don't even
I'm just trying to find my way around, okay? I'm just trying to not kill myself, I'm just trying to not want to kill myself, I'm just trying not to feel worse than bloody shit while just freaking breathing. telling me I can do it because you could or whatever doesn't do shit because I don't believe you, okay? I don't believe you. I don't know how to believe you. I want to be okay. I want to bloody live but I just don't see it, okay? I can't see it. I don't see a bloody frickin thing in this mess. I don't know what to fight for. I don't know what I'm doing most days and I'm just. trying. okay? I'm just trying.
and none of you can give me what I need, okay? none of you can walk this stupid path these bloody circles round and round and freaking round the freaking I don't know what with me. none of you will do that and it's okay, it's just the way it is and you're not doing anything wrong but that doesn't change what I need, man. it doesn't change the fact that I know what I need to get me out of this and that I'm not going to get it. it's not even much to ask, but it's too much, and I know it. I get it.
but throwing me advice isn't helping, okay? it's just not. I wish it would, I wish it could help. it can't, it doesn't, it doesn't freaking help at all.
so just... don't. okay? just don't. I'm just trying to find my way. and I'm not succeeding, but that doesn't mean I'm not trying. frick, if I weren't trying someone would have found me dead in the shower or something already. so just... don't... act like I'm a failure and an idiot for the mess I am today, okay? I already know it. you don't have to rub it in.
I'm done asking for help. the one person who could - who did tolerate all that... ridiculous mess in my head? that person's gone. and I know how screwed up this is, I know. talking about it just doesn't change a thing, that's all. nobody is going to do that for me again, and it's okay, it really is, but just please. stop. making me feel like shit for caring. that won't change a thing.
and none of you can give me what I need, okay? none of you can walk this stupid path these bloody circles round and round and freaking round the freaking I don't know what with me. none of you will do that and it's okay, it's just the way it is and you're not doing anything wrong but that doesn't change what I need, man. it doesn't change the fact that I know what I need to get me out of this and that I'm not going to get it. it's not even much to ask, but it's too much, and I know it. I get it.
but throwing me advice isn't helping, okay? it's just not. I wish it would, I wish it could help. it can't, it doesn't, it doesn't freaking help at all.
so just... don't. okay? just don't. I'm just trying to find my way. and I'm not succeeding, but that doesn't mean I'm not trying. frick, if I weren't trying someone would have found me dead in the shower or something already. so just... don't... act like I'm a failure and an idiot for the mess I am today, okay? I already know it. you don't have to rub it in.
I'm done asking for help. the one person who could - who did tolerate all that... ridiculous mess in my head? that person's gone. and I know how screwed up this is, I know. talking about it just doesn't change a thing, that's all. nobody is going to do that for me again, and it's okay, it really is, but just please. stop. making me feel like shit for caring. that won't change a thing.