fury of early love

[burntnorton]

Lean youth ravished leaves here a husk-shell, the fruit mere starch stains in the casket, residues by the rind, and perfumes that trophy on the air. That which teemed into the tongue tastes no more of tender days nor blushes with the rush of perfect red through delved russetvein. The Lust is liage atop a heavily purple bruise, the sabled gules of

Comments

[fireflesh]

My eyes love rolling over your words.

[crazy_syllable]

hmm, i like the word usage, and the way things kind of off-rhyme...all i can suggest is maybe make it a little more active, it seems really passive, like everything is happening to you....maybe that's whatyou're trying to convey. i just feel like the words are too delicate to even read correctly, like if i read them outloud i would destroy them with the courseness of my voice.....do you know what i mean?

[burntnorton]

i agree with the passive active thing tho im not sure how to rectify that. about speeching it, i wrote it for the ear (which is why it is the way it is - elaborate aurals throughout), and i think it sounds better when spoken, though differents in accent, pronunciation and sentence rhythm may rupture a vocal translation in some cases.
thanks for da feedback¬!