blind go fics, cont
Previous
Shigemi was doing the 'noodle' dance as he cleaned the table. Well, it wasn't really like he had different dances for different types of food, but he had different dances, and they were having udon tonight, so. It was a noodle dance. Shigemi had dragged him off to Kaoi High School's Go Club to give a talk, and they'd run really late. Shigemi had been encouraging the students, of course. Such a brat.
His butt looked really cute when he wiggled it like that, though.
They'd picked up dinner on the way home, so Shigemi was cleaning up and Hikaru was transferring the udon from the take-out containers to real bowls, which was something that was necessary for reasons that Hikaru assumed were intended to be mysterious. The phone rang, but Shigemi's butt looked too cute to make him stop, so he answered it.
"Shindou?"
"Waya? What's up?" he asked. Shigemi looked at him over his shoulder, but then he went back to work. Well, mostly he was just dancing now, right? The table had to be clean by now, right?
"Ah... you haven't heard, right?"
Hikaru furrowed his brow. That was annoying. "Haven't heard what, Waya?"
"...Touya's wife committed suicide this morning."
Hikaru dropped the take-out container he was holding. He nearly dropped the phone he was cradling against his neck. "Wh... What did you just say?" Shigemi turned to look at him, but Hikaru couldn't focus.
"I don't know any details. Morishita-sensei just told me. It happened this morning, it seems. At home. I... I thought you'd want to know."
Hikaru probably made a noise. He hung up the phone, and just... put it down somewhere. This didn't make any sense. They just had a baby! Well, they did a while ago, but still. Didn't babies make women happy? Oh... not all the time, right? Was that it? Hikaru couldn't remember what that was called, when women weren't happy after giving birth. He never thought about Ami at all. She was blandly beautiful in a Japanese kind of way, and she was a bitch. That was all he needed to know about her. More than he needed to know.
"Sensei?" Hikaru jumped when Shigemi touched his arm. Oh, right.
"I've got to go." That was right. Yes. He had to go. He knew where Touya's house was... well, he had the address somewhere. In his phone? Probably. Maybe. It didn't matter. He turned, and grabbed his keys and phone.
"Wait, what happened? What's going on?" Shigemi tugged on his arm.
He just... couldn't, not right now. He couldn't even say it out loud. It couldn't be a joke because Waya would never do something like that, but it wasn't real. It couldn't be. "I've got to go."
That was all he could say.
He should have called for a cab. Actually, he should have bought a car when his mother suggested it a few years back, as long as he was being retrospectively critical of himself. He should have been a better friend to Touya. Even if Touya was an ass, before they were lovers, they were friends, and they hadn't been friends in years. They should have been, even though it seemed impossible. They should have been, because something terrible just happened to Touya.
Shit.
Anyway, it was pointless to call a cab, because he didn't know the address and it probably wasn't in his phone because Shigemi had programmed his phone and Shigemi didn't know Touya's address, right? But Hikaru did know how to get there. Touya bought the house just before he got married. The night before Touya's wedding... that was where Hikaru had...
That was a long time ago. Touya's wedding. And now, his wife... That day, she had looked happy. Their house was nice. But, Hikaru didn't know Ami at all. That bitch. She probably wasn't, though, was she? Or, even if she was... she wasn't anymore.
Damn it.
Taking the train, and walking from the station, it took him nearly an hour. What time was it now? He had no way to know. Shigemi and he were going to eat dinner. But, he didn't feel hungry. He felt sick. Sick right down to his bones. Once he turned on Touya's street, he knew which house it was, because Ogata-sensei's flashy yellow sports car was in front. He recognized one of the other cars, too, so that had to be Ashiwara's car, right? He'd gotten a ride from him with Waya and Saeki once, right? Not that it really mattered now.
Suicide.
It was real, wasn't it?
It was just exactly when he pressed his finger to the doorbell that he realized how bizarre it was for him to show up at Touya's doorstop the day his wife died. Bizarre, but... what else was he supposed to do!? He had to be here, right?
Ogata-sensei opened the door, and scowled a bit. "What are you doing here?"
"I heard... I just." He wasn't going to force his way into Touya's house, but he wasn't going to be put off by Ogata-sensei either.
"Shindou-kun?" Ashiwara peeked around Ogata-sensei, and pushed him out of the way slightly. "Is that you? News travels, huh?"
Like some kind of revelation, Hikaru just understood it. Ashiwara told Saeki who told Morishita-sensei who told Waya. Hikaru's head started to pound. Since Ashiwara had given him an opening, he slipped inside to the genkan. "That it does," he said under his breath, toeing his shoes off.
"This isn't a tourist spot," Ogata-sensei growled.
Hikaru got that he was being protective, though it was a side of Ogata-sensei that only reared its ugly head at the most inconvenient moments. He glared at the older man, but before he said anything, someone else came to the door.
"Shindou-kun? Is that you?" He looked up, feeling a rush of cold water go right through him. Damn it all... Touya-san looked tired, and weak. That was right, her daughter-in-law died. The mother of her grandchild.
"T-Touya-san. I'm... I'm so sorry..." he fumbled for what to say. What did anyone say at a time like this? It was impossible.
"Oh, thank goodness," she said, reaching out for him. She took Hikaru by both arms and pulled him into the house proper, smiling at him. "I'm so glad to see you. Akira-san..." her voice seemed to leave her.
Hikaru's chest ached.
"Come, come," she pulled him along. "He's in the salon."
She pulled him to the house's main hall. He looked down one way...
There was still blood on the floor and wall. It was real. It had really happened.
She slid open a door, and pushed him inside. His legs were like rubber, so he just did as she directed. "Akira-san, look. Shindou-kun is here."
It felt beyond unreal. The room was traditional, bright, and mostly empty, except for one low couch, and a goban in the center of the room. It was starkly Japanese. Touya was sitting askew from the goban, looking...
Horrible.
The door slid closed behind him. Well. He came here because... because...
"Hikaru," Touya said, sounding like he was under water. Or under sand. Under feathers? He sounded unlike himself.
Hikaru sat down near Touya. Just. Ok. What the hell was he supposed to say? "I heard... so I came. Touya... what happened?"
Shit, he shouldn't have said that. Touya actually looked amused, though. Probably thinking something like... That idiot can never control his tongue. "I... I was in the shower. I'd gotten home late the night before, so. So I was in the shower. When I came out... she was." He swallowed hard. "She was slumped against the wall. She'd... she'd taken a knife from the kitchen. It was a wedding present. I don't remember who gave it to us, though. It was a gift. She cut up her arms, and then she slit her own throat."
He had to be in shock or something, because he managed to say it all fairly calmly. "Wow. I didn't even know a person could slit their own throat."
Damn it! There he went again.
Touya looked at him balefully. "Apparently," he said quietly. "She was... she was standing outside the baby's room. Kyouko might have seen it. I don't know... how far, how well she can see... but it was her own mother..."
"She couldn't have understood," Hikaru said, trying to be reassuring, but he really didn't know. How did baby's brains work, what they did and didn't understand. Touya's kid might end up with a complex or something someday. Well, she was Touya's kid.
Wait, that was mean. He shouldn't think mean things right now.
Touya looked at him, his eyes slightly unfocused and a little wet. It was such an unTouya way to look. Hikaru felt sicker and sicker. "There was a note. On. On the pillow. On her bed." Her bed? Hikaru guessed it wasn't too uncommon for married people to have separate beds. One bed was better, though. "She had a lover, it seems. I didn't know. I thought... I thought she... she understood, she was satisfied... Well. Anyway, she had a lover. She... she thought that Kyouko was his child. She wanted. She wanted to leave to be with him, but he... he wanted to be sure, he wanted a test, paternity test. I don't know when she got the results, but. Kyouko is my daughter, and when her lover found out, he. I don't know if he left her, or what, but he said he wouldn't take a man's child away from him. I don't know, maybe it was just an excuse for him, maybe he just wanted to get away, or maybe he's... some kind of nice guy or whatever. But. She decided... she couldn't live..." Touya's voice broke.
Hikaru reached out for Touya, but Touya flinched away from him. It was just an impulse, a reaction. Because Touya was hurting. Damn it all. It was too soon or something, right?
"You heard? What, is it... like...?" Touya asked him, looking fragile.
Needy.
Damn it. "Waya told me. I think he... he heard from Ashiwara's friend," he shortened the chain. Touya wouldn't want people talking about this. Of course not.
But they would.
"You have something on your pants," Touya said, pointing.
Hikaru looked down at his pants leg. Ah. "That's udon. I was... holding some udon when I heard, and... I dropped..."
That happened only a little while ago.
"You were at a restaurant?" Touya asked, frowning a little. Looking down.
Hm. "N-no..."
"Ah."
They were silent for a moment.
"This is stupid," Hikaru sighed. He moved closer, and once again reached out to pull Touya into his arms. Touya, though, pulled back. "What?" Hikaru asked, maybe a bit too aggressively.
"I don't want you touch me and then... then go home to..." Touya floundered.
Hikaru felt a small flare of anger burn through him, but then it was gone. He was just too cold and sick to burn, maybe. Something like that. "What are you saying, Touya? You want me to break up with Shigemi before I can touch you?"
"Yes," Touya replied, too quickly and too calmly. After he heard himself, he turned a bit red. "I want... I want you to call me Akira. I don't want you to be here and hold my hand while I cry and then... then once everything's calm, to just... just go again. I want..."
There was a word on the tip of Touya's tongue, but he wouldn't say it and Hikaru didn't want him to, either. "I've never heard you ask for something so selfish before," he commented. "You were a married man this morning, you know." Touya looked up, angry and flustered. Hikaru couldn't help smiling a bit. "Damn it..." He dug his phone out of his pocket and poked at it until he could figure out how to dial Shigemi. "I can't believe I'm doing this."
Touya stared at him. Maybe he was fighting the urge to tell Hikaru to 'Wait!' or maybe he just didn't believe that Hikaru would do it.
"Shigemi?" he said as Shigemi answered, though Shigemi knew it was him. He was worried.
Hikaru started to feel sicker. Like he might really throw up. He looked into Touya's eyes. He didn't think there was anything especially beautiful about Touya, but something about him had always had Hikaru transfixed. It was like some damned spell.
"Yeah, I'm sorry... I'm... I'm at Touya's. His wife... died today. It was suicide."
He couldn't believe he was doing this, either. He had a flash in his mind, some BL manga Akari had made him read once. The 'straight' guy made the guy who was in love with him break up with his boyfriend over the phone, or something. Shigemi sounded concerned. Hikaru didn't want to do this.
He looked into Touya's eyes.
"Look, I'm sorry this is so abrupt, but... I'm not coming home tonight. And. And I think it's... I think we should end this."
