paper cranes (10/10+epilogue)
paper cranes (10/10+epilogue)
jae-centric, jaesu
pg
angst, AU
paralysed!jae verse
jaejoong learns the price of forgiveness.
x. wake you up in the middle of the night to say; i will never walk away again; i'm never gonna leave this bed
it is a beautiful, serene place.
the lake in front of them is a myriad of colours. turquoise-blue, clear and glassy even as the sunlight filters past the unmoving waters. the trees sway lusciously as the wind blows ever so softly, a light graze on their skins. the rustling of the leaves above them are muted music that blends with the crunching of the dried leaves and branches under their feet. the path is rough and unused, a sign that other people probably doesn't really venture this far out of the trails just to see the smallest lake within the county.
baby lake, junsu has laughingly and yet aptly named it as.
jaejoong tugs at junsu's hands and smiles when he hears a surprised yelp from the other. serves you right. walk a little faster, junsu-yah. but he doesn't increase the pace anyway, because he knows the younger man is too busy ogling and taking in the breathtaking view surrounding them than to actually listen to him.
hyung.
what?
junsu's eyes are wide and glassy. it's heavenly, he breathes out, almost trembling in reverence. i never thought....
jaejoong nods. it is. he pulls the other closer, almost enveloping the smaller body into his embrace, enjoying the proximity, the warmth. it really is beautiful. almost out of the world. something chokes him when he feels the welcoming press into his chest, and he almost loses his words. this is something he has wanted for such a long time; someone who leans on him, full of trust. junsu-yah-
shhh. let's not talk. let's just- just see. watch. observe.
jaejoong nods. there's beauty even in silence, if he's with junsu.
they'd lost track of time already; the only indication that so much time has passed is when junsu realizes that the sun is mellow on his skin, and the shadows of the trees are altered, unlike how he last remembered them as.
he glances sideways, and his gaze rests on the sleeping man next to him. he wonders whether it's normal for couples to sleep during their dates anyway, because it's his first time. for him, the sight is very peculiar, this picture of tranquility blending with jaejoong is very ethereal to the point he wonders whether this is dream or not- because if it is, well, it's one sick joke on him.
his tummy rumbles shamelessly, and didn't cease even when he slaps one hand on it, and he pouts. the food basket is lying next to jaejoong's head, and trying to reach over will require him to lean over the man...
yeah. junsu shakes his head. you're boyfriend and boyfriend now, don't freak out. yah kim junsu, don't be afraid to come close. he berates himself. stop doubting yourself. this is not a dream. you've finally got him. don't be a coward!
he reaches over carefully, their bodies aligned and yet not touching, taking care not to make any unnecessary rustling so that jaejoong is not waken up- little more, little more, he mumbles as the tips of his fingers brush annoyingly at the basket, still somehow out of reach-
you know you can just ask me to help you right? the voice is low and raspy, laced with sleep.
junsu jumps in surprise- and falls flat on the prone body quite ungracefully, and he facepalms in his head.
sorry sorry sorry sorry-
junsu, breathe.
he looks into the pale face and sees the smile tugging at the corners of the lips. he doesn't know what makes him do it, but he swoops down anyway and kisses jaejoong suddenly, stealing the older man's low oooof and lays still. time seems to stop temporarily but the fingers that travels along the sides of his body makes him jerk upwards and backwards, landing on his butt a few inches away.
-yeah. he breathes out, counting one to five and take big gulps of air at every intervals. i need to breathe. breathe. he avoids the mirth-filled gaze on him, and flails a little. stop looking at me! look at the- the lake. or the flowers. something. just- just not me.
he winces in burning humiliation as laughter explodes from jaejoong, the lean body shaking.
hey- jaejoong traces his arms. hey, look at me.
he pouts.
here. a roll of kimbap is shoved right in front of his face. i heard your tummy growling. i was waiting for you to wake me up or something.
he looks away.
junsuuuuuu~
so he opens his mouth anyway and accepts the food, face a little red, ears a little hot.
he remembers something he'd seen on their way to the massive park-
hyung, let's go to the lighthouse?
he sees jaejoong's accommodating nods and grins happily, all embarrassment forgotten, despite his cheeks puffed out by food. cool. kimbap, please- and opens his mouth for more.
the day is going by superb, and jaejoong's unbelievably light-hearted throughout. he doesn't want this day to end. the farthest of the sky is already tinted with orange and red, and knowing that dusk is already near makes him a little petulant. he's not looking forward to going back to the villa, back to seeing yoochun's grumpy faces and hearing his innocent little death threats directed at them.
