DCBB fic - Are You There, Dean Winchester? It's Me ... God - PART FOUR
MASTERPOST
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PART FOUR
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~~~CASTIEL~~~
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Castiel sighed when the tell-tale ‘WHUMP’ of Sam Winchester’s overly large body hitting the leather couch resounded in the room. And if he, say, borrowed a little of Dean’s smuggled Grace to push the younger hunter straight into sleep? Well … who would be the wiser, really? The younger man clearly needed some sleep. Not to mention the hovering was … disquieting.
The angel could feel his own shoulders start to sag in exhaustion, and he let his head hang forward against his chin just a little. There was a sudden clucking sound from directly behind him, and Cas realized he’d completely forgotten that his brother was even in the room. Balthazar was making an aggravating ‘tsking’ sound as he approached.
“Cassie, darling, you’re going to need to rest as well. You’re not going to be able to keep this up for much longer without rest.”
Well, that answered the question Castiel previously posed himself about if Balthazar had realized what he was doing in order to keep Dean in check. Castiel closed his eyes and reached out with his Grace towards the silent figure on the bed. The power currently roiling in the body of Dean Winchester was positively frightening. It rippled and glimmered and danced in every bit of the hunter it could manage to take hold.
Cas called to his own Grace inside Dean’s body. The body he had painstakingly reconstructed all on his own. The angel’s Grace spider-webbed through the young human at Castiel’s command and gently pushed and pulled the Grace of the Almighty into smaller, digestible pools. If Cas’ Grace had not already been present in Dean, he shuddered to think of what would have happened to his friend.
God’s Grace should be ripping him apart at the seams, but instead it was simply roaming about, testing the boundaries. Honestly, though, Cas wasn’t sure how much longer he would be able to keep it in check. With another little push, he tightened his hold on the Grace of God a bit more, and then opened his eyes to stare at the face of the young man before him.
“I will rest once we figure this out and save Dean.”
Balthazar clucked disapprovingly behind him once again, but then a warm solid hand gripped the back of Castiel’s neck in a comforting manner.
“Of course, brother, but you won’t be able to save him if you burn yourself out completely. If you lost control of the Grace inside little Dean, there is no telling what would happen to the boy. Well, aside from the fact that it would be very messy and probably make you cry.”
The urge to scoff and snort at the other angel’s words bubbled to the surface, and Cas marveled at it, once he recognized it for what it was. A very Dean-like gesture. Perhaps he had been around the Winchesters’ for far too long. He moved his gaze to the elder Winchester’s face.
Castiel had always known that Dean had a beautiful soul, had even told him as much, from the first moment he had found him. Even as beaten and bruised as it had been, it was such a lovely thing to behold. The gruff exterior Dean always tried so hard to project could do nothing to hide the beauty inside.
Now though. NOW.
Castiel shivered for a brief second.
Now it was absolutely STUNNING.
It shined and shimmered so brilliantly that he was truly desperate with wanting to touch. He wanted to reach inside the human body and grasp that soul for just the briefest of seconds. To run the pads of his fingers along the power and electricity and glory that he knew would be there. Just once. Just for a second.
The hand at his nape tensed unrepentantly and offered a little shake. It brought Castiel back to reality in a snap. He hadn’t even realized that he had moved his left hand up to rest in the middle of Dean’s chest. Cas swallowed audibly and snatched his hand away from the other man.
“It really is hard not to want to touch, isn’t it, Castiel?”
The other angel’s voice was open and honest for once. He wasn’t judging, simply stating fact. Castiel nodded minutely while Balthazar continued.
“That’s why we have to keep him safe here and figure out what in Father’s name we’re going to do. I went upstairs to do a little recon. The Civil War has been put on hold.”
Castiel’s gaze whipped around instantly to meet his brother’s eyes.
“I don’t understand.”
Balthazar crossed his arms, hugging them tight to his chest, and nodded with his head towards Dean.
“Just as I said. It’s on hold. Word is out on the little bun in Dean’s oven, and every angel in Heaven’s Army is looking for him … and for you.”
A spike of fear laced it’s way up through Castiel’s spine. Dean.
“The fighting … the fighting has just stopped? Who’s in charge?”