It was awful, awfully quiet for a moment, everywhere.
Shigemi started to say something, but Hikaru just couldn't focus on the words. Touya leaned closer to him.
"I'm really sorry. I really am. It has to be this way. It's... it's just got to end. I'm really sorry." He should say something else, but he didn't know what. He'd actually never dumped anyone before, naturally. He was usually the one left behind. And he hated, hated being left behind. So, why was he doing this to someone he... someone he...
He couldn't complete that thought.
"Shigemi. I'm sorry." He hung up. And. He silenced his phone. His head was pounding, he felt sick, and his heart was thudding painfully in his chest. This was the worst. The worst possible day, ever.
Touya scooted closer to him, and put his forehead down on Hikaru's shoulder. "I can't believe you did that," he said hollowly.
Hikaru wanted to laugh, or maybe hit him. "Yeah, me, neither. But you're not the one who should say so. Jerk."
It was quiet for another few moments, and then slowly, Touya's shoulders started to shake, and then wracking sobs started to tear out of him. Hikaru angled himself better, and slowly, carefully, wrapped his arms around Touya's body.
He didn't know how long it was, but after a bit, the door to the salon slid open again, and Touya-san peeked inside. She seemed to have a tray with tea, but rather than interrupt them, she just slipped it in, and closed the door again. The light in the room seemed unnaturally bright, and the darkness outside the window seemed abnormally deep. He held Touya for as long as Touya needed him, but by the time they sipped at the tea, Touya still leaning against him, the darkness outside wasn't quite so deep and the tea was cold.
It was late the next afternoon when Hikaru, still wearing pants decorated with udon returned to his apartment. He looked down as he slipped his shoes off, somewhat carelessly.
There was another pair of shoes still there.
He didn't call out that he was home, but that was only because he couldn't make his voice work at first. Still, it didn't matter much. Shigemi was sitting on the arm of the couch, just... waiting for him, it seemed. He looked awful, like Hikaru felt. Neither of them, clearly, had slept last night. For one absurd second, Hikaru considered just taking Shigemi into his arms, taking off his clothes, taking a bath with him, and then curling up together to sleep.
He looked away, because he had to; the kitchen was a damned mess. There were broken dishes and bottles all over the floor and counters. He almost smiled at the sight of it.
"That's... I had a bit of a temper tantrum last night. I'm sorry for that. I'll clean it up." Hikaru shook his head, but he still couldn't quite talk. "You have to talk to me. You can't possibly have meant that last night."
Hikaru's heart dropped.
He closed his eyes, and rubbed his face a bit. It was different than just being tired. It was like he didn't have enough blood pumping through his body. Or his blood pressure was too low. Something was wrong with his blood. He needed to hibernate. Except.
He promised Touya he would come back once he'd had a chance to shower and change his clothes. Touya had been interviewed by the police again that morning. And they had to talk to a funeral director. And. To Ami's family.
He had to talk to Shigemi. He had to say something.
"Look. I. This isn't. This isn't..." What he wanted? Something he planned? Expected? What difference did that make? "I... I never wanted to hurt you. I'm so sorry."
"If you don't want to hurt me then why are you doing this!?" Shigemi shouted, his voice getting louder with each word. He stood up, his hands balled into fists at his side. His whole body seemed to be vibrating.
Hikaru hoped Shigemi would hit him.
"Just because he said so? He breaks up with you on a whim of his father's, and now that he's single again, you just have to rush back to his side?!" Shigemi was building up quite a bit of steam. His arms were still as stone at his sides, though.
If Hikaru started to cry, though, Shigemi might hit him. He might not be able to stop himself. "I went there myself. I don't really know what will happen next. But I. I have to. He needs me, so." Hikaru helplessly shrugged.
"Why does he have to be so goddamned important anyway!?" Shigemi yelled. The neighbors could probably hear him, but Hikaru didn't care.
"I wonder that myself. I asked myself that a million times, after he got married. But I can't help it. Maybe it's in my DNA or something. I know this is cruel, and I hate it..." He bit his lip. Since he was the one doing the breaking up, he wasn't allowed to feel sorry for himself, was he? "But he needs me."
Shigemi snapped, but he just snatched Hikaru by the collar. "He doesn't deserve you! I love you! I would never, never hurt you! I'll be faithful to you until we're both dead! So choose me! Be with me!" Hot tears poured down Shigemi's cheeks.
Hikaru wanted to lick his cheeks clean. He wanted to hold this young man in his arms until all his pain vanished, and comfort him. He wanted to put his hands into that messy, beautiful hair and stroke it smooth again. He would never get to do any of those things again, it seemed. It was physically painful. It was the worst feeling, totally different than the numb, aching feeling of watching Touya at his wedding reception. This pain was bright and burning. He was causing this pain for Shigemi. It was a million times worse. He wanted to stop this.
"That would be the smart thing to do," Hikaru said, his voice breaking. He wanted to touch Shigemi. He wanted to feel Shigemi's skin. He wanted to hold him. "I agree with you, completely, on all counts. I really hate this. I'm sorry. I've hurt you. I... I should never have touched you. I'm so sorry.
"The thing is... I love him. And he needs me."
Shigemi stared at him, and Hikaru could see the strength draining from Shigemi's body, bit by bit. "But...But... Sensei... I... I need you, too..."
Hikaru smiled a bit, and selfishly raised his hand to touch Shigemi's cheek. "I know. But you're stronger than he is. You'll move on. You'll be ok without me. Maybe it's just my own delusion. But.
"I love him. And he needs me. So. I have no choice."
It felt that way, but that was unfair to all three of them. Touya's pride would cripple if he heard Hikaru say that. Probably. It wasn't right to feel the way he felt. None of it seemed right.
Shigemi's shoulders began to quiver, and his head slowly lowered, until all Hikaru could see was his dull, messy hair. It was still beautiful hair, though. Suddenly, Shigemi started to beat Hikaru's chest, but it was like the fight in him had been killed. Finally, Shigemi just leaned his head against Hikaru's chest.
"I hate him," Shigemi complained, his voice shaking.
"I hate myself," Hikaru muttered under his breath. He didn't even have the right to tell Shigemi not to feel the way he did. He had every right.
He resented Touya a bit himself, even as he loved him.
It was late, past dinner time when he slipped back into Touya's house. He had said he'd be back in time to eat, but he doubted anyone waited for him. He wasn't hungry, anyway. He'd helped Shigemi pack up his things, and clean up the kitchen. It was surprising how much Shigemi had at Hikaru's place, except that it wasn't. He ended up giving Shigemi his goban (though, not the one that had been his grandfather's) and a few of his shirts that Shigemi liked. He called a cab for Shigemi and rode with him home, so he could pay for the cab. Shigemi wouldn't let him help take his things up to his old room in his parents' house, though. Shigemi said it casually, like a joke, but Hikaru thought it might be true that Shigemi's father would beat the crap out of him once he found out that Hikaru had broken Shigemi's heart.
Though, he half-heartedly wished someone would beat the shit out of him.
The front door wasn't locked, but Ashiwara's and Ogata-sensei's cars were still in front of the house, so Hikaru knew that Touya-san had to still be there, too. That was why he tested the door first. There was no point in causing a fuss if he could just let himself in, after all. Most of the house was dark, like twilight had slipped into night without being noticed by those inside. When Hikaru stepped into the hall, he felt a dark chill sweep into him, biting all the way to his bones.
He looked down to where the blood still stained the floor and wall. That crazy bitch... she had sliced herself up pretty damned good, hadn't she? Hikaru wrapped his arms around himself, but for a moment, he just couldn't move. What had she been thinking, standing in front of her baby's room, her husband in the shower? Holding a knife that was a wedding present? Anyway, who gave knives as presents? That had to be bad luck. Ami certainly had nothing but bad luck. Hikaru suddenly felt it. What it was like to despair, to just want to die. To want anything to stop the pain, even death.
Shivering, he turned his back to that side of the hall, and walked the other way, hoping like hell that was where everyone was. He heard voices inside the master bedroom, so he tried in there.
Touya was sitting on the edge of the bed, clutching the edge like he might fall off. His mother was sitting next to him, and Ashiwara and Ogata-sensei were standing near. They all looked startled when he entered, but Touya-san warmly smiled at him. Even this room was dark, with only the beside lamp lit. Kyouko's crib had been moved into the master bedroom, to get it away from the... crime scene.
Hikaru leaned back against the wall near the door, not feeling like inserting himself any closer.
"You're late," Touya-san smiled at him encouragingly. "Have you eaten? If you're hungry..."
"Ah, I'm fine," Hikaru cut her off, forcing himself to smile a bit. "More than that, it's late for everyone here. What's the plan?"
Ogata-sensei, Ashiwara, and Touya-san all exchanged looks. Touya grunted. "My mother thinks I should move back home. To the family home."
Hikaru didn't want to look back at that damned hallway, but he could think of a million reasons why everyone but Touya would think that was a good idea. "Great. We can just grab what you and Kyouko need for a few days to start out."
Ogata-sensei actually smirked. Touya looked up at him, shocked. "What? But... but this is my house. I can't just..." He waved his arms about uselessly.
"Why not?" Hikaru shrugged.
"It doesn't have to be forever!" Ashiwara quickly interjected, clearly cast in the role of peacemaker. "But... this is a stressful time..."
"So why make things more stressful? Moving things around, going to a new place..." Touya started.
Hikaru could recognize when Touya was being stubborn just because he was too entrenched to stop being stubborn. "We're talking about going to your mom's house. The house you grew up in. Not some... business trip to Sapporo or something. Anyway, nothing good can come of sticking around here," Hikaru muttered, looking at the door he'd been careful to close behind him.
"Shindou-kun is right," Touya-san sighed. "This place is just... covered in death," she lowered her voice, looking away as if she were saying something shameful.
"Do you think after everything else, Ami is going to haunt me now?" Touya scoffed.
Scoffed at his own mother!
"I wouldn't put it past the bitch," Ogata-sensei grumbled.
"O-Ogata!" Ashiwara sputtered. "No, no, no one is saying anything like that, b-but...!"
"I'm not going to be chased out of my own home," Touya said coldly.
"You're an ass," Hikaru retorted, equally coldly.
At least that shocked Touya enough to make him shut up for a moment.
"It was a suicide. That's a perfect recipe for a haunting. The blood hasn't even been cleaned off yet, for fuck's sake," Hikaru shivered a bit. What the hell was Touya thinking?! Who wanted to stay in a place like this?
"Hikaru, language," Touya corrected him half-heartedly. Oh, damn, Touya-san was here! Hikaru blushed a bit. "Anyway, there's no such thing as ghosts. You can't honestly tell me you believe in things like that?" Touya challenged him.
Hikaru wanted to slap him across the face. "It would be impossible for me not to believe," he sighed.
