DCBB fic - Are You There, Dean Winchester? It's Me ... God - PART SEVEN
MASTERPOST
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PART SEVEN
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~~~DEAN~~~
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All in all it was a pretty damn fine last day. The burgers were good, the company was awesome, and the pie was fucking fantastic. Just being able to have one day of peace and enjoy being around Sammy and Castiel, and begrudgingly Balthazar, had lightened the heavy pressure in Dean’s chest. He would have liked to have seen Bobby once more, but the old hunter was far too perceptive and would have given everything away in about two seconds.
He had indulged himself with the poker game, truth be told. Just wanted to have some sort of excuse to sit close to Cas and maybe try and figure out if this crazy attraction thing was all in his head. Or all in the mind of a silly little moth made up of the Grace of God. The warmth of the angel against him, and the way that Cas would give a sharp little inhale whenever Dean whispered tips into his ear, had proven beyond a doubt that there was actually something there. It wasn’t some crazy side effect of the Grace within him. There was an honest to … to shit … chemical reaction going on. Dean Winchester was crushing on an angel. An angel who, though usually sexless, was currently embodying the form of a dude.
A dude. Guy. Man. Fella. Person currently in possession of a penis.
This was all very new to Dean. Well, obviously penises themselves were not new to Dean. He and his own penis had a very close and loving affiliation. It was the whole possibility of being involved in a sexual relationship wherein two penises may be participants that kind of made his higher brain functions scream like a girl and dive off of the boat.
Maybe it was a good thing that he wasn’t going to be around long enough to try it out. Because chances were he would just fuck it all up beyond repair and Castiel would hate him for eternity. Or possibly just smite his fabulously adorable ass into oblivion.
Better for all around, really.
Dean really felt bad for Sammy, though, the poor kid. It was obvious that his younger brother knew that something was going on; he’d been damn near brooding the entire day. In all fairness, Sam knew Dean just as well as Dean knew Sam, so … Sammy could probably tell first thing this morning that something he wouldn’t like was about to go down. If there was any other way to settle this whole mess, Dean would jump at it. He just had to convince Sam of that as well. Because for shit’s sake, was there a translation of the name Winchester somewhere in the old language that directly correlated to ‘sucker who will happily sacrifice for the greater good’? He’s pretty sure it has to be out there.
A movement caught Dean’s eye and he shifted his gaze to Castiel. The angel was rhythmically clenching and releasing the long fingers of his hands into fists. Dean couldn’t tell if Cas even realized he was doing it, his eyes were too focused on somewhere in the middle of Dean’s chest. The look on his face was dubious, though, caught somewhere between astoundingly pissed off and ‘boo hoo the mailman just kicked my puppy‘.
Which meant that Cas knew something was up, too, and thus apparently Dean was really incapable of hiding shit from these two people. Well, fuck. At least they had gone along with his silly requests for the day. Played to his whims. Probably all the while both of them thinking, independently, of how they were going to stop Dean Winchester from doing whatever stupid self-flagellating thing he was about to do today.
Damn. Big word there. Sammy woulda been proud.
Balthazar made a sudden noise under his breath that was somewhere between a cough, a sigh, and a ‘fuck off and die already you pitifully weak piece of shit human being.’ Which meant time was up. Dean Winchester this has been your life and its fucking over now. Please be the badass mother fucker that we all know you are and save the planet? Why yes, ma’am, I do believe I will. Please make sure my memorial statue has an extra large fig leaf and the words ‘suck it, bitches’ carved into my bare ass. Thanks.
Dean rolled his neck slowly once, his shoulders slowly twice, and carefully started snipping away at the bits of Castiel’s Grace that were holding him in check.
Fix it? Fix it now?
Yeah, Mothra, baby. Time to get your game face on. We’re about to fix it all.
There was an excited squeak of noise from the Grace inside him, and then he felt it building up its strength in downright terrifying magnitude. Castiel’s safe guards all started to melt slowly away. Dean could feel power humming in his veins, but he begged for a couple moments to say goodbye before he lost his own consciousness to the intensity. The Grace seemed to understand his request and muted the energy back a bit. Dean sighed deeply and slowly pulled himself to his feet.
He supposed it was a testament to Sam and Castiel’s affection for him that they both surged forward the moment he rose, as if to stop him. Dean pulled some power from the Grace and halted them both in their tracks. He wasn’t really sure how he did it exactly, he just kind of imagined that they were both stuck in cement from the waist down, and just that quickly they both skidded to a stop.
If he had been in the mood for humor, the looks on the two men’s faces would have been hysterical, but as it was Dean just felt like a giant douche bag. Sammy was struggling to move his feet forward and growing more visibly panicked by the second. Castiel, though, was simply standing there frozen and staring at Dean intently. For his part, Dean smiled sheepishly back at the angel.
“Sorry, guys. I’m really fucking sorry.”
His words made Sam forget about his paralyzed lower body and try to grab for Dean. There was a look of hurt betrayal on his younger brother’s face that made Dean want to stab himself in the eye.
“Dean. Whatever you’re thinking of. Don’t do it.”
Sam’s voice caught a bit in the middle, and fuck if Dean couldn’t feel the tears start to well up in his own eyes.
“Sorry, Sammy. Got a plan. Got something I have to do.”
“Dean. What exactly are you planning on doing?”
Castiel’s voice had been stern and bitter, but laced with such a heavy sense potential loss, that Dean felt his gut clench in sympathy. It always sucked so much to be on that side of sacrifice. Sacrificing yourself was pretty easy, oddly enough, but having someone you love sacrifice themselves for you. Damn. That’s a pain that stays with you for a hell of a long time. Never really goes away. Just lingers like a malignant tumor in your soul. Dean smiled as warmly and sincerely as he could manage at the angel that had been his friend for several years, now.
“Gonna do exactly what your deadbeat Dad wants me to do.”
Castiel subconsciously shook his head just barely before speaking again, with a newly frantic edge coloring his deep voice.
“You don’t need to do that, Dean. We’ll find another way out of this.”
Dean took a step towards the angel and chuckled humorously under his breath.
“No other way, Cas. This is Papa Smurf’s plan … and who are we to go against it, huh?”
Sam’s hands were still outstretched and reaching for his older brother.
“What plan? Dean? What are you talking about? What’s going on? I don’t understand.”