The other angel sneered in distaste.
“Who do you think, Cassie dear? Our own lovely Raphael. He understands exactly what that was that you gave Dean Winchester in that warehouse and he knows that any angel that might take that bit of Grace within themselves would be the next commander of Heaven. There would be no one that could stand against them. So he’s convinced all the Heavenly Hosts that this was your plan all along. To obtain that Grace and become the next GOD.”
A startled, unbidden laugh escaped Castiel’s lips. He quickly moved off the bed to stand before his brother.
“That’s absurd. I hadn’t even considered that-”
“Hadn’t you, brother?”
Castiel shook his head in quick denial.
“No, brother … I hadn’t. After Joshua presented it to me, I hadn’t even had the chance to determine what to do with it before Raphael was upon me and I went running.”
A strange little smirk appeared on Balthazar’s lips.
“Running straight to Dean Winchester? I wonder why that was your first instinct, hmm?”
That gave Castiel pause. He turned his head back towards the bed and sought Dean’s face with his gaze.
“I … I am not … sure. I only know that the moment I touched it, I … I needed to get to Dean.”
Balthazar sucked a quick breath in through his teeth, and then let his arms drop to his sides.
“Perhaps because that was what you were supposed to do with it?”
Castiel didn’t turn away from watching Dean when he answered.
“You think Father planned this? Wanted this to happen? Why?”
The other angel turned and began to slowly meander back towards the small kitchen. He was pretty sure he could snake up a couple more bottles of wine from the depths of the cabinets.
“No one but HE would know, would they?”
“You have a theory again, though, don’t you?”
Balthazar actually chuckled at that, and it took Castiel a moment to realize that there had been a petulant lilt to his voice when he’d spoken.
“Yes, indeed, Cassie. This is Father giving you a Golden Opportunity, as it were.”
“To do what, exactly?”
“END THIS, Castiel! To end ALL of this!”
Castiel shook his head.
“No. There has to be another way.”
“THERE ISN’T ANOTHER WAY, CASTIEL!”
Sam Winchester snorted and roused a little from his sleep. Castiel pulled a bit more of Dean’s power and gently pushed it towards his little brother to send him back into a deep slumber.
“Please be quiet, Balthazar.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake, Castiel!”
The taller angel stalked clear across the room and right up into Castiel’s face. Immediately, Dean’s voice popped into his head saying ‘personal space, Cas?’ and he had to fight the urge to smile.
“Cas, I hate to state the obvious here, but we’re losing. YOU are losing. With this little predicament now, nearly everyone has sided with Raphael. If you don’t do something, they’re going to kill you AND me AND the Winchesters and then go about pretty much destroying the world. Is that what you want to happen?”
Castiel shook his head and clenched his fists tightly in the sleeves of his jacket.
“No … but Dean-”
“There IS no ‘BUT DEAN’ here, Cassie. Dean is your solution and the world’s salvation right now. All we have to do is unleash the Grace within him and stick him up in Heaven. It’ll be like a cat in a room of canaries. He’ll sort it out.”
“… and then be obliterated into nothing when the Grace can’t be contained anymore and melts him from the inside?”
Balthazar grimaced for a second before placing a consoling hand on the slighter angel’s shoulder.
“And consequently save nearly everything in existence? Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what we do.”
Something ugly and painful clenched in Castiel’s throat.
“I don’t … I don’t think I can do that, brother.”
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~~~DEAN~~~
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At the first touch of Castiel’s Grace against the Grace of God within him, Dean came back to consciousness. He remained utterly still and silent as he felt the Angel direct his own Grace to push and prod and pool the hitchhiking Grace inside the hunter. He wasn’t sure how Cas didn’t realize that he was awake, but figured that it must have something to do with the power thrumming through his veins. Maybe…maybe just because he didn’t want the angel to know he’d awoken, he didn’t.
Holy shit that was some heady stuff right there.
He felt the pull of power that Cas had tugged away from him to put Sam to sleep. He tried to familiarize himself with it…with all of it. Feeling Castiel gently tug and package away bits of power here and there, Dean paid attention to every last feeling. And he learned.