"Huh? What does that mean?" Touya asked, confused.
He wasn't getting into this. He pushed away from the wall, but he didn't really move closer to Touya. "Anyway, you're still being an ass. Forget about your stupid pride and stubbornness for a second. This isn't about you. You're a single parent now, Touya. You have to start thinking about what's best for Kyouko, first and foremost. Is staying in the house where her mother killed herself best for Kyouko? Is living here, with you, best? Are you going to take a leave for a couple of years from the Institute so you can care for her everyday? Or are you going to force your mother to come all the way over here daily? She's willing to help out, so you're lucky. You don't have to do this alone. But it's not fair to your mother to treat her like the hired help. You brat. Isn't going to your mother's just going to be the easiest, best thing for your daughter?"
Touya stared at him, but slowly, his resolve started to waver, and then he looked down at the floor. "I feel like a failure," he muttered.
"Well, it would be hard to say you're a great success right now," Hikaru agreed.
A bit too quickly. Damn, his resentment was showing. Touya-san gave him a strange look, and Ashiwara whined at him.
Touya looked him in the eye.
"Will you come back with me?" he asked quietly.
Hikaru narrowed his eyes, and stared right back at Touya.
Damn it.
It really felt like he had no choice...
"I might as well," Hikaru agreed, looking away.
Waya had been giving him concerned looks for a few days now. He insisted on taking Hikaru out for dinner, and spent the whole time chattering until Hikaru was sure that Waya himself didn't know what he was saying. He just let his friend chatter, though. There was a certain kind of comfort to it. Even though he told Touya he would 'go back' home with him, he wasn't about to leave his apartment, which Touya seemed to resent. Hikaru had pleasant conversations with Touya-san, but things with her son seemed to get more challenging every day.
Hikaru... did not want to be thinking about Touya when they weren't together, though. It was enough that he had to think about him when they were.
It only occurred to him that Waya might have a specific reason that day for trying to be comforting as he was unlocking the door to the studio for his study group. Shigemi would definitely be there, right? Hikaru hadn't seen him since he dropped him off at his parents'. He unlocked the door, but he didn't open it right away. He had the bad feeling, too, that Waya knew why he was hesitating. He didn't want to turn and see Waya looking at him sympathetically, so he opened the door and switched the light on, forcing himself to pretend that nothing was unusual. Waya helped him set up, too, which he usually said was a job for the lower dans among them.
It was really starting to get on Hikaru's nerves.
The first people to come were his insei students. With just those three, the rooms suddenly seemed noisy and full of life, but that was to be expected as the pro exam was about to begin. He got chatting with Chika-chan about her bad habit of telegraphing her endgame, so he didn't even notice that they were a full complement at first. He didn't notice when Shigemi came in at all. Of course, Shigemi usually never came in quietly. At least... well, lately, Shigemi arrived with Hikaru, but even before, when they hadn't been... living together, and Shigemi came on his own, he never entered quietly.
When he felt the light touch to his elbow, then, and heard Shigemi quietly say, "Sensei," he practically jumped in his skin. He wanted to be cool about it all, but he just hadn't been prepared.
He was even less prepared when he turned to face Shigemi.
"You cut your hair!" he cried out, his hand already reaching over to touch Shigemi's short hair, his fingers entangled before he realized...
Shit.
It wasn't like Shigemi looked bad, by any stretch of the imagination. His face looked more open, and his beautiful eyes were more exposed. He looked, honestly, like an idol or something. He also looked a bit more mature.
Shigemi just smiled softly, painfully at him. "Well... it seemed like it was a time of change." His voice wasn't accusatory, but Hikaru let his hand drop, feeling guilty none the less. Shigemi saw right through him, as always, so Hikaru could see that his guilt didn't displease Shigemi. "Sensei. I was wondering. Well. I don't know if you realized it, but I have my first official match against Touya-meijin this week..." His voice trailed off.
Hikaru's eyes widened a bit. He knew that Touya was resuming his matches this week - not that taking two weeks off for bereavement was much at all. Most people expected him to take much, much more time. Damned stubborn oaf...
"Well, let's sit down and talk about that, then," Hikaru nodded, gesturing over to the goban the furthest over. He sat down comfortably, completely aware of Shigemi's body as he placed himself opposite Hikaru. He had the strongest damned urge to reach across and touch Shigemi, somehow, take his hands or...
Whatever, it was his own damned choice, he had to swallow it.
"I know I don't have any chance, but I'd like to put up a good fight," Shigemi laughed softly. Waya was coming to sit near Hikaru, and a few others were sitting close enough to listen, too. This was a damned awkward way to have their first post-break-up conversation. It was damned awkward to just be post-break-up.
"Well, don't go in assuming you'll lose," Hikaru advised. That, at least, was easy. He could give advice still. "Don't go in with any assumptions, at all. He'll be the one making assumptions. He tends to underestimate players ranked lower than him. It won't be too obvious in his play, but it's there, anyway. Actually," Hikaru grinned. Touya only had one match next week. He'd been bitching about being only given one match, after all. It was while Hikaru had a match himself, and not even in the same location. It was a damned pity. "I wish I could watch the match. I look forward to seeing the kifu."
Shigemi gave him an odd look, which did nothing to help Hikaru with his desire to touch the other man.
"You and he have very similar strengths. You're both able to look deeply onto the board, and read hands far in advance. His experience will be a formidable opponent for you, but you tend to think a bit more creatively. He doesn't like to take risks, especially as the game goes on. That's something you can take advantage of, if you can prepare yourself properly. But, you also have to remember. He might not take many risks, but he also won't make any mistakes. You can't count on any opportune moments to occur, so you have to build your own moments." He started to lay out the stones, preparing to give Shigemi some problems from some of Touya's past games to practice.
This one... was particularly poignant, as Sai was Touya's opponent. But, it was a good teaching tool, too.
"It's probably a good time to be playing him, Shigemi-kun," Hiroto suggested, elbowing Shigemi in a friendly way. "He's probably shook up still from his wife's..."
"Hiroto!" More than one girl in the group chastised him immediately. Hikaru and Waya couldn't help laughing.
"What?!" Hiroto turned, looked sheepish. "I didn't mean it in, like, a bad way..."
"Of course not," Hikaru smiled. "You meant for Shigemi to take advantage of an opponent's grief in a good way..."
"Ah... I...!" Hiroto stammered.
"Eh," Shigemi leaned back, looking at straight at Hikaru. "Who knows what that guy is feeling, anyway."
Hikaru didn't give anyone else a chance to question Shigemi in what he might have meant. "In general, you should use whatever weapons your opponent will give you, even psychological ones. Any girl playing a guy who might be attracted to her who doesn't occasionally bat her eyes or smile at him during a game would be a fool, for example. But, in this case, it's useless to try to use something like that," he emphasized, looking Shigemi in the eye, "against an opponent like Touya. That guy is a champ at setting everything else aside and focusing on the board in front of him. You're all mostly too young to fully appreciate it, but his father, Touya Kouyo, was one of the greatest players ever for keeping calm and focused, after all. Touya is his father's son. Whatever he's feeling, at any time, you can't count on that helping you in the game. So, just focus on the stones."
Shigemi held his gaze for a moment longer before he directed his attention to the problem Hikaru set before him. What Hikaru just said was true, but it was also true that Shigemi probably had a few weapons for unbalancing Touya during a match. Still. In the long run, he'd be better served by focusing on his go, anyway.
They went through several problems. Each time, Hikaru did his best to show Shigemi, and everyone, really, how Touya typically reacted and built his hands. Their session went a bit long, since everyone seemed very interested in what Hikaru and Shigemi were discussing. Slowly, though, the group began to disperse on its own, as people broke off in twos and threes as the hour grew later and later. Eventually, it was only Hikaru, Waya, and Shigemi.
It made Hikaru's chest ache a bit. Sessions typically ended with the three of them being the only ones left...
Shigemi and Hikaru were still seated opposite one another, but when it was finally just the three of them, Shigemi smirked.
"Be honest. What are my chances of winning?" he asked.
"Mm," Hikaru pondered it. It wasn't as if he could give Shigemi a percentage or something. His mind just didn't work that way, even. But, Shigemi deserved an answer. "Well. Let's just say... if I find out that you've won, I won't be shocked, by a long shot. Though... you probably won't win."
Shigemi laughed, and leaned back on his hands. "It's a bit too soon. It seems a little unfair. I doubt there will ever be a time in my life when I'll want to beat him more," he sighed.
Damn it.
"Well, use that. But keep yourself sharp. Don't get distracted," Hikaru said, but he felt like he was just listing off platitudes at that point.
Shigemi winked at him. "Right, right, gotcha, sen~sei. I'll do my best. Thank you. I... wasn't sure you'd actually instruct me."
Hikaru blinked. "Well, you are my student. Nothing... nothing changes that."
"Are you going to give him pointers on me?" Shigemi asked sharply.
"Touya's way past the point of getting pointers from me," Hikaru laughed. "He's a fellow title-holder. He's my rival. I would not help my rival beat my student. That would make me a poor rival and teacher."
Shigemi tilted his head, regarding Hikaru carefully. "I wish... I could have been your rival," he said wistfully.
Turning bright red at his age was well beyond embarrassing, so Hikaru developed a sudden cough, and he shifted to get to his feet. "In any case... ah... I really do expect it to be an excellent match. I wish I didn't have to be somewhere else. I'd forfeit if I could to watch that match."
Waya snorted. "Seriously, we should charge admission," he scoffed.
At least that got Shigemi laughing. "Well, I'll be off. Don't wanna miss the last train. It's... it's good to... Well. Thank you, Sensei." Shigemi smiled sadly, and took his leave.
Hikaru watched his student go, and then flopped down on the tatami mat. Waya poked him a few times in the side with his foot, and then sat down heavily next to him.
"Actually... I was a bit surprised, too. You really didn't hold back, did you? If there was a way to just teach someone how to beat that damned Touya..." he trailed off.
Hikaru couldn't help smiling. That damned Touya. How long had Waya been calling him that? He tried to restrain himself back before... when Hikaru and Touya... Didn't seem like he felt the need to do that now. "Didn't I do the right thing? Isn't that my job as a teacher?"
"Sure, but you've never been the best teacher," Waya laughed.
"Hey!" Hikaru huffed.
"Eh, don't take it the wrong way. What guy our age really is good at that? But as a reigning Honinbou, there's some merit for students just to be close and absorb your play. But this time..."
Hikaru shifted uncomfortably. "Well, whatever. It'll be a good match for Shigemi to learn from," he sighed.
"Yeah," Waya agreed. After a pause, "I really like that kid."
"Damn it, Waya," Hikaru groaned, covering his face with his arm.