Dean took pity on his little brother and stepped into reaching distance. Sam’s hands instantly clutched his flannel shirt and tugged him forward into the younger Winchester’s personal space. Dean reached his own hands up and grabbed Sam’s head tightly with both of them, fingers tangling in his brother’s ridiculously long hair. Holding the taller man’s head still, he brought their faces close so their gazes were forced into each other. The monster sized pout on Sam’s mouth and the frantically shifting eyes meant that even if he didn’t have the exact details of what was about to happen … he got the gist of it. Dean felt his eyebrows draw downwards in concentration, the power humming in his blood was slowly magnifying as the Grace gently continued to cut away Cas’ restraints.
“Sammy. Sammy. I love you, okay. I love you so much.”
Sam started shaking his head within Dean’s grasp, as if it could make Dean stop speaking, and therefore stop what was going on.
“You get out of hunting, okay? Don’t do it anymore. You don’t need to. Go to school, find a girl, and make some babies, okay? We’ve done enough for this fucking world. There’s no need for you to do any more.”
Sam’s hands flew from Dean’s flannel shirt to grip his brother’s face in a mirror copy of the hold Dean had on him.
“Dean. Don’t be stupid. There’s no reason for you to sacrifice yourself over this! We’ll find another way, we’ll-”
“No, Sam. Plans already in motion. There’s nothing that can be done to-”
“GODAMMIT, DEAN! YOU DON’T ALWAYS HAVE TO THROW YOURSELF ON THE SACRIFICIAL FIRE, YOU KNOW!?!”
Dean swiped his thumb across his little brother’s cheek. He wondered if Sam even realized the tears had started breaking free, leaving tracks of moisture down his face. Then again, he wasn’t sure when they had managed to fall from his own eyes, but he could feel them dripping off his chin.
“Sam. Listen. Please listen. This Grace that’s inside me? It’s burning me away, man. It’s … this was never meant to be a permanent addition, you know? There was a very short time limit on this plan that the big cheese forced us into, okay?”
The younger hunter sniffed once, and the hands grasping Dean’s face slackened by a slight margin.
“What … what do you mean?”
Dean licked his lips and took the chance to look over at Castiel to his right. The angel’s face appeared downright stricken, and the acknowledgement of the truth was right there. Up front for everyone to see. Dean turned back to his brother.
“A human body can’t withstand the Grace of God, remember? It’s too much for me to handle. I can … I can feel it, like … like it’s stretching my body to the seams and its just seconds away from bursting, you know? So no matter whether I chose to do something, or just sit here and wait for it … I’ve got maybe a couple hours until I go up like a roman candle. Okay, Sammy? Do you understand?”
Sam just shook his head again and lost the battle with a sob.
“So which would you rather me do, Sammy? Stay here and go BOOM? Take you all with me and accomplish absolutely nothing? Or take this shitty situation and make something of it?”
His little brother just sniffled, and two more tears dropped from his eyes. Dean continued speaking. He was desperate for Sam, and Cas, to understand there was no choice in the matter.
“I don’t want to do this, Sam, but I’ve got no choice. You understand that, right? I wouldn’t leave you again if I could help it, but it just seems like Winchester’s are always fucking destined to abandon each other tragically. It really fucking sucks … but we’ve had a good run of it, right, Sammy? We‘ve accomplished a lot, you know, saved a lot of people. Did a lot of good things. Made Mom and Dad real proud, I bet. And I‘m … I‘m real fucking proud of you, you know?”
FIX IT. FIX IT ALL NOW.
A few more minutes. Please. Just a few more.
Dean’s hands dropped away from Sam’s face, and his brother copied the gesture. Turning his head away from Sam and towards Cas, Dean managed a pathetically watery smile for the angel. He moved a step closer to the other man and met his unflinching gaze. Dean allowed himself a small consolation of moving far into Cas’ personal space, almost in homage to the history they’ve had together.
He clapped his right hand on the angel’s shoulder and squeezed.
“Cas, I’m really sorry. I know you didn’t want it to go down this way. I heard you talking to Balthazar about it, and I know you’re probably really pissed off at me right now for not talking to you about this first… but man, there’s really no other way.”
The angel’s lips had become a thin, hard line but his gaze was still locked with Dean’s own. It hadn’t wavered or weakened once.
“The Grace, Cas … it’s crazy strong, man. You couldn’t hold it back forever. Although I know you were trying really hard …but it was never going to be enough. There has only ever been one outcome here, okay? This isn’t your fault. I don’t blame you. Sam won’t blame you either. This was God’s plan all along, I just get to be his pawn. If you want to blame someone, blame your dumb Dad. Okay? And if you ever get to meet him, kick him in the ass once for me.”
Dean flicked his gaze over to his brother.
“Sammy, don’t abandon Cas, okay? Keep in touch with him, even if it’s just by praying. Keep him grounded. Make sure he doesn’t forget that he’s a member of our family now. Get together… grab a beer and a burger and bitch about missing me and how awesome I was, alright?”
For his part, Sam just looked like he was vibrating in place … about to shake apart and scatter all over the floor. There were little hitching sobs under his breath, and Dean realized he’d forgotten something really fucking important.
“Oh … Sam. Don’t worry about the wall anymore. I took care of it last night.”
Sam’s voice was raspy and quiet.
“Wh- …what?”
Dean grinned and shrugged a shoulder.
“Last night … I … I healed your soul. It’s all better now. One-hundred percent Sam-tastic. Nothing to worry about.”
Sam hiccupped through a harsh sob and squeezed his eyes closed. Dean stepped back over towards his brother and flung his arms around the taller man. Sam returned the hug instantly, burying his face into Dean’s neck, and Dean could barely make out the repeated whispered chants of ‘don’t do this, please don’t do this’ ghosting over his skin. He mumbled his own response with his lips pressed against his little brother’s ear.
“Sorry, Sammy. So sorry, Sammy.”
With a tremendous effort Dean pushed Sam back and away from him. He tilted his head over towards the couch where his leather jacket was draped over the arm.
“Your jacket now, kiddo. You were so jealous when Dad gave it to me in high school, remember? It’s all yours now.”
Sam shook his head once.
“I don’t want the damn jacket, Dean. I want you not to do thi-”
“Oh!! I almost forgot!”
Quickly, Dean fumbled with the simple black cords that he hadn’t removed from his wrist in years. He’d loosened them that morning, so it only took a second to get them off and then he was grabbing Sam’s arm and forcing them over his brother’s fingers and around his wrist. When he was done he patted Sam’s arm once and smiled up at him. For his part, Sam just stared at the new additions to his person while he tucked his trembling bottom lip between his teeth. Dean took the opportunity to step away from his brother and back towards Castiel.
FIX IT!! FIX IT ALL NOW!!
