Fic: The Sea After a Storm (11/?)
Title: The Sea After a Storm, Chapter 11
Rating: R
Warnings: Language
Spoilers: Season Two thru Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (2x01)
Pairings: Jack/Ianto
Disclaimer: Torchwood and all its wonderfulness belong to the Mighty Beeb and He Who Must Not Be Named. No infringement, only worship intended!
Summary: In which Ianto confesses something that has been weighing on his soul…
Notes: Sequel to Vizzini’s Rule and To The Pain. Thanks to my amazing beta and wonderful friend
thrace_adams for all the help and support; any mistakes are mine!
The Sea After a Storm: Chapter Eleven
Previously on The Sea After a Storm…
"I remember because it was right after - " Ianto broke off, a dull flush flooding his cheeks.
Jack went very still and pulled back so he could see Ianto's face. "After what?" he asked carefully.
Ianto sighed deeply and sat up. He stared at his hands for a long moment and then looked at Jack.
"I have to tell you something," he said.
Ianto pulled away from Jack, moving to one end of the sofa. Jack sighed and leaned back. He rubbed one hand over his face and then turned slightly, one arm along the back of the sofa.
"What is it?" he asked sounding wary.
"I… I messed up, Jack. I made a mistake and I'm not sure you'll ever be able to forgive me," Ianto said sadly.
Jack closed his eyes for a moment and then shook his head. "I left you with no word, no hint that I'd be back. I don't blame you for anything that happened while I was gone, okay? You don't even need to tell me if you don't want to."
"I have to," Ianto whispered.
Jack sighed and nodded. "I'm listening."
Ianto took a deep breath and started at the beginning. "A few days after you disappeared, I started trying to… to reach you. I would spend every night trying, every second I was alone really." Ianto felt the heat begin to creep up his throat and knew he'd be bright red by the time he was done. He swallowed hard and kept going. "I didn't sleep, I stopped eating, it was… it was like when I first started here. When Lisa was still alive," he whispered.
"Oh, Ianto," Jack said, reaching out to him.
Ianto flinched and pulled back, curling deeper into the corner of the sofa. "Don't, please. Let me… let me get through this?"
Jack clenched his fist, but nodded and sat back.
"The others saw and tried to help, but I just pushed them away," he admitted miserably. "Owen caught me in a trance one day when we were out in the field. I started slipping in and out of them, even when I wasn't trying. He - I wouldn't tell him what was really going on, but he gave me a bollocksing for falling apart. I couldn't stop trying to find you, but I tried harder to hide it. I started running more which gave me enough of an appetite that I could eat, started paying more attention to the others when they were around. I almost… I almost gave up but then I, uh." Ianto broke off, flushing even harder.
"What?" Jack prodded carefully.
"I was in the cells and I remembered what you said about the weevils having telepathic abilities."
Jack groaned. "You didn't."
Ianto nodded. "I tried and… and it worked, God help me. It was awful. I couldn't go near them for weeks without my headphones blaring something loud to try to block them." Ianto shuddered at the memory. "Never again," he said firmly.
Jack shifted on the sofa, as if he wanted to touch Ianto but was holding himself back. "What happened after the weevil experiment?" he asked.
"I kept trying, even harder. I couldn't give up. I was so weak and tired and, God, so stupid. I - Jack, I - it was all my fault."
"What happened? Just say it, whatever it is, we'll get past it, I swear."
"I…" Ianto forced himself to look Jack in the eyes. "I lost a rift victim, Jack. He killed himself right in front of me and I wasn't strong enough to stop him."
Jack looked stunned. "What? I mean… what?" he asked, obviously confused.
Ianto cringed. Oh, God, Jack can't even conceive of me doing something so awful. Ianto had dreaded this moment for months, ever since the other Jack had disappeared beneath the water of Llanishen Reservoir. "I'm sorry," he whispered, not trying make excuses, to defend his failure.
"You're…" Jack shook his head. "Ianto, what are you talking about?"
