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Dec 30, 2005 22:03

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their *******s are too small.

Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

"I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar."

Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."

Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her husband's away!

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.
Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!
Wife: You wear shorts!

What's the best date to bring on a picnic? One who will arch her back so your balls don't get grass-stained.

I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?

It is well known...
Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up.

Boy: Do you like parties?
Girl: Yes, why?
Boy: Well then jump in my pants and have a ball!

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there's nothin' special... we just flat out tell' em they're gonna die...

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."
The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"

Want to hear two short jokes and a long joke?
Joke. Joke. Joooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkke.

A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?"

Harry's wife says, "Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house?" He says, "No, our house isn't blue."

Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy **** it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy ****... A talking muffin!"

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "****". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "****" falls into many grammatical categories.
* It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John ****ed Mary) and intransitive (Mary was ****ed by John).
* It can be an action verb (John really gives a ****), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a ****), an adverb (Mary is ****ing interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific ****).
* It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is ****ing beautiful) or an interjection (****! I'm late for my date with Mary).
* It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, **** she's also stupid).

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "****". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations...
Greetings "How the **** are ya?"
Fraud "I got ****ed by the car dealer."
Resignation "Oh, **** it!"
Trouble "I guess I'm ****ed now."
Aggression "**** YOU!"
Disgust "**** me."
Confusion "What the ****.......?"
Difficulty "I don't understand this ****ing business!"
Despair "****ed again..."
Pleasure "I ****ing couldn't be happier."
Displeasure "What the **** is going on here?"
Lost "Where the **** are we."
Disbelief "UN****ING BELIEVABLE!"
Retaliation "Up your ****ing ass!"
Denial "I didn't ****ing do it."
Perplexity "I know **** all about it."
Apathy "Who really gives a ****, anyhow?"
Greetings "How the **** are ya?"
Suspicion "Who the **** are you?"
Panic "Let's get the **** out of here."
Directions "**** off."
Disbelief "How the **** did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a ****ing *******."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five ****ing thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this ****ing job?"
It can be maternal- "Mother ****er."
It can be political- "**** Dan Quayle!"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history...
"What the **** was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where the **** is all this water coming from?"
- Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real ****ing gun."
- John Lennon
"Who's gonna ****ing find out?"
- Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to ****ing roll."
- Anne Boleyn
"Let the ****ing woman drive."
- Commander of Space Shuttle
"What ****ing map?"
- "Challenger," Mark Thatcher
"Any ****ing idiot could understand that."
- Albert Einstein
"It does so ****ing look like her!"
- Picasso
"How the **** did you work that out?"
- Pythagoras
"You want what on the ****ing ceiling?"
- Michaelangelo
"**** a duck."
- Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its ****ing there!"
- Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna ****ing rain?"
- Joan of Arc
"Scattered ****ing showers my ass."
- Noah
"I need this parade like I need a ****ing hole in my head."
- John F. Kennedy
Sometimes when **** happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a ****. Here are some **** definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...
Ghost ****
You know you've ****. There's **** on the toilet paper, but no **** in the bowl.
Teflon Coated ****
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of **** on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!
Gooey ****
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This **** leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
Second Thought ****
You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead ****
This kind is the kind of **** that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly ****
You **** so much you lose 5 kilos.
Right Now ****
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
King Kong or Commode Choker ****
This **** is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of **** usually happens at someone else's house.
Wet Cheeks ****
This **** hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.
Wish ****
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no ****!
Cement Block or Oh God ****
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you ****.
Snake ****
This **** is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
Cork **** (Also Known as Floater ****)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This **** usually happens at someone else's house.
Mexican Food **** (also called Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your ******* stops burning.
Beer Drunk ****
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your **** doesn't smell too bad, but this **** is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of **** also usually happens at someone else's house.
The Frightened Turtle
The kind of **** that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in
The Bungee ****
The kind of **** that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.
The Ring of Fire ****
The kind of **** where you eat really spicy food and your ******* feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
The Crippler
The kind of **** where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Big Bobber
The kind of **** that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.
The ****ty ****ty Bang Bang
The kind of **** that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Incredible Hulk ****
The king of **** that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.
The Jack the Ripper ****
The kind of **** that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.
The Party Pooper
The giant **** you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
The Toxic Gas ****
The kind of **** that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.
Dirty Bowl ****
The kind of **** that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
The Windy City ****
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a ****.
Oh ****! ****
You **** so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH ****!
The Never Ending ****
It's the **** that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more **** runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Ouch That Hurt ****
The type of **** that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.

Things That Piss Me Off!

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the **** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". **** off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the **** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dick nose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the ****ing ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know *******, you ****ing pulled me over.

When people say "Life is short." What the ****?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever ****ing does!! What? Are they going to ****ing do something that's longer?

When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's on god damn piece of paper!

When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here *******!
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