Dean felt one of the strongest of Castiel’s restraints inside him splinter and burst, sending a shockwave of power and pain through his nerves. It tore a gasp from his lips and he pitched forward. He’d expected to fall to his knees, but suddenly there was a solid wall of warmth meeting him chest to chest, and strong arms wrapped around him to hold him steady. He allowed his head to fall forward onto a solid shoulder as he panted through the pain.
Please… please … just a minute more.
His whole body felt like a waking limb, full of pins and needles and marching ants. A small sound of distress bubbled from his mouth and the arms around him clenched tighter by a fraction.
“Dean?”
When he could focus his gaze again, Dean glanced up to find Cas looking at him, the corners of his mouth tilted down in worry. Belatedly, the hunter realized that the angel was basically hugging him close, and Dean’s head was tucked into his neck. His mouth just a hair away from the angel’s warm skin. Oddly, Dean just couldn’t bring himself to pull away from the strength of Cas’ arms.
“S-sorry, Cas.”
The words left his lips on a puff of breath, and Dean could feel the body holding him shiver slightly at their touch. There was a clearing of a throat behind him, and shit … Dean had completely forgotten about Balthazar and the whole fucking situation for just a second. For just a second he’d just allowed his brain to short circuit on the thought that, wow … I really kind of like Cas holding me like this.
Finally, he forced himself to push away from the angel, but dropped his gaze from those searching blue eyes. He flicked his eyes back over to Sammy, and his little brother was glancing between Dean and Castiel with a look of utter heartbreak on his face. Dean swallowed thickly and tore his gaze away to concentrate on his own hands. They were shaking. The shine of his ring almost sparkling with the trembling movements.
Inspiration struck suddenly.
Dean gripped the ring and slowly pulled it off his finger. There was a band of pale skin beneath it that hadn’t seen the light of day in years. Without lifting his head to see the angel’s face, Dean reached out to carefully grip Cas’ wrist and bring his hand forward. The slackened fingers in his grip twitched once as Dean raised the hand slowly, palm up, and placed the ring square in the middle. Then with both his own hands he carefully closed Castiel’s fingers around the small bit of metal.
“Don’t forget me, ‘kay Cas? Don‘t forget yourself, either.”
Fuck. Was that his voice? It was broken and strained and he didn’t even recognize it. There was a sudden mournful keening sound that he didn’t comprehend, and just as he was tilting his head back up to determine the source a strong hand gripped the back of his skull. The next instant he was pulled forward roughly and he found his lips slammed into the warm, slightly chapped lips of the angel before him. Dean felt his eyes widen comically, meeting the blue gaze inches away for a second before he squeezed them closed to break away from that stare.
The hand cradling his skull forced him to cant his head slightly to the side, and then there was a thumb from another hand (still clenched tightly around the ring) on his chin. At the same moment that Dean felt a scalding tongue teasing the seal of his lips, that thumb pushed downward and forced his mouth open. Instantly that tongue just fucking delved in, leaving a trail of heat as it slid across the roof of his mouth.
A strange whimpering noise bubbled up from Dean’s chest, and fuck, time to get with the program. His hands practically slammed against Castiel’s head as his fingers gripped and pulled at the other man’s hair. Pressing his mouth even harder against the angel’s lips, he met that searing tongue move for move, caress for caress. Pushing and pulling and sucking and nibbling and bruising and Goddamn … GODDAMN. Castiel was fucking eating at Dean’s mouth like a starving man, and Dean was totally on board for the feast.
He was also completely out of oxygen.
Dean ripped his mouth away from Castiel’s and fuck … FUCK. The angel was all swollen lips and flushed face and pupils blown wide and panting to catch his breath. Dean could only imagine that he must look the same way. FUCK. FUCK. He didn’t need this right now. He didn’t need this, because he figured this was never going to happen, and now it was making him second guess his decision.
Dean licked his lips and barely kept himself from groaning at the taste of Castiel he found there.
“P-pizza man, huh?”
He hadn’t even realized he was going to say anything until the words were out of his mouth and hanging in the air. Castiel’s gaze was laser locked to Dean’s lips. The angel just nodded mutely to the question and Dean released a breathy chuckle.
“Damn. I take back everything I said about you watching porn, Cas.”
There was a God-awful rip of pain from deep inside his chest and a high whine of agony burst out of him. The Grace had lost all it’s patience. Dean’s knees buckled and he fell into Cas once again. This time Dean wrapped his arms tightly around the angel’s neck to help support himself. He gently leaned his forehead against Cas’ own and panted against the slightly shorter man’s lips.
“Gotta go, Cas. I gotta go.”
The head pressed against his shook twice in denial, but before the angel could speak Dean pressed his lips again firmly to Castiel’s.
“Gotta go.”
Dean tried to pull away, but Cas made an insanely hot little whimpering noise under his breath and brought their lips back together once again.
“Dean.”
One more kiss, and this time Dean sucked Castiel’s bottom lip into his mouth for just a second before releasing it, nibbling on the flesh as it went.
“Cas. I have to go … or I’m going to end up taking you all down with me.”
Castiel squeezed his eyes closed and finally nodded his head just once. Dean stepped back on weak legs and immediately felt like he was splitting something inside him apart. He could feel his chin wibbling beyond his control. There was a sniffle to his left, and he turned to look at Sam one final time. His brother’s face was crumpled in loss and regret, and Dean instinctively knew that it wasn’t all just for himself losing his big brother. It was also for Castiel and Dean. Who had just found something together, but had to rip it apart right after it’s discovery.
“Bye, Sammy. Love you.”
Sam nodded once, but apparently couldn’t bring himself to speak. Dean didn’t need to hear the words, though, he knew Sam loved him. He turned back to Castiel, and fuck if the angel didn’t look just as broken as Dean felt.
“Bye, Cas …………… love you.”
The angel’s shoulders hitched upwards once, and even from a couple feet away Dean could tell Cas was shaking. Dean felt his own legs growing weaker in sympathy. A warm presence moved into his side, and Balthazar was gently clutching Dean’s elbow and supporting him. When Balthazar spoke it was almost a shock to Dean’s system. He felt like he hadn’t heard the other man’s voice in days.
“I’m … I’m sorry, Cassie … truly.”
Castiel didn’t turn to face the other angel, though; he just kept his gaze steady on Dean. Dean kept shifting his own gaze back and forth between Sammy and Cas. Attempting to soak up everything they were deep inside himself these last couple seconds.
NOW.
A cry of pain broke past his lips. He was on fucking fire. His bones. His nerves. His muscles. They were burning him from the inside out. A white mist was quickly forming in his vision, softening the deep wooden hues of the cabin. He heard Sam and Cas scream his name in stereo, but the world was suddenly shifting and the walls of the cabin, and the two people before him were gone. Lost to him.