It took him a few moments to really pay attention to the conversation going on in the room. He came in around the time that Balthazar was explaining to Cas that the Civil War was apparently over. Raphael had taken charge, and Operation: Get Dean Winchester’s Knocked-Up-with-the-Grace-of-God’s Ass was highest priority and seemingly a GO. Fantastic. And if Balthazar was right and this was all God’s Plan, Dean was going to have a hell of a lot to tell the asshole if ever he got the chance to meet him.
When Balthazar practically screeched at Cas, Dean almost gave himself away by startling right off the fucking bed. He managed to keep it together, though, because he was fucking awesome like that. He could hear Sam dragging to consciousness at the sound, but then Cas was pulling from Dean again to send baby brother back to his nap time.
Damn. It was … the feeling of Cas kind of reaching inside him and pulling was just… well let’s just be honest here. It was damn near erotic. Dean’s pretty damn sure that Cas had no idea what it feels like to be the pullee and not the pull-er, because if he did … he might have stopped after the first time. Give a bit of the wrong impression, if you know what I mean.
Dean swallowed thickly once the sense of Cas had moved away again. Then he found himself too caught up in considering exactly what Balthazar was talking about further in the room. The possibility that Dean could end everything. That Dean could put it all right and save everybody.
Fuck. That’s something pretty big to take in. Save the world. Fix all the damage done. Burn up like a bit of tissue over a flame for your efforts. Nice work, God. Bravo. Thanks a ton. And a big old ‘FUCK YOU’ to Balthazar for being readily eager to light the fire himself.
“I don’t … I don’t think I can do that, brother.”
Cas’s whispered words struck a hard blow somewhere deep inside Dean’s belly. The angel sounded tormented over the thought of turning Dean over to the fate that Balthazar was spewing from his smug ass face, and Dean appreciated the hell out of that. It was nice to know that Cas still cared. Especially after the rocky road to re-establishing their friendship they had been traveling the last several months.
There was a soft sigh that must have been Balthazar because when his voice next left his lips it was muted, understanding and gentle. Blew Dean for a loop for a minute.
“Castiel. I know … I know that this man means a great deal to you. More so than you will probably ever truly understand, but to quote a rather oddball, classic American Sci-Fi program, ‘the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.’ Dean will understand. I am sure, that if you ask him, Dean will understand.”
And that was the fucking thing of it, right there, wasn‘t it? Dean did understand. Perfectly. More so than Balthazar or Castiel or anyone else ever really could. Dean understood because his little brother had already done the exact same thing. His little brother had held Satan himself at bay and willingly jumped into the bowels of Hell to be tortured and tormented for the rest of time, just because he knew it was the right thing to do. Just because if he hadn’t stepped up and done it, the entire world would have suffered.
Sammy had given the ultimate sacrifice, but because the monumentally dick-headed hordes of bored angels just couldn’t accept that, all of Dean’s little brother’s sacrifices had been in vain. Lucifer was gone, sure, but apparently Heaven just refused to let the Apocalypse go without a fight, and now it could all end. Again.
It was fucking ridiculous, is what it was.
Dean swallowed thickly as he felt resolution sink into his gut like a lead weight. God had apparently given him this power for a reason, and that reason was more important than himself. Besides, really, would he ever be able to look his little brother in the fucking eye again if he couldn’t do this? If he couldn’t do this, when Sammy already had? Hell no. Hell. No.
He’s not even sure if Cas and Balthazar kept talking after that. There were too many thoughts tumbling around in his mind. Too many regrets. Too many open-ended dreams that would apparently never find resolution. Really, though, how many times had Dean Winchester died at this point? Did he really expect it could keep on going?
Honestly, he should just be counting his lucky stars that he’d had the last couple years added on to his lifespan. He’d been able to really reconnect with Sam and Bobby, Lisa and Ben, made his way to Heaven somehow and found Ash. Knew that there was someplace that all the hunters would go. All his friends and family. Dean had complete faith that Ash probably already found Ellen and Jo by now, and that they’re all together kicking back some beers and lamenting the day any of them ever laid eyes on a Winchester.
Let’s not forget though, in these last couple years, he also got to meet Cas. Castiel, who blew his whole world order for a loop when he walked into that shed and announced that God was real and he was an angel.