Waya laughed, but his heart wasn't in it. "You know... I'm not going to pry details out of you, but... it doesn't seem like you're at all happy."
"Should I be?" Hikaru asked, honestly wondering.
"Well. I guess it would be better if you were. What... what are you doing, Shindou? Are you living with Touya? Are you... are you sure you've... made the right choice?" Waya wasn't looking at him. He was probably damned uncomfortable asking questions like that. Hikaru could sure understand. In a similar situation... though, it was hard to imagine Waya in any kind of similar situation. He'd spent his whole life looking up to Isumi.
A handful of years ago, it was hard for Hikaru to imagine his life without Touya.
"You know... that's a question I really don't want to think about," Hikaru admitted quietly.
He felt like Waya was watching him, but he'd already turned his face away. He felt...
Damned tired.
"Are you going to his house tonight?" Waya asked quietly.
Hikaru hadn't decided. He left things with Touya as it would be a day-to-day thing. He wouldn't promise to move in, and he wasn't about to give up his apartment. He needed... an out, he supposed?
"Not tonight," he decided. He didn't think he could do it.
He'd decided while he was with Shigemi to stop being with one man while thinking of another.
He got 'home' early, though this was not his home. He had a key, for whatever that meant. He called out as he slipped off his shoes, checking. Touya wasn't home yet.
He heard Touya-san call back to him, though, so he headed off to the kitchen. Touya-san was at the table, gently rocking Kyouko in her arms. It looked like the baby fell asleep after her bottle. And Touya-san looked tired.
"Would you like me to brew you some tea, Touya-san?" he asked gently.
"Oh, I couldn't have you do something like that for me," she shook her head.
Hikaru didn't really get it. He didn't think he'd ever done anything like make tea for his mom in her own house, either, but still. "Well, in that case, why don't you let me take her?" He'd rather take away the dirty bottle and let Touya-san relax, but if she wouldn't let him, she wouldn't. He held out his arms, and let her carefully transfer the baby.
"Oh, be careful... Ah, I'm sorry. You're getting to be quite good at this, aren't you?" She smiled at him, and then gently placed her hand on his cheek.
It was a bit embarrassing, such a tender touch. He averted his eyes despite himself. He looked down at the sleeping baby. "I suppose. If I drop her, Touya can still get the deposit back, right?" he tried to joke.
She laughed, but her fist came down on his head lightly. "Don't even make jokes like that!" She shook her head at him. She was still looking at him in that affectionate way mothers did. "You've really grown up to be a handsome young man, haven't you?"
She was trying to make him blush, wasn't she? "If you're going to hit on me, Touya-san, I have to warn you, I've never been much good with girls."
"You're so naughty," she chuckled. She stood up, and put her hand on his head again, ruffling his hair lightly. "I've missed your sense of humor these past few years. I was so grateful when you showed up that night... I know Akira-san was, too, but that child... He can just be so..." she sighed heavily.
"You don't need to make apologies for him," Hikaru said quietly. Kyouko squirmed a bit in her sleep, so Hikaru bounced her a tiny bit. She seemed to resettle. "It's not like I didn't know how he would be, anyway. It's fine, Touya-san. I plan to keep giving him a hard time, still." He winked at her.
She smiled at him, but she looked haunted. "As long as you don't leave..." she sighed again, and then she headed to the sink, carrying the used bottle. As she set it in the sink, her shoulders slumped a bit. "Mm. I don't know quite how to say this... or even if I should. But I've wanted to say it for quite a while. I hope you don't bear any ill will toward Kouyo-san, either. Ah, that man... I tried to make him understand, but he really only saw the stones spread out on the goban. He was afraid, I think. He wanted to make sure that he had done everything he could to provide for Akira-san. It's just..."
Hikaru scowled a bit, and looked down at Kyouko. He brushed the back of his finger over her cheek. It really was amazingly soft. "You don't need to make apologies for him, either. I. I understand, I suppose, what he was thinking." He couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice, though. Sure, he understood. It didn't make anything any easier, though. And, in a chain of events like a series of hands, Touya-sensei's actions led to Hikaru hurting Shigemi.
He must really have been in love with that brat, since that seemed to be the most important thing now.
The air felt unbearably heavy. He knew Touya-san was looking at him, but he couldn't make a joke, or think of anything to say. He wanted to just get up and flee. They'd agreed to wait for Touya to put Kyouko down in her crib. Hikaru felt trapped - by the child in his arms, the house they were in, Touya-san's kindness and concern, but most of all...
"I'm home," Touya called out.
Hikaru practically heaved a sigh of relief.
He stood up slowly, and when Touya came into the kitchen, he passed off the baby, and then scuttled off to the bathroom. He splashed water over his face and rubbed his eyes. He looked at himself in the mirror, and reminded his reflection that he made this choice himself. Talking to himself, though, made him think of Sai, which just made him laugh.
What in the world would Sai think of this situation? Somehow, Hikaru had to think that Sai would want him to support the friend who had been with him his entire go life, but then. What would Sai have thought of Shigemi? He really had to stop that train of thought. It couldn't lead anywhere good!
He came out and found that Touya was already in the salon, sitting in front of the goban. He winked at Touya-san, making sure to smile brightly, and then he followed Touya, and sat opposite him.
"So?" he prodded.
Touya gave him a look, which was somewhat funny. He just wasn't that good at looking menacing outside of a game situation. "Well, I won, of course."
"Of course," Hikaru echoed, smiling softly. He already knew it was a close game, so... "Can I see?"
Touya huffed a bit, though he'd clearly come into the salon to go over the game, but it wasn't hard to figure why he was reluctant, now that Hikaru was here. Unfortunately, Hikaru was curious, and anyway... wasn't Touya being a sore winner about all of this? "Would you normally be interested in my game with a three-dan?" Touya acidly asked.
"I would normally be interested in your game with one of my students, even if he or she was a one-dan," Hikaru retorted patiently.
Finally, Touya started to lay down stones, but he seemed awfully petulant about it. That was one of the things about being go pros. They could read emotions into how their opponents even handled their stones.
"I'm also interested in what you thought of him," Hikaru added quietly. Touya's hand stopped moving, and he was looking at Hikaru, deeply affronted. What an ass. "As a player, you idiot."
Touya flushed, and looked away. "See for yourself," he stubbornly insisted, and went back to laying down the stones.
Touya was practically throwing the stones down, so it was a somewhat interesting way to watch a game develop, as if it were being fast-forwarded. Their difference in strength was pretty obvious in the beginning, when Touya's confident hands overshadowed Shigemi's more cautious play. As the game developed, though, it became clear that Shigemi was using layered strategies to keep Touya guessing. As they entered the endgame, there was even a good chance that Shigemi could have won. Hikaru put his hand out to stop Touya from continuing.
"If you and I played from this point on, I could definitely win," Hikaru smiled.
Touya narrowed his eyes. "I wasn't playing you."
That made Hikaru chuckle. Touya was so damned defensive. "You underestimated him. I think I warned you about that once, mm?"
Touya took a deep breath, and looked away. "He made a slight mistake, a few hands after this. It wasn't a large mistake, something not at all uncommon for someone his age, I suppose. I only won by two moku, so if he hadn't made that error..."
Hikaru felt immensely proud of Shigemi, but he'd keep that sentiment to himself. "I guess the next time you play him, you won't hold back." That match, too, would be worth watching.
Grunting, Touya resumed putting down stones. "He had a great skill for reading the board. His moves have depth, but he doesn't give the impression he's too concerned. He has great instincts."
"Ha, sounds like you're talking about yourself!" Hikaru teased. Touya gave him a sharp look, so Hikaru winked. "Even the first time I played him, I thought he played a lot like you."
"Is that why you were so interested in him?" Touya asked, though he sounded like he didn't really want to hear the answer.
"No," Hikaru replied honestly. "I probably wouldn't have been so interested in him if he hadn't been a strong player, but I had already become interested before we played." That was... maybe too much honesty.
"So. It was because he's so beautiful," Touya replied resentfully.
"Mm, maybe," Hikaru shrugged. This conversation was going down an unpleasant path. "You seemed to lose some focus around the midgame?"
Touya just watched him for a moment, and then he snorted. "That's probably about when that brat was detailing the various sexual positions you favored."
Hikaru didn't react for a moment, and then he burst out laughing. Touya was just getting huffier, though, so he had to control himself. "Sorry, sorry... one of my younger students thought that Shigemi could take advantage of your... well, grief, but I told him not to bank on something cheap like that. I did think at the time, though, that he might have some other psychological weapons he could use... Crap, I hope no one could overhear him!"
Touya was definitely not enjoying this as much as Hikaru was. "No... they had some rescheduled matches, so they were pretty filled up. They, er, set up our match in a private room."
"Must be nice," Hikaru teased. Well, they would have done the same thing for him, in a similar circumstance. A title-holder, and major player, who was just coming off a too-short break for bereavement...
Touya just glared at him, and continued. "He was rather... graphic at points. Seems like the two of you were rather. Mm. Passionate."
"You and I were, at one time, too," Hikaru said quietly. Admittedly... he was probably more sexually adventurous with Shigemi. That brat seemed to be experienced, though Hikaru never pressed him too much for details. And. They had been rather compatible. But. He and Touya... had been, too. They'd just been younger, and maybe more innocent. They'd always been so focused on go, thinking they had all the time in the world.
They both sighed. They looked at each other, and Hikaru couldn't help grinning.
"Do you... prefer that, now? Someone... beautiful?" Touya asked, very quietly.
It was disturbing to see him behaving meekly. "I've made my choice," Hikaru stated, perhaps a bit too harshly. "It's not really a question of preference."
Touya tapped a white stone on the edge of the board, his brow furrowed. "Your choice, mm? But you don't seem too happy about it."
Damn it, it was bad enough to have Waya worrying about his happiness... This was going to start to annoy him, and then he might say something he didn't really mean. "You can't really say this situation is primed for happiness. You didn't choose me, after all. Your wife just chose to die."
...Something like that. He didn't mean to say something so cruel.
Touya flinched, and put his head in his hand. After a few awkward moments, he sighed again. "I really hate to admit it... but I ended up liking that damned brat."
Hikaru blinked. He... honestly hadn't expected Touya to say something so... pure. "Ah. I'm glad. You can both benefit from playing each other... I've thought so all along." He blushed. Damn it all.
He was thinking things he shouldn't.
"Boys! Dinner is ready!" Touya-san called out.
Hikaru grinned at Touya, and stood up, holding out a hand to help Touya up, too.
"You still call him by his given name," Touya said quietly, when they were standing nose to nose, and he had Touya's hand in his. "But you haven't called me by mine since..."
Hikaru turned and pulled Touya along with him. "C'mon. Let's not keep your mom waiting."