The next thing Dean knew he was standing in a wide open space of nothingness. Balthazar was still clutching his elbow, but was glancing around them frantically.
“They’re sure to have felt you as soon as we arrived. They’ll all be here soon.”
Dean nodded and struggled to stand upright on his own.
“Get out of here, Balthazar.”
The angel’s head snapped around to stare intently at Dean, who chuckled without humor.
“Like you ever planned to do anything but abandon me as soon as the fighting started. Don’t worry. It’s cool. Get back to the others where it’s safe. Once I go supernova it’s not going to matter if the angel standing next to me is friend or foe.”
Balthazar nodded once and stepped away. He seemed about to flick out of existence, but then paused and tilted his head in such a Cas-like manner that Dean felt a sob break away from this throat.
“I am sorry it had to be this way, Dean.”
Dean nodded but didn’t answer. The little moth was starting to go crazy beneath his breastbone, and he could feel them coming. Hundreds and hundreds of them.
“Hurry up, you pompous ass, they’re almost here.”
Balthazar grinned at little at his words.
“Bye then, love ………….. and thank you.”
Then he was gone, and not two seconds later there were angels popping up around Dean in an alarming rate. Just blinking into existence everywhere. Dozens at a time. Multiplying outwards and outwards until there was just an ocean of bodies as far as Dean could see.
“Dean Winchester.”
Raphael’s grating voice came from directly behind him. Dean slowly turned his head until he was staring over his shoulder at the stern looking woman at his back. He mustered his cockiest grin.
“Hey, bitch. You here to play?”
Raphael sneered and took a step forward. Immediately Dean used the Grace inside him to snap the last of Castiel’s barriers. White hot pain and heat blinded him, and the scream that ripped out his throat echoed in the nothingness around him.
Then there was nothing.
Nothing at all.
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~~~CASTIEL~~~
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Castiel hadn’t even realized that he was still paralyzed from the waist down, until the force holding him there was gone. Even then, he only noticed because he immediately crumpled to his knees on the floor. The resounding crash beside him obviously meant that Sam Winchester had followed him down. Though their freedom of movement had been regained, both men remained where they were. Castiel wasn’t sure what was keeping Sam from moving, but as for himself, he was simply too weak in the knees.
He was frantically trying to reach out to his own Grace that had been nestled inside of Dean Winchester from the moment he gripped the man tight and raised him from perdition. He could feel it. Just barely, but it was there. He tugged and pulled to no avail. Dean was unreachable to him. The past two days of straining to keep the Grace of God manageable for Dean had weakened Castiel greatly. The only way he would be able to leave this cabin right now was through the front door.
Absently, Cas sucked his bottom lip between his teeth and ran his tongue across the surface. There was an explosion of taste that was so Dean, that a broken little noise left his throat unbidden. The painful sound was echoed beside him, and a moment later a heavy weight was on his shoulder. Turning his head towards the warmth revealed Sam resting his forehead against Castiel. The younger man’s large frame was obviously being wracked with sobs, but there were no accompanying noises in the room. Sam was desperately trying to keep his grief silent.
Castiel clenched his hands subconsciously, and was surprised to feel something dig into his palm. He opened his fist slowly to reveal the metal band digging into his soft flesh. Carefully, as if it was the most fragile of materials, Cas picked the ring up with his fingers and watched the surface catch the rays of the sun from the kitchen window.
“That was one of his favorite things, you know. He never took it off.”
Sam’s voice was raspy and pained. Castiel didn’t turn to look at him.
“You should have this, Sam.”
There was a movement against his shoulder as the younger man shook his head in denial.
“He gave it to you because he wanted you to have it, Cas.”
Without even understanding why he did so, Castiel slowly slipped the band of metal over the thumb of his left hand. It fit perfectly. He stared at it for a moment before dropping his hands lifelessly into his lap. He had failed. He had failed to stop Lucifer from rising. He had failed to stop the Apocalypse. He had failed at so many things. This failure, though, this failure could break him.
Dean.
Dean.
Dean.
There had always been an undercurrent of something between the angel and the human he had raised from the dead, but Castiel had always put it down to feeling bonded to the man because of his Grace threaded tightly within him. When Dean had been infused with the Grace of God, and became aware of Castiel’s Grace, suddenly things were different. Suddenly, it had nothing to do with Grace at all, but with a deeper connection.
All the things they had done, and said, and accomplished together. Castiel was fairly certain he had seen Dean Winchester at his lowest on more than one occasion, and at his best more often than that. He is also sure that Dean could probably say the same for Castiel. It was a … a companionship like none the angel had ever experienced with any of this brothers. It was a friendship. A real friendship, that had left Cas giddy at the thought a couple years ago when he had recognized it for what it was.
He had loved using that word, afterwards, in regards to Dean at every opportunity. Had always eagerly told his brothers and sisters ’I must go help my friend. I need to save my friend,‘ as if he was daring them to argue the term. As time had passed the word began to lose its luster. It didn’t feel right after a while. It wasn’t … enough. It didn’t accurately express what he wanted it to say. There should have been something more in it’s meaning, but he couldn’t grasp what it was.
Not until last night. Not until Dean had used that Grace to reach out and touch the very essence of Castiel’s soul. Then he realized what troubled him about the word ‘friend’ in relation to Dean Winchester. Because then he realized that he didn’t want to be Dean’s ‘friend’. Father help him, he wanted to be Dean’s everything. He wanted to be his lover, his confidant, his whore. He didn’t even care. Castiel just wanted to burrow deep inside Dean’s soul and make a home for himself there.
Then Dean had been telling him goodbye. Going off to sacrifice himself and telling Castiel goodbye, and Cas had just snapped. He had taken what he’d wanted and had been so overcome with joy when Dean had responded in kind. But it hadn’t changed anything. Not really. Because even with the knowledge of what they both wanted now out in the open, Dean had still left. Had still left Castiel behind.
He wasn’t … he wasn’t sure how to handle that.
*SNAP*
Three things happened simultaneously.
First, the tenuous connection Castiel still had with Dean was violently and viscously severed and left him reeling in pain and shock. Second, Balthazar came crashing down from nowhere to land prone on the floor. He was roughed up and singed, but relatively unharmed.
Third … Dean Winchester vanished from every plane of existence.
Castiel didn’t even realize the despondent keening wail echoing through the cabin was ripped from his own throat until he was being gathered up in Balthazar’s arms, and Sam Winchester was screaming his anger and grief to the world at large beside him.