Castiel, who when they first met would look at Dean with his steady gaze that would silently say ‘I saved you, so don’t make me smite you.’ Then as they’d spent more time together it shifted to, ‘I like you kind of, so don’t make me smite you on principal.’ After a while though, it was just his buddy Cas. That he once tried to get laid and sometimes drank with, and depended on, when Dean Winchester depended on no one.
An angel he’d bled with and fought with and saved the world with. They’d argued and disagreed, maybe stained their knuckles with the other’s blood once or twice, but he still always counted Cas as being on his side. For fuck’s sake! The angel was pretty much the only close friend besides Sammy that Dean had ever really had in his entire fucking life. Ain’t that a kicker! Maybe they should get matching ‘BFF’ bracelets to wear!
He didn’t really feel the humor behind that thought, though, because Dean was pretty sure that he’d let Castiel down this last year or so. The loss of Sam had been so deadening, the grief so all encompassing, that he hadn’t thought of Cas once for those first several months. Now, he thinks, he really should have. He could have called out to the angel just to check in on him from time to time. Made sure Heaven had sorted itself out, which obviously it hadn’t. Asked his friend if there was anything he needed of him, instead of sticking his head in the sand and pretending it wasn’t a giant monkey sitting on his back.
When Sam had come back, it was like his brother was still dead to him anyway. To learn that everyone had been keeping it from him, lying to him, leaving him out of the loop. Maybe he should have handled Cas differently, treated him better, done it all with more understanding and respect. If he’d been in his right mind, he’s sure he would have, but dealing with Sam as he had been before. Well … to tell the truth, Dean had just been too wrung out mentally and emotionally to treat Cas the way he deserved.
All the more reason.
All the more reason for him to set everything right now.
He owed Castiel. He owed Sammy. He owed every person that had ever trained him, saved him, and stitched him up. He owed every person that had ever been foolish enough to actually give a damn about Dean Winchester.
So he was going to do this. He was going to go through with God’s plan and save the world. Make everything right for everyone he cared about, and then burn away like a forgotten paper lantern.
All in all. Didn’t seem like too bad a deal to Dean.
PART FIVE
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PART FOUR
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~~~CASTIEL~~~
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Castiel sighed when the tell-tale ‘WHUMP’ of Sam Winchester’s overly large body hitting the leather couch resounded in the room. And if he, say, borrowed a little of Dean’s smuggled Grace to push the younger hunter straight into sleep? Well … who would be the wiser, really? The younger man clearly needed some sleep. Not to mention the hovering was … disquieting.
The angel could feel his own shoulders start to sag in exhaustion, and he let his head hang forward against his chin just a little. There was a sudden clucking sound from directly behind him, and Cas realized he’d completely forgotten that his brother was even in the room. Balthazar was making an aggravating ‘tsking’ sound as he approached.
“Cassie, darling, you’re going to need to rest as well. You’re not going to be able to keep this up for much longer without rest.”
Well, that answered the question Castiel previously posed himself about if Balthazar had realized what he was doing in order to keep Dean in check. Castiel closed his eyes and reached out with his Grace towards the silent figure on the bed. The power currently roiling in the body of Dean Winchester was positively frightening. It rippled and glimmered and danced in every bit of the hunter it could manage to take hold.
Cas called to his own Grace inside Dean’s body. The body he had painstakingly reconstructed all on his own. The angel’s Grace spider-webbed through the young human at Castiel’s command and gently pushed and pulled the Grace of the Almighty into smaller, digestible pools. If Cas’ Grace had not already been present in Dean, he shuddered to think of what would have happened to his friend.
God’s Grace should be ripping him apart at the seams, but instead it was simply roaming about, testing the boundaries. Honestly, though, Cas wasn’t sure how much longer he would be able to keep it in check. With another little push, he tightened his hold on the Grace of God a bit more, and then opened his eyes to stare at the face of the young man before him.
“I will rest once we figure this out and save Dean.”
Balthazar clucked disapprovingly behind him once again, but then a warm solid hand gripped the back of Castiel’s neck in a comforting manner.