Continue
Shigemi was doing the 'noodle' dance as he cleaned the table. Well, it wasn't really like he had different dances for different types of food, but he had different dances, and they were having udon tonight, so. It was a noodle dance. Shigemi had dragged him off to Kaoi High School's Go Club to give a talk, and they'd run really late. Shigemi had been encouraging the students, of course. Such a brat.
His butt looked really cute when he wiggled it like that, though.
They'd picked up dinner on the way home, so Shigemi was cleaning up and Hikaru was transferring the udon from the take-out containers to real bowls, which was something that was necessary for reasons that Hikaru assumed were intended to be mysterious. The phone rang, but Shigemi's butt looked too cute to make him stop, so he answered it.
"Shindou?"
"Waya? What's up?" he asked. Shigemi looked at him over his shoulder, but then he went back to work. Well, mostly he was just dancing now, right? The table had to be clean by now, right?
"Ah... you haven't heard, right?"
Hikaru furrowed his brow. That was annoying. "Haven't heard what, Waya?"
"...Touya's wife committed suicide this morning."
Hikaru dropped the take-out container he was holding. He nearly dropped the phone he was cradling against his neck. "Wh... What did you just say?" Shigemi turned to look at him, but Hikaru couldn't focus.
"I don't know any details. Morishita-sensei just told me. It happened this morning, it seems. At home. I... I thought you'd want to know."
Hikaru probably made a noise. He hung up the phone, and just... put it down somewhere. This didn't make any sense. They just had a baby! Well, they did a while ago, but still. Didn't babies make women happy? Oh... not all the time, right? Was that it? Hikaru couldn't remember what that was called, when women weren't happy after giving birth. He never thought about Ami at all. She was blandly beautiful in a Japanese kind of way, and she was a bitch. That was all he needed to know about her. More than he needed to know.
"Sensei?" Hikaru jumped when Shigemi touched his arm. Oh, right.
"I've got to go." That was right. Yes. He had to go. He knew where Touya's house was... well, he had the address somewhere. In his phone? Probably. Maybe. It didn't matter. He turned, and grabbed his keys and phone.
"Wait, what happened? What's going on?" Shigemi tugged on his arm.
He just... couldn't, not right now. He couldn't even say it out loud. It couldn't be a joke because Waya would never do something like that, but it wasn't real. It couldn't be. "I've got to go."
That was all he could say.
He should have called for a cab. Actually, he should have bought a car when his mother suggested it a few years back, as long as he was being retrospectively critical of himself. He should have been a better friend to Touya. Even if Touya was an ass, before they were lovers, they were friends, and they hadn't been friends in years. They should have been, even though it seemed impossible. They should have been, because something terrible just happened to Touya.
Shit.
Anyway, it was pointless to call a cab, because he didn't know the address and it probably wasn't in his phone because Shigemi had programmed his phone and Shigemi didn't know Touya's address, right? But Hikaru did know how to get there. Touya bought the house just before he got married. The night before Touya's wedding... that was where Hikaru had...
That was a long time ago. Touya's wedding. And now, his wife... That day, she had looked happy. Their house was nice. But, Hikaru didn't know Ami at all. That bitch. She probably wasn't, though, was she? Or, even if she was... she wasn't anymore.
Damn it.
Taking the train, and walking from the station, it took him nearly an hour. What time was it now? He had no way to know. Shigemi and he were going to eat dinner. But, he didn't feel hungry. He felt sick. Sick right down to his bones. Once he turned on Touya's street, he knew which house it was, because Ogata-sensei's flashy yellow sports car was in front. He recognized one of the other cars, too, so that had to be Ashiwara's car, right? He'd gotten a ride from him with Waya and Saeki once, right? Not that it really mattered now.
Suicide.
It was real, wasn't it?
It was just exactly when he pressed his finger to the doorbell that he realized how bizarre it was for him to show up at Touya's doorstop the day his wife died. Bizarre, but... what else was he supposed to do!? He had to be here, right?
Ogata-sensei opened the door, and scowled a bit. "What are you doing here?"
"I heard... I just." He wasn't going to force his way into Touya's house, but he wasn't going to be put off by Ogata-sensei either.
"Shindou-kun?" Ashiwara peeked around Ogata-sensei, and pushed him out of the way slightly. "Is that you? News travels, huh?"
Like some kind of revelation, Hikaru just understood it. Ashiwara told Saeki who told Morishita-sensei who told Waya. Hikaru's head started to pound. Since Ashiwara had given him an opening, he slipped inside to the genkan. "That it does," he said under his breath, toeing his shoes off.
"This isn't a tourist spot," Ogata-sensei growled.
Hikaru got that he was being protective, though it was a side of Ogata-sensei that only reared its ugly head at the most inconvenient moments. He glared at the older man, but before he said anything, someone else came to the door.
"Shindou-kun? Is that you?" He looked up, feeling a rush of cold water go right through him. Damn it all... Touya-san looked tired, and weak. That was right, her daughter-in-law died. The mother of her grandchild.
"T-Touya-san. I'm... I'm so sorry..." he fumbled for what to say. What did anyone say at a time like this? It was impossible.
"Oh, thank goodness," she said, reaching out for him. She took Hikaru by both arms and pulled him into the house proper, smiling at him. "I'm so glad to see you. Akira-san..." her voice seemed to leave her.
Hikaru's chest ached.
"Come, come," she pulled him along. "He's in the salon."
She pulled him to the house's main hall. He looked down one way...
There was still blood on the floor and wall. It was real. It had really happened.
She slid open a door, and pushed him inside. His legs were like rubber, so he just did as she directed. "Akira-san, look. Shindou-kun is here."
It felt beyond unreal. The room was traditional, bright, and mostly empty, except for one low couch, and a goban in the center of the room. It was starkly Japanese. Touya was sitting askew from the goban, looking...
Horrible.
The door slid closed behind him. Well. He came here because... because...
"Hikaru," Touya said, sounding like he was under water. Or under sand. Under feathers? He sounded unlike himself.
Hikaru sat down near Touya. Just. Ok. What the hell was he supposed to say? "I heard... so I came. Touya... what happened?"
Shit, he shouldn't have said that. Touya actually looked amused, though. Probably thinking something like... That idiot can never control his tongue. "I... I was in the shower. I'd gotten home late the night before, so. So I was in the shower. When I came out... she was." He swallowed hard. "She was slumped against the wall. She'd... she'd taken a knife from the kitchen. It was a wedding present. I don't remember who gave it to us, though. It was a gift. She cut up her arms, and then she slit her own throat."
He had to be in shock or something, because he managed to say it all fairly calmly. "Wow. I didn't even know a person could slit their own throat."
Damn it! There he went again.
Touya looked at him balefully. "Apparently," he said quietly. "She was... she was standing outside the baby's room. Kyouko might have seen it. I don't know... how far, how well she can see... but it was her own mother..."
"She couldn't have understood," Hikaru said, trying to be reassuring, but he really didn't know. How did baby's brains work, what they did and didn't understand. Touya's kid might end up with a complex or something someday. Well, she was Touya's kid.
Wait, that was mean. He shouldn't think mean things right now.
Touya looked at him, his eyes slightly unfocused and a little wet. It was such an unTouya way to look. Hikaru felt sicker and sicker. "There was a note. On. On the pillow. On her bed." Her bed? Hikaru guessed it wasn't too uncommon for married people to have separate beds. One bed was better, though. "She had a lover, it seems. I didn't know. I thought... I thought she... she understood, she was satisfied... Well. Anyway, she had a lover. She... she thought that Kyouko was his child. She wanted. She wanted to leave to be with him, but he... he wanted to be sure, he wanted a test, paternity test. I don't know when she got the results, but. Kyouko is my daughter, and when her lover found out, he. I don't know if he left her, or what, but he said he wouldn't take a man's child away from him. I don't know, maybe it was just an excuse for him, maybe he just wanted to get away, or maybe he's... some kind of nice guy or whatever. But. She decided... she couldn't live..." Touya's voice broke.
Hikaru reached out for Touya, but Touya flinched away from him. It was just an impulse, a reaction. Because Touya was hurting. Damn it all. It was too soon or something, right?
"You heard? What, is it... like...?" Touya asked him, looking fragile.
Needy.
Damn it. "Waya told me. I think he... he heard from Ashiwara's friend," he shortened the chain. Touya wouldn't want people talking about this. Of course not.
But they would.
"You have something on your pants," Touya said, pointing.
Hikaru looked down at his pants leg. Ah. "That's udon. I was... holding some udon when I heard, and... I dropped..."
That happened only a little while ago.
"You were at a restaurant?" Touya asked, frowning a little. Looking down.
Hm. "N-no..."
"Ah."
They were silent for a moment.
"This is stupid," Hikaru sighed. He moved closer, and once again reached out to pull Touya into his arms. Touya, though, pulled back. "What?" Hikaru asked, maybe a bit too aggressively.
"I don't want you touch me and then... then go home to..." Touya floundered.
Hikaru felt a small flare of anger burn through him, but then it was gone. He was just too cold and sick to burn, maybe. Something like that. "What are you saying, Touya? You want me to break up with Shigemi before I can touch you?"
"Yes," Touya replied, too quickly and too calmly. After he heard himself, he turned a bit red. "I want... I want you to call me Akira. I don't want you to be here and hold my hand while I cry and then... then once everything's calm, to just... just go again. I want..."
There was a word on the tip of Touya's tongue, but he wouldn't say it and Hikaru didn't want him to, either. "I've never heard you ask for something so selfish before," he commented. "You were a married man this morning, you know." Touya looked up, angry and flustered. Hikaru couldn't help smiling a bit. "Damn it..." He dug his phone out of his pocket and poked at it until he could figure out how to dial Shigemi. "I can't believe I'm doing this."
Touya stared at him. Maybe he was fighting the urge to tell Hikaru to 'Wait!' or maybe he just didn't believe that Hikaru would do it.
"Shigemi?" he said as Shigemi answered, though Shigemi knew it was him. He was worried.
Hikaru started to feel sicker. Like he might really throw up. He looked into Touya's eyes. He didn't think there was anything especially beautiful about Touya, but something about him had always had Hikaru transfixed. It was like some damned spell.
"Yeah, I'm sorry... I'm... I'm at Touya's. His wife... died today. It was suicide."
He couldn't believe he was doing this, either. He had a flash in his mind, some BL manga Akari had made him read once. The 'straight' guy made the guy who was in love with him break up with his boyfriend over the phone, or something. Shigemi sounded concerned. Hikaru didn't want to do this.
He looked into Touya's eyes.
"Look, I'm sorry this is so abrupt, but... I'm not coming home tonight. And. And I think it's... I think we should end this."
It was awful, awfully quiet for a moment, everywhere.
