do you hate Giles? Do you hate everybody that you killed?] ... None of us have... done any harm. C-Certainly nothing worth [- being killed for -] h-hating.
[She shakes her head.] N-No, not now. I... won't deny that there's people I don't get along well here, but it's nothing compared to the way I felt back then.
... So... so was the hate... given to you as well?
[Robert tries to picture this. He tries to... picture being given pure and absolute hatred. It is mind-bending and terrifying to contemplate and it makes him sick.]
... I... I have... difficulty u-understanding... h-how anybody could kill.
[For any reason, really. But especially this one.]
Does... does it have a... cause? A reason? Surely it has a r-reason... [Surely blind hatred doesn't exist. Can't exist. You can't hate something just because it exists, right? That's irrational...
...
But destroying something because it exists is irrational too.]
... A... a c-close friend of mine... tried to kill me, once, when... when his mind was manipulated by the Malnosso.
As far as I know, there is... o-one therapist here right now; Ms. Paprika. She... s-specializes in dream therapy, if I am not mistaken. [And if the memories of the AU event aren't lying to him.]
... I am not certain how much... assistance she could provide, but it may be something...
I've never heard of her. [And honestly, she's not sure what to expect by contacting someone like that out of the blue. Can't blame her for it making her feel nervous, right? Not a lot of therapists in her world in the first place. :|]
Do you really think something like that could help? I-I wouldn't even know what to say to her...
This confirms what he and Giles had wondered aloud - whether this might've had something to do with the Malnosso, but... in the end, he murmurs, almost without thinking:]
... Ms. Vermillion... when you, at... at that [...] point, said your only reason to... d-do what you were doing was... "destruction", was... was that true...?
And why?
[Violence is almost incomprehensible to him to begin with. But meaningless violence is a whole other ball game, and it is the thing that disturbs him the most about Noel's behaviour, throws him for a loop more than any other violent behaviour he's witnessed.]
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Dr. Hastings, I... [you? Come on, Noel, speak.
But she can't. It's that question that shuts her up for once, because she doesn't know. She doesn't understand that behavior -- even if it was her own.
...]
When I was in that form... yes. I did feel that way.
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... How does that... occur? Is it... [He tries to search for some similar occurrence.] ... Some identity disorder, of some kind? Or...
[He's some mixture of curious, pained and... sad. The fact Noel sounds so different now is just making it even harder for him to fathom this.]
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[...]
I... can't really explain it. That person back there... it was me, but at the same time... it wasn't. It's only happened a few times before, but when it does... it's like I lose control of everything I'm doing. I can't even think -- there's nothing I feel, but... hate.
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... Do... do you hate things, n-now...? [Do you hate me? Do you hate Giles? Do you hate everybody that you killed?] ... None of us have... done any harm. C-Certainly nothing worth [- being killed for -] h-hating.
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[Robert tries to picture this. He tries to... picture being given pure and absolute hatred. It is mind-bending and terrifying to contemplate and it makes him sick.]
... I... I have... difficulty u-understanding... h-how anybody could kill.
[For any reason, really. But especially this one.]
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It was given to me, but... I can't deny that in the end, it was still my own hate.
[She can tell that Robert is having trouble with this, and that's what makes Noel feel ashamed to even talk about this. But for now, she'll press on.]
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Does... does it have a... cause? A reason? Surely it has a r-reason... [Surely blind hatred doesn't exist. Can't exist. You can't hate something just because it exists, right? That's irrational...
...
But destroying something because it exists is irrational too.]
... A... a c-close friend of mine... tried to kill me, once, when... when his mind was manipulated by the Malnosso.
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... I-I wonder if the Malnosso enjoy doing this.
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... [Softly:] If... if you have a reason to h-hate, then... p-perhaps the root cause of that... of that reason can be dealt with...?
... Then perhaps you may not... r-react so... a-aggressively should the Malnosso choose to... repeat this insanity.
[It's worth a shot, at least, and would be better than doing nothing at all. Even if the Malnosso can probably reverse it.]
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You mean... confront the reason I was so angry?
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[This is going to be so hypocritical of him, but:] Have you, er... t-tried therapy, perhaps? To... to deal with those issues?
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Therapy? [...] Even if I considered that, I don't think... there's anything like that here in Luceti.
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... I am not certain how much... assistance she could provide, but it may be something...
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Do you really think something like that could help? I-I wouldn't even know what to say to her...
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