[Fic] Ways of escape
Fandom: V6
Pairings: Okada x Ken (one-sided), Okada x Miyazaki Aoi
Summary: Unfortunately, being lonely together doesn't always mean being less lonely.
"His lips are unexpectedly soft" he says with a cheeky grin and a side glance to his co-actor standing next to him who now bashfully lowers his eyes.
Perfect promotion material. The footage is everywhere. The two of them making out on the bed. Ken in the other man's lap, his red boxers peeking out of his pants as his t-shirt rides up.
He should have turned the TV off after catching it the first time but for some reason he can't. He keeps zapping from one news show to the next like he's under some masochistic spell that is trying to make him hurt himself as much as possible. And it works. His chest feels clenched so tightly that he has trouble breathing and no matter how corny it sounds, his heart hurts, physically hurts.
No matter how often he tells himself that he's finally over it, moments like this make it painfully clear that this is nothing but a big fat lie.
He gets up from the couch without turning off the TV and heads over to the bathroom. Avoiding the look into the mirror, he turns on the tap and leans down to wash his face. The cold water hits him like a slap. When he finally does look up, his face still looks ashen. The lines under his eyes seem more prominent than usual and he suddenly feels terribly old. Old and stupid.
It's not like he hasn't tried. He keeps himself busy. Taking on SP was definitely the right decision at the time. Not just in terms of promoting his acting career but also because it gave him something that he could put all of his time and efforts into. Filming, meetings with the director, training with the stunt people. It became his baby. His everything. His escape. After the last movie was done and the promotion period was over, he was keen to fill the resulting hole in his schedule with new projects as quickly as possible.
Band activities are another thing though. He can't really avoid those. And he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to cause the others any trouble so he feels bad taking as many liberties as he already does because of his solo activities. He can hardly attend any of the tour rehearsals because he’s too busy filming in Kyoto but he diligently watches the training videos they send him and practices alone in his hotel room. Though sometimes he has a hard time concentrating on the choreography when Ken talks directly to the camera, telling him what to keep in mind, while wearing one of those overly colorful tracksuits that make him look like an adorable little kid.
Sometimes it just all becomes too much. The loneliness. The longing. It makes him lose his cool. Makes him do things he regrets afterwards. Nasty hangovers from too many whiskeys on the rocks are definitely easier to deal with than the guilt he feels after waking up in his co-actress' room, the pale skin of her back peeking out from under the sheet next to him.
Miyazaki-san is beautiful. What attracts him more though is the obvious aura of sadness around her. At least to him it seems obvious. He has heard of the rumors. Everyone has. But no one talks about it of course.
They’ve worked together before but the last time they hardly talked at all. This time is different though. Maybe she seems more approachable this time. Maybe the alcohol has already loosened his tongue a little when they meet at the hotel bar one night. They talk about everything and nothing. About their first experiences in acting, about astrology, their favorite books. Nothing too deep but it’s a pleasant way to spend the time.
It becomes a bit of a habit. When he gets down to the bar, she’s already there. There’s this sad expression on her face as long as she feels unwatched but it changes into a small smile when she notices him approaching.
They stay out longer. Not really because they have more to talk about. If he’s honest with himself, he just doesn’t want to go back to his room. She probably feels the same way. Two lonely souls clinging to each other for fear of drowning.
They always leave the bar separately. She’s the one leaving first, wishing him a good night in a soft voice. He watches her walk away, the bare skin of her neck glowing faintly in the dim lighting of the bar. The shorter hair suits her.
Only once there’s a text when he gets back to his room later.
“Can I see you?”
He knows it’s wrong. It’s unprofessional. Even if there weren’t other people involved. He still goes. Shutting out that tiny voice in the back of his head is easier than he thought.
She doesn’t cry when she opens the door but he can see that she’s upset. She doesn’t say anything about it and he doesn’t ask.
He still doesn’t ask when she cries in his arms later. Just tries to kiss the tears away.
She falls asleep with her head resting on his chest. He holds her close, though his thoughts couldn’t be further away.
When he wakes up in the middle of the night, the only connection left between them is her arm that’s loosely draped over his shoulder so he uses the chance to slip out of bed, collect his clothes and leave. It won’t make the guilt go away but it’ll save them both the embarrassment in the morning.
Filming continues as usual without any further difficulties. He doesn’t go down to the bar for a couple of nights. The next time he goes, she’s not there.
Her number is still saved in his phone. As he walks back to the living room and finally turns off the TV, the urge to text her is there again even though he told himself to keep his distance after all the damage that’s been done already.
He scrolls down the list but doesn’t reach her name.
Slumping down on the couch, he stares at the open text editor.
“Why can’t I let you go?”
He rubs at his eyes with his free hand and then deletes the sentence again.
“Good luck with your stage play.”
His finger hovers over the send button for a moment before turning off his phone completely.