001 - Public Video
[Somewhere, a switch is flipped and the video recorder turns on. Viewers see only a close-up of the left side of a face.]
Helloooo!
[Randal backs away from the camera. He has a grin on his face that suggests this is going to be a lot of fun - but probably not for you.]
This is Randal Graves, coming to you live from -
[He picks up the camera and gives a quick, stomach-churning 360 tour of his room, still talking.]
- my room!
I guess the asshole in charge didn’t want to spring for a suite, because this looks exactly like my shithole bedroom in Leonardo. Crusty socks on the floor and pizza on the ceiling. Home, sweet home.
[Have a quick view of said lonely slice of pizza. He then turns the camera back on himself, sets it on what is apparently a desk, and sits in front of it, leaning forward on his elbows. As he talks, it becomes apparent that he has a piece of gum in his mouth and is talking around it.]
Let me tell you something about cruises: generally you go on them to get away from the shithole bedroom with pizza on the ceiling and socks on the floor. But who am I to complain? I get a vacation, you get me, some dickhead who thought ahead just far enough to murder someone, but not quite far enough to clean up the fucking evidence gets to get in touch with his feelings and say he’s sorry.
[Randal widens his eyes and raises his eyebrows every time he emphasizes a word. If he talked with his hands, he'd be flailing. Speaking of talking with his hands, he now throws his hands up in mock celebration:]
Everyone's a winner!
[He resumes his leaning position.]
So, look. I’m here without my best friend. He’s having a kid and needs to spend “alone time” [He rolls his eyes and waggles his fingers emphatically when he says “alone time”.] with his old lady. I guess being a parent means you get to stop being interesting or something. Not that he was anything but a whiny asshole in the first place, and how interesting can that be? I'm pretty sure I'd kill myself if I had to be Dante for a day. That, or have sex with myself, because Dante would be me.
[Good luck figuring out if he's serious.]
ANYway. [He inhales, his eyes widening again, and exhales out the “ANYway.”]
I’m gonna need a new best friend to pass the time and make this bearable, so think of this as the application process. Pictures are required, because I don’t want to be the ugly fucking chud in this relationship.
[He reaches to turn off the camera, then stops suddenly.]
Oh, wait. Women. Ladies, no offense, but if you put in an application, I’m gonna think you want to do me.
[He managed to say that with a straight face. He grins again as he reaches to turn off the camera.]
Helloooo!
[Randal backs away from the camera. He has a grin on his face that suggests this is going to be a lot of fun - but probably not for you.]
This is Randal Graves, coming to you live from -
[He picks up the camera and gives a quick, stomach-churning 360 tour of his room, still talking.]
- my room!
I guess the asshole in charge didn’t want to spring for a suite, because this looks exactly like my shithole bedroom in Leonardo. Crusty socks on the floor and pizza on the ceiling. Home, sweet home.
[Have a quick view of said lonely slice of pizza. He then turns the camera back on himself, sets it on what is apparently a desk, and sits in front of it, leaning forward on his elbows. As he talks, it becomes apparent that he has a piece of gum in his mouth and is talking around it.]
Let me tell you something about cruises: generally you go on them to get away from the shithole bedroom with pizza on the ceiling and socks on the floor. But who am I to complain? I get a vacation, you get me, some dickhead who thought ahead just far enough to murder someone, but not quite far enough to clean up the fucking evidence gets to get in touch with his feelings and say he’s sorry.
[Randal widens his eyes and raises his eyebrows every time he emphasizes a word. If he talked with his hands, he'd be flailing. Speaking of talking with his hands, he now throws his hands up in mock celebration:]
Everyone's a winner!
[He resumes his leaning position.]
So, look. I’m here without my best friend. He’s having a kid and needs to spend “alone time” [He rolls his eyes and waggles his fingers emphatically when he says “alone time”.] with his old lady. I guess being a parent means you get to stop being interesting or something. Not that he was anything but a whiny asshole in the first place, and how interesting can that be? I'm pretty sure I'd kill myself if I had to be Dante for a day. That, or have sex with myself, because Dante would be me.
[Good luck figuring out if he's serious.]
ANYway. [He inhales, his eyes widening again, and exhales out the “ANYway.”]
I’m gonna need a new best friend to pass the time and make this bearable, so think of this as the application process. Pictures are required, because I don’t want to be the ugly fucking chud in this relationship.
[He reaches to turn off the camera, then stops suddenly.]
Oh, wait. Women. Ladies, no offense, but if you put in an application, I’m gonna think you want to do me.
[He managed to say that with a straight face. He grins again as he reaches to turn off the camera.]