Shigemi started to say something, but Hikaru just couldn't focus on the words. Touya leaned closer to him.
"I'm really sorry. I really am. It has to be this way. It's... it's just got to end. I'm really sorry." He should say something else, but he didn't know what. He'd actually never dumped anyone before, naturally. He was usually the one left behind. And he hated, hated being left behind. So, why was he doing this to someone he... someone he...
He couldn't complete that thought.
"Shigemi. I'm sorry." He hung up. And. He silenced his phone. His head was pounding, he felt sick, and his heart was thudding painfully in his chest. This was the worst. The worst possible day, ever.
Touya scooted closer to him, and put his forehead down on Hikaru's shoulder. "I can't believe you did that," he said hollowly.
Hikaru wanted to laugh, or maybe hit him. "Yeah, me, neither. But you're not the one who should say so. Jerk."
It was quiet for another few moments, and then slowly, Touya's shoulders started to shake, and then wracking sobs started to tear out of him. Hikaru angled himself better, and slowly, carefully, wrapped his arms around Touya's body.
He didn't know how long it was, but after a bit, the door to the salon slid open again, and Touya-san peeked inside. She seemed to have a tray with tea, but rather than interrupt them, she just slipped it in, and closed the door again. The light in the room seemed unnaturally bright, and the darkness outside the window seemed abnormally deep. He held Touya for as long as Touya needed him, but by the time they sipped at the tea, Touya still leaning against him, the darkness outside wasn't quite so deep and the tea was cold.
It was late the next afternoon when Hikaru, still wearing pants decorated with udon returned to his apartment. He looked down as he slipped his shoes off, somewhat carelessly.
There was another pair of shoes still there.
He didn't call out that he was home, but that was only because he couldn't make his voice work at first. Still, it didn't matter much. Shigemi was sitting on the arm of the couch, just... waiting for him, it seemed. He looked awful, like Hikaru felt. Neither of them, clearly, had slept last night. For one absurd second, Hikaru considered just taking Shigemi into his arms, taking off his clothes, taking a bath with him, and then curling up together to sleep.
He looked away, because he had to; the kitchen was a damned mess. There were broken dishes and bottles all over the floor and counters. He almost smiled at the sight of it.
"That's... I had a bit of a temper tantrum last night. I'm sorry for that. I'll clean it up." Hikaru shook his head, but he still couldn't quite talk. "You have to talk to me. You can't possibly have meant that last night."
Hikaru's heart dropped.
He closed his eyes, and rubbed his face a bit. It was different than just being tired. It was like he didn't have enough blood pumping through his body. Or his blood pressure was too low. Something was wrong with his blood. He needed to hibernate. Except.
He promised Touya he would come back once he'd had a chance to shower and change his clothes. Touya had been interviewed by the police again that morning. And they had to talk to a funeral director. And. To Ami's family.
He had to talk to Shigemi. He had to say something.
"Look. I. This isn't. This isn't..." What he wanted? Something he planned? Expected? What difference did that make? "I... I never wanted to hurt you. I'm so sorry."
"If you don't want to hurt me then why are you doing this!?" Shigemi shouted, his voice getting louder with each word. He stood up, his hands balled into fists at his side. His whole body seemed to be vibrating.
Hikaru hoped Shigemi would hit him.
"Just because he said so? He breaks up with you on a whim of his father's, and now that he's single again, you just have to rush back to his side?!" Shigemi was building up quite a bit of steam. His arms were still as stone at his sides, though.
If Hikaru started to cry, though, Shigemi might hit him. He might not be able to stop himself. "I went there myself. I don't really know what will happen next. But I. I have to. He needs me, so." Hikaru helplessly shrugged.
"Why does he have to be so goddamned important anyway!?" Shigemi yelled. The neighbors could probably hear him, but Hikaru didn't care.
"I wonder that myself. I asked myself that a million times, after he got married. But I can't help it. Maybe it's in my DNA or something. I know this is cruel, and I hate it..." He bit his lip. Since he was the one doing the breaking up, he wasn't allowed to feel sorry for himself, was he? "But he needs me."
Shigemi snapped, but he just snatched Hikaru by the collar. "He doesn't deserve you! I love you! I would never, never hurt you! I'll be faithful to you until we're both dead! So choose me! Be with me!" Hot tears poured down Shigemi's cheeks.
Hikaru wanted to lick his cheeks clean. He wanted to hold this young man in his arms until all his pain vanished, and comfort him. He wanted to put his hands into that messy, beautiful hair and stroke it smooth again. He would never get to do any of those things again, it seemed. It was physically painful. It was the worst feeling, totally different than the numb, aching feeling of watching Touya at his wedding reception. This pain was bright and burning. He was causing this pain for Shigemi. It was a million times worse. He wanted to stop this.
"That would be the smart thing to do," Hikaru said, his voice breaking. He wanted to touch Shigemi. He wanted to feel Shigemi's skin. He wanted to hold him. "I agree with you, completely, on all counts. I really hate this. I'm sorry. I've hurt you. I... I should never have touched you. I'm so sorry.
"The thing is... I love him. And he needs me."
Shigemi stared at him, and Hikaru could see the strength draining from Shigemi's body, bit by bit. "But...But... Sensei... I... I need you, too..."
Hikaru smiled a bit, and selfishly raised his hand to touch Shigemi's cheek. "I know. But you're stronger than he is. You'll move on. You'll be ok without me. Maybe it's just my own delusion. But.
"I love him. And he needs me. So. I have no choice."
It felt that way, but that was unfair to all three of them. Touya's pride would cripple if he heard Hikaru say that. Probably. It wasn't right to feel the way he felt. None of it seemed right.
Shigemi's shoulders began to quiver, and his head slowly lowered, until all Hikaru could see was his dull, messy hair. It was still beautiful hair, though. Suddenly, Shigemi started to beat Hikaru's chest, but it was like the fight in him had been killed. Finally, Shigemi just leaned his head against Hikaru's chest.
"I hate him," Shigemi complained, his voice shaking.
"I hate myself," Hikaru muttered under his breath. He didn't even have the right to tell Shigemi not to feel the way he did. He had every right.
He resented Touya a bit himself, even as he loved him.
It was late, past dinner time when he slipped back into Touya's house. He had said he'd be back in time to eat, but he doubted anyone waited for him. He wasn't hungry, anyway. He'd helped Shigemi pack up his things, and clean up the kitchen. It was surprising how much Shigemi had at Hikaru's place, except that it wasn't. He ended up giving Shigemi his goban (though, not the one that had been his grandfather's) and a few of his shirts that Shigemi liked. He called a cab for Shigemi and rode with him home, so he could pay for the cab. Shigemi wouldn't let him help take his things up to his old room in his parents' house, though. Shigemi said it casually, like a joke, but Hikaru thought it might be true that Shigemi's father would beat the crap out of him once he found out that Hikaru had broken Shigemi's heart.
Though, he half-heartedly wished someone would beat the shit out of him.
The front door wasn't locked, but Ashiwara's and Ogata-sensei's cars were still in front of the house, so Hikaru knew that Touya-san had to still be there, too. That was why he tested the door first. There was no point in causing a fuss if he could just let himself in, after all. Most of the house was dark, like twilight had slipped into night without being noticed by those inside. When Hikaru stepped into the hall, he felt a dark chill sweep into him, biting all the way to his bones.
He looked down to where the blood still stained the floor and wall. That crazy bitch... she had sliced herself up pretty damned good, hadn't she? Hikaru wrapped his arms around himself, but for a moment, he just couldn't move. What had she been thinking, standing in front of her baby's room, her husband in the shower? Holding a knife that was a wedding present? Anyway, who gave knives as presents? That had to be bad luck. Ami certainly had nothing but bad luck. Hikaru suddenly felt it. What it was like to despair, to just want to die. To want anything to stop the pain, even death.
Shivering, he turned his back to that side of the hall, and walked the other way, hoping like hell that was where everyone was. He heard voices inside the master bedroom, so he tried in there.
Touya was sitting on the edge of the bed, clutching the edge like he might fall off. His mother was sitting next to him, and Ashiwara and Ogata-sensei were standing near. They all looked startled when he entered, but Touya-san warmly smiled at him. Even this room was dark, with only the beside lamp lit. Kyouko's crib had been moved into the master bedroom, to get it away from the... crime scene.
Hikaru leaned back against the wall near the door, not feeling like inserting himself any closer.
"You're late," Touya-san smiled at him encouragingly. "Have you eaten? If you're hungry..."
"Ah, I'm fine," Hikaru cut her off, forcing himself to smile a bit. "More than that, it's late for everyone here. What's the plan?"
Ogata-sensei, Ashiwara, and Touya-san all exchanged looks. Touya grunted. "My mother thinks I should move back home. To the family home."
Hikaru didn't want to look back at that damned hallway, but he could think of a million reasons why everyone but Touya would think that was a good idea. "Great. We can just grab what you and Kyouko need for a few days to start out."
Ogata-sensei actually smirked. Touya looked up at him, shocked. "What? But... but this is my house. I can't just..." He waved his arms about uselessly.
"Why not?" Hikaru shrugged.
"It doesn't have to be forever!" Ashiwara quickly interjected, clearly cast in the role of peacemaker. "But... this is a stressful time..."
"So why make things more stressful? Moving things around, going to a new place..." Touya started.
Hikaru could recognize when Touya was being stubborn just because he was too entrenched to stop being stubborn. "We're talking about going to your mom's house. The house you grew up in. Not some... business trip to Sapporo or something. Anyway, nothing good can come of sticking around here," Hikaru muttered, looking at the door he'd been careful to close behind him.
"Shindou-kun is right," Touya-san sighed. "This place is just... covered in death," she lowered her voice, looking away as if she were saying something shameful.
"Do you think after everything else, Ami is going to haunt me now?" Touya scoffed.
Scoffed at his own mother!
"I wouldn't put it past the bitch," Ogata-sensei grumbled.
"O-Ogata!" Ashiwara sputtered. "No, no, no one is saying anything like that, b-but...!"
"I'm not going to be chased out of my own home," Touya said coldly.
"You're an ass," Hikaru retorted, equally coldly.
At least that shocked Touya enough to make him shut up for a moment.
"It was a suicide. That's a perfect recipe for a haunting. The blood hasn't even been cleaned off yet, for fuck's sake," Hikaru shivered a bit. What the hell was Touya thinking?! Who wanted to stay in a place like this?
"Hikaru, language," Touya corrected him half-heartedly. Oh, damn, Touya-san was here! Hikaru blushed a bit. "Anyway, there's no such thing as ghosts. You can't honestly tell me you believe in things like that?" Touya challenged him.
Hikaru wanted to slap him across the face. "It would be impossible for me not to believe," he sighed.
