>>
well, two more days before Patrick's birthday party.
And so far, three people can't, or may not be able to make it. Jesse, Megan and Bruce. Jesse and Megan are understandable. Jesse is on holiday with his family, totally unexpected; and Megan has colourgaurd practice...deffinately understandable. She didn't plan on it being on Patrick's birthday.... but Bruce. He made plans to go to a movie with a friend, understandable...until he silently attempted to get me to change the date. >>
I've been planin' this thing since I first got Patrick, for nine months. I've said it a million times,
"23rd is patrick's b-day, be there or be square." And should something, like in Megu and Jesse's case, happen, no biggie, expected, understandable, forgivable. x33
but.... >> I'll stop, before I get too annoyed. (I guess it doesn't help none that a certain aunt dote came to visit >.<;;; )
....
oh and my mother! Normally she's a really cool mommeh, but what people don't know is that she has a depression disorder, one that she only shows around me. What she doesn't know that her being depressed makes me depressed. She's been depressed for almost five months now...over what? She doesn't know what to do with her life, when everyone has told her she just needs to get a job. But she doesn't!! And what does she do? She whines and complains and bitches to me, expecting me to fix it. If it wasn't for the fact she helps me, sometimes, I would have already snapped long ago....
but today, it seemed like she wanted me to fix it for her, so I did snap...I got mad and told her to just get over it and not let herself get depressed again. And now she's mad at me. Told me that everyone has the right to be depressed and get over it on their own good time. Problem with that is, she never lets me be depressed. Always tells me to get over it, it's stupid to dwell on it and then she pushes at my buttons and aggrivates me when she knows fully well that I'm already upset...then when I get even more upset she yells at me for "dwelling on something so stupid".
Well she's doin' the same damn thing! She's dwelling on the fact she bored with life, and I'm dwelling on the fact I've officially lost a dad. Tell me...why can't I be depressed?
And what makes it worse, is that she's the suicidle type of depressed, that how it's always been...so I never know. I mean, I remember when she had just gotten a divorce with my dad, she'd stay on the couch and just cry. Sure, she tied to spend time with me, but it only killed me to go out with her and look back to see she was still sulking...She doesn't know it, but she's killing me when she gets all depressed like this and I don't know what to do. I feel like...
It's like watching a flower slowly wilt away, your favourite flower, and you have water to give it but you just can't get to it, you can't reach it and no one will help you...all you can do is stand there and watch it wilt...
sure that's kinda stupid, a flower, really! but....still....it's the best I could think of at the moment. Okay, then, let's say you're watching someone you care for die and you have everything to make it all better, or so you think...and you can't do anything, but watch them die. There. Better?
It's aggrivating and just down right....killing me to see her like this...it's like she doesn't care about anything, including her life and herself, anymore.
it's like when she had just gotten a divorce....I really don't know what to do...I'm actually scared for her life again. I hate it.
Well, I can't allow myself to dwell on it too long, or she might get mad >> (augh! I don't know if I'm scared or mad at her)
So, Happy Two-Day Away From Birthday Day Patrick!! x33