can't blame a man for being happily in love, can you?
a sudden shove from the back makes him stumble forwards, but a high-pitched laughter and a pair of arms immediately surrounds him. he really didn't have the heart to scold junsu for scaring him like that; he knows he's doomed.
he twists his body halfway- hey let's sit up there, and waves vaguely at the top of the mound of rocks, and lets junsu pull him steady. he likes the subtle babying that the man does to him, really. plus trying to go up the large rocks haphazardly placed by mother nature is not an easy feat on his legs.
junsu lets him go though once his feet is stable and they have arrived at the highest point, and sprints and bounces before sitting cross-legged, facing the endless ocean and the sinking sun. he can only shake his head, mildly disappointed. he maneuvers himself the best he can anyway and gives a particularly hard knock on the bobbing head, ignoring the strings of why that the other cries out before settling down himself.
they sit in complete silence, before he feels one cold hand creeping to grasp his own.
what? he squeezes the hand protectively- too cold. give me your other hand too.
do you still have the paper cranes? the question comes along with the hand. do you know why i gave you those?
no. jaejoong shivers. i know it's important, i know it's something i told you about, and i tried to remember what it's for, but i couldn't. i went to see dr shim, i asked him if it's normal to not remember for this long, and he said i'm one of the luckier patients who remembers bits and pieces of things. he said not to push it. he said to give it time. i don't know-
hey. i only asked if you know. so don't worry.
jaejoong falls silent.
do you want me to tell you why?
he doesn't answer right away. thoughts assault his mind; he wonders whether to take the shortcut and have junsu tell him some things, or to pursue his memories himself- and then he realizes that junsu will not like it if he's excluded from the long journey. maybe this one time will be okay-
sure. he whispers.
after hyunjoong-sunbae left you, you cried. you said that falling for him was the stupidest thing you've ever done. because you said hurtful things to your family in order to pursue him. because you only saw him, only wanted him. that night- the night.. the soft voice falters. that night, you were drinking and crying and sobbing. you said you're a bad son. you said you don't know how you're going to go back to your family. then you said you're going to make paper cranes. thousands and thousands of them. you're going to make five thousand first, so that you'd have gathered enough hope and courage by then to go home and ask for forgiveness. you said that if you chicken out when you get to five thousand, you'll make another five thousand, hoping that when you finish that, you'll finally have enough guts again.
jaejoong doesn't know when the tears start spilling, torrential and unstoppable.
i felt so bad when it happened, i wanted to die. i thought, why you? why not me? you were going back to your parents, and i made it nearly impossible. it's not fair. it really is not fair. then you wake up, and you remember nothing. it hurts more then. when you found the boxes of cranes, you were looking at them blankly. i thought, god, what have i done? hyung doesn't know. he doesn't remember. god help me. i kept thinking like that. that's why i can persevere. that's why i can stand everything, i can stand anything. yoochunnie-hyung doesn't understand this. i never told him. i thought, this is between jae-hyung and me. until hyung remembers, i cannot tell anybody else. that's why i made those. it was my fault you didn't remember it, and i just thought i'd help you out with it, because god knows i owe you a lot.
stop. jaejoong whispers. he turns and pulls the shaking body into a crushing hug. it's okay. it's okay. it's okay. it's not your fault. we're okay now. my family's okay now. he untangles himself, and stares into junsu's glassy eyes. i went to see them first before coming here. i told them everything that i know. i told them i don't remember much, but that i've got you to help me. i told them about you. i told them i'd bring you home soon. so it's okay. so stop blaming yourself. you don't deserve that much guilt. you don't need to hold on to that guilt anymore. because i love you just the way you are. i love you for what you've done for me, after the accident happened. i'm glad it happened- because otherwise we'll never get to be like this. i may have lost quite a bit, but i gained bigger things in return. i went through a lot to gain this much, and i'm happy it's like this. it was worth it.
junsu smiles; a watery, wobbly line across the face, and he returns the gesture.
loveyoutoo, hyung.
the words are muffled, but jaejoong understands.
for the first time since as far as his memory allows him to, he feels unburdened. released. free. full of love. full of blessing. hopeful.
far across them, the sun sets for the day and night falls with a hush.
i was dying of hunger here. yoochun pouts as soon as they enter the villa.
junsu and jaejoong both laugh; and junsu's glad that the somber mood from the lighthouse is gone. it's time to open a new chapter in his book, one that's filled with smiles and happiness and love. just thinking of that makes him gravitate closer to the man next to him.