"Tosh brought me a report from the rift monitor," he explained, his voice flat and dead. "It was a spike, one that brought someone back. I drove out to the coordinates alone. There was a man. He… he was hurt, injured, burned, but still functioning. We talked about what had happened to him. He talked about creatures and fire and said that they'd hurt him, killed him. I told him I could help, that I had someplace for him to go but he just wanted to go home."
"God, Ianto - "
"I fucked up, Jack. He told me he was from 2012, talked about the Olympic Games in London. I - I froze. I couldn't think what to do. We'd never found anyone who had been taken from the future, I didn't know what tell him so I… God, Jack, I told him the truth," Ianto admitted. "About where he was, when he was. I was still trying to figure out what to do next when he hit me."
"What?" Jack exclaimed. He leaned forward, cupping Ianto's cheek. "Did he hurt you?"
Ianto squirmed away from Jack's hand. "He knocked me out cold. The punch wouldn't have even fazed you, he never would have gotten out of the clearing, but I was such a mess he got away from me and - " Ianto swallowed painfully. "I chased him but I was too slow, too late. He - his name was Jack, too. Did I tell you that? He was a doctor and his wife's name was Rhosyn. I did some research, and I found him, they live in Culverhouse Cross, I've been by their house, seen them, I don't - "
"Ianto, stop, just stop," Jack said firmly.
Biting his lip to keep the words from pouring out of him, Ianto stopped. He flinched when Jack reached out for him.
"Christ," Jack muttered under his breath. He pulled Ianto into his arms, holding the rigid body against his own until Ianto finally started to relax. "What did you think I was going to do to you?" Jack asked softly.
"I don't know." The words were thick with unshed tears.
Jack closed his eyes and held Ianto tighter. "What happened after he punched you?"
"He ran. I chased him. He got to the reservoir and… jumped. I couldn't find him. I kept diving but I couldn't find him. If I'd been faster or stronger or more on my game - "
"Stop," Jack told him again. "It's not your fault. Sometimes it just goes wrong."
Ianto sighed deeply. "I just kept thinking that if you'd been there it wouldn't have happened."
"Well, then that makes it my fault, not yours."
"I didn't mean it like that," Ianto said, sounding horrified. He pulled out of Jack's arms and sat on the sofa facing him again. "I just - you've never - "
"Yes, I have," Jack said in a rough voice. "Three times."
"What?"
"One woman died in my arms just minutes after I found her. Another died a few days after I got him settled at Flat Holm. The doctors said his injuries were just too severe. The third one…" Jack grimaced and looked away. "He told me to leave him to die, but I didn't listen. I took him to Flat Holm, thinking he would get better, change his mind. He hanged himself in his room the minute he was alone."
"Jack…" It was Ianto's turn to reach out, covering Jack's clenched fist with his hand.
They sat like that for a few minutes, just comforting one another, until Jack spoke up.
"When the team found you at the reservoir, did they ask you any difficult questions? I didn't see any reports that seemed to cover what you described, with or without mention of Flat Holm."
Ianto shook his head. "No, I wouldn't have told them, not after you asked me not to. But they were focussed on getting me back to the Hub and Gwen was worried about an argument we'd had earlier so no one ever asked me to fill out a - " Ianto broke off, his eyes narrowing. "How did you know the team found me by the res?"
Jack jerked and looked away. He pulled out of Ianto's grasp and stood up. "Um, well…"
"Did you talk to Owen or Tosh about it?"
"Not exactly," Jack hedged.
Ianto was starting to lose his patience again. "Jack, if you already knew, why did you make me go through it all again?"
"I didn't know, not the details." Jack ran his hand through his hair and sighed. "I made a stop before I found you guys last night. I, well, I really wanted to see you. Just you. So I went to your flat."
"And?" Ianto said, not making the connection at first. "Ohhh," he breathed when it finally clicked. He crossed his arms over his chest and scowled. "He's a dead man."
"Now, Ianto - " Jack started.
Ianto turned the scowl on Jack. "Sit down. I want you to tell me everything Jamie told you. Right now."