“Of course, brother, but you won’t be able to save him if you burn yourself out completely. If you lost control of the Grace inside little Dean, there is no telling what would happen to the boy. Well, aside from the fact that it would be very messy and probably make you cry.”
The urge to scoff and snort at the other angel’s words bubbled to the surface, and Cas marveled at it, once he recognized it for what it was. A very Dean-like gesture. Perhaps he had been around the Winchesters’ for far too long. He moved his gaze to the elder Winchester’s face.
Castiel had always known that Dean had a beautiful soul, had even told him as much, from the first moment he had found him. Even as beaten and bruised as it had been, it was such a lovely thing to behold. The gruff exterior Dean always tried so hard to project could do nothing to hide the beauty inside.
Now though. NOW.
Castiel shivered for a brief second.
Now it was absolutely STUNNING.
It shined and shimmered so brilliantly that he was truly desperate with wanting to touch. He wanted to reach inside the human body and grasp that soul for just the briefest of seconds. To run the pads of his fingers along the power and electricity and glory that he knew would be there. Just once. Just for a second.
The hand at his nape tensed unrepentantly and offered a little shake. It brought Castiel back to reality in a snap. He hadn’t even realized that he had moved his left hand up to rest in the middle of Dean’s chest. Cas swallowed audibly and snatched his hand away from the other man.
“It really is hard not to want to touch, isn’t it, Castiel?”
The other angel’s voice was open and honest for once. He wasn’t judging, simply stating fact. Castiel nodded minutely while Balthazar continued.
“That’s why we have to keep him safe here and figure out what in Father’s name we’re going to do. I went upstairs to do a little recon. The Civil War has been put on hold.”
Castiel’s gaze whipped around instantly to meet his brother’s eyes.
“I don’t understand.”
Balthazar crossed his arms, hugging them tight to his chest, and nodded with his head towards Dean.
“Just as I said. It’s on hold. Word is out on the little bun in Dean’s oven, and every angel in Heaven’s Army is looking for him … and for you.”
A spike of fear laced it’s way up through Castiel’s spine. Dean.
“The fighting … the fighting has just stopped? Who’s in charge?”
The other angel sneered in distaste.
“Who do you think, Cassie dear? Our own lovely Raphael. He understands exactly what that was that you gave Dean Winchester in that warehouse and he knows that any angel that might take that bit of Grace within themselves would be the next commander of Heaven. There would be no one that could stand against them. So he’s convinced all the Heavenly Hosts that this was your plan all along. To obtain that Grace and become the next GOD.”
A startled, unbidden laugh escaped Castiel’s lips. He quickly moved off the bed to stand before his brother.
“That’s absurd. I hadn’t even considered that-”
“Hadn’t you, brother?”
Castiel shook his head in quick denial.
“No, brother … I hadn’t. After Joshua presented it to me, I hadn’t even had the chance to determine what to do with it before Raphael was upon me and I went running.”
A strange little smirk appeared on Balthazar’s lips.
“Running straight to Dean Winchester? I wonder why that was your first instinct, hmm?”
That gave Castiel pause. He turned his head back towards the bed and sought Dean’s face with his gaze.
“I … I am not … sure. I only know that the moment I touched it, I … I needed to get to Dean.”
Balthazar sucked a quick breath in through his teeth, and then let his arms drop to his sides.
“Perhaps because that was what you were supposed to do with it?”
Castiel didn’t turn away from watching Dean when he answered.
“You think Father planned this? Wanted this to happen? Why?”
The other angel turned and began to slowly meander back towards the small kitchen. He was pretty sure he could snake up a couple more bottles of wine from the depths of the cabinets.
“No one but HE would know, would they?”
“You have a theory again, though, don’t you?”
Balthazar actually chuckled at that, and it took Castiel a moment to realize that there had been a petulant lilt to his voice when he’d spoken.
“Yes, indeed, Cassie. This is Father giving you a Golden Opportunity, as it were.”
“To do what, exactly?”
“END THIS, Castiel! To end ALL of this!”
Castiel shook his head.
“No. There has to be another way.”
“THERE ISN’T ANOTHER WAY, CASTIEL!”
Sam Winchester snorted and roused a little from his sleep. Castiel pulled a bit more of Dean’s power and gently pushed it towards his little brother to send him back into a deep slumber.