It was all over.
PART EIGHT
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PART SEVEN
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~~~DEAN~~~
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All in all it was a pretty damn fine last day. The burgers were good, the company was awesome, and the pie was fucking fantastic. Just being able to have one day of peace and enjoy being around Sammy and Castiel, and begrudgingly Balthazar, had lightened the heavy pressure in Dean’s chest. He would have liked to have seen Bobby once more, but the old hunter was far too perceptive and would have given everything away in about two seconds.
He had indulged himself with the poker game, truth be told. Just wanted to have some sort of excuse to sit close to Cas and maybe try and figure out if this crazy attraction thing was all in his head. Or all in the mind of a silly little moth made up of the Grace of God. The warmth of the angel against him, and the way that Cas would give a sharp little inhale whenever Dean whispered tips into his ear, had proven beyond a doubt that there was actually something there. It wasn’t some crazy side effect of the Grace within him. There was an honest to … to shit … chemical reaction going on. Dean Winchester was crushing on an angel. An angel who, though usually sexless, was currently embodying the form of a dude.
A dude. Guy. Man. Fella. Person currently in possession of a penis.
This was all very new to Dean. Well, obviously penises themselves were not new to Dean. He and his own penis had a very close and loving affiliation. It was the whole possibility of being involved in a sexual relationship wherein two penises may be participants that kind of made his higher brain functions scream like a girl and dive off of the boat.
Maybe it was a good thing that he wasn’t going to be around long enough to try it out. Because chances were he would just fuck it all up beyond repair and Castiel would hate him for eternity. Or possibly just smite his fabulously adorable ass into oblivion.
Better for all around, really.
Dean really felt bad for Sammy, though, the poor kid. It was obvious that his younger brother knew that something was going on; he’d been damn near brooding the entire day. In all fairness, Sam knew Dean just as well as Dean knew Sam, so … Sammy could probably tell first thing this morning that something he wouldn’t like was about to go down. If there was any other way to settle this whole mess, Dean would jump at it. He just had to convince Sam of that as well. Because for shit’s sake, was there a translation of the name Winchester somewhere in the old language that directly correlated to ‘sucker who will happily sacrifice for the greater good’? He’s pretty sure it has to be out there.
A movement caught Dean’s eye and he shifted his gaze to Castiel. The angel was rhythmically clenching and releasing the long fingers of his hands into fists. Dean couldn’t tell if Cas even realized he was doing it, his eyes were too focused on somewhere in the middle of Dean’s chest. The look on his face was dubious, though, caught somewhere between astoundingly pissed off and ‘boo hoo the mailman just kicked my puppy‘.
Which meant that Cas knew something was up, too, and thus apparently Dean was really incapable of hiding shit from these two people. Well, fuck. At least they had gone along with his silly requests for the day. Played to his whims. Probably all the while both of them thinking, independently, of how they were going to stop Dean Winchester from doing whatever stupid self-flagellating thing he was about to do today.
Damn. Big word there. Sammy woulda been proud.
Balthazar made a sudden noise under his breath that was somewhere between a cough, a sigh, and a ‘fuck off and die already you pitifully weak piece of shit human being.’ Which meant time was up. Dean Winchester this has been your life and its fucking over now. Please be the badass mother fucker that we all know you are and save the planet? Why yes, ma’am, I do believe I will. Please make sure my memorial statue has an extra large fig leaf and the words ‘suck it, bitches’ carved into my bare ass. Thanks.
Dean rolled his neck slowly once, his shoulders slowly twice, and carefully started snipping away at the bits of Castiel’s Grace that were holding him in check.
Fix it? Fix it now?
Yeah, Mothra, baby. Time to get your game face on. We’re about to fix it all.
There was an excited squeak of noise from the Grace inside him, and then he felt it building up its strength in downright terrifying magnitude. Castiel’s safe guards all started to melt slowly away. Dean could feel power humming in his veins, but he begged for a couple moments to say goodbye before he lost his own consciousness to the intensity. The Grace seemed to understand his request and muted the energy back a bit. Dean sighed deeply and slowly pulled himself to his feet.
He supposed it was a testament to Sam and Castiel’s affection for him that they both surged forward the moment he rose, as if to stop him. Dean pulled some power from the Grace and halted them both in their tracks. He wasn’t really sure how he did it exactly, he just kind of imagined that they were both stuck in cement from the waist down, and just that quickly they both skidded to a stop.
If he had been in the mood for humor, the looks on the two men’s faces would have been hysterical, but as it was Dean just felt like a giant douche bag. Sammy was struggling to move his feet forward and growing more visibly panicked by the second. Castiel, though, was simply standing there frozen and staring at Dean intently. For his part, Dean smiled sheepishly back at the angel.
“Sorry, guys. I’m really fucking sorry.”
His words made Sam forget about his paralyzed lower body and try to grab for Dean. There was a look of hurt betrayal on his younger brother’s face that made Dean want to stab himself in the eye.
“Dean. Whatever you’re thinking of. Don’t do it.”
Sam’s voice caught a bit in the middle, and fuck if Dean couldn’t feel the tears start to well up in his own eyes.
“Sorry, Sammy. Got a plan. Got something I have to do.”
“Dean. What exactly are you planning on doing?”
Castiel’s voice had been stern and bitter, but laced with such a heavy sense potential loss, that Dean felt his gut clench in sympathy. It always sucked so much to be on that side of sacrifice. Sacrificing yourself was pretty easy, oddly enough, but having someone you love sacrifice themselves for you. Damn. That’s a pain that stays with you for a hell of a long time. Never really goes away. Just lingers like a malignant tumor in your soul. Dean smiled as warmly and sincerely as he could manage at the angel that had been his friend for several years, now.
“Gonna do exactly what your deadbeat Dad wants me to do.”
Castiel subconsciously shook his head just barely before speaking again, with a newly frantic edge coloring his deep voice.
“You don’t need to do that, Dean. We’ll find another way out of this.”
Dean took a step towards the angel and chuckled humorously under his breath.
“No other way, Cas. This is Papa Smurf’s plan … and who are we to go against it, huh?”
Sam’s hands were still outstretched and reaching for his older brother.
“What plan? Dean? What are you talking about? What’s going on? I don’t understand.”
Dean took pity on his little brother and stepped into reaching distance. Sam’s hands instantly clutched his flannel shirt and tugged him forward into the younger Winchester’s personal space. Dean reached his own hands up and grabbed Sam’s head tightly with both of them, fingers tangling in his brother’s ridiculously long hair. Holding the taller man’s head still, he brought their faces close so their gazes were forced into each other. The monster sized pout on Sam’s mouth and the frantically shifting eyes meant that even if he didn’t have the exact details of what was about to happen … he got the gist of it. Dean felt his eyebrows draw downwards in concentration, the power humming in his blood was slowly magnifying as the Grace gently continued to cut away Cas’ restraints.