"Huh? What does that mean?" Touya asked, confused.
He wasn't getting into this. He pushed away from the wall, but he didn't really move closer to Touya. "Anyway, you're still being an ass. Forget about your stupid pride and stubbornness for a second. This isn't about you. You're a single parent now, Touya. You have to start thinking about what's best for Kyouko, first and foremost. Is staying in the house where her mother killed herself best for Kyouko? Is living here, with you, best? Are you going to take a leave for a couple of years from the Institute so you can care for her everyday? Or are you going to force your mother to come all the way over here daily? She's willing to help out, so you're lucky. You don't have to do this alone. But it's not fair to your mother to treat her like the hired help. You brat. Isn't going to your mother's just going to be the easiest, best thing for your daughter?"
Touya stared at him, but slowly, his resolve started to waver, and then he looked down at the floor. "I feel like a failure," he muttered.
"Well, it would be hard to say you're a great success right now," Hikaru agreed.
A bit too quickly. Damn, his resentment was showing. Touya-san gave him a strange look, and Ashiwara whined at him.
Touya looked him in the eye.
"Will you come back with me?" he asked quietly.
Hikaru narrowed his eyes, and stared right back at Touya.
Damn it.
It really felt like he had no choice...
"I might as well," Hikaru agreed, looking away.
Waya had been giving him concerned looks for a few days now. He insisted on taking Hikaru out for dinner, and spent the whole time chattering until Hikaru was sure that Waya himself didn't know what he was saying. He just let his friend chatter, though. There was a certain kind of comfort to it. Even though he told Touya he would 'go back' home with him, he wasn't about to leave his apartment, which Touya seemed to resent. Hikaru had pleasant conversations with Touya-san, but things with her son seemed to get more challenging every day.
Hikaru... did not want to be thinking about Touya when they weren't together, though. It was enough that he had to think about him when they were.
It only occurred to him that Waya might have a specific reason that day for trying to be comforting as he was unlocking the door to the studio for his study group. Shigemi would definitely be there, right? Hikaru hadn't seen him since he dropped him off at his parents'. He unlocked the door, but he didn't open it right away. He had the bad feeling, too, that Waya knew why he was hesitating. He didn't want to turn and see Waya looking at him sympathetically, so he opened the door and switched the light on, forcing himself to pretend that nothing was unusual. Waya helped him set up, too, which he usually said was a job for the lower dans among them.
It was really starting to get on Hikaru's nerves.
The first people to come were his insei students. With just those three, the rooms suddenly seemed noisy and full of life, but that was to be expected as the pro exam was about to begin. He got chatting with Chika-chan about her bad habit of telegraphing her endgame, so he didn't even notice that they were a full complement at first. He didn't notice when Shigemi came in at all. Of course, Shigemi usually never came in quietly. At least... well, lately, Shigemi arrived with Hikaru, but even before, when they hadn't been... living together, and Shigemi came on his own, he never entered quietly.
When he felt the light touch to his elbow, then, and heard Shigemi quietly say, "Sensei," he practically jumped in his skin. He wanted to be cool about it all, but he just hadn't been prepared.
He was even less prepared when he turned to face Shigemi.
"You cut your hair!" he cried out, his hand already reaching over to touch Shigemi's short hair, his fingers entangled before he realized...
Shit.
It wasn't like Shigemi looked bad, by any stretch of the imagination. His face looked more open, and his beautiful eyes were more exposed. He looked, honestly, like an idol or something. He also looked a bit more mature.
Shigemi just smiled softly, painfully at him. "Well... it seemed like it was a time of change." His voice wasn't accusatory, but Hikaru let his hand drop, feeling guilty none the less. Shigemi saw right through him, as always, so Hikaru could see that his guilt didn't displease Shigemi. "Sensei. I was wondering. Well. I don't know if you realized it, but I have my first official match against Touya-meijin this week..." His voice trailed off.
Hikaru's eyes widened a bit. He knew that Touya was resuming his matches this week - not that taking two weeks off for bereavement was much at all. Most people expected him to take much, much more time. Damned stubborn oaf...
"Well, let's sit down and talk about that, then," Hikaru nodded, gesturing over to the goban the furthest over. He sat down comfortably, completely aware of Shigemi's body as he placed himself opposite Hikaru. He had the strongest damned urge to reach across and touch Shigemi, somehow, take his hands or...
Whatever, it was his own damned choice, he had to swallow it.
"I know I don't have any chance, but I'd like to put up a good fight," Shigemi laughed softly. Waya was coming to sit near Hikaru, and a few others were sitting close enough to listen, too. This was a damned awkward way to have their first post-break-up conversation. It was damned awkward to just be post-break-up.
"Well, don't go in assuming you'll lose," Hikaru advised. That, at least, was easy. He could give advice still. "Don't go in with any assumptions, at all. He'll be the one making assumptions. He tends to underestimate players ranked lower than him. It won't be too obvious in his play, but it's there, anyway. Actually," Hikaru grinned. Touya only had one match next week. He'd been bitching about being only given one match, after all. It was while Hikaru had a match himself, and not even in the same location. It was a damned pity. "I wish I could watch the match. I look forward to seeing the kifu."
Shigemi gave him an odd look, which did nothing to help Hikaru with his desire to touch the other man.
"You and he have very similar strengths. You're both able to look deeply onto the board, and read hands far in advance. His experience will be a formidable opponent for you, but you tend to think a bit more creatively. He doesn't like to take risks, especially as the game goes on. That's something you can take advantage of, if you can prepare yourself properly. But, you also have to remember. He might not take many risks, but he also won't make any mistakes. You can't count on any opportune moments to occur, so you have to build your own moments." He started to lay out the stones, preparing to give Shigemi some problems from some of Touya's past games to practice.
This one... was particularly poignant, as Sai was Touya's opponent. But, it was a good teaching tool, too.
"It's probably a good time to be playing him, Shigemi-kun," Hiroto suggested, elbowing Shigemi in a friendly way. "He's probably shook up still from his wife's..."
"Hiroto!" More than one girl in the group chastised him immediately. Hikaru and Waya couldn't help laughing.
"What?!" Hiroto turned, looked sheepish. "I didn't mean it in, like, a bad way..."
"Of course not," Hikaru smiled. "You meant for Shigemi to take advantage of an opponent's grief in a good way..."
"Ah... I...!" Hiroto stammered.
"Eh," Shigemi leaned back, looking at straight at Hikaru. "Who knows what that guy is feeling, anyway."
Hikaru didn't give anyone else a chance to question Shigemi in what he might have meant. "In general, you should use whatever weapons your opponent will give you, even psychological ones. Any girl playing a guy who might be attracted to her who doesn't occasionally bat her eyes or smile at him during a game would be a fool, for example. But, in this case, it's useless to try to use something like that," he emphasized, looking Shigemi in the eye, "against an opponent like Touya. That guy is a champ at setting everything else aside and focusing on the board in front of him. You're all mostly too young to fully appreciate it, but his father, Touya Kouyo, was one of the greatest players ever for keeping calm and focused, after all. Touya is his father's son. Whatever he's feeling, at any time, you can't count on that helping you in the game. So, just focus on the stones."
Shigemi held his gaze for a moment longer before he directed his attention to the problem Hikaru set before him. What Hikaru just said was true, but it was also true that Shigemi probably had a few weapons for unbalancing Touya during a match. Still. In the long run, he'd be better served by focusing on his go, anyway.
They went through several problems. Each time, Hikaru did his best to show Shigemi, and everyone, really, how Touya typically reacted and built his hands. Their session went a bit long, since everyone seemed very interested in what Hikaru and Shigemi were discussing. Slowly, though, the group began to disperse on its own, as people broke off in twos and threes as the hour grew later and later. Eventually, it was only Hikaru, Waya, and Shigemi.
It made Hikaru's chest ache a bit. Sessions typically ended with the three of them being the only ones left...
Shigemi and Hikaru were still seated opposite one another, but when it was finally just the three of them, Shigemi smirked.
"Be honest. What are my chances of winning?" he asked.
"Mm," Hikaru pondered it. It wasn't as if he could give Shigemi a percentage or something. His mind just didn't work that way, even. But, Shigemi deserved an answer. "Well. Let's just say... if I find out that you've won, I won't be shocked, by a long shot. Though... you probably won't win."
Shigemi laughed, and leaned back on his hands. "It's a bit too soon. It seems a little unfair. I doubt there will ever be a time in my life when I'll want to beat him more," he sighed.
Damn it.
"Well, use that. But keep yourself sharp. Don't get distracted," Hikaru said, but he felt like he was just listing off platitudes at that point.
Shigemi winked at him. "Right, right, gotcha, sen~sei. I'll do my best. Thank you. I... wasn't sure you'd actually instruct me."
Hikaru blinked. "Well, you are my student. Nothing... nothing changes that."
"Are you going to give him pointers on me?" Shigemi asked sharply.
"Touya's way past the point of getting pointers from me," Hikaru laughed. "He's a fellow title-holder. He's my rival. I would not help my rival beat my student. That would make me a poor rival and teacher."
Shigemi tilted his head, regarding Hikaru carefully. "I wish... I could have been your rival," he said wistfully.
Turning bright red at his age was well beyond embarrassing, so Hikaru developed a sudden cough, and he shifted to get to his feet. "In any case... ah... I really do expect it to be an excellent match. I wish I didn't have to be somewhere else. I'd forfeit if I could to watch that match."
Waya snorted. "Seriously, we should charge admission," he scoffed.
At least that got Shigemi laughing. "Well, I'll be off. Don't wanna miss the last train. It's... it's good to... Well. Thank you, Sensei." Shigemi smiled sadly, and took his leave.
Hikaru watched his student go, and then flopped down on the tatami mat. Waya poked him a few times in the side with his foot, and then sat down heavily next to him.
"Actually... I was a bit surprised, too. You really didn't hold back, did you? If there was a way to just teach someone how to beat that damned Touya..." he trailed off.
Hikaru couldn't help smiling. That damned Touya. How long had Waya been calling him that? He tried to restrain himself back before... when Hikaru and Touya... Didn't seem like he felt the need to do that now. "Didn't I do the right thing? Isn't that my job as a teacher?"
"Sure, but you've never been the best teacher," Waya laughed.
"Hey!" Hikaru huffed.
"Eh, don't take it the wrong way. What guy our age really is good at that? But as a reigning Honinbou, there's some merit for students just to be close and absorb your play. But this time..."
Hikaru shifted uncomfortably. "Well, whatever. It'll be a good match for Shigemi to learn from," he sighed.
"Yeah," Waya agreed. After a pause, "I really like that kid."
"Damn it, Waya," Hikaru groaned, covering his face with his arm.