TBC in Chapter Twelve
Rating: R
Warnings: Language
Spoilers: Season Two thru Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (2x01)
Pairings: Jack/Ianto
Disclaimer: Torchwood and all its wonderfulness belong to the Mighty Beeb and He Who Must Not Be Named. No infringement, only worship intended!
Summary: In which Ianto confesses something that has been weighing on his soul…
Notes: Sequel to Vizzini’s Rule and To The Pain. Thanks to my amazing beta and wonderful friend
thrace_adams for all the help and support; any mistakes are mine!
The Sea After a Storm: Chapter Eleven
Previously on The Sea After a Storm…
"I remember because it was right after - " Ianto broke off, a dull flush flooding his cheeks.
Jack went very still and pulled back so he could see Ianto's face. "After what?" he asked carefully.
Ianto sighed deeply and sat up. He stared at his hands for a long moment and then looked at Jack.
"I have to tell you something," he said.
Ianto pulled away from Jack, moving to one end of the sofa. Jack sighed and leaned back. He rubbed one hand over his face and then turned slightly, one arm along the back of the sofa.
"What is it?" he asked sounding wary.
"I… I messed up, Jack. I made a mistake and I'm not sure you'll ever be able to forgive me," Ianto said sadly.
Jack closed his eyes for a moment and then shook his head. "I left you with no word, no hint that I'd be back. I don't blame you for anything that happened while I was gone, okay? You don't even need to tell me if you don't want to."
"I have to," Ianto whispered.
Jack sighed and nodded. "I'm listening."
Ianto took a deep breath and started at the beginning. "A few days after you disappeared, I started trying to… to reach you. I would spend every night trying, every second I was alone really." Ianto felt the heat begin to creep up his throat and knew he'd be bright red by the time he was done. He swallowed hard and kept going. "I didn't sleep, I stopped eating, it was… it was like when I first started here. When Lisa was still alive," he whispered.
"Oh, Ianto," Jack said, reaching out to him.
Ianto flinched and pulled back, curling deeper into the corner of the sofa. "Don't, please. Let me… let me get through this?"
Jack clenched his fist, but nodded and sat back.
"The others saw and tried to help, but I just pushed them away," he admitted miserably. "Owen caught me in a trance one day when we were out in the field. I started slipping in and out of them, even when I wasn't trying. He - I wouldn't tell him what was really going on, but he gave me a bollocksing for falling apart. I couldn't stop trying to find you, but I tried harder to hide it. I started running more which gave me enough of an appetite that I could eat, started paying more attention to the others when they were around. I almost… I almost gave up but then I, uh." Ianto broke off, flushing even harder.
"What?" Jack prodded carefully.
"I was in the cells and I remembered what you said about the weevils having telepathic abilities."
Jack groaned. "You didn't."
Ianto nodded. "I tried and… and it worked, God help me. It was awful. I couldn't go near them for weeks without my headphones blaring something loud to try to block them." Ianto shuddered at the memory. "Never again," he said firmly.
Jack shifted on the sofa, as if he wanted to touch Ianto but was holding himself back. "What happened after the weevil experiment?" he asked.
"I kept trying, even harder. I couldn't give up. I was so weak and tired and, God, so stupid. I - Jack, I - it was all my fault."
"What happened? Just say it, whatever it is, we'll get past it, I swear."
"I…" Ianto forced himself to look Jack in the eyes. "I lost a rift victim, Jack. He killed himself right in front of me and I wasn't strong enough to stop him."
Jack looked stunned. "What? I mean… what?" he asked, obviously confused.
Ianto cringed. Oh, God, Jack can't even conceive of me doing something so awful. Ianto had dreaded this moment for months, ever since the other Jack had disappeared beneath the water of Llanishen Reservoir. "I'm sorry," he whispered, not trying make excuses, to defend his failure.
"You're…" Jack shook his head. "Ianto, what are you talking about?"