“Sammy. Sammy. I love you, okay. I love you so much.”
Sam started shaking his head within Dean’s grasp, as if it could make Dean stop speaking, and therefore stop what was going on.
“You get out of hunting, okay? Don’t do it anymore. You don’t need to. Go to school, find a girl, and make some babies, okay? We’ve done enough for this fucking world. There’s no need for you to do any more.”
Sam’s hands flew from Dean’s flannel shirt to grip his brother’s face in a mirror copy of the hold Dean had on him.
“Dean. Don’t be stupid. There’s no reason for you to sacrifice yourself over this! We’ll find another way, we’ll-”
“No, Sam. Plans already in motion. There’s nothing that can be done to-”
“GODAMMIT, DEAN! YOU DON’T ALWAYS HAVE TO THROW YOURSELF ON THE SACRIFICIAL FIRE, YOU KNOW!?!”
Dean swiped his thumb across his little brother’s cheek. He wondered if Sam even realized the tears had started breaking free, leaving tracks of moisture down his face. Then again, he wasn’t sure when they had managed to fall from his own eyes, but he could feel them dripping off his chin.
“Sam. Listen. Please listen. This Grace that’s inside me? It’s burning me away, man. It’s … this was never meant to be a permanent addition, you know? There was a very short time limit on this plan that the big cheese forced us into, okay?”
The younger hunter sniffed once, and the hands grasping Dean’s face slackened by a slight margin.
“What … what do you mean?”
Dean licked his lips and took the chance to look over at Castiel to his right. The angel’s face appeared downright stricken, and the acknowledgement of the truth was right there. Up front for everyone to see. Dean turned back to his brother.
“A human body can’t withstand the Grace of God, remember? It’s too much for me to handle. I can … I can feel it, like … like it’s stretching my body to the seams and its just seconds away from bursting, you know? So no matter whether I chose to do something, or just sit here and wait for it … I’ve got maybe a couple hours until I go up like a roman candle. Okay, Sammy? Do you understand?”
Sam just shook his head again and lost the battle with a sob.
“So which would you rather me do, Sammy? Stay here and go BOOM? Take you all with me and accomplish absolutely nothing? Or take this shitty situation and make something of it?”
His little brother just sniffled, and two more tears dropped from his eyes. Dean continued speaking. He was desperate for Sam, and Cas, to understand there was no choice in the matter.
“I don’t want to do this, Sam, but I’ve got no choice. You understand that, right? I wouldn’t leave you again if I could help it, but it just seems like Winchester’s are always fucking destined to abandon each other tragically. It really fucking sucks … but we’ve had a good run of it, right, Sammy? We‘ve accomplished a lot, you know, saved a lot of people. Did a lot of good things. Made Mom and Dad real proud, I bet. And I‘m … I‘m real fucking proud of you, you know?”
FIX IT. FIX IT ALL NOW.
A few more minutes. Please. Just a few more.
Dean’s hands dropped away from Sam’s face, and his brother copied the gesture. Turning his head away from Sam and towards Cas, Dean managed a pathetically watery smile for the angel. He moved a step closer to the other man and met his unflinching gaze. Dean allowed himself a small consolation of moving far into Cas’ personal space, almost in homage to the history they’ve had together.
He clapped his right hand on the angel’s shoulder and squeezed.
“Cas, I’m really sorry. I know you didn’t want it to go down this way. I heard you talking to Balthazar about it, and I know you’re probably really pissed off at me right now for not talking to you about this first… but man, there’s really no other way.”
The angel’s lips had become a thin, hard line but his gaze was still locked with Dean’s own. It hadn’t wavered or weakened once.
“The Grace, Cas … it’s crazy strong, man. You couldn’t hold it back forever. Although I know you were trying really hard …but it was never going to be enough. There has only ever been one outcome here, okay? This isn’t your fault. I don’t blame you. Sam won’t blame you either. This was God’s plan all along, I just get to be his pawn. If you want to blame someone, blame your dumb Dad. Okay? And if you ever get to meet him, kick him in the ass once for me.”
Dean flicked his gaze over to his brother.
“Sammy, don’t abandon Cas, okay? Keep in touch with him, even if it’s just by praying. Keep him grounded. Make sure he doesn’t forget that he’s a member of our family now. Get together… grab a beer and a burger and bitch about missing me and how awesome I was, alright?”
For his part, Sam just looked like he was vibrating in place … about to shake apart and scatter all over the floor. There were little hitching sobs under his breath, and Dean realized he’d forgotten something really fucking important.
“Oh … Sam. Don’t worry about the wall anymore. I took care of it last night.”
Sam’s voice was raspy and quiet.
“Wh- …what?”
Dean grinned and shrugged a shoulder.
“Last night … I … I healed your soul. It’s all better now. One-hundred percent Sam-tastic. Nothing to worry about.”
Sam hiccupped through a harsh sob and squeezed his eyes closed. Dean stepped back over towards his brother and flung his arms around the taller man. Sam returned the hug instantly, burying his face into Dean’s neck, and Dean could barely make out the repeated whispered chants of ‘don’t do this, please don’t do this’ ghosting over his skin. He mumbled his own response with his lips pressed against his little brother’s ear.
“Sorry, Sammy. So sorry, Sammy.”
With a tremendous effort Dean pushed Sam back and away from him. He tilted his head over towards the couch where his leather jacket was draped over the arm.
“Your jacket now, kiddo. You were so jealous when Dad gave it to me in high school, remember? It’s all yours now.”
Sam shook his head once.
“I don’t want the damn jacket, Dean. I want you not to do thi-”
“Oh!! I almost forgot!”
Quickly, Dean fumbled with the simple black cords that he hadn’t removed from his wrist in years. He’d loosened them that morning, so it only took a second to get them off and then he was grabbing Sam’s arm and forcing them over his brother’s fingers and around his wrist. When he was done he patted Sam’s arm once and smiled up at him. For his part, Sam just stared at the new additions to his person while he tucked his trembling bottom lip between his teeth. Dean took the opportunity to step away from his brother and back towards Castiel.
FIX IT!! FIX IT ALL NOW!!
