completely bitchy & self obsessed
Read if you think you can empathise with a girl feeling sorry for herself.
Don't read if you don't want to hear a non-pregnant, non-married girl whine for awhile.
Okay so trying to make a series of events into a "long-story short":
I spoke to my high school friend Missy on the phone today, whose baby shower is on the 2nd of December. (secretly I'm really beginning to DREAD this shower cuz as much as I really want to see my friend, she's been the enter of attnetion with "buy me stuff" bachlorette parties, bridal showers, weddings, grad parties, etc like 10 times in the past 1.5 years!!!) Plus I'm like MEGA BROKE right now and the last thing I need to be doing is buying a bunch of expensive shit for somebody else's unplanned (& unaborted) pregnancy. [at this point in my life I am pretty much TERRIFIED/can't stand children or babies]
We had been discussing "fear & weight" issues with pregnancy (obviously NO chick WANTS to gain weight, preggers or not) when she mentioned this real skinny girl we knew from high school was still really skinny (despite being 4 months pregnant) for her April wedding, but apparently NOW she's gotten fat or something, apparently after carrying the child to term & popping it out, and you can especially see all this supposed fat in her face. The way she came off, to me anyway, in high school was that her value as a person was 110% dependent on her fake appearance. This girl was one of those prissy, popular, "ME ME ME!!!" types & she tended to be snotty to me, so I was like, "Hey maybe I will feel better about myself & destress if I can see pictures of this chick fat."
(aha, told you it was bitchy & narcissistic. going to hell now)
So once I got into the computer room & actually logged on (computer has more viruses than an African baby) I realized that I had missed my $40 plasma appt. this morning. *punches self in head* = 19.64547% MORE DEPRESSED and 5.234% MORE BROKE
So I logged into my facebook account for like the first time ever. No desire to really be on facebook but for some reason I created an account & then never did anything with it. Apparently Miss Priss has a buttload of good fat photos & I was dismayed to find that you can't really view people's profiles casually? WHAT? What the hell kind of a website is that? So I clicked on the link "view all friends" for shits & giggles & learned (not really a big surprise) that she's "Friends" with a lot of people from our shitty old, close-minded high school town.
BUT THE PART THAT MADE ME need to write down some feelin's in LJ here was that a shit-ton of all these old people I knew have either:
1. graduated fucking college
2. have gotten MARRIED!!?!?!?
3. are WAY prettier than me. Like, MOVIE-STAR HOT pretty. *cries*
WHAT IS WITH this worl fucking finding the one perfect true love when most of these people aren't even fucking 25. How the fuck do they know what love is??? I've only ever had 3 boyfriends. I can find a guy to live with just fine but when it comes to committment, I usually say, "Thanks but no thanks." WTF.
I've been with Tony for over a year now & I STILL don't want to get married to him. Even though he DOES. AND, he wants a kid more than fucking anything.
[side note: I want a PUPPY more than fucking anything. /sidenote]
So I see all these people whose first names & faces I recognize with either a different last name or a userphoto with a fucking baby in it.
So now the tables have turned & the question is, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???!!!
Why do I NOT want to fall into the "suzie homemaker" role & pop out my 2.4 children after settling for the first guy dumb enough to discuss marriage with me?
Why do I want to go back to school,
first to major in womens studies, minor in community health to work to get my GPA up, then
enroll in a second 4-year Nutrition/Dietetics at the University of MN, Twin Cities, then
obtain my masters degree from either the U of M or the University of Washington, Seattle, THEN
try to get into Tufts University in Boston to get my pHD in Nutrition research or something,THEN
work 5736842 hours a week, being on call 24/7 for my job, _THEN_
become the absolutely most highly regarded expert in my field???
Why am I shunned/unusual for saying, "Well, for some people, family is NOT their #1 priority. For some people, work comes before, family, friends, or even hobbies. I am one of those people."
WHY do I now feel like bawling, crawling into bed next to sleeping warm Tony, telling him that I surrender everything I've worked for, everything I stand for, and that I want to give up fucking everything to
1.get married
2. provide him his fucking fatherhood
and 3. be able to compete with all the other chumps on Facebook by putting up my OWN userpic in a generic white wedding dress or a photo with a baby.