i'll go cook. anything you want to eat? he asks and remains standing as jaejoong flops into the sofa right on yoochun's lap.
bibimbap. i feel like it.
cool. bibimbap for you, darling. he drops a butterfly of a kiss on top of the head and peers at yoochun's grumpy face. you should stop making ugly faces at us, you know. you're the one planning this whole vacation. what do you want to eat, darling? he hears jaejoong cough suggestively- i mean, ahjusshi. what do you want to eat, ahjusshi? bibimbap sounds okay right? i'll make you some too. he grins.
you're not going to make me something else even if i say i want it. you're just going to cook for jaejoong here. you should leave me to die. yoochun pouts again.
darn right. what he wants is all that's relevant. he grins bigger.
hatechuboth.
jaejoong, we're here. he can feel yoochun's insistent poking. wake junsu up. i'll see you guys this weekend, kay?
he pulls junsu out of the car, the younger man's eyes still resolutely closed, and waves off a tired yoochun away.
junsu-yah. let's go up. we're home. help me with the bags, baby. he shakes the sleepy man awake. come on, babe, help me here. we'll sleep better once we're inside on the bed. come on. he blows at his bangs in frustration when the man doesn't budge an inch.
wake up and help with the bags, or i'll leave you to sleep on this pavement, kim junsu. he threatens.
okay, okay, sheesh- junsu groans and cracks an eye open.
where you going, yah kim junsu- jaejoong raises his voice at the slouching body padding slowly to the room across his.
junsu turns around, sleepy and confused. my room- he points a finger at the door.
you're sleeping with me. come here.
junsu brightens up enough to semi-run into the room.
jaejoong lets him hog all three pillows.
dork. he pokes the cheek and snuggles closer anyway.
tbc
ps: i wanted to add some more, but thought against it. this is already a ~2k monster xD one last epilogue to go! phew! let's do this, self! i'm aiming for the weekend... ohgodpleaseletmefinishthisbythisweekend kthxbai
pps: crits/comments/grammatical corrections ftw!!
ppps: yes. i'm a little obsessed with bibimbap. last week i went to this korean restaurant here in bangalore with a friend of mine, its name is haekumgang, and spent a fortune there. and by the looks of it, i'm going to binge on some homemade bibimbap tomorrow, and go to haekumgang again this saturday and eat there again. heheh. no wonder i'm fat :|
jae-centric, jaesu
pg
angst, AU
paralysed!jae verse
jaejoong learns the price of forgiveness.
x. wake you up in the middle of the night to say; i will never walk away again; i'm never gonna leave this bed
it is a beautiful, serene place.
the lake in front of them is a myriad of colours. turquoise-blue, clear and glassy even as the sunlight filters past the unmoving waters. the trees sway lusciously as the wind blows ever so softly, a light graze on their skins. the rustling of the leaves above them are muted music that blends with the crunching of the dried leaves and branches under their feet. the path is rough and unused, a sign that other people probably doesn't really venture this far out of the trails just to see the smallest lake within the county.
baby lake, junsu has laughingly and yet aptly named it as.
jaejoong tugs at junsu's hands and smiles when he hears a surprised yelp from the other. serves you right. walk a little faster, junsu-yah. but he doesn't increase the pace anyway, because he knows the younger man is too busy ogling and taking in the breathtaking view surrounding them than to actually listen to him.
hyung.
what?
junsu's eyes are wide and glassy. it's heavenly, he breathes out, almost trembling in reverence. i never thought....
jaejoong nods. it is. he pulls the other closer, almost enveloping the smaller body into his embrace, enjoying the proximity, the warmth. it really is beautiful. almost out of the world. something chokes him when he feels the welcoming press into his chest, and he almost loses his words. this is something he has wanted for such a long time; someone who leans on him, full of trust. junsu-yah-
shhh. let's not talk. let's just- just see. watch. observe.
jaejoong nods. there's beauty even in silence, if he's with junsu.
they'd lost track of time already; the only indication that so much time has passed is when junsu realizes that the sun is mellow on his skin, and the shadows of the trees are altered, unlike how he last remembered them as.
he glances sideways, and his gaze rests on the sleeping man next to him. he wonders whether it's normal for couples to sleep during their dates anyway, because it's his first time. for him, the sight is very peculiar, this picture of tranquility blending with jaejoong is very ethereal to the point he wonders whether this is dream or not- because if it is, well, it's one sick joke on him.
his tummy rumbles shamelessly, and didn't cease even when he slaps one hand on it, and he pouts. the food basket is lying next to jaejoong's head, and trying to reach over will require him to lean over the man...