Dean felt one of the strongest of Castiel’s restraints inside him splinter and burst, sending a shockwave of power and pain through his nerves. It tore a gasp from his lips and he pitched forward. He’d expected to fall to his knees, but suddenly there was a solid wall of warmth meeting him chest to chest, and strong arms wrapped around him to hold him steady. He allowed his head to fall forward onto a solid shoulder as he panted through the pain.
Please… please … just a minute more.
His whole body felt like a waking limb, full of pins and needles and marching ants. A small sound of distress bubbled from his mouth and the arms around him clenched tighter by a fraction.
“Dean?”
When he could focus his gaze again, Dean glanced up to find Cas looking at him, the corners of his mouth tilted down in worry. Belatedly, the hunter realized that the angel was basically hugging him close, and Dean’s head was tucked into his neck. His mouth just a hair away from the angel’s warm skin. Oddly, Dean just couldn’t bring himself to pull away from the strength of Cas’ arms.
“S-sorry, Cas.”
The words left his lips on a puff of breath, and Dean could feel the body holding him shiver slightly at their touch. There was a clearing of a throat behind him, and shit … Dean had completely forgotten about Balthazar and the whole fucking situation for just a second. For just a second he’d just allowed his brain to short circuit on the thought that, wow … I really kind of like Cas holding me like this.
Finally, he forced himself to push away from the angel, but dropped his gaze from those searching blue eyes. He flicked his eyes back over to Sammy, and his little brother was glancing between Dean and Castiel with a look of utter heartbreak on his face. Dean swallowed thickly and tore his gaze away to concentrate on his own hands. They were shaking. The shine of his ring almost sparkling with the trembling movements.
Inspiration struck suddenly.
Dean gripped the ring and slowly pulled it off his finger. There was a band of pale skin beneath it that hadn’t seen the light of day in years. Without lifting his head to see the angel’s face, Dean reached out to carefully grip Cas’ wrist and bring his hand forward. The slackened fingers in his grip twitched once as Dean raised the hand slowly, palm up, and placed the ring square in the middle. Then with both his own hands he carefully closed Castiel’s fingers around the small bit of metal.
“Don’t forget me, ‘kay Cas? Don‘t forget yourself, either.”
Fuck. Was that his voice? It was broken and strained and he didn’t even recognize it. There was a sudden mournful keening sound that he didn’t comprehend, and just as he was tilting his head back up to determine the source a strong hand gripped the back of his skull. The next instant he was pulled forward roughly and he found his lips slammed into the warm, slightly chapped lips of the angel before him. Dean felt his eyes widen comically, meeting the blue gaze inches away for a second before he squeezed them closed to break away from that stare.
The hand cradling his skull forced him to cant his head slightly to the side, and then there was a thumb from another hand (still clenched tightly around the ring) on his chin. At the same moment that Dean felt a scalding tongue teasing the seal of his lips, that thumb pushed downward and forced his mouth open. Instantly that tongue just fucking delved in, leaving a trail of heat as it slid across the roof of his mouth.
A strange whimpering noise bubbled up from Dean’s chest, and fuck, time to get with the program. His hands practically slammed against Castiel’s head as his fingers gripped and pulled at the other man’s hair. Pressing his mouth even harder against the angel’s lips, he met that searing tongue move for move, caress for caress. Pushing and pulling and sucking and nibbling and bruising and Goddamn … GODDAMN. Castiel was fucking eating at Dean’s mouth like a starving man, and Dean was totally on board for the feast.
He was also completely out of oxygen.
Dean ripped his mouth away from Castiel’s and fuck … FUCK. The angel was all swollen lips and flushed face and pupils blown wide and panting to catch his breath. Dean could only imagine that he must look the same way. FUCK. FUCK. He didn’t need this right now. He didn’t need this, because he figured this was never going to happen, and now it was making him second guess his decision.
Dean licked his lips and barely kept himself from groaning at the taste of Castiel he found there.
“P-pizza man, huh?”
He hadn’t even realized he was going to say anything until the words were out of his mouth and hanging in the air. Castiel’s gaze was laser locked to Dean’s lips. The angel just nodded mutely to the question and Dean released a breathy chuckle.
“Damn. I take back everything I said about you watching porn, Cas.”
There was a God-awful rip of pain from deep inside his chest and a high whine of agony burst out of him. The Grace had lost all it’s patience. Dean’s knees buckled and he fell into Cas once again. This time Dean wrapped his arms tightly around the angel’s neck to help support himself. He gently leaned his forehead against Cas’ own and panted against the slightly shorter man’s lips.
“Gotta go, Cas. I gotta go.”
The head pressed against his shook twice in denial, but before the angel could speak Dean pressed his lips again firmly to Castiel’s.
“Gotta go.”
Dean tried to pull away, but Cas made an insanely hot little whimpering noise under his breath and brought their lips back together once again.
“Dean.”
One more kiss, and this time Dean sucked Castiel’s bottom lip into his mouth for just a second before releasing it, nibbling on the flesh as it went.
“Cas. I have to go … or I’m going to end up taking you all down with me.”
Castiel squeezed his eyes closed and finally nodded his head just once. Dean stepped back on weak legs and immediately felt like he was splitting something inside him apart. He could feel his chin wibbling beyond his control. There was a sniffle to his left, and he turned to look at Sam one final time. His brother’s face was crumpled in loss and regret, and Dean instinctively knew that it wasn’t all just for himself losing his big brother. It was also for Castiel and Dean. Who had just found something together, but had to rip it apart right after it’s discovery.
“Bye, Sammy. Love you.”
Sam nodded once, but apparently couldn’t bring himself to speak. Dean didn’t need to hear the words, though, he knew Sam loved him. He turned back to Castiel, and fuck if the angel didn’t look just as broken as Dean felt.
“Bye, Cas …………… love you.”
The angel’s shoulders hitched upwards once, and even from a couple feet away Dean could tell Cas was shaking. Dean felt his own legs growing weaker in sympathy. A warm presence moved into his side, and Balthazar was gently clutching Dean’s elbow and supporting him. When Balthazar spoke it was almost a shock to Dean’s system. He felt like he hadn’t heard the other man’s voice in days.
“I’m … I’m sorry, Cassie … truly.”
Castiel didn’t turn to face the other angel, though; he just kept his gaze steady on Dean. Dean kept shifting his own gaze back and forth between Sammy and Cas. Attempting to soak up everything they were deep inside himself these last couple seconds.
NOW.
A cry of pain broke past his lips. He was on fucking fire. His bones. His nerves. His muscles. They were burning him from the inside out. A white mist was quickly forming in his vision, softening the deep wooden hues of the cabin. He heard Sam and Cas scream his name in stereo, but the world was suddenly shifting and the walls of the cabin, and the two people before him were gone. Lost to him.
