This has bad news written all over it.
The worst thing that could have happened to my self esteem about now was to fail my bio psych test. Well, it happened. I got a 60. That's freaking close to failure if you ask me. I couldn't believe it when I saw it. I mean I knew I definately didn't get the grade I wanted, but I haven't failed a test since last Fall and it was just such a blow to my head. I mean I just...I can't even describe how I feel right now. I feel completely stupid and not worthy of anything and extremely depressed.
I went to the gas station to buy some ciggarettes and just puff my fucking brains away, but for some reason I didn't. I knew in the long run it would only make me feel worse and make me smell, so I just said forget it.
I'm so fucking pissed. The average grade was 62 I think, so I mean most people did really bad. I was always taught that a FAIR test had an average grade of a C (70-79) and was evenly distributed, not a almost failing average with almost everybody it seemed on the failing side. LAME. And he said this test was easier than the first one. Well that was a big bowl of bullshit right there.
SO LAME. So now I feel so completely hopeless and I need to be studying for my next test that I have on Thursday for Social Psych, but I feel too shitty to study anything.
The only funny thing about this whole situation was that as soon as I got up to get the test my heart just stopped and when I saw the grade the first thing that popped in my head was, "I wish I could go see Tony and get my nipples pierced or something."
Ok, so that wasn't even that funny, but hey, pain is often how I deal with difficult situations. Puts your mind on the hole you just stabbed in your body and the extreme pain you're feeling and not on your depressive state.
So anyways, as if I wasn't already pissed as hell, when I was walking to my car I stubbed my fucking toe on a stump in the ground and I just wanted to throw my backpack on the ground and start screaming and beat my fucking head against something. It's absolutely amazing how much I can hold myself together when I feel like I'm falling apart.
So I get back to my apartment and I get an e-mail saying that the spring schedule is up. WOO! Finally something to make me feel a little more hopeful or whatever, so I'm looking at all the Psych classes and even though the schedule is only a partial one right now, like all the classes I want to take are AT NIGHT. I mean they could add more, but probably not likely for some of them. I EFFING HATE MY NIGHT CLASSES. They make me want to cut my wrists up and I was so hoping next semester would be something much more managable. It's going to be hard for me to get a job if my classes are all whacked out again. then I won't have money and I'll end up with student loans and I'll kill myself.
Alright. Let's end all this shit here and stop being depressing, shall we?
I can still save my grade, but if I fail the next test I'm pretty much as fucking fucked as you can fucking get when you're fucking fucked up and failing. Yes. It's true.
Tomorrow as soon as my classes get out, I have to drive home to vote. I'm kind of glad I'm going home for a night.(I'm not coming back till wednesday because I hate driving to and from P-cola in the same day. It just bothers me for some reason.) My house doesn't reek of school and all my kitties make me happy, so a day at home should get me out of my completely depressed funk. I'll probably drive to the mall and get myself a cafe carmel and just remember the good old days when life wasn't FUCKED UP.
I'm trying to think of a positive thing that happened today, but I'm drawing a blank. Damnit. :-/
I wish I had ice cream in my apartment so I could just eat it all night. haha. And I'm too lazy to get in my car and go get some.
I think I'm gonna go now. Try to study. Maybe yell at myself in the mirror. I don't know.
I still don't know who I'm gonna vote for by the way. How pathetic is this?
BUT VOTE YES TO RAISE MINIMUM WAGE! 5.15 an hour isn't gonna help people pay for thier college education or help out people in poverty! Greedy places like Wal-mart and Mcdonalds can afford to give people a little more money!!! MONEY HUNGRY COMPANIES!
I'm leaving now.