yeah. junsu shakes his head. you're boyfriend and boyfriend now, don't freak out. yah kim junsu, don't be afraid to come close. he berates himself. stop doubting yourself. this is not a dream. you've finally got him. don't be a coward!
he reaches over carefully, their bodies aligned and yet not touching, taking care not to make any unnecessary rustling so that jaejoong is not waken up- little more, little more, he mumbles as the tips of his fingers brush annoyingly at the basket, still somehow out of reach-
you know you can just ask me to help you right? the voice is low and raspy, laced with sleep.
junsu jumps in surprise- and falls flat on the prone body quite ungracefully, and he facepalms in his head.
sorry sorry sorry sorry-
junsu, breathe.
he looks into the pale face and sees the smile tugging at the corners of the lips. he doesn't know what makes him do it, but he swoops down anyway and kisses jaejoong suddenly, stealing the older man's low oooof and lays still. time seems to stop temporarily but the fingers that travels along the sides of his body makes him jerk upwards and backwards, landing on his butt a few inches away.
-yeah. he breathes out, counting one to five and take big gulps of air at every intervals. i need to breathe. breathe. he avoids the mirth-filled gaze on him, and flails a little. stop looking at me! look at the- the lake. or the flowers. something. just- just not me.
he winces in burning humiliation as laughter explodes from jaejoong, the lean body shaking.
hey- jaejoong traces his arms. hey, look at me.
he pouts.
here. a roll of kimbap is shoved right in front of his face. i heard your tummy growling. i was waiting for you to wake me up or something.
he looks away.
junsuuuuuu~
so he opens his mouth anyway and accepts the food, face a little red, ears a little hot.
he remembers something he'd seen on their way to the massive park-
hyung, let's go to the lighthouse?
he sees jaejoong's accommodating nods and grins happily, all embarrassment forgotten, despite his cheeks puffed out by food. cool. kimbap, please- and opens his mouth for more.
the day is going by superb, and jaejoong's unbelievably light-hearted throughout. he doesn't want this day to end. the farthest of the sky is already tinted with orange and red, and knowing that dusk is already near makes him a little petulant. he's not looking forward to going back to the villa, back to seeing yoochun's grumpy faces and hearing his innocent little death threats directed at them.
can't blame a man for being happily in love, can you?
a sudden shove from the back makes him stumble forwards, but a high-pitched laughter and a pair of arms immediately surrounds him. he really didn't have the heart to scold junsu for scaring him like that; he knows he's doomed.
he twists his body halfway- hey let's sit up there, and waves vaguely at the top of the mound of rocks, and lets junsu pull him steady. he likes the subtle babying that the man does to him, really. plus trying to go up the large rocks haphazardly placed by mother nature is not an easy feat on his legs.
junsu lets him go though once his feet is stable and they have arrived at the highest point, and sprints and bounces before sitting cross-legged, facing the endless ocean and the sinking sun. he can only shake his head, mildly disappointed. he maneuvers himself the best he can anyway and gives a particularly hard knock on the bobbing head, ignoring the strings of why that the other cries out before settling down himself.
they sit in complete silence, before he feels one cold hand creeping to grasp his own.
what? he squeezes the hand protectively- too cold. give me your other hand too.
do you still have the paper cranes? the question comes along with the hand. do you know why i gave you those?
no. jaejoong shivers. i know it's important, i know it's something i told you about, and i tried to remember what it's for, but i couldn't. i went to see dr shim, i asked him if it's normal to not remember for this long, and he said i'm one of the luckier patients who remembers bits and pieces of things. he said not to push it. he said to give it time. i don't know-
hey. i only asked if you know. so don't worry.
jaejoong falls silent.
do you want me to tell you why?
he doesn't answer right away. thoughts assault his mind; he wonders whether to take the shortcut and have junsu tell him some things, or to pursue his memories himself- and then he realizes that junsu will not like it if he's excluded from the long journey. maybe this one time will be okay-
sure. he whispers.
after hyunjoong-sunbae left you, you cried. you said that falling for him was the stupidest thing you've ever done. because you said hurtful things to your family in order to pursue him. because you only saw him, only wanted him. that night- the night.. the soft voice falters. that night, you were drinking and crying and sobbing. you said you're a bad son. you said you don't know how you're going to go back to your family. then you said you're going to make paper cranes. thousands and thousands of them. you're going to make five thousand first, so that you'd have gathered enough hope and courage by then to go home and ask for forgiveness. you said that if you chicken out when you get to five thousand, you'll make another five thousand, hoping that when you finish that, you'll finally have enough guts again.
