That's going in a really nice direction, Nara. You could use to clear up the time-line a bit and keep the dialogue a little more natural (it seems more like a *kind* of a scene than a real scene, you know? it's very genre stylized, which is actually fine if that's what you want to do with it). The writing's really good, though. It's a good story and they're actually well-developed characters. You get a sense of back story. It feels like it could be a scene from a Wes Anderson movie. Nice work!
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