(no subject)
I need some clarity. I'm going to Neal's grave today to clear my mind. I need to feel that. I need to feel the earth and sky in me. That sancutuary I create there. I need a cleansing. This time of year always reminds me of him. Our anniversary would have been the 17th. I still see his face over me. That first Halloween. Those nights he showed up at my window. That night in the woods when I told him it was too cold, and he told me to hold on to him and that he would always be my warmth. It's that crispness in the air, eventhough it's 90 degrees, I assure you it's there. He is there.
They say history will repeat itself, and in my case, it's happening again. I have found myself in a relationship in which I let myself get wrapped up in. This happened when I was in high school. I had the 2 most important people in my life, and let everyone else go by the wasteside. I'm older now, and I still can't make that distinguishment. I always felt guilty. Don't think I enjoyed playing all of this off. I knew what I was doing, but at the same time I would have hoped that people understood me well enough to know that I would never leave forever. This was just my time to sort some things out - that I never had any malicious intent towards in anyone in this. I was trying to protect the one person I never wanted to hurt. This all just happened so quickly, and trying to figure right from wrong got hazier and hazier. I knew I had something that meant a lot to me. I had found something I had been looking for in mistake after mistake. I wanted to be sure that I actually had it instead of jumping into something like I have done time after time before. I needed that assurance that this was OK. I didn't want to lose something new that was influencing my life, but in turn, I sacrificied other aspects important to me. I should be in class now, but my eyes are embarrassingly swollen. My head is heavy. I've had a lot to think about in past 24 hours. I'm still not sure how to react. I feel as though I have drifted away, and sometimes, as hard as it is to say, I feel numb about it. I too have been hurt by people. I have been used and walked on. I'm too quiet to ever say how mad I am; I just put up with it. I channel it somewhere else and get over it. I hate conflict and anger. People have tunnel vision at that point, and they are so focused on being mad, they won't let you in when that's what they wanted initially. It becomes this competition over who can type faster, who can have the last word. A small little white box filled with choppy sentences that are supposed to mean a relationship is over. Incomplete thoughts and points. Just angry words, nothing accomplished. How can I explain when all you want to do is yell? How do you expect me to compose thoughts in a seconds worth of time that are actually supposed to explain my behavior. There is no time to think, only react, and it's always defensively - that's human nature. People feel attacked, so the natural defense is to tear down as many walls as you can. How can these inane conversations of yelling and hurtful words mean as much as they do? I remember when people spoke face to face. That way you could see their tears, their pain. Their cold eyes, their want for a solution. This box is faceless. It can't interpret human emotion, and it's not fair to base it all on this.
There has been one person, the most important person probably in all of this, that actually spoke to my face. I thanked him for that. He came to me and expressed his feelings whole-heartedly without keeping it all in then blowing up in my face about it. The conversation was calm, and a long time coming, and since then I feel closer to him. I let him see me that day on the bridge in tears, unable to even form a sentence. He just implored more and more thought in me. That day I felt cornered - outted. I knew at that point how much harm I had done, and how much I hurt because of it.
I wish I could go back and right all of my wrongs, but I can't. I found happiness at a high price. Times like this your friends are supposed to be happy for you, supportive. I want to share this with all of you. We know it's time, and we've let people in one by one. It was cautious though. Everyone had made their assumptions already, now it's just dealing with the 'i told you so' factor. I was so hurt to hear that people were discussing my business behind my back without even coming to me about it. I had no idea at that point. I was hurt that people thought that of me without even talking to me about it. Eventually, yes, something did happen. But at that point people already had their minds made up about what I had done.
I feel like I am talking in circles. As if I need to prove something to someone. I'm not trying to sell a car here. I'm trying my best to get through this without severing any more ties. The ones I have lost are brutal, and I will deal with that on my own. I'm too prideful to ask for help or advice. I shut people out, and that's all I know how to do. I had found an escape from the drama and day to day BS that bored me. It was exciting and new and a long time coming. I needed this, and I'm sorry that it came down to this. But I am not sorry that my friends didn't know me well enough to give me the time and space I needed. I didn't know I had a time limit. Everyone has their down points. I hit rock bottom, and I'm trying slowly to crawl out of it. I just wish I had my best friends by my side to pick me up.