Waya laughed, but his heart wasn't in it. "You know... I'm not going to pry details out of you, but... it doesn't seem like you're at all happy."
"Should I be?" Hikaru asked, honestly wondering.
"Well. I guess it would be better if you were. What... what are you doing, Shindou? Are you living with Touya? Are you... are you sure you've... made the right choice?" Waya wasn't looking at him. He was probably damned uncomfortable asking questions like that. Hikaru could sure understand. In a similar situation... though, it was hard to imagine Waya in any kind of similar situation. He'd spent his whole life looking up to Isumi.
A handful of years ago, it was hard for Hikaru to imagine his life without Touya.
"You know... that's a question I really don't want to think about," Hikaru admitted quietly.
He felt like Waya was watching him, but he'd already turned his face away. He felt...
Damned tired.
"Are you going to his house tonight?" Waya asked quietly.
Hikaru hadn't decided. He left things with Touya as it would be a day-to-day thing. He wouldn't promise to move in, and he wasn't about to give up his apartment. He needed... an out, he supposed?
"Not tonight," he decided. He didn't think he could do it.
He'd decided while he was with Shigemi to stop being with one man while thinking of another.
He got 'home' early, though this was not his home. He had a key, for whatever that meant. He called out as he slipped off his shoes, checking. Touya wasn't home yet.
He heard Touya-san call back to him, though, so he headed off to the kitchen. Touya-san was at the table, gently rocking Kyouko in her arms. It looked like the baby fell asleep after her bottle. And Touya-san looked tired.
"Would you like me to brew you some tea, Touya-san?" he asked gently.
"Oh, I couldn't have you do something like that for me," she shook her head.
Hikaru didn't really get it. He didn't think he'd ever done anything like make tea for his mom in her own house, either, but still. "Well, in that case, why don't you let me take her?" He'd rather take away the dirty bottle and let Touya-san relax, but if she wouldn't let him, she wouldn't. He held out his arms, and let her carefully transfer the baby.
"Oh, be careful... Ah, I'm sorry. You're getting to be quite good at this, aren't you?" She smiled at him, and then gently placed her hand on his cheek.
It was a bit embarrassing, such a tender touch. He averted his eyes despite himself. He looked down at the sleeping baby. "I suppose. If I drop her, Touya can still get the deposit back, right?" he tried to joke.
She laughed, but her fist came down on his head lightly. "Don't even make jokes like that!" She shook her head at him. She was still looking at him in that affectionate way mothers did. "You've really grown up to be a handsome young man, haven't you?"
She was trying to make him blush, wasn't she? "If you're going to hit on me, Touya-san, I have to warn you, I've never been much good with girls."
"You're so naughty," she chuckled. She stood up, and put her hand on his head again, ruffling his hair lightly. "I've missed your sense of humor these past few years. I was so grateful when you showed up that night... I know Akira-san was, too, but that child... He can just be so..." she sighed heavily.
"You don't need to make apologies for him," Hikaru said quietly. Kyouko squirmed a bit in her sleep, so Hikaru bounced her a tiny bit. She seemed to resettle. "It's not like I didn't know how he would be, anyway. It's fine, Touya-san. I plan to keep giving him a hard time, still." He winked at her.
She smiled at him, but she looked haunted. "As long as you don't leave..." she sighed again, and then she headed to the sink, carrying the used bottle. As she set it in the sink, her shoulders slumped a bit. "Mm. I don't know quite how to say this... or even if I should. But I've wanted to say it for quite a while. I hope you don't bear any ill will toward Kouyo-san, either. Ah, that man... I tried to make him understand, but he really only saw the stones spread out on the goban. He was afraid, I think. He wanted to make sure that he had done everything he could to provide for Akira-san. It's just..."
Hikaru scowled a bit, and looked down at Kyouko. He brushed the back of his finger over her cheek. It really was amazingly soft. "You don't need to make apologies for him, either. I. I understand, I suppose, what he was thinking." He couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice, though. Sure, he understood. It didn't make anything any easier, though. And, in a chain of events like a series of hands, Touya-sensei's actions led to Hikaru hurting Shigemi.
He must really have been in love with that brat, since that seemed to be the most important thing now.
The air felt unbearably heavy. He knew Touya-san was looking at him, but he couldn't make a joke, or think of anything to say. He wanted to just get up and flee. They'd agreed to wait for Touya to put Kyouko down in her crib. Hikaru felt trapped - by the child in his arms, the house they were in, Touya-san's kindness and concern, but most of all...
"I'm home," Touya called out.
Hikaru practically heaved a sigh of relief.
He stood up slowly, and when Touya came into the kitchen, he passed off the baby, and then scuttled off to the bathroom. He splashed water over his face and rubbed his eyes. He looked at himself in the mirror, and reminded his reflection that he made this choice himself. Talking to himself, though, made him think of Sai, which just made him laugh.
What in the world would Sai think of this situation? Somehow, Hikaru had to think that Sai would want him to support the friend who had been with him his entire go life, but then. What would Sai have thought of Shigemi? He really had to stop that train of thought. It couldn't lead anywhere good!
He came out and found that Touya was already in the salon, sitting in front of the goban. He winked at Touya-san, making sure to smile brightly, and then he followed Touya, and sat opposite him.
"So?" he prodded.
Touya gave him a look, which was somewhat funny. He just wasn't that good at looking menacing outside of a game situation. "Well, I won, of course."
"Of course," Hikaru echoed, smiling softly. He already knew it was a close game, so... "Can I see?"
Touya huffed a bit, though he'd clearly come into the salon to go over the game, but it wasn't hard to figure why he was reluctant, now that Hikaru was here. Unfortunately, Hikaru was curious, and anyway... wasn't Touya being a sore winner about all of this? "Would you normally be interested in my game with a three-dan?" Touya acidly asked.
"I would normally be interested in your game with one of my students, even if he or she was a one-dan," Hikaru retorted patiently.
Finally, Touya started to lay down stones, but he seemed awfully petulant about it. That was one of the things about being go pros. They could read emotions into how their opponents even handled their stones.
"I'm also interested in what you thought of him," Hikaru added quietly. Touya's hand stopped moving, and he was looking at Hikaru, deeply affronted. What an ass. "As a player, you idiot."
Touya flushed, and looked away. "See for yourself," he stubbornly insisted, and went back to laying down the stones.
Touya was practically throwing the stones down, so it was a somewhat interesting way to watch a game develop, as if it were being fast-forwarded. Their difference in strength was pretty obvious in the beginning, when Touya's confident hands overshadowed Shigemi's more cautious play. As the game developed, though, it became clear that Shigemi was using layered strategies to keep Touya guessing. As they entered the endgame, there was even a good chance that Shigemi could have won. Hikaru put his hand out to stop Touya from continuing.
"If you and I played from this point on, I could definitely win," Hikaru smiled.
Touya narrowed his eyes. "I wasn't playing you."
That made Hikaru chuckle. Touya was so damned defensive. "You underestimated him. I think I warned you about that once, mm?"
Touya took a deep breath, and looked away. "He made a slight mistake, a few hands after this. It wasn't a large mistake, something not at all uncommon for someone his age, I suppose. I only won by two moku, so if he hadn't made that error..."
Hikaru felt immensely proud of Shigemi, but he'd keep that sentiment to himself. "I guess the next time you play him, you won't hold back." That match, too, would be worth watching.
Grunting, Touya resumed putting down stones. "He had a great skill for reading the board. His moves have depth, but he doesn't give the impression he's too concerned. He has great instincts."
"Ha, sounds like you're talking about yourself!" Hikaru teased. Touya gave him a sharp look, so Hikaru winked. "Even the first time I played him, I thought he played a lot like you."
"Is that why you were so interested in him?" Touya asked, though he sounded like he didn't really want to hear the answer.
"No," Hikaru replied honestly. "I probably wouldn't have been so interested in him if he hadn't been a strong player, but I had already become interested before we played." That was... maybe too much honesty.
"So. It was because he's so beautiful," Touya replied resentfully.
"Mm, maybe," Hikaru shrugged. This conversation was going down an unpleasant path. "You seemed to lose some focus around the midgame?"
Touya just watched him for a moment, and then he snorted. "That's probably about when that brat was detailing the various sexual positions you favored."
Hikaru didn't react for a moment, and then he burst out laughing. Touya was just getting huffier, though, so he had to control himself. "Sorry, sorry... one of my younger students thought that Shigemi could take advantage of your... well, grief, but I told him not to bank on something cheap like that. I did think at the time, though, that he might have some other psychological weapons he could use... Crap, I hope no one could overhear him!"
Touya was definitely not enjoying this as much as Hikaru was. "No... they had some rescheduled matches, so they were pretty filled up. They, er, set up our match in a private room."
"Must be nice," Hikaru teased. Well, they would have done the same thing for him, in a similar circumstance. A title-holder, and major player, who was just coming off a too-short break for bereavement...
Touya just glared at him, and continued. "He was rather... graphic at points. Seems like the two of you were rather. Mm. Passionate."
"You and I were, at one time, too," Hikaru said quietly. Admittedly... he was probably more sexually adventurous with Shigemi. That brat seemed to be experienced, though Hikaru never pressed him too much for details. And. They had been rather compatible. But. He and Touya... had been, too. They'd just been younger, and maybe more innocent. They'd always been so focused on go, thinking they had all the time in the world.
They both sighed. They looked at each other, and Hikaru couldn't help grinning.
"Do you... prefer that, now? Someone... beautiful?" Touya asked, very quietly.
It was disturbing to see him behaving meekly. "I've made my choice," Hikaru stated, perhaps a bit too harshly. "It's not really a question of preference."
Touya tapped a white stone on the edge of the board, his brow furrowed. "Your choice, mm? But you don't seem too happy about it."
Damn it, it was bad enough to have Waya worrying about his happiness... This was going to start to annoy him, and then he might say something he didn't really mean. "You can't really say this situation is primed for happiness. You didn't choose me, after all. Your wife just chose to die."
...Something like that. He didn't mean to say something so cruel.
Touya flinched, and put his head in his hand. After a few awkward moments, he sighed again. "I really hate to admit it... but I ended up liking that damned brat."
Hikaru blinked. He... honestly hadn't expected Touya to say something so... pure. "Ah. I'm glad. You can both benefit from playing each other... I've thought so all along." He blushed. Damn it all.
He was thinking things he shouldn't.
"Boys! Dinner is ready!" Touya-san called out.
Hikaru grinned at Touya, and stood up, holding out a hand to help Touya up, too.
"You still call him by his given name," Touya said quietly, when they were standing nose to nose, and he had Touya's hand in his. "But you haven't called me by mine since..."
Hikaru turned and pulled Touya along with him. "C'mon. Let's not keep your mom waiting."
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