“Please be quiet, Balthazar.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake, Castiel!”
The taller angel stalked clear across the room and right up into Castiel’s face. Immediately, Dean’s voice popped into his head saying ‘personal space, Cas?’ and he had to fight the urge to smile.
“Cas, I hate to state the obvious here, but we’re losing. YOU are losing. With this little predicament now, nearly everyone has sided with Raphael. If you don’t do something, they’re going to kill you AND me AND the Winchesters and then go about pretty much destroying the world. Is that what you want to happen?”
Castiel shook his head and clenched his fists tightly in the sleeves of his jacket.
“No … but Dean-”
“There IS no ‘BUT DEAN’ here, Cassie. Dean is your solution and the world’s salvation right now. All we have to do is unleash the Grace within him and stick him up in Heaven. It’ll be like a cat in a room of canaries. He’ll sort it out.”
“… and then be obliterated into nothing when the Grace can’t be contained anymore and melts him from the inside?”
Balthazar grimaced for a second before placing a consoling hand on the slighter angel’s shoulder.
“And consequently save nearly everything in existence? Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what we do.”
Something ugly and painful clenched in Castiel’s throat.
“I don’t … I don’t think I can do that, brother.”
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~~~DEAN~~~
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At the first touch of Castiel’s Grace against the Grace of God within him, Dean came back to consciousness. He remained utterly still and silent as he felt the Angel direct his own Grace to push and prod and pool the hitchhiking Grace inside the hunter. He wasn’t sure how Cas didn’t realize that he was awake, but figured that it must have something to do with the power thrumming through his veins. Maybe…maybe just because he didn’t want the angel to know he’d awoken, he didn’t.
Holy shit that was some heady stuff right there.
He felt the pull of power that Cas had tugged away from him to put Sam to sleep. He tried to familiarize himself with it…with all of it. Feeling Castiel gently tug and package away bits of power here and there, Dean paid attention to every last feeling. And he learned.
It took him a few moments to really pay attention to the conversation going on in the room. He came in around the time that Balthazar was explaining to Cas that the Civil War was apparently over. Raphael had taken charge, and Operation: Get Dean Winchester’s Knocked-Up-with-the-Grace-of-God’s Ass was highest priority and seemingly a GO. Fantastic. And if Balthazar was right and this was all God’s Plan, Dean was going to have a hell of a lot to tell the asshole if ever he got the chance to meet him.
When Balthazar practically screeched at Cas, Dean almost gave himself away by startling right off the fucking bed. He managed to keep it together, though, because he was fucking awesome like that. He could hear Sam dragging to consciousness at the sound, but then Cas was pulling from Dean again to send baby brother back to his nap time.
Damn. It was … the feeling of Cas kind of reaching inside him and pulling was just… well let’s just be honest here. It was damn near erotic. Dean’s pretty damn sure that Cas had no idea what it feels like to be the pullee and not the pull-er, because if he did … he might have stopped after the first time. Give a bit of the wrong impression, if you know what I mean.
Dean swallowed thickly once the sense of Cas had moved away again. Then he found himself too caught up in considering exactly what Balthazar was talking about further in the room. The possibility that Dean could end everything. That Dean could put it all right and save everybody.
Fuck. That’s something pretty big to take in. Save the world. Fix all the damage done. Burn up like a bit of tissue over a flame for your efforts. Nice work, God. Bravo. Thanks a ton. And a big old ‘FUCK YOU’ to Balthazar for being readily eager to light the fire himself.
“I don’t … I don’t think I can do that, brother.”
Cas’s whispered words struck a hard blow somewhere deep inside Dean’s belly. The angel sounded tormented over the thought of turning Dean over to the fate that Balthazar was spewing from his smug ass face, and Dean appreciated the hell out of that. It was nice to know that Cas still cared. Especially after the rocky road to re-establishing their friendship they had been traveling the last several months.
There was a soft sigh that must have been Balthazar because when his voice next left his lips it was muted, understanding and gentle. Blew Dean for a loop for a minute.
“Castiel. I know … I know that this man means a great deal to you. More so than you will probably ever truly understand, but to quote a rather oddball, classic American Sci-Fi program, ‘the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.’ Dean will understand. I am sure, that if you ask him, Dean will understand.”