They say history will repeat itself, and in my case, it's happening again. I have found myself in a relationship in which I let myself get wrapped up in. This happened when I was in high school. I had the 2 most important people in my life, and let everyone else go by the wasteside. I'm older now, and I still can't make that distinguishment. I always felt guilty. Don't think I enjoyed playing all of this off. I knew what I was doing, but at the same time I would have hoped that people understood me well enough to know that I would never leave forever. This was just my time to sort some things out - that I never had any malicious intent towards in anyone in this. I was trying to protect the one person I never wanted to hurt. This all just happened so quickly, and trying to figure right from wrong got hazier and hazier. I knew I had something that meant a lot to me. I had found something I had been looking for in mistake after mistake. I wanted to be sure that I actually had it instead of jumping into something like I have done time after time before. I needed that assurance that this was OK. I didn't want to lose something new that was influencing my life, but in turn, I sacrificied other aspects important to me. I should be in class now, but my eyes are embarrassingly swollen. My head is heavy. I've had a lot to think about in past 24 hours. I'm still not sure how to react. I feel as though I have drifted away, and sometimes, as hard as it is to say, I feel numb about it. I too have been hurt by people. I have been used and walked on. I'm too quiet to ever say how mad I am; I just put up with it. I channel it somewhere else and get over it. I hate conflict and anger. People have tunnel vision at that point, and they are so focused on being mad, they won't let you in when that's what they wanted initially. It becomes this competition over who can type faster, who can have the last word. A small little white box filled with choppy sentences that are supposed to mean a relationship is over. Incomplete thoughts and points. Just angry words, nothing accomplished. How can I explain when all you want to do is yell? How do you expect me to compose thoughts in a seconds worth of time that are actually supposed to explain my behavior. There is no time to think, only react, and it's always defensively - that's human nature. People feel attacked, so the natural defense is to tear down as many walls as you can. How can these inane conversations of yelling and hurtful words mean as much as they do? I remember when people spoke face to face. That way you could see their tears, their pain. Their cold eyes, their want for a solution. This box is faceless. It can't interpret human emotion, and it's not fair to base it all on this.
There has been one person, the most important person probably in all of this, that actually spoke to my face. I thanked him for that. He came to me and expressed his feelings whole-heartedly without keeping it all in then blowing up in my face about it. The conversation was calm, and a long time coming, and since then I feel closer to him. I let him see me that day on the bridge in tears, unable to even form a sentence. He just implored more and more thought in me. That day I felt cornered - outted. I knew at that point how much harm I had done, and how much I hurt because of it.
I wish I could go back and right all of my wrongs, but I can't. I found happiness at a high price. Times like this your friends are supposed to be happy for you, supportive. I want to share this with all of you. We know it's time, and we've let people in one by one. It was cautious though. Everyone had made their assumptions already, now it's just dealing with the 'i told you so' factor. I was so hurt to hear that people were discussing my business behind my back without even coming to me about it. I had no idea at that point. I was hurt that people thought that of me without even talking to me about it. Eventually, yes, something did happen. But at that point people already had their minds made up about what I had done.
I feel like I am talking in circles. As if I need to prove something to someone. I'm not trying to sell a car here. I'm trying my best to get through this without severing any more ties. The ones I have lost are brutal, and I will deal with that on my own. I'm too prideful to ask for help or advice. I shut people out, and that's all I know how to do. I had found an escape from the drama and day to day BS that bored me. It was exciting and new and a long time coming. I needed this, and I'm sorry that it came down to this. But I am not sorry that my friends didn't know me well enough to give me the time and space I needed. I didn't know I had a time limit. Everyone has their down points. I hit rock bottom, and I'm trying slowly to crawl out of it. I just wish I had my best friends by my side to pick me up.