work, jaded v. idealistic
i'm very unsure about how i should post about this. the net result of some recent conversations is that i'm not going to be coaching anymore. basically i feel like everybody (me, bill, jill) made promises and nobody followed through to the extent which they should have, and thus we all let each other down, but because bill's the boss and i'm the employee, well we all know how that goes. plus, even though, or perhaps especially because he denies it, i think that bill is letting his personal concern and regard for me (by which i mean what he thinks i should be doing with my life) get in the way of the professional relationship he should be having with me as my boss. methinks i shouldn't be putting either of us in that position. and then of course there's the bit where admin-types are concerned about me socializing/associating/fraternizing with students because i'm an employee... even though i would be a senior if i was still a student and i'm not in a position of power or anything... obviously i have my own opinions of that concern but i can understand how it's a gray area and i'm thinking that i shouldn't be putting myself in that position right now.
the signs are pointing to me not working for src anymore. the question now becomes: if i'm not working here, what else am i going to do? i don't have to stay in gb/live with adam until april/may now if i don't want to... i guess theoretically i don't have to stay at all, but i'm thinking where else would i go right now and anyway i should stay around until the end of december at the earliest. but i still have the option of staying until mayprilish and since i'm thinking of getting an internship on a farm at about that time, what's the point of moving out/away in january when i'll just be moving on again in a few months? basically, my question is: do i get a job for two months and then move on, or do i get a job for fiveish months and move on after that? the playing field is wide open yet again.
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bill asked me on monday "where is your idealism?" he was using the question as a rhetorical device but it's really got me thinking. i haven't cried in earnest since the beginning of sophomore year at src, and the last time i can really remember crying at all was when sachit and i broke up nearly a year ago. i think this links up with the idealism thing because i think me not crying in a year and not in earnest in two years represents a loss of starry-eyed idealism on my part. i used to have that in plenty, and i used to be a veritable waterworks. now i have a good thing going with a new guy but i feel jaded about it because i think that i'm being realistic about the eventual demise of this relationship but i have a sneaking suspicion that i'm actually being pessimistic about it and not letting myself get really truly attached. where's the living from my heart that i used to do? ironically, that's been my goal in not going to school right now: to do what i really want to do. but now i'm not doing that and i'm getting caught up in practicalities. it's easiest to illustrate my loss of idealism in terms of romantic relationships, but it really applies across the board for me right now. i'm 19... isn't that too young to be jaded?
the signs are pointing to me not working for src anymore. the question now becomes: if i'm not working here, what else am i going to do? i don't have to stay in gb/live with adam until april/may now if i don't want to... i guess theoretically i don't have to stay at all, but i'm thinking where else would i go right now and anyway i should stay around until the end of december at the earliest. but i still have the option of staying until mayprilish and since i'm thinking of getting an internship on a farm at about that time, what's the point of moving out/away in january when i'll just be moving on again in a few months? basically, my question is: do i get a job for two months and then move on, or do i get a job for fiveish months and move on after that? the playing field is wide open yet again.
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bill asked me on monday "where is your idealism?" he was using the question as a rhetorical device but it's really got me thinking. i haven't cried in earnest since the beginning of sophomore year at src, and the last time i can really remember crying at all was when sachit and i broke up nearly a year ago. i think this links up with the idealism thing because i think me not crying in a year and not in earnest in two years represents a loss of starry-eyed idealism on my part. i used to have that in plenty, and i used to be a veritable waterworks. now i have a good thing going with a new guy but i feel jaded about it because i think that i'm being realistic about the eventual demise of this relationship but i have a sneaking suspicion that i'm actually being pessimistic about it and not letting myself get really truly attached. where's the living from my heart that i used to do? ironically, that's been my goal in not going to school right now: to do what i really want to do. but now i'm not doing that and i'm getting caught up in practicalities. it's easiest to illustrate my loss of idealism in terms of romantic relationships, but it really applies across the board for me right now. i'm 19... isn't that too young to be jaded?