And that was the fucking thing of it, right there, wasn‘t it? Dean did understand. Perfectly. More so than Balthazar or Castiel or anyone else ever really could. Dean understood because his little brother had already done the exact same thing. His little brother had held Satan himself at bay and willingly jumped into the bowels of Hell to be tortured and tormented for the rest of time, just because he knew it was the right thing to do. Just because if he hadn’t stepped up and done it, the entire world would have suffered.
Sammy had given the ultimate sacrifice, but because the monumentally dick-headed hordes of bored angels just couldn’t accept that, all of Dean’s little brother’s sacrifices had been in vain. Lucifer was gone, sure, but apparently Heaven just refused to let the Apocalypse go without a fight, and now it could all end. Again.
It was fucking ridiculous, is what it was.
Dean swallowed thickly as he felt resolution sink into his gut like a lead weight. God had apparently given him this power for a reason, and that reason was more important than himself. Besides, really, would he ever be able to look his little brother in the fucking eye again if he couldn’t do this? If he couldn’t do this, when Sammy already had? Hell no. Hell. No.
He’s not even sure if Cas and Balthazar kept talking after that. There were too many thoughts tumbling around in his mind. Too many regrets. Too many open-ended dreams that would apparently never find resolution. Really, though, how many times had Dean Winchester died at this point? Did he really expect it could keep on going?
Honestly, he should just be counting his lucky stars that he’d had the last couple years added on to his lifespan. He’d been able to really reconnect with Sam and Bobby, Lisa and Ben, made his way to Heaven somehow and found Ash. Knew that there was someplace that all the hunters would go. All his friends and family. Dean had complete faith that Ash probably already found Ellen and Jo by now, and that they’re all together kicking back some beers and lamenting the day any of them ever laid eyes on a Winchester.
Let’s not forget though, in these last couple years, he also got to meet Cas. Castiel, who blew his whole world order for a loop when he walked into that shed and announced that God was real and he was an angel.
Castiel, who when they first met would look at Dean with his steady gaze that would silently say ‘I saved you, so don’t make me smite you.’ Then as they’d spent more time together it shifted to, ‘I like you kind of, so don’t make me smite you on principal.’ After a while though, it was just his buddy Cas. That he once tried to get laid and sometimes drank with, and depended on, when Dean Winchester depended on no one.
An angel he’d bled with and fought with and saved the world with. They’d argued and disagreed, maybe stained their knuckles with the other’s blood once or twice, but he still always counted Cas as being on his side. For fuck’s sake! The angel was pretty much the only close friend besides Sammy that Dean had ever really had in his entire fucking life. Ain’t that a kicker! Maybe they should get matching ‘BFF’ bracelets to wear!
He didn’t really feel the humor behind that thought, though, because Dean was pretty sure that he’d let Castiel down this last year or so. The loss of Sam had been so deadening, the grief so all encompassing, that he hadn’t thought of Cas once for those first several months. Now, he thinks, he really should have. He could have called out to the angel just to check in on him from time to time. Made sure Heaven had sorted itself out, which obviously it hadn’t. Asked his friend if there was anything he needed of him, instead of sticking his head in the sand and pretending it wasn’t a giant monkey sitting on his back.
When Sam had come back, it was like his brother was still dead to him anyway. To learn that everyone had been keeping it from him, lying to him, leaving him out of the loop. Maybe he should have handled Cas differently, treated him better, done it all with more understanding and respect. If he’d been in his right mind, he’s sure he would have, but dealing with Sam as he had been before. Well … to tell the truth, Dean had just been too wrung out mentally and emotionally to treat Cas the way he deserved.
All the more reason.
All the more reason for him to set everything right now.
He owed Castiel. He owed Sammy. He owed every person that had ever trained him, saved him, and stitched him up. He owed every person that had ever been foolish enough to actually give a damn about Dean Winchester.
So he was going to do this. He was going to go through with God’s plan and save the world. Make everything right for everyone he cared about, and then burn away like a forgotten paper lantern.
All in all. Didn’t seem like too bad a deal to Dean.
PART FIVE