I am a binting little bint
I'm wearing my mommy's skirt from the 80s and my new pink tweed mary jane patent heels and my semi-new polka dot cap sleeve shirt with my semi-new formal pea coat over it. and panty hose. and a tank top that's pink. light pink. and the nails on my left hand are bright green marble with a pink heart on the index finger. I keep staring at my breasts. Like I look down and THERE THEY ARE and I'm reminded that I shouldn't wear low cut shirts.
And I love heels. They make me feel okay.
And really I'm a total wimp. I'm insecure and freakishly emotional. I need people and I need many things and I hate that. I need forgiveness and I need reassurance.
I almost cried when people in my Russian class asked me to travel with them on the Russian trip.
Then I changed the subject when Megan said I looked cute. I walked away when Sarah complimented me.
When Nicole emailed me, I squeaked.
I tried to sob quietly on the phone with Gordon last night, hoping desperately that he didnt know how hard was i crying. I don't know why.
I have taken my meds. I've been better with that, and yes, primarily because you reminded me of their importance.
Lounged with Merri on Sunday, and cried when I got into my car because I realized I wouldn't see her for a while and she might be hurt on a plane.
I cried when I was carded trying to pay for gas. I got a 10% off coupon since the manager saw. I guess being INSANE has it's benefits sometimes, especially if it means 10% off my next gas purchase.
I bitched out AAron this morning because he parked in my spot, cuz his mom convinced him not to wait the 3 minutes it took for me to get out of my house and up the street. Then I felt like crying because Annie saw me do it, and I was afraid they'd make fun of me or say something mean when I walked away.
I afraid of going to psych class because mr. kelly isn't friendly.
i want to see gordon.
so much.
so much.
i want to get into college and sleep a lot.
i want to see gordon.
9 days, though.
the russian essay contest is wednesday.
i cannot miss gov and i cannot miss the counselor meeting.
i have to sign up for 8th period. i miss meredith sachs. i need to prepare my scholarship file. i need to do laundry and clean my room and mail my letters and call my brother. i need to email my grammy and paint my toes and do my math hw and wash my hair. i need to get over myself and stop crying. i need to find nicole and stop crying. i need to stop complaining and do something.
so i sang in front of marcos and his dad and nicole unknowingly. i thought they were outside, and then marcos turns to me and says "ever consider a career in singing?" and nicole says "she wasn't even trying either. that's how amazing she is." and you know what i did.
I sneezed and then pretended my tears were allergy induced.
Gross.