"Tosh brought me a report from the rift monitor," he explained, his voice flat and dead. "It was a spike, one that brought someone back. I drove out to the coordinates alone. There was a man. He… he was hurt, injured, burned, but still functioning. We talked about what had happened to him. He talked about creatures and fire and said that they'd hurt him, killed him. I told him I could help, that I had someplace for him to go but he just wanted to go home."
"God, Ianto - "
"I fucked up, Jack. He told me he was from 2012, talked about the Olympic Games in London. I - I froze. I couldn't think what to do. We'd never found anyone who had been taken from the future, I didn't know what tell him so I… God, Jack, I told him the truth," Ianto admitted. "About where he was, when he was. I was still trying to figure out what to do next when he hit me."
"What?" Jack exclaimed. He leaned forward, cupping Ianto's cheek. "Did he hurt you?"
Ianto squirmed away from Jack's hand. "He knocked me out cold. The punch wouldn't have even fazed you, he never would have gotten out of the clearing, but I was such a mess he got away from me and - " Ianto swallowed painfully. "I chased him but I was too slow, too late. He - his name was Jack, too. Did I tell you that? He was a doctor and his wife's name was Rhosyn. I did some research, and I found him, they live in Culverhouse Cross, I've been by their house, seen them, I don't - "
"Ianto, stop, just stop," Jack said firmly.
Biting his lip to keep the words from pouring out of him, Ianto stopped. He flinched when Jack reached out for him.
"Christ," Jack muttered under his breath. He pulled Ianto into his arms, holding the rigid body against his own until Ianto finally started to relax. "What did you think I was going to do to you?" Jack asked softly.
"I don't know." The words were thick with unshed tears.
Jack closed his eyes and held Ianto tighter. "What happened after he punched you?"
"He ran. I chased him. He got to the reservoir and… jumped. I couldn't find him. I kept diving but I couldn't find him. If I'd been faster or stronger or more on my game - "
"Stop," Jack told him again. "It's not your fault. Sometimes it just goes wrong."
Ianto sighed deeply. "I just kept thinking that if you'd been there it wouldn't have happened."
"Well, then that makes it my fault, not yours."
"I didn't mean it like that," Ianto said, sounding horrified. He pulled out of Jack's arms and sat on the sofa facing him again. "I just - you've never - "
"Yes, I have," Jack said in a rough voice. "Three times."
"What?"
"One woman died in my arms just minutes after I found her. Another died a few days after I got him settled at Flat Holm. The doctors said his injuries were just too severe. The third one…" Jack grimaced and looked away. "He told me to leave him to die, but I didn't listen. I took him to Flat Holm, thinking he would get better, change his mind. He hanged himself in his room the minute he was alone."
"Jack…" It was Ianto's turn to reach out, covering Jack's clenched fist with his hand.
They sat like that for a few minutes, just comforting one another, until Jack spoke up.
"When the team found you at the reservoir, did they ask you any difficult questions? I didn't see any reports that seemed to cover what you described, with or without mention of Flat Holm."
Ianto shook his head. "No, I wouldn't have told them, not after you asked me not to. But they were focussed on getting me back to the Hub and Gwen was worried about an argument we'd had earlier so no one ever asked me to fill out a - " Ianto broke off, his eyes narrowing. "How did you know the team found me by the res?"
Jack jerked and looked away. He pulled out of Ianto's grasp and stood up. "Um, well…"
"Did you talk to Owen or Tosh about it?"
"Not exactly," Jack hedged.
Ianto was starting to lose his patience again. "Jack, if you already knew, why did you make me go through it all again?"
"I didn't know, not the details." Jack ran his hand through his hair and sighed. "I made a stop before I found you guys last night. I, well, I really wanted to see you. Just you. So I went to your flat."
"And?" Ianto said, not making the connection at first. "Ohhh," he breathed when it finally clicked. He crossed his arms over his chest and scowled. "He's a dead man."
"Now, Ianto - " Jack started.
Ianto turned the scowl on Jack. "Sit down. I want you to tell me everything Jamie told you. Right now."
TBC in Chapter Twelve