#random
The longer I stay here, the more insecure I become. After reading Jo's post, I'm seeing myself in a new light. It's not stress, it's not depression; it's all of them. Add extreme insecurities, lack of self-esteem, and they all snowballs into one big shit of failure. I'm lacking everything that I should have to toughen myself out in this world, and I should start changing that. I've been distancing myself from a lot of people, that's why I'm shadowing Twitter and deactivated my Facebook. I don't think anyone loves me, except my family, because I'm not making it any easy anyway for it to happen. Right now even, the crowd's having a hangout right outside my room, having fun with the company and good food, and here I am shutting myself in my room and trying to ignore the fact that I'm shunning them away. I don't exactly know what kind of person I am, but I do know that I'm super annoying to begin with, and that just makes me hate myself more. Everything feels so wrong, and I don't want to have to deal with it, not right now. I guess running away is my second nature now, despite me knowing that it's not the right way to go. I want to just fade out and disappear, and knowing that I can't makes it harder to swallow, like a dream that will never come true. My heart just hurts every time I think about anything; my family, my friends, my studies, my hopes and dreams- they all make me question whether I'm doing the right thing. I guess this is the beauty of travelling and vacation- I get to forget all about my stupid thoughts, and I'm seeing other things, and I get to forget that my life sucks because I'm making it so. Maybe that's why I'm such a travel junkie. But lately, I'm so off and out of it, I'm scared of myself. Food is unappealing, and I eat because I know that theoretically, it should taste good, not because I want to eat. I keep eating but I don't feel the giddiness of it anymore. Maybe I'm thinking too much into my diet, that's why food lost their appeal. That's too bad... food is such a guilty pleasure, and it's gone now. I'm back to the period where my thoughts are all black and stupid and nauseous, and that my pink razor just keeps dancing behind my eyelids every time I close my eyes and try to block my thoughts out. And I don't want to tell anyone this, not to their faces, not in articulated words, because god, how embarrassing is that? I can write and expose all I want here, because nobody reads it anyway, and I'm glad for that. Twitter made me revel in instant, shallow friendship, and now I'm sick of it. How people ask and ask, and yet in the end nothing matters. Even Facebook makes me want to hurl, despite my account still being limited to precious individuals only. It's funny how twisted my thoughts have become, how shut out I've made myself to be, how distant I'm trying to be- just because everything seems to freak me out. I can't handle online interaction anymore. How my parents never call me. How friends never call me. My cellphone is a wasted item. Nobody calls, nobody texts, I might as well chuck it away and learn to live alone. I'm being stupid right now, trying to seek attention, but I'm not too worried because I know nobody's going to reciprocate. I hate the kind words my mom says whenever we talk. I just want to cry every time dad says soothing words. I feel more like myself when I joke and annoy my little brothers. Talking with my sister is becoming more and more awkward, since it's obvious she's looking forward to getting married. Oh wells. Another one to leave. It's okay, I'm used to it. I'm reminded again of what my dad used to say- friends will always leave, don't hold on them too much. Dad, my own sister will leave too, you never told me that. Distancing myself before the inevitable shit hits, that sounds good. My heart hurts. I don't like to love and care too much, but I guess that's how you become when you don't have much friends to begin with. At this time, I lament again at the memory of Joey and I, except that things have changed, and of course, like dear dad said, she left. Maybe she said that she didn't and won't, but let's face the reality, right Aaina? This is not making any sense. Heh.
Everytime I feel super down, I always stumble on songs that seems to talk to me and try to lift my spirits up again. So this is the first time I'm listening to Meisa Kuroki, but this song- Happy to be Me [Eng trans], seems to be doing the job quite fine. I should listen to more Japanese singers, Kpop has been losing the gems quite fast. But Red Face's Amazing feat Kim Hwan Hee is compensating some of the disappointment. Now... if only I can find Red Face's full album to download.... ;)
For blurmeese, bb let's work hard! <3