jaejoong doesn't know when the tears start spilling, torrential and unstoppable.
i felt so bad when it happened, i wanted to die. i thought, why you? why not me? you were going back to your parents, and i made it nearly impossible. it's not fair. it really is not fair. then you wake up, and you remember nothing. it hurts more then. when you found the boxes of cranes, you were looking at them blankly. i thought, god, what have i done? hyung doesn't know. he doesn't remember. god help me. i kept thinking like that. that's why i can persevere. that's why i can stand everything, i can stand anything. yoochunnie-hyung doesn't understand this. i never told him. i thought, this is between jae-hyung and me. until hyung remembers, i cannot tell anybody else. that's why i made those. it was my fault you didn't remember it, and i just thought i'd help you out with it, because god knows i owe you a lot.
stop. jaejoong whispers. he turns and pulls the shaking body into a crushing hug. it's okay. it's okay. it's okay. it's not your fault. we're okay now. my family's okay now. he untangles himself, and stares into junsu's glassy eyes. i went to see them first before coming here. i told them everything that i know. i told them i don't remember much, but that i've got you to help me. i told them about you. i told them i'd bring you home soon. so it's okay. so stop blaming yourself. you don't deserve that much guilt. you don't need to hold on to that guilt anymore. because i love you just the way you are. i love you for what you've done for me, after the accident happened. i'm glad it happened- because otherwise we'll never get to be like this. i may have lost quite a bit, but i gained bigger things in return. i went through a lot to gain this much, and i'm happy it's like this. it was worth it.
junsu smiles; a watery, wobbly line across the face, and he returns the gesture.
loveyoutoo, hyung.
the words are muffled, but jaejoong understands.
for the first time since as far as his memory allows him to, he feels unburdened. released. free. full of love. full of blessing. hopeful.
far across them, the sun sets for the day and night falls with a hush.
i was dying of hunger here. yoochun pouts as soon as they enter the villa.
junsu and jaejoong both laugh; and junsu's glad that the somber mood from the lighthouse is gone. it's time to open a new chapter in his book, one that's filled with smiles and happiness and love. just thinking of that makes him gravitate closer to the man next to him.
i'll go cook. anything you want to eat? he asks and remains standing as jaejoong flops into the sofa right on yoochun's lap.
bibimbap. i feel like it.
cool. bibimbap for you, darling. he drops a butterfly of a kiss on top of the head and peers at yoochun's grumpy face. you should stop making ugly faces at us, you know. you're the one planning this whole vacation. what do you want to eat, darling? he hears jaejoong cough suggestively- i mean, ahjusshi. what do you want to eat, ahjusshi? bibimbap sounds okay right? i'll make you some too. he grins.
you're not going to make me something else even if i say i want it. you're just going to cook for jaejoong here. you should leave me to die. yoochun pouts again.
darn right. what he wants is all that's relevant. he grins bigger.
hatechuboth.
jaejoong, we're here. he can feel yoochun's insistent poking. wake junsu up. i'll see you guys this weekend, kay?
he pulls junsu out of the car, the younger man's eyes still resolutely closed, and waves off a tired yoochun away.
junsu-yah. let's go up. we're home. help me with the bags, baby. he shakes the sleepy man awake. come on, babe, help me here. we'll sleep better once we're inside on the bed. come on. he blows at his bangs in frustration when the man doesn't budge an inch.
wake up and help with the bags, or i'll leave you to sleep on this pavement, kim junsu. he threatens.
okay, okay, sheesh- junsu groans and cracks an eye open.
where you going, yah kim junsu- jaejoong raises his voice at the slouching body padding slowly to the room across his.
junsu turns around, sleepy and confused. my room- he points a finger at the door.
you're sleeping with me. come here.
junsu brightens up enough to semi-run into the room.
jaejoong lets him hog all three pillows.
dork. he pokes the cheek and snuggles closer anyway.
tbc
ps: i wanted to add some more, but thought against it. this is already a ~2k monster xD one last epilogue to go! phew! let's do this, self! i'm aiming for the weekend... ohgodpleaseletmefinishthisbythisweekend kthxbai
pps: crits/comments/grammatical corrections ftw!!
ppps: yes. i'm a little obsessed with bibimbap. last week i went to this korean restaurant here in bangalore with a friend of mine, its name is haekumgang, and spent a fortune there. and by the looks of it, i'm going to binge on some homemade bibimbap tomorrow, and go to haekumgang again this saturday and eat there again. heheh. no wonder i'm fat :|