Don't read if you don't want to hear a non-pregnant, non-married girl whine for awhile.
Okay so trying to make a series of events into a "long-story short":
I spoke to my high school friend Missy on the phone today, whose baby shower is on the 2nd of December. (secretly I'm really beginning to DREAD this shower cuz as much as I really want to see my friend, she's been the enter of attnetion with "buy me stuff" bachlorette parties, bridal showers, weddings, grad parties, etc like 10 times in the past 1.5 years!!!) Plus I'm like MEGA BROKE right now and the last thing I need to be doing is buying a bunch of expensive shit for somebody else's unplanned (& unaborted) pregnancy. [at this point in my life I am pretty much TERRIFIED/can't stand children or babies]
We had been discussing "fear & weight" issues with pregnancy (obviously NO chick WANTS to gain weight, preggers or not) when she mentioned this real skinny girl we knew from high school was still really skinny (despite being 4 months pregnant) for her April wedding, but apparently NOW she's gotten fat or something, apparently after carrying the child to term & popping it out, and you can especially see all this supposed fat in her face. The way she came off, to me anyway, in high school was that her value as a person was 110% dependent on her fake appearance. This girl was one of those prissy, popular, "ME ME ME!!!" types & she tended to be snotty to me, so I was like, "Hey maybe I will feel better about myself & destress if I can see pictures of this chick fat."
(aha, told you it was bitchy & narcissistic. going to hell now)
So once I got into the computer room & actually logged on (computer has more viruses than an African baby) I realized that I had missed my $40 plasma appt. this morning. *punches self in head* = 19.64547% MORE DEPRESSED and 5.234% MORE BROKE
So I logged into my facebook account for like the first time ever. No desire to really be on facebook but for some reason I created an account & then never did anything with it. Apparently Miss Priss has a buttload of good fat photos & I was dismayed to find that you can't really view people's profiles casually? WHAT? What the hell kind of a website is that? So I clicked on the link "view all friends" for shits & giggles & learned (not really a big surprise) that she's "Friends" with a lot of people from our shitty old, close-minded high school town.
BUT THE PART THAT MADE ME need to write down some feelin's in LJ here was that a shit-ton of all these old people I knew have either:
1. graduated fucking college
2. have gotten MARRIED!!?!?!?
3. are WAY prettier than me. Like, MOVIE-STAR HOT pretty. *cries*
WHAT IS WITH this worl fucking finding the one perfect true love when most of these people aren't even fucking 25. How the fuck do they know what love is??? I've only ever had 3 boyfriends. I can find a guy to live with just fine but when it comes to committment, I usually say, "Thanks but no thanks." WTF.
I've been with Tony for over a year now & I STILL don't want to get married to him. Even though he DOES. AND, he wants a kid more than fucking anything.
[side note: I want a PUPPY more than fucking anything. /sidenote]
So I see all these people whose first names & faces I recognize with either a different last name or a userphoto with a fucking baby in it.
So now the tables have turned & the question is, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???!!!
Why do I NOT want to fall into the "suzie homemaker" role & pop out my 2.4 children after settling for the first guy dumb enough to discuss marriage with me?
Why do I want to go back to school,
first to major in womens studies, minor in community health to work to get my GPA up, then
enroll in a second 4-year Nutrition/Dietetics at the University of MN, Twin Cities, then
obtain my masters degree from either the U of M or the University of Washington, Seattle, THEN
try to get into Tufts University in Boston to get my pHD in Nutrition research or something,THEN
work 5736842 hours a week, being on call 24/7 for my job, _THEN_
become the absolutely most highly regarded expert in my field???
Why am I shunned/unusual for saying, "Well, for some people, family is NOT their #1 priority. For some people, work comes before, family, friends, or even hobbies. I am one of those people."
WHY do I now feel like bawling, crawling into bed next to sleeping warm Tony, telling him that I surrender everything I've worked for, everything I stand for, and that I want to give up fucking everything to
1.get married
2. provide him his fucking fatherhood
and 3. be able to compete with all the other chumps on Facebook by putting up my OWN userpic in a generic white wedding dress or a photo with a baby.