The next thing Dean knew he was standing in a wide open space of nothingness. Balthazar was still clutching his elbow, but was glancing around them frantically.
“They’re sure to have felt you as soon as we arrived. They’ll all be here soon.”
Dean nodded and struggled to stand upright on his own.
“Get out of here, Balthazar.”
The angel’s head snapped around to stare intently at Dean, who chuckled without humor.
“Like you ever planned to do anything but abandon me as soon as the fighting started. Don’t worry. It’s cool. Get back to the others where it’s safe. Once I go supernova it’s not going to matter if the angel standing next to me is friend or foe.”
Balthazar nodded once and stepped away. He seemed about to flick out of existence, but then paused and tilted his head in such a Cas-like manner that Dean felt a sob break away from this throat.
“I am sorry it had to be this way, Dean.”
Dean nodded but didn’t answer. The little moth was starting to go crazy beneath his breastbone, and he could feel them coming. Hundreds and hundreds of them.
“Hurry up, you pompous ass, they’re almost here.”
Balthazar grinned at little at his words.
“Bye then, love ………….. and thank you.”
Then he was gone, and not two seconds later there were angels popping up around Dean in an alarming rate. Just blinking into existence everywhere. Dozens at a time. Multiplying outwards and outwards until there was just an ocean of bodies as far as Dean could see.
“Dean Winchester.”
Raphael’s grating voice came from directly behind him. Dean slowly turned his head until he was staring over his shoulder at the stern looking woman at his back. He mustered his cockiest grin.
“Hey, bitch. You here to play?”
Raphael sneered and took a step forward. Immediately Dean used the Grace inside him to snap the last of Castiel’s barriers. White hot pain and heat blinded him, and the scream that ripped out his throat echoed in the nothingness around him.
Then there was nothing.
Nothing at all.
**********************
~~~CASTIEL~~~
**********************
Castiel hadn’t even realized that he was still paralyzed from the waist down, until the force holding him there was gone. Even then, he only noticed because he immediately crumpled to his knees on the floor. The resounding crash beside him obviously meant that Sam Winchester had followed him down. Though their freedom of movement had been regained, both men remained where they were. Castiel wasn’t sure what was keeping Sam from moving, but as for himself, he was simply too weak in the knees.
He was frantically trying to reach out to his own Grace that had been nestled inside of Dean Winchester from the moment he gripped the man tight and raised him from perdition. He could feel it. Just barely, but it was there. He tugged and pulled to no avail. Dean was unreachable to him. The past two days of straining to keep the Grace of God manageable for Dean had weakened Castiel greatly. The only way he would be able to leave this cabin right now was through the front door.
Absently, Cas sucked his bottom lip between his teeth and ran his tongue across the surface. There was an explosion of taste that was so Dean, that a broken little noise left his throat unbidden. The painful sound was echoed beside him, and a moment later a heavy weight was on his shoulder. Turning his head towards the warmth revealed Sam resting his forehead against Castiel. The younger man’s large frame was obviously being wracked with sobs, but there were no accompanying noises in the room. Sam was desperately trying to keep his grief silent.
Castiel clenched his hands subconsciously, and was surprised to feel something dig into his palm. He opened his fist slowly to reveal the metal band digging into his soft flesh. Carefully, as if it was the most fragile of materials, Cas picked the ring up with his fingers and watched the surface catch the rays of the sun from the kitchen window.
“That was one of his favorite things, you know. He never took it off.”
Sam’s voice was raspy and pained. Castiel didn’t turn to look at him.
“You should have this, Sam.”
There was a movement against his shoulder as the younger man shook his head in denial.
“He gave it to you because he wanted you to have it, Cas.”
Without even understanding why he did so, Castiel slowly slipped the band of metal over the thumb of his left hand. It fit perfectly. He stared at it for a moment before dropping his hands lifelessly into his lap. He had failed. He had failed to stop Lucifer from rising. He had failed to stop the Apocalypse. He had failed at so many things. This failure, though, this failure could break him.
Dean.
Dean.
Dean.
There had always been an undercurrent of something between the angel and the human he had raised from the dead, but Castiel had always put it down to feeling bonded to the man because of his Grace threaded tightly within him. When Dean had been infused with the Grace of God, and became aware of Castiel’s Grace, suddenly things were different. Suddenly, it had nothing to do with Grace at all, but with a deeper connection.
All the things they had done, and said, and accomplished together. Castiel was fairly certain he had seen Dean Winchester at his lowest on more than one occasion, and at his best more often than that. He is also sure that Dean could probably say the same for Castiel. It was a … a companionship like none the angel had ever experienced with any of this brothers. It was a friendship. A real friendship, that had left Cas giddy at the thought a couple years ago when he had recognized it for what it was.
He had loved using that word, afterwards, in regards to Dean at every opportunity. Had always eagerly told his brothers and sisters ’I must go help my friend. I need to save my friend,‘ as if he was daring them to argue the term. As time had passed the word began to lose its luster. It didn’t feel right after a while. It wasn’t … enough. It didn’t accurately express what he wanted it to say. There should have been something more in it’s meaning, but he couldn’t grasp what it was.
Not until last night. Not until Dean had used that Grace to reach out and touch the very essence of Castiel’s soul. Then he realized what troubled him about the word ‘friend’ in relation to Dean Winchester. Because then he realized that he didn’t want to be Dean’s ‘friend’. Father help him, he wanted to be Dean’s everything. He wanted to be his lover, his confidant, his whore. He didn’t even care. Castiel just wanted to burrow deep inside Dean’s soul and make a home for himself there.
Then Dean had been telling him goodbye. Going off to sacrifice himself and telling Castiel goodbye, and Cas had just snapped. He had taken what he’d wanted and had been so overcome with joy when Dean had responded in kind. But it hadn’t changed anything. Not really. Because even with the knowledge of what they both wanted now out in the open, Dean had still left. Had still left Castiel behind.
He wasn’t … he wasn’t sure how to handle that.
*SNAP*
Three things happened simultaneously.
First, the tenuous connection Castiel still had with Dean was violently and viscously severed and left him reeling in pain and shock. Second, Balthazar came crashing down from nowhere to land prone on the floor. He was roughed up and singed, but relatively unharmed.
Third … Dean Winchester vanished from every plane of existence.
Castiel didn’t even realize the despondent keening wail echoing through the cabin was ripped from his own throat until he was being gathered up in Balthazar’s arms, and Sam Winchester was screaming his anger and grief to the world at large beside him.
It was all